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"Sweetheart? Shane? Kotonok?"
"Yeah Ilya?" Shane asked looking over to his husband, sitting next to him at the hotel breakfast.
"Would you still love me if I were a Worm?"
"What? A worm?"
"да," Ilya nods as seriously as possible.
"Like the little thing in the dirt? A worm?" Shane wiggles a single finger, imitating a worm.
"Yes Hollander, I know what a worm is, I'm the one asking you the question! Do you know it in Russian? Cherv? You knew this da?"
"Fuck off," Silently, Ilya thinks to himself, that Fuck Off and Asshole have always sort of sounded like I love you coming from his Shane. He'd always thought the words sounded affectionate, but it was only once he'd (mostly) adjusted to hearing I love you from this man that he began to notice the similarities. His sweet kitten.
"So would you?" Hazy asks encouraging their Captains shenanigans.
The rookies, one of whom is recording not even trying to hide it, giggle and whisper to themselves.
"Okay… so you're a worm… Did you get turned into a worm?"
"I don't know dorogoy, the question is just if you would love me,"
"Well I need more information!" Shane has his serious face on. Not his Seriously thinking about Hockey face, and not quite the serious emotion time face, but still a serious face. Hmm this face may require a new label… Ilya will investigate further. Further investigating may just be trying to make his husband make the face again. Is Research!
"You need more information to love me!?" Ilya exclaims, the face does not change, excellent.
"Just answer my questions okay?"
"Fine fine," Ilya pouts, "just give up on our love!"
"Never." Shane cocks his head clearly thinking, "Okay, so you're a worm. Can I communicate with you?"
"No am just worm."
"Okay… We're you always a worm or did you become a worm?"
"Uh, become a worm" Ilya shoots an I guess face and slight shoulder shrug to their audience, making sure the camera catches his look. One does not get to his notoriety of Menace without knowing how to play it up for the cameras. In the past those were largely the cameras of the media during interviews, and during his many shenanigans in Boston, but well, the Russian Menace does not simply stop being a menace because he moved to Ottawa and married thee Shane Hollander.
"Hmm. Okay, so I need to fix that."
"Fix?"
Luca blearily blinks at Shane, "many questions?" Poor baby Luca, Ilya still has issues remembering fucking English so early in the morning, and he has far more practice than their poor Swedish rookie.
"Yes, the baby is right, why so many questions moy pomidor?"
"I need to understand the situation so I can fix it!"
"But what are you fixing?" Bood jumps in.
"Ilya being a worm!" Shane exclaims, thinking it obvious, "if he was suddenly turned into a worm I need to figure out how it happened and how to get him back! Wait! Can you understand me? Like as a worm, can you hear me and understand what's going on?"
"Ah, i-"
"Wait that doesn't matter. Okay… I would make sure you are safe, somewhere good for worms. I don't know anything about worm habitats, I'd have to do research make sure I keep you healthy, maybe get mom and dad to keep you safe if I need to leave to get you back to normal… yes. I would make sure to talk to you a lot so in case you understand me you'd know what's going on. I'd get you all the best dirt and worm food and make sure you were safe and comfortable and…"
"Oh. Oh, moy solnyshko,"
"Yes? Ilyusha?"
"You.. you would do all that for me?"
"Of course! I'd do anything for you, whether you're a worm or not."
"What if you couldn't fix him?" Boyle pipes up, curious.
"I'd keep trying, but no matter what I'd make sure he's okay, take care of my little worm Ilyusha my whole life,"
"Oh lyubov, my sweetheart," Ilya pulls his Shane into a sweet kiss, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man.
"Goddammit Holzy out here making the rest of us look bad!" Bood breaks the tender moment at the perfect time, "When Cassie asked, I just said yes! I thought that would be the right answer, but you've just made me look like a third-rate husband!"
"Awww Boodie, you're a second-rate husband at worst!" Ilya teases, grinning at his Alternate.
"Same! Lisa is gonna tease the shit outta me for not going the whole Hero's Journey for this question! I was mostly caught up on making sure I said the right answer!" Hazey jumps in.
"Harris hasn't asked me yet, but if all of you have gotten the question, I bet he's just waiting so he can film it." Troy adds.
"This is for sure from the WAGs chat!" LaPointe adds, grinning and making faces when Young's turns his phone to catch the other rookie speaking.
"Did one of the WAGs tell you to record?" Chouinard questions, crossing his eyes when Young whips the camera to focus on his side of the table.
"Nah, Roz had his I'm going to fuck with Hollander face so I figured it'd be some good shit."
"Or they'd just start making out."
"Or that."
"I am still trau-ma-ti-z-ed of videos of us kissing," Roz carefully pronounces Traumatized, dramatically over-enunciating it.
"Ah fuck!"
"It's fine Young, send me the video?"
"For sure! Please don't be mad at me!"
"We aren't, my husband is just dramatic,"
"Dramatic! You call me, your loving husband! Dramatic!" Ilya frantically points to himself, making large sweeping gestures as he speaks.
"Yes." Shane nods once decisively, "You've never been understated a moment in your life."
"Lie! I-"
"Name one time you did the chill option instead of the most flashy and dramatic thing possible?" Bood throws in.
"I…" Ilya pauses for a moment, "I have sold some of my precious sports cars."
"You kept the neon orange one," Shane counters, "And the purple one with those lights."
"Ja, ugly green too."
"My baby is not ugly green!"
"Yeah, selling part of your insane car collection does not count as the chill option…" Dykestra comments, "You literally posted Eulogies for each one on your Twitter and Instagram."
"They were important to fans," Ilya protests, "would be rude to sell without proper goodbye."
"Exactly."
"Bah, you all just like to, rain on parade, yes. No fun for crazy Russian Menace."
"So you agree you've never been chill?" Shane questions, grinning.
Ilya narrows his eyes at his competitive love, "No… I am most chill… but in exciting way," he nods decisively, "Boring Canadian would not understand."
"I'm sure you believe that, dorogoy,"
"At least you still love me if I were worm." Ilya laments, throwing himself into Shane's side, and planting a big kiss on his grinning husband's lips. He will call the face the Serious Worm Face.