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“We should do a hear me out cake.”
Of course, that was something to be expected of Tina, to do a Tiktok trend. Kurt had no complaints, however, so he decided it wouldn’t hurt to partake.
Santana bought the cheapest cake at the local Walmart with 0 incidents, because they were too lazy to buy cake mix and actually bake a cake for a little Tiktok Tina would post.
“A few ground rules first.” Tina places the cake down onto the counter. “No.. putting any of our classmates unless they’re aware of it. Because I feel like Santana is gonna put Rachel or something as a joke and make fun of her the whole time. Rachel is one of my loyal followers, Santana.”
Santana grins, and Kurt thinks that must have been something she was going to do because of it. “Okay, lezzie.”
“Good! And Kurt?”
“Moi?” he points to himself.
“No obscure people none of us know about. Like, old Broadway stars that are like 80 years old now.”
Kurt sighs dramatically, then nods. “Fine.”
“Gay,” Santana coughs, while holding on tighter to Brittany’s hand.
“You’re in the same boat.” Tina, Mercedes, and Kurt say in unison.
Santana shrugs, not letting go. “It’s hot when I do it.”
“That’s my dad!” Kurt exclaims, looking down at the cake, with a little paper cut out of his dad on a popsicle stick.
Santana shrugs. “What can I say, just because the wrapper is wrinkled doesn’t mean the candy isn’t sweet.” she says, then adds, “even my lady loving parts are excited when it comes to Daddy Hummel.”
“Oh my God.” Kurt murmurs, running a hand down his face, and someone puts down another stick.
Sue Sylvester. Brittany giggles.
“Tina Cohen-Chang!” Mercedes exclaims through giggles.
“I was gonna put her too.” Brittany says, looking genuinely downcast and upset that she wasn’t the only one with the idea.
“Wow, me too.” says Santana.
“Me too.” Kurt says, then they all turn to Kurt in confusion, well, almost everyone.
Brittany is still looking at the floor.
“But you’re gay,” Tina states, and Santana nods, like she was about to say the same with more colorful wording.
“So?” and everyone nods like that was an acceptable answer. Brittany puts down her stick on the cake to break the silence.
Shrek.
Everyone is silent for a long, hard moment, until Santana speaks. “Brittany… Shrek?”
“He is very sexy.”
Santana just sighs, and puts down another of her sticks. This one is more normal compared to Kurt’s dad. It’s Terri, Mr. Schue’s ex wife who pretended to be pregnant.
“I love her and would’ve treated her better,” Santana says. “If she was my wife, she would never be fake pregnant, and I would make sure of that.”
Tina nods in agreement, while Mercedes giggles from beside her. Kurt puts down his stick: the number 7.
“It’s the vibes, you know? 7 seems very caring and sweet.” he explains, bouncing in place. “And an honorable mention, the math equation 7x7=49.”
Tina nods again. “Exactly! It’s the vibes! That’s why I’m putting this down.” She puts down her stick: cherry chapstick.
“Like the Katy Perry song. I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick.” Tina gestures to her lips erratically. “It just sounds sexy.”
“Right, right.” Santana agrees.
Mercedes places down her stick. Holly Holiday.
Sounds of approval come from around the room. “Good taste, ‘Cedes. Good taste.” Santana says proudly, then they all turn to Kurt so fast that he’s the one to get whiplash. “You put one down.”
This is it.
Kurt exhales, and places down his stick without a word, pointedly looking anywhere else but someone else’s face.
Everyone else has seemed to follow his lead, because no one was speaking; only looking at him like he was Judas, and he supposed that was reasonable because of who he just put.
Evil reincarnate, Sebastian Smythe.
“Do you want to explain why you chose him of all people?” asks Santana, even but in the way that made him aware that he was probably gonna receive the beating of ‘26.
“..No, I don’t.” A moment of silence, then, “Hey, Brittany, how about you put one down?”
Brittany actually going to put one had raised his hopes just a little, then Santana came to crush them by holding Brittany back. “No, Britt, we don’t listen to traitors.”
What? It’s not like he was in a passionate, homoerotic, psychosexual rivalry with him. “How am I a traitor for having him as a hear-me-out?”
Now, Mercedes looked at him with pity. “Oh, babe. Are you sleeping with him?”
“Oh my God, is that really what you think of me?” Kurt asks with an incredulous laugh. That made the weirdly irritated look on everyone’s—besides Brittany’s, she was expressionless—face dim just by a little.
“You’re still fraternizing with the enemy.” Tina says, much too serious in his opinion.
“Fraternizing? He said I have child-bearing, lady hips the last time I saw him!” he exclaims, voice rising in pitch.
“Oh no,” Brittany says. “He has a breeding kink.”
Tina snorts. “I wonder what his Ao3 bookmarks are.”
Despite everything, Kurt has to bite back a smile. Tina is probably the one that has the most similar humor as him, because she smiles at him briefly right after. “He does not have a breeding kink, Britt. That’s ridiculous.”
“Lord Tubbington used to have a breeding kink, until he escaped for two days.” Brittany comments, earning a concerned look from everyone.
“That cat has everything, I think. But we’re not going to ignore the real issue here, Kurt.” says Mercedes, arms crossed.
“Guys, it’s just a hear me out.” he mutters, exhausted.
“You are betraying us! This is like the Jesse St. James incident all over again. He’s gonna make an omelet on your hair!” Mercedes pushes the cake to the side. “You’re not gonna go anywhere until you explain your relations to Sebastian Smythe, right here, right now.”
By the way she was talking, you would think that he spilled every future setlist to all of the glee clubs in the country. No, every glee club in the world. Who knew that Sebastian Smythe would have such a huge effect on everybody? “There isn’t anything going on, I swear! We’re literally sworn enemies, that’s all there is to it. There is no ‘secret relationship’ or whatever you’re thinking.”
“I know when people are having illicit affairs,” Santana taps her forehead. “Mexican Third Eye. ‘Fes up, Hummel.”
“Okay, okay, fine!” That got everyone to shut up real quick, everyone’s eyes on him like he was the newest Prada bag. “There isn’t any.. ‘illicit affair’, but I do.. have a crush. On him.”
Tina applauds him. “I knew it! I’m so proud of you for coming out to us.”
“Ew, seriously?!” Santana yells at the same time as Tina speaks. “The bar is in hell for you, Hummel. What do you even see in him?”
Kurt could feel his face flush. “It’s just a little crush, it’s not like I’m hopelessly devoted to him.”
Santana opened her mouth to speak, but his phone rang first. “Oh, I have to take this.” he says, pulling his phone out. The caller? Sebastian.
“You have his number?” Tina asks, grinning as she takes a peek at his phone.
“Disgusting.” Santana scoffs.
Kurt sighs, shaking his head. “Obviously.” he says, adding no explanation. “Hello?” he says into his phone.
“We need to talk.”