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Waking up on Christmas Eve felt more nightmarish than exciting for Philip Shea. It was roughly 9am when he woke up, and he honestly just wanted to go back to sleep than face the day. He rolled onto his right side and checked his phone. He had a message from Lukas that said, “merry christmas eve babe :)”. Even though Philip wasn’t in the Christmas mood, that put a smile on his face.
Philip laid in bed a few more moments staring at the text (he replied “you too” with a heart emoji), then plucked up the courage to get out of bed. He didn’t bother changing out of his flannel pajama bottoms and the t-shirt he slept in. He figured there weren’t any plans for today anyway.
Philip walked down the stairs, the scent of bacon filling his nostrils. Thank god for Gabe, he thought. Gabe always made the best breakfast. Philip walked into Gabe and Helen bustering around the kitchen singing Christmas songs, pretty badly. He leaned against the doorway to the kitchen when Helen noticed him and said, “Merry Christmas Eve, Philip. How’d you sleep?”
“Not bad, but not good either,” he replied.
“Well, it’s about to get better because I’m making the works. Eggs, bacon, pancakes. You name it, we’ve got it,” Gabe said.
Philip smiled a little and sat at the table. Gabe handed him a plate of pancakes and bacon, no eggs because there was no room since the pancakes were so big.
“So, what do you want to do today?” Helen asked.
He just shrugged.
Helen glanced at Gabe, who raised his eyebrows. “We could maybe go see the Christmas tree in the middle of town? Get some hot chocolate and look at the decorations?” Helen suggested.
Philip just said, “Whatever you guys want to do is fine.”
Helen and Gabe looked at each other, unsure of what to say. Philip knew they were just trying to make him happy and comfortable, but nothing could make him happy today.
This was the first Christmas without his mom.
Thanksgiving had been hard, but manageable. They had never done much on Thanksgiving anyway, his mom never had enough money to make a lot of food. Christmas was different. His mom had always tried really hard to make it special for him.
Philip finished a single pancake and asked to be excused.
“Sure,” Gabe said. Philip left to get a shower.
Before getting in the shower, he checked his phone. He had a reply from Lukas that said, “what are your plans for today”. Philip debated a bit, then decided to invite Lukas to hang out with him, Helen, and Gabe. If he wasn’t busy with his dad, that is.
Philip showered pretty quickly. He didn’t want to be in there a long time, long enough to start thinking about his mom again. It had been about five or six months since she died, but the absence of her still hurt every day. Even though he hadn’t seen her regularly before she died, he always knew where she was. He could always visit if he wanted. She was always there for him. And now she’s not.
After his shower he checked his phone again where there was another message from Lukas. He said that his dad and him didn’t have anything special going on, so he was up for spending the day with Philip, and Helen and Gabe. Lukas also sent him a picture of a poorly wrapped present that had Philip’s name on it.
That, at least, made Philip laugh.
He got dressed and went down to ask Helen and Gabe if Lukas could join them. They, of course, said yes. Lukas had become an unofficial fourth member of the family. He spent a lot of time at their house. Mainly because, while Lukas’ dad was okay with him and Philip dating, he wasn’t exactly keen on them hanging out at his house. So, that meant they spent most of their time at Philip’s house or the barn.
Soon, Philip heard the familiar sound of Lukas’ bike approaching the house. He eagerly walked outside to greet Lukas, Helen and Gabe trailing behind him. Lukas met him halfway and pulled him into a quick kiss, then muttered, “Merry Christmas Eve” to him again.
They held hands in Helen’s Jeep the whole way into town.
***
The tree in town was indeed beautiful, Phillip had to admit. It wasn’t huge or anything, but it had a certain charm to it. The ornaments reflected the snow’s light in such a way that made Philip feel the slightest bit festive.
Helen and Gabe were currently in line at the town’s coffee shop for hot chocolate. It seemed that most people in Tivoli had the idea to come into town and see the tree and get hot chocolate, so the place was packed. Philip and Lukas sat on a bench near the shop, holding hands mainly to keep warm.
“So, how are you doing?” Lukas asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you’ve been pretty quiet today so I…”
“I’m doing okay. I just miss her,” Philip said.
Lukas nodded. “My mom used to hang paper snowflakes all around the house. We spent hours cutting them out. My dad hated it,” he laughed. “That’s the only holiday memory I have of her. The Christmas after she died… my dad didn’t want to do anything. He was so depressed that I think he forgot to buy any gifts. The next day my grandma came over and basically spoiled me. The next year I came home from school one day and there were snowflakes hung up all over the house. I think he just wanted to make me happy, I know how much he hated those damn things. But he really loved my mom, I guess.”
Philip looked at Lukas with wonder in his eyes, but also sadness. He didn’t know how much Lukas actually remembered his mom, but sometimes little moments like this came out. “Thank you for telling me that,” Philip said.
Lukas squeezed Philip’s hand tighter and kissed his forehead.
Gabe and Helen returned then with two cups of hot chocolate in both their hands’.
They spent a couple more hours walking around town looking at all the shop windows decorated for the holiday. The four of them talked aimlessly about how cold it was, but how grateful they were for the white Christmas. Eventually, however, they decided that if they stayed out any longer they would freeze to death, so they went back to the house to watch a movie.
Once back, they agreed on The Polar Express. Gabe made some pasta for them all and they dug in while Tom Hank’s voice started to tell the story of a boy who stumbles upon the opportunity to journey to the North Pole.
Gabe sat in the recliner, while Helen was in the love seat. Philip and Lukas stole the couch, where Lukas had his arm around Philip nuzzled into Lukas’ torso. Whether he was tired or Lukas was just too comfortable, Philip managed to fall asleep halfway into the movie.
He awoke only because Lukas was kissing his forehead relentlessly.
“What are you doing?” Philip said in a groggy voice. He noticed it was now dark outside.
Lukas said between kisses, “Helen and Gabe went upstairs. You fell asleep pretty hard.”
Lukas moved from Philip’s forehead to his lips, which Philip reciprocated. He would never get tired of kissing Lukas, he had the perfect lips. Lukas drove him crazy, his hands running up and down Philip’s sides. He led Philip into laying on his back on the couch, but never once did Lukas’ lips leave Philip’s.
Philip started to take off Lukas’ shirt when a phone started buzzing. They both went looking for their phone, then Lukas said, “Shit. It’s my dad. He wants me home. I’m sorry I gotta go.” Lukas kissed Philip once more then made his way to leave.
Philip, disappointed, went upstairs to sleep some more, even though it was only 8pm. Even though he didn’t do anything exciting, he was exhausted.
***
Philip woke up after only a few hours of sleep to plinking on his window. Disoriented, he got out of bed to look out the window where he found Lukas throwing rocks at his window. Once he noticed Philip had seen him, he picked up the present that he had earlier sent Philip a picture of and started shaking it. Philip got the hint, and went downstairs to let him in.
They stealthily walked the stairs back to Philip’s room. It wasn’t the first time they had done it either.
Lukas handed him the gift and motioned for him to open it. Philip ripped into the wrapping slowly, trying to be quiet since it was nearing one in the morning. He found just a plain box and opened it. Inside was about 20 rolls of polaroid film. He looked up at Lukas.
“I figured you’d need some film for that camera and maybe we could make like a scrapbook or whatever,” said Lukas.
“It’s perfect, thank you,” Philip said. “I have something for you, too.” He opened his bedside table drawer and pulled out a neatly wrapped gift.
Lukas opened it to find a small medal and read the inscription, “Greatest motocross driver 2016.”
“I had it made special,” Philip said. “Do you like it?”
“I love it, Philip. This is… the best gift I could have ever gotten.” Lukas kissed him hard. Philip never wanted to let go of him, but he had to say something.
Philip pulled away and said, “My mom and I, we never had much money. But she always made Christmas special. We didn’t even have money for a Christmas tree. One year, I was obsessed with having one. I think I was seven or eight? But I kept nagging her about getting a Christmas tree. My logic was how could Santa put gifts under a tree if there is no tree? Stupid, I know. But she put up with it. I went to bed on Christmas Eve with no tree, but on Christmas morning I walked out of my room and there was the most pitiful Christmas tree you had even seen.” Lukas laughed, Philip kept going.
“I’m telling you, it was worse than a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but it was a fucking Christmas tree and it was there. It had maybe six ornaments on it, but it was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my life. And even though there was only like three presents under the tree, it was one of the best Christmases I’d ever had.” His eyes welled up and tears leaked out.
“I know it’s hard, Philip. The first one is always hard. But I’m here,” Lukas said, kissing Philip's cheeks to wipe away the tears.
Philip responded by giving Lukas a proper kiss. He led Lukas to his bed and asked him to stay. Lukas knew he shouldn’t, but he promised he would stay until morning. His father wouldn’t notice probably, he promised.
So, Lukas and Philip snuggled together just as fresh snow fell on Philip’s window pane. Lukas said, “Merry Christmas, Philip,” as they drifted off to sleep.