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It’s been around three weeks. Three weeks since Jamil’s Overblot.
Kalim wasn’t even sure if that was the right time. It could’ve been longer, but as of now, he could only process the time frame after the events as “post Overblot”.
Jamil hates him. Didn’t resent him, or just dislike…Jamil 𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 him. Loathed him, even. And like all the other people who had despised him before, didn’t reveal it right away. They waited, and waited…before betraying him.
Jamil 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗱 him.
Kalim didn’t like those words…betray, hate. They stirred up such bad feelings in his heart and reminded him of the burden he couldn’t escape: the burden of the Asim heir. The burden that people will betray and hate you purely for your status.
Yes, burden. Kalim couldn’t lie to himself about what the title of the heir meant to him. He was always taught to deal with the world being his enemy, taught to bear such a heavy load, but heavy loads can very easily become burdens, and no less was that true with the title of the Asim heir. It carried so much pain to the title that Kalim just endured, all the while those around him seemed to sneer and jest how lucky he was with such an honor. That added another load to Kalim.
Still…Kalim grew almost accustomed to the pain. It was familiar..it gave him worth. The pain 𝘄𝗮𝘀 for the greater good after all.
Certainly not his, but Kalim knew not to be anymore selfish than he had already been.
It was why he defended Jamil from furious Scarabia students. Why he chose to apologize for what happened during winter break, to Yuu and Grim, to Azul and the twins, to everyone. He bore the brunt of the blame, after all, he was so ignorant to what Jamil had been going through all this time…perhaps he deserved what he got during winter break.
Though Kalim spends his days smiling as if nothing had happened, laughing along, keeping everyone else’s spirits up as if the betrayal had not affected him at all, he crumbled every time he stepped into his room, by himself, in his gold gilded cage.
He pulled his pants up to his thighs, revealing bitter, healed cuts slashed and scattered along the middle of his skin. He looked down at them blankly, already getting his letter opener to add more to the collection.
The more people hurt Kalim, the more he felt he deserved it. Every insult about how he was just a pampered prince who made everyone around him suffer. How he was a gold leech or whatever else of the sort rang truer and truer as he was fully confronted with the reality of what his position, what his 𝗲𝘅𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 put Jamil and people like him through. He was a burden personified.
But as Kalim cut into his already scarred leg…he felt uneasy emotions. Complicated ones that made his brain feel mushy and confused him and scared him. Though he still felt immense guilt and self blame for what he unknowingly has caused from just living…he still felt paranoid. Selflishly paranoid as if he deserved a companion who wouldn’t betray him. Maybe it was just human instincts…we don’t want to feel lonely, after all.
Tears fill Kalim’s eyes as he carves more and more, blood being drawn from the reopened scars. He still felt paranoid. Of course he did..it never went away. He still feared he would be killed by anyone on campus here, maybe by a fellow Scarabia student, or maybe even a staff member. Why did he fear it if he knew it couldn’t be avoided..? Kalim knew his father would just be disappointed in him for that. He had spent so long cementing into his head that this was just how life would go, only for his coward of a son to still hold fear. And fear was weakness.
Thankfully he wasn’t here. Kalim could only imagine the shame he would bring to his father by cutting into his skin like this.
He was useless. He was a disappointment.
So it didn’t matter, Kalim thought, as he started to bring the letter opener to his upper arm and begin cutting there.
Kalim huffed out a sad little laugh. He was at a point where he didn’t care about where he cut. He always did it on his upper thighs, they were easy to hide, nobody would question him or notice and he could go about his day with dark clouds brewing in his brain.
But now…it came to a point where he didn’t care. He didn’t care if people saw. Didn’t care if they saw and judged him and laughed at him and called him even meaner names than before. In fact, he wanted that to happen.
He deserved it. He deserved the humiliation. After all, he’s never had to face proper consequences in his life. He’s always had someone, usually Jamil, covering up on his behalf.
Kalim was ready now though. He was ready to face the consequences. Or so he thought.
“Kalim. I brought you dinner—“
Jamil froze, so did Kalim, who had started cutting on his other arm. The letter opener was still pressed into his skin, causing droplets of blood to drip down to his forearm.
He forgot to close his door.
In a blink of an eye, Jamil was at his side, gripping his wrists and examining the wounds. The meal he had brought had all but been left on a nightstand.
“J-jamil…” Kalim started, but Jamil immediately interrupted him with a voice so low, so confrontational, he almost thought the noirette would overblot once again.
“What the fuck.” Jamil whispered lowly, almost like a hiss. He gripped Kalim’s wrists even tighter, causing the white haired boy to wince, but Jamil forcefully brought his arms up. They acted almost like an open wall around Kalim’s startled face.
“What the fuck, Kalim?! What did you DO??” Jamil yelled. Yelled 𝗮𝘁 him. Jamil’s never really…yelled at him before. Sure, he’s scolded him several times, and even as he overblotted…he didn’t seem to really yell at him and moreso at the whole world. Now it felt much more intimate. More intimidating.
“J-jamil…i-it isn’t what it looks like—“
“NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?!” Kalim flinched at Jamil’s voice, but not even this didn’t cause Jamil to settle down. Especially not when he caught a glimpse of Kalim’s thighs.
“Oh my seven, your legs too!” As Jamil examined him, placing a hand over his own forehead in what looked to be stress, Kalim did his best to hold back tears.
“Why, Kalim?! WHY would you do this?!” But that question caused the barrier to break, and tears rolled down the heir’s face as sobs left his throat..all those thoughts about him ready and wanting humiliation were nothing more than thought. He was a coward, and he was scared of this current situation.
“I’m sorryyy!!!” Kalim sobbed out as he hugged himself. “I-I’m sorry!!” He sniffled pathetically. The arm wounds burned as his hands pressed against them, but what burned more was how exposed he was, how Jamil was looking at him now.
“I…I just couldn’t make it go away…” Hearing Kalim’s strained words caused Jamil to soften up, and almost regret how angry and confrontational he acted, but he was still on edge.
“Make what go away, Kalim?” He asked, almost fearful of the answer.
“E-everything!! All the bad thoughts!” Kalim was blubbering and was practically ineligible, but the experience Jamil has acquired from dealing with Kalim’s breakdowns over their lifetimes helped him pick up what Kalim was trying to say.
“All the bad thoughts…t-that say I’m worthless! Or the ones that make me feel scared t-that I don’t have a-a-any true friends!! *hick* That they’re all out to kill me..a-and the ones that tell me I’m a b-burden! To you and y-your family a-and all the other servants! *sniffle* I-it’s all a mess, a confusing, conflicted mess and I can’t make it stop!”
After that soliloquy, Kalim descended back into sobbing, his hands gripping his arms tighter. Jamil slowly took them away, not wanting Kalim to aggravate the already fresh, bleeding gashes. He ran a hand through his hair, sighing deeply…
His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar, a̶n̶n̶o̶y̶i̶n̶g̶, raspy voice.
“Ohhhh, Kalim! Shishishi! Let’s hit up Sam’s Shop, yeah? Get me those REALLYYY expensive goodies.”
Jamil immediately marched to the front of the open door, ignoring the irritatingly opportunistic words. He really wonders why Kalim hangs out with someone who clearly only uses him for his wealth.
The noirette stood in front of the door, blocking Kalim from the hyena beastman’s view.
“Ruggie, you need to leave.”
“Huh..?” Ruggie twitched upwards awkwardly, his ear twitching in what looked to be confusion.
“Now is really not a good time.” Jamil explained, almost physically pushing Ruggie away from the door, but that movement caused a visible crack to show the shaking heir sitting on his bed, his head hanging.
Ruggie’s eyes widen, and he pushes Jamil back to get to him.
“Oi! Ruggie!” Jamil attempted to call out to him, but it was already too late. Jamil groaned, rubbing his hand over his face..he didn’t need to have more people know about this. Ruggie being here would only stress Kalim out more.
Already, Kalim seemed jumpy and flinched away before Ruggie even knelt in front of him. Slowly, he turned his tear stricken face to him, almost afraid of what expression he’d see. Would it be one of disgust? Judgement? Ready to mock..?
“Ruggie…” He whispered, almost ashamed of what he looked like now to someone who mostly stuck around for benefits.
But there was no mockery, or repulsion in Ruggie’s face. Instead, his beach blue eyes looked worried, scared almost. His eyes didn’t meet Kalim’s; his field of view went to his arms and legs, the overwhelming red caused by now scabbing over blood.
Ruggie outstretched his hand, almost as if he was approaching a spooked animal, with how Kalim curled in on himself to keep Ruggie from looking anymore.
Ruggie stood up. And a stray tear fell from Kalim’s eye in quiet submission. He accepted what would happen now. He scared Ruggie…Ruggie was freaked out by him. He’d dash out of the room, wouldn’t talk to him anymore. After this, he’d avoid him like the plague, maybe even tell others and they’d avoid him too—
Kalim’s breath caught when two skinny arms wrapped around him. Ruggie’s arms. He didn’t run away.
Even Jamil seemed taken aback at the scene, and finally allowed himself to approach.
Ruggie’s arms were tight as they hugged Kalim, tight, secure, but not suffocating. He crawled onto the bed and adjusted Kalim in his arms, cradling him now.
Once the initial shock wore off, Kalim’s tears proceeding to fall down his face once again. He wasn’t borderline sobbing like he was before..he was tired now. He just sniffled.
Ruggie clicked his tongue. It was always something he did whenever he was annoyed or ready to take advantage of Kalim or whoever else, but now it was done out of pity. He wiped one of the stray tears from Kalim’s eyes.
“Oh, Kal…” He whispered, his once smug, scheming voice sounding like honey as he pulled Kalim even closer, mindful of the fresh self-inflicted wounds.
Ruggie turned to Jamil, and gave him a nod. With that, Jamil unfroze and went to retrieve the first-aid kit that always remained in the center of Kalim’s room.
He knelt down in front of the two, and Ruggie moved just enough away to give Jamil access to treat Kalim’s injuries, but other than that, he refused to leave his side.
Jamil was fine with that, as Ruggie’s presence seemed to have a much appreciated calming presence on the heir.
Jamil took out a cotton swab and poured some water onto it using a water spell. He got started with Kalim’s legs, wiping away the blood. Though it must’ve stung, Kalim had no reaction to the cleaning. He was a hallow body, all his emotions having already been used when he sobbed his heart out earlier.
As this happened, Ruggie pressed his forehead against Kalim’s. Jamil paused, but quickly continued once more. He recognized the gesture…a gesture unique for beastmen. Humans may press their foreheads to each other all the time, but when a beastman does it, either to another beastman or some other species, it was the purest form of comfort and affection. It was meant to be done strictly to those they deeply cared about, meant to comfort them while they were hurting. Just as an animal would to its favorite human.
Perhaps Jamil was wrong about Ruggie then. He hated admitting it, but he wasn’t always a good judge of character. But could one blame him, when it seemed like Ruggie only put up with Kalim to use him as a human wallet?
But then again…he of all people had no right to judge who did or didn’t care about Kalim.
— — —
After some time, Jamil had fully disinfected and bandaged up Kalim’s arms and thighs. He stood beside the bed, contemplating.
“..Kalim.”
The boy in question finally looked up, his normally bright, ruby eyes unnaturally tired and dull.
“Kalim…I have to tell your father about this.”
In an instant, Kalim’s eyes widened and he vigorously shook his head. He mouthed “no, no, please..”. He couldn’t imagine his father’s reaction..the shame he’d bring. He looked ready to burst into tears again at the mere idea.
Ruggie puts a stop to it before it happens, pulling Kalim closer to himself again and giving Jamil a look that told him no. And it wasn’t up for debate.
“That asshole doesn’t need to know anything.”
“Ruggie..” Jamil began. Ruggie knew enough about Kalim’s father to rightfully despise him, but Jamil couldn’t in good faith just keep something like this from the man.
“You don’t understand, Ruggie. I can’t just keep this from Master Asim. I’ll be punished if it’s discovered I kept something like this a secret.”
The words, “me and my family” were on the tip of Jamil’s tongue, but he bit down. Ruggie didn’t need to know that much.
“But if you do…Kalim’ll get punished in some way shape or form, won’t he?”
Ruggie replies. A sad smile crosses Ruggie’s face, completely unlike the smirks or opportunistic grins Jamil knew him for.
“Kind of a lose lose situation for both of you..”
Jamil exhaled shakily. “I suppose it is…”
All three sat in solemn silence, contemplating the unfair hand the two Scarabia leaders had been dealt with, before Kalim finally speaks up. He’d stayed quiet for so long, one could almost forget what his voice sounded like.
“I’m sorry…for making this so hard. I make everything so difficult for you, Jamil….that’s why I—“
“That’s why you did this, I know. I know..”
Without thinking, Jamil absentmindedly twirled a stray white curl atop Kalim’s head.
Would Jamil have to go back to being a pretend therapist for Kalim until he was semi-okay again? He never really needed to take on that job since their freshman year, but before then…he was always the one who had to bare Kalim’s pain, as well as his own.
He dreaded it. He couldn’t go back to that again. He couldn’t go back to being an unequipped child trying to talk another unequipped child through panic attacks caused by nightmares of kidnappings and poisonings. It was…too much for him. It took a massive toll on him.
But of course, the one who ultimately suffered it the most was Kalim. His parents were conservative in the sense they didn’t believe in therapy, his father especially not. The very idea of getting his son professional help was a thought he detested. After all, he taught Kalim well about what his role meant, so nothing should come as a surprise to him. He’d have a breakdown here and there, but he’d ultimately grow up.
He couldn’t possibly send his son over to a doctor. His son wasn’t some mentally unstable patient who needed to be put in a strait jacket! He was fit to be the heir as he was, and refused to have shame be brought upon the Asim name for such nonsense.
…Jamil hated Kalim’s father. He’d hate him for Kalim, since unfortunately, Kalim couldn’t yet accept that his father was a bad man. A bad person.
Once again, Jamil bore the burden of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he didn’t take action and prioritized himself, then Kalim would no doubt go back to sucking it up and bottling up his feelings. And if that happened, there was no doubt something like this would inevitably happen again. Kalim would hurt himself again, or worse…maybe even make an attempt on his own life if things got really bad.
“There’s a counselor on campus, ya know.” Ruggie tried assuring.
“I know..” was all Jamil responded with. He was sure the counselor was well equipped and professional but…would Kalim even be willing to go?
His father’s hatred of therapy and refusal to look at how affected his son’s mental health was had no doubt been internalized by Kalim. Maybe he felt unworthy of it…
“I-I can go…” Jamil froze at Kalim’s voice. He was…willing?
“If it means it won’t cause you any trouble, Jamil…I can see the counselor.”
Oh. But he was only willing for self sacrificial reasons. Of fucking course.
…But it was a start.
Ruggie nudged Kalim’s forehead affectionately. “You can always talk to me too, ya know. I really hope ya don’t think I’m sticking around just for the free snacks.”
A faint huff of laughter left Kalim’s mouth, and in what felt like forever, his lips twitched into a small smile. “I don’t think that.”
Jamil cleared his throat, hoping Kalim didn’t say anything along the lines of how Jamil thought that instead. He never really hid his disdain for Ruggie..but for today, it seemed to have faded.
“You got that club of yours too.” Ruggie suggested, his voice finally raising a bit from the careful whisper he had taken on. Kalim nodded once again. He snuggled against Ruggie.
After moving a few more tufts of Kalim’s hair away, Jamil went to shut the door. As of today, as of right now, Kalim probably didn’t want anymore well meaning visitors.
He looked at the plate of food he left on the nightstand, cold and abandoned, but not ruined.
“Do you still want your dinner, Kalim? I can go warm it up.”
Kalim gave a tired but appreciative smile. “Yes please..your food’s always the best, Jamil.”