Chapter Text
Shane tried to drive to Rose’s apartment from Le Ciel. He really tried. He said good night to Miles, got buckled in, typed in her address to the navigation system , and started following the directions. Super easy. He just needed to focus on getting there.
He could do this. He had a Plan. Tonight, he would use his mouth and fingers on her to distract her from focusing on him. He could do this! He loved Rose, and she was worth the effort.
He definitely needed to block out seeing Ilya tonight after their lackluster game where he wouldn’t even look at Shane. Not that Shane deserved those beautiful blue eyes on him. He knew that.
But, he also didn’t deserve Ilya glaring at him as he danced with Rose and her friends. Shane could feel it even when he had looked away from Ilya to focus on Rose. Ilya's gaze had burned at his soul.
It was worse when he looked back to him again and Ilya was dancing with a beautiful woman that he didn’t have to hide with. Showing her off to Shane and teasingly kissing her neck and ear. Shane had stared at them for far too long, motionless on the dance floor, and had to make himself turn and walk away. He made his excuses to Rose and walked down to his Jeep with Miles.
It was fine. Everything would be fine. He couldn’t be with Ilya. Not as a boyfriend. He had ended things badly, but he had ended them at the right time. Before it got Serious. He just had to get over it and focus on loving Rose.
Shane sucked in a breath and swiped at his eyes, missing a turn. Shit! He turned at the next street and got the instructions reoriented.
Problem was, the next street had a large billboard of Ilya’s recent vodka ad, featuring a shirtless Ilya pouring a bottle of expensive vodka over his face and down his bare chest. It didn’t help that this billboard was a digital vid board, so Shane could see him shivering from the cold of frozen vodka and his chest heaving for breath as it had when Shane was last riding him.
The sob that escaped his own mouth actually surprised him. Shane very rarely fully cried or even got teary. He shook his head to rattle himself out of it, drove past the billboard, and got back on course to go see his beautiful girlfriend.
For some weird reason, though, the road got blurry. Really blurry and watery. Shane flipped on the windshield wipers, but they screeched because the windshield was dry. Shane scrubbed at his eyes, sobbed again, and made himself pull over.
He pushed the hazard button and grabbed a handful of tissues from the dispenser before collapsing against the steering wheel and crying for real.
He checked the time, and it was 11:45. He would let himself cry for five minutes before he would make himself get all the way over it. He could do this. But…for five minutes, he would mourn the loss of Ilya in his life.
Four minutes later, though, he was startled when the passenger door popped open and Ilya Rozanov slid into the seat. “What is wrong with your car?” Said with obvious irritation and a scowl on his face at having to check on his idiot ex and his boring car.
Shane lifted his head up from the steering wheel, and Ilya could see that Shane had been crying Hard. Odd for a man who barely ever lets tears fall at all. His scowl softened slightly, but only just. He may not have to help, but he would still have to listen. He wanted to go back to back to the hotel, shower, and pass out so he could forget this horrible day and move on.
Shane scrubbed at his face with a tissue. “What? Oh. It’s nothing. The Jeep is fine.” Ilya's hand was right there on the gearshift and Shane wanted to take it and hold it, but definitely shouldn’t.
Ilya rolled his eyes, still irritated about Everything. “Yes. You are pulled over with flashing lights and tears because everything is perfectly fine. This is normal.”
Shane huffs a sigh. “The Jeep is fine, I’m fucked up. You don’t have to worry about it.” He wanted to add Rozanov at the end, but their names were too touchy right now.
Ilya snorted, “You’re fucked up? Did you get drunk? I will drive you home. You pick up boring Jeep tomorrow.” God, he just needed to get this resolved and get the fuck away from Shane Hollander and his pretty face and freckles for a few weeks. By All Stars Ilya would be stronger and could properly ignore him and play hockey.
Shane shook his head and still can’t look at Ilya. “No. I’m not drunk. I’ll be fine.” As much as Shane was settled by Ilya’s warmth and familiar scent, he needed him to leave.
Ilya shakes his head back at Shane in a mocking manner. “No, you are not fine. You are crying like baby, which you never do. What is wrong?”
Shane huffed and smacked his hands on the wheel, getting angry with himself and their horrible situation. “I fucked up with you! You know that. I fucked up our friendship.” He scrubbed at his face again. “And I’m fucking up with Rose. I love her, I mean, she’s great, but I think I’m gay. She doesn’t deserve that.”
Ilya is silent for a long moment, watching Shane try to dry his face and stop crying. He was bad at it. Ilya then opened the car door, got out, and slammed the door shut behind himself.
Shane sighed and slumped into the steering wheel again, depressed at losing the only person he could talk to about this. He knew he deserved that. He still can’t forgive himself for how badly he had treated Ilya in Boston.
The drivers door was then ripped open, and Ilya reached in and unbuckled Shane before pulling him out and guiding them to sit in the back seat. “How do you want to tell her?”
Shane was still gaping and managed to get the car door shut as they sat down together. “Um…well, I should tell her in person. But, I know she wants to fuck again tonight and…” Shane shuddered at the memory of their first attempt.
Ilya rolled his eyes. “Don’t be stupid. You only fuck someone when you both want to fuck, not just when they want to fuck. It has to be a Yes from both or it is a No.” His mama had taught him that when he was little, after a friend had cried to her over tea after her husband took advantage of her.
Shane sighed. “You’re right. I just don’t know how to say it.”
Ilya’s eyes may roll out of his head. “This is not difficult. You say, “Hello, dumb wench that I dumped my situationship for, I am gay and we will never fuck again.””
Shane cringed and ran a hand over his face. “I’m sorry.” He pulled in a deep breath and decided to give Ilya a proper apology. “I’m sorry I freaked out so hard that day and didn’t try to calm down to talk to you.”
Ilya snorted and looked away from Shane. “Freaked out over nothing.”
Shane scowled. “It wasn’t nothing. Stop being an asshole, this is hard enough. I freaked out because I have feelings for you… and it felt like it was something for you too.” Shane looked down at his hands and picked at his cuticles.
This was painful, but if they talked it out, maybe they could be friends again one day. Shane had deeply missed texting and hanging out with Ilya, and often read over his Lily chat just to feel him there in his life again.
Ilya turned and looked out the front windshield, crossing his arms and going stonefaced. “We cannot be something, Hollander.”
“I know.” Shane sighed and raked a hand through his hair. He should leave it right there. At the honest admission that they could never have each other. But, Shane's grieving mouth kept babbling on with, “But…if we could be something…would you want to?”
Ilya whipped back around to Shane. “What is the point of-“
Shane held a hand up to interrupt Ilya, and then took his hands in his own. “I mean it. If we ever could, would you be interested?”
Why was he doing this to himself!?! He was torturing them both, and he knew it, but at this point, Shane could not stop or let go of Ilya’s hands without knowing if it was as deep for him too. Because Shane felt like he was drowning, and it would sort of nice to know that he wasn’t drowning alone.
Ilya gripped Shane’s hands tightly and glared at him. “I can’t. Do you understand?” Ilya could never have Shane and live. As much as he was angry at him for walking out on their dinner date, Ilya had understood it.
Shane shook his head, and wiped a stray tear away with his wrist, keeping hold of Ilya’s hands. “I…want to. I want to figure this out.”
“I could never go home!” Ilya drew in a deep breath and tried to control his own emotions.
“Your family would—“
“Russia would! It is illegal there.” He huffs. “And my brother is police. My father is police. And very old fashioned.”
“That’s awful.” Shane whispered. He knew had to look things up about Russia later. “So…what would happen if anyone found out?” Shane asked as he stroked his thumbs over Ilya’s hands, trying to calm them both.
“I don’t want to find out!” Ilya shook his head and the tears started coming because he knew exactly what would happen.
Ilya’s family would kill him and make it look like an accident to save face. It hurt even more to know that they would miss his money more than they would miss him. He turned his head away to hide his tears and to try to stop crying.
“Hey.” Shane said softly as he leaned in to look closer at Ilya’s face. When he saw tears, he moved and straddled Ilya’s lap, on his knees on the back bench, and he pulled Ilya into his arms and kissed his hair.
Ilya’s breath hitched and his arms lifted up automatically, and he held on tight, and rocked Shane, thinking that this might be the last chance he would get to hold the man he loves. The man he could never have.
After a while, with cuddles and kisses and all the tissues in the car, they both calmed down, and Ilya nuzzled into Shane’s chest and then looked up at him. “Call Rose. Call and break up with her.”
Shane winced. “I should do that in person. I like Rose.”
Ilya squeezed Shane. “I know, you should say so in person, but…” He drew in a breath. “If you don’t break up with her, I can’t take you home and fuck you. I don’t cheat.”
Shane locked eyes with Ilya for a long moment. They needed this, and wouldn’t see each other again until All Stars. He sighed and twisted in Ilya’s lap and reached for his phone that was in the clip by the cupholder. He found Rose’s contact and made a rare use of the call button.
Ilya pulled Shane close again as the phone rang and stayed quiet to listen.
Shane settled into Ilya’s lap again, and jittered a little when Rose answered. Ilya rubbed his back to calm him, but stayed quiet.
“Hey, babe! Where are you?” She giggled. “Did Miles corner you in the parking garage?”
Shane gave a soft laugh. “Yeah, he did. How did you know?” He was glad for the momentary distraction, so he could try to plan what to say. He didn’t want to hurt her.
Rose crowed at his answer. “Oh, My God! I am so sorry, babe. He has such a crush on you, and he says you’re his hall pass.”
Shane rolled his eyes, but was smiling. “It was just a kiss, so it was no big deal.”
Ilya quirked an eyebrow and plotted to find out more about Miles later as Rose cooed, “Shane Hollander, you are too sweet!” She giggled again. “Sooooo. Why are you calling? Did your ultra reliable Jeep break down?”
Shane snorted. “Never. I keep up with the maintenance.” He sucked in a breath. “I need to talk to you. About us.”
Rose made a weird noise. “Uh oh. That sounds serious.”
Shane winced. “Well, I hope it’s not.” He cleared his throat and shook his head. “Well, it is.” He took a deep breath and started over “It’s just…we kind of need to break up.” He smacked his own face because that was so bad and Ilya laughed at him silently.
Rose sighed and was quiet for a moment. “I know, babe.” She gave a soft whine because she really likes Shane. “Our schedules don’t line up after this week.” As much as she loved being Shane's girlfriend in Montreal, that life was almost over, and she would have to focus on her new work in LA very soon.
Shane nodded, even though she couldn’t see it and breathed a sigh of relief. “That, and a personal issue that I want to talk about later.”
He could hear her smile as she said, “Yeah, we’re talking later! I’m going to be friends with you forever, Shane. We’re still having dinner on Thursday, right?”
He smiled back and ignored that Ilya was rolling his eyes. “Yeah, that sounds perfect. I really do want to talk to you.”
Rose sighed in relief. “Good. And text. I will text you every day. You can’t get rid of me!”
Shane chuckled. “Hope you still feel that way in my off season. I’ll see you on Thursday, Rose.”
“See you Thursday!” And she hung up and Shane looked at Ilya. “Happy?”
Ilya huffed. “Maybe. Who is Miles?”
Shane snorted. “Rose’s friend. He was dancing with us.”
Ilya, who is definitely Not Jealous, huffs, “Oh, I know he was dancing with you. Grinding up against your ass and kissing your neck.”
Shane laughed and rolled his eyes. “He wasn’t-“
And Ilya grabbed the back of Shane’s head and pressed their foreheads together. “I am the only one who kisses your neck.”
Shane got lost in Ilya’s eyes and the pressure of his fingers on his skull for a moment and gave him a sweet little smile and kissed Ilya softly. “I can agree to that.”