Work Text:
Salix had made a mistake.
Not the big kind, not the "accidentally unleashed an eldritch horror on Osaka" kind. Those were Tuesday. No, this was a different kind of mistake.
He'd created a Minecraft server.
"For team bonding," he'd told Rin, who had looked at him with the expression of someone who had seen her brother bathe in wine and still found this more concerning.
"For fun," he'd told Kaminari, who had immediately started building a shrine to Salix out of obsidian and crying obsidian, because of course he had.
"For stress relief," he'd told Sakura, who had downloaded the server IP, analyzed it, and already had three contingency plans for if anyone griefed her territory.
"For chaos," he'd told Hikari, who had hacked into the server before Salix had even finished typing the password and was already building a redstone computer.
Salix had created a Minecraft server.
And now he was paying for it.
---
DISCORD : OSAKA ALLIES CHANNEL
<Kaminari> THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CAVES
<Kaminari> THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CAVES AND IT'S NOT A NORMAL THING
<Kaminari> SALIX WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THIS SERVER
<Sakura> Kaminari, calm down.
<Sakura> It's just a creeper.
<Kaminari> IT IS NOT JUST A CREEPER
<Kaminari> IT HAS MULTIPLE ARMS
<Kaminari> IT MAKES SOUNDS I CAN'T DESCRIBE
<Kaminari> I HAVE SEEN SALIX'S EXES
<Kaminari> I HAVE SEEN THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T EXIST
<Kaminari> THIS IS WORSE
<Rin> Kaminari, breathe.
<Rin> I'm coming to get you.
<Kaminari> NO STAY BACK
<Kaminari> IT'S IN THE WALLS
<Kaminari> I HEAR IT IN THE WALLS
<Hikari> This is the most entertainment I've had in weeks.
<Hikari> I'm recording this.
<Kaminari> I HATE YOU
<Kaminari> I HATE ALL OF YOU
<Kaminari> SALIX WHY
---
On the other side of Osaka, Salix Sawako sat in his apartment, phone in one hand, glass of something alcoholic in the other, and watched the chaos unfold with the serene expression of a man who had made peace with his choices.
His Minecraft character stood on a mountain peak, looking down at the sprawling chaos below. Kaminari's shrine was half-finished. Sakura's territory was a geometric nightmare of perfectly aligned walls and automated defenses. Hikari's redstone computer was somehow already playing Doom. Rin had built a functioning farm that was feeding everyone despite nobody asking for one.
And in the caves beneath it all, the horror mod mobs were doing exactly what Salix had installed them to do.
Trauma, Salix thought. The gift that keeps on giving.
His phone buzzed.
Bruce (Discord DM): Your server sounds chaotic.
Salix smiled. You're watching?
Bruce: Alfred is. He's been monitoring the Discord channel for "educational purposes."
Bruce: He's concerned about Kaminari.
Bruce: And amused about Hikari.
Bruce: And impressed by Sakura's wall alignment.
Bruce: He wants to know if you've considered installing a mod that allows for proper tea brewing.
Salix laughed out loud. Alfred is welcome to join the server anytime. I'll make him a garden.
Bruce: Don't. He'll spend three hours optimizing the crop rotation and then start making suggestions about your building placement.
Bruce: I've seen him do it in my own server. It's terrifying.
Bruce: He's already sending me a list of structural improvements for your mountain base.
Salix glanced at the Discord chat, where Kaminari had just posted a screenshot of the horror mob with the caption: "THIS IS WHAT I SAW IN MY NIGHTMARES."
Tell Alfred I appreciate the feedback, but my mountain base is aesthetically designed to look like a sleeping dragon. Structural integrity is secondary to vibes.
Bruce: I'm not telling him that. He'll write a twelve-page thesis on why vibes and structural integrity can coexist.
Bruce: He's done it before. I have the documents.
Salix snorted. He's adorable. I'm coming to Gotham next week. I'll tell him myself.
Bruce: He'll be delighted. You're his favorite.
I know. I'm also your favorite.
A pause. Then:
Bruce: You are.
Salix's heart did something complicated. He ignored it.
I know, Batsy. Now watch Kaminari have a breakdown. It's funnier than it should be.
---
DISCORD : OSAKA ALLIES CHANNEL
<Kaminari> IT FOLLOWED ME HOME
<Kaminari> THE THING FOLLOWED ME HOME
<Sakura> You built your base right next to the cave entrance.
<Sakura> What did you expect?
<Kaminari> I EXPECTED PEACE
<Kaminari> I EXPECTED QUIET
<Kaminari> I EXPECTED TO BUILD MY SHRINE AND BE HAPPY
<Rin> Kaminari, the shrine is literally made of obsidian and crying obsidian.
<Rin> You built it in the shape of Salix's face.
<Rin> This was never going to be peaceful.
<Kaminari> THE HORROR MOB IS NOW IN MY SHRINE
<Kaminari> IT'S SITTING ON THE ALTAR
<Kaminari> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS
<Hikari> It's claiming territory.
<Hikari> The mob has marked your shrine as its own.
<Hikari> This is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
<Kaminari> I WILL END YOU
<Kaminari> I WILL FIND YOUR BASE AND I WILL END YOU
<Hikari> You can't. My base is invisible.
<Hikari> I built it underground. 50 blocks down. You'll never find it.
<Sakura> I found it.
<Sakura> I found it on the first day. It's 47 blocks down, actually. You measured wrong.
<Hikari> EXCUSE ME
<Sakura> Your redstone computer is impressive, though.
<Sakura> You optimized the clock speed with a quad-core parallel processing architecture.
<Sakura> That's actually brilliant.
<Hikari> ...thank you?
<Sakura> You're welcome. I also left a sign.
<Sakura> It says "I found you."
<Sakura> I wanted you to know.
<Hikari> I HATE YOU
<Hikari> I HATE ALL OF YOU
<Hikari> THIS IS THE WORST SERVER I'VE EVER BEEN ON
<Rin> Then why are you still playing?
<Hikari> BECAUSE I'M INVESTED NOW
<Hikari> I NEED TO SEE HOW THIS ENDS
<Kaminari> IT ENDS WITH ME COMMITTING WAR CRIMES IN MINECRAFT
<Kaminari> I KNOW HOW TO MAKE TNT
<Kaminari> I'M GOING TO BLOW UP EVERYTHING
<Sakura> I have automated defenses.
<Sakura> The TNT will be intercepted and returned to you.
<Kaminari> I HATE TECHNOLOGY
<Rin> You're literally powered by electricity.
<Kaminari> THAT'S DIFFERENT
<Kaminari> THAT'S NATURAL
<Kaminari> THIS IS UNNATURAL
<Hikari> Nothing about you is natural, Kaminari.
<Hikari> You bathe in wine.
<Kaminari> AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE A REDSTONE COMPUTER THAT PLAYS DOOM
<Hikari> It's not just Doom.
<Hikari> I ported Skyrim too.
<Kaminari> WHYYYYYY
---
DISCORD : BRUCE AND SALIX DM
Bruce: Kaminari seems to be having a crisis.
He's always having a crisis. It's his default state.
Bruce: Has he always been like this?
Yes. He got his powers from me, it's a long story, not relevant, and it broke something in him. He's been like this ever since.
Bruce: And he's one of your allies?
He's one of my most loyal allies. He also once tried to kill Hikari because she slapped me. He nearly succeeded.
Bruce: ...I have questions.
Save them for the visit. I'll explain over tea.
Bruce: Alfred will be thrilled.
I know. Now let me get back to watching Kaminari have a breakdown. It's therapeutic.
Bruce: You're enjoying this too much.
I installed the horror mod specifically to watch him lose his mind. Of course I'm enjoying it.
Bruce: Did you also install the mod to watch Sakura's reaction?
Sakura's reaction was predictable. She catalogued every mob variant and wrote a threat assessment within ten minutes.
Bruce: Sounds like someone I know.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Bruce: You have your mother's tendencies.
...I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
---
Salix set his phone down and returned his attention to his computer screen.
Kaminari was currently being chased by three horror mobs through his own shrine. He was screaming in voice chat. Rin was trying to help but kept laughing too hard to give coherent instructions. Sakura was watching from a safe distance, taking notes. Hikari was playing Skyrim on her redstone computer.
It was chaotic.
It was beautiful.
It was exactly what Salix had wanted.
He typed a quick message in the Discord chat:
<Salix> Kaminari, the mobs won't attack you if you stop running. They just want to be friends.
<Kaminari> THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS
<Kaminari> THEY HAVE TOO MANY ARMS
<Kaminari> FRIENDS DO NOT HAVE THIS MANY ARMS
<Salix> That's discrimination.
<Kaminari> I WILL DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ANYTHING WITH MORE THAN FOUR ARMS
<Kaminari> THIS IS A BOUNDARY
<Sakura> Noted.
<Sakura> I'll make sure to keep my arm count within acceptable parameters.
<Kaminari> YOU'RE NOT HELPING
<Salix> Nobody's helping. That's the point.
<Rin> Salix, you're supposed to be the leader.
<Salix> I'm overseeing. There's a difference.
<Hikari> He's chaos-monitoring.
<Hikari> It's a valid leadership style.
<Sakura> It really isn't.
<Salix> And yet, I'm the one with the server admin powers.
<Sakura> ...fair point.
---
DISCORD : BRUCE AND SALIX DM
Bruce: You just used admin powers to spawn a horror mob directly on top of Kaminari.
I did.
Bruce: Why?
Because he said he was going to commit war crimes, and I wanted to remind him who's in charge.
Bruce: That's one way to establish dominance.
I learned from the best.
Bruce: ...I'm going to pretend that wasn't a dig at me.
It wasn't. I was talking about the cult of non-human vigilantes who raised me. They were terrifying.
Bruce: More terrifying than you?
Yes. Saella once made a person's head explode just by looking at them.
Bruce: ...
My point is, my leadership style is mild compared to theirs.
Bruce: You spawned a horror mob on your ally because he joked about war crimes.
He'll be fine. He needs the exposure therapy.
Bruce: You're impossible.
You've known me for decades. This isn't new information.
---
On the server, Kaminari had finally stopped running. The horror mobs were now standing around him in a loose circle, watching him with their too-many-eyes and too-many-arms.
<Kaminari> ...are they...
<Kaminari> Are they just... standing there?
<Rin> They look like they're waiting for something.
<Hikari> Maybe they want an offering.
<Kaminari> I AM NOT OFFERING ANYTHING
<Sakura> They might just be curious.
<Sakura> They've never seen a human before.
<Kaminari> I AM NOT HUMAN
<Kaminari> I AM AN ARTIFICIAL METAHUMAN
<Kaminari> THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
<Salix> They don't know that.
<Kaminari> SALIX
<Salix> Yes?
<Kaminari> WHY ARE THEY FOLLOWING ME
<Salix> Because they like you.
<Kaminari> I DON'T WANT THEM TO LIKE ME
<Salix> Too late. You've been chosen.
<Kaminari> CHOSEN FOR WHAT
<Salix> I don't know. I didn't read the mob lore.
<Kaminari> YOU INSTALLED THE MOD WITHOUT READING THE LORE
<Salix> I installed it for the aesthetic.
<Kaminari> I HATE EVERYTHING
---
DISCORD : OSAKA ALLIES CHANNEL
<Kaminari> I'm going to log off.
<Rin> No, don't.
<Rin> The mobs will just follow you into the main menu.
<Kaminari> THEY CAN'T FOLLOW ME INTO THE MAIN MENU
<Sakura> The horror mod has a known bug.
<Sakura> It can follow players across servers.
<Kaminari> THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE
<Hikari> It's possible.
<Hikari> I researched it while you were screaming.
<Kaminari> OF COURSE YOU DID
<Salix> Kaminari.
<Kaminari> WHAT
<Salix> The mobs are just trying to be friends.
<Kaminari> I DON'T WANT FRIENDS
<Salix> Then build a wall.
<Kaminari> WHAT
<Salix> Build a wall around your shrine. Keep them out.
<Kaminari> I CAN'T BUILD A WALL
<Salix> Why not?
<Kaminari> BECAUSE I'M BEING CHASED
<Salix> That's not an excuse.
<Kaminari> I HATE YOU
<Kaminari> I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SERVER
<Kaminari> I HATE MINECRAFT
<Kaminari> I HATE HORROR MOBS
<Kaminari> I HATE ALL OF YOU
<Rin> He's going to need therapy after this.
<Sakura> He already needed therapy.
<Hikari> He's definitely going to need more.
<Salix> It builds character.
<Kaminari> CHARACTER DOES NOT NEED TO BE BUILT
<Kaminari> CHARACTER IS ALREADY BUILT
<Kaminari> I AM FULLY FORMED
<Salix> Then you should be fine.
<Kaminari> I'M NOT FINE
<Salix> That's okay. Nobody's fine.
<Kaminari> THAT'S NOT HELPING
<Salix> I know.
---
DISCORD : BRUCE AND SALIX DM
Bruce: You're terrible at leadership.
I'm terrible at everything except combat and emotional manipulation.
Bruce: That's not true.
It's true. You just don't want to admit it.
Bruce: You're good at being a friend.
...
Bruce: I mean it.
Thank you, Bruce.
Bruce: Now stop torturing Kaminari and go help him.
He'll be fine. He's been through worse.
Bruce: That's not the point.
Then what is the point?
Bruce: The point is that you're supposed to be his leader, and leaders help their people.
I am helping. I'm giving him a learning experience.
Bruce: Salix.
Fine. I'll help him.
Bruce: Good.
But I'm not deleting the horror mod.
Bruce: I wouldn't expect you to.
---
Salix logged back into the server and teleported to Kaminari's location.
The horror mobs were still there, standing in a loose circle around the electric vigilante, who was crouching in the corner of his shrine and staring at them with wide, traumatized eyes.
<Salix> Kaminari.
<Kaminari> GO AWAY
<Salix> I'm here to help.
<Kaminari> I DON'T WANT HELP
<Salix> Too bad. I'm giving it anyway.
Salix walked up to the horror mobs and waved. They waved back.
<Salix> See? They're friendly.
<Kaminari> THEY'RE NOT FRIENDLY
<Salix> They haven't attacked you.
<Kaminari> THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE PLOTTING
<Salix> They're not plotting. They're just curious.
<Kaminari> HOW DO YOU KNOW
<Salix> Because I'm the admin. I can see their AI pathing.
<Kaminari> ...that doesn't mean they're not plotting.
<Salix> It means they're not plotting in the code.
<Kaminari> COULD THEY BE PLOTTING OUTSIDE THE CODE
<Salix> ...I don't know. I didn't check.
<Kaminari> I HATE EVERYTHING
<Salix> You keep saying that.
<Kaminari> BECAUSE IT'S TRUE
---
DISCORD : OSAKA ALLIES CHANNEL
<Rin> Salix, is he okay?
<Salix> He's fine. Just dramatic.
<Kaminari> I AM NOT DRAMATIC
<Salix> You're literally crying in voice chat.
<Kaminari> I AM NOT CRYING
<Sakura> I can hear you crying.
<Kaminari> SHUT UP
<Hikari> This is the best day of my life.
<Rin> Hikari, don't be mean.
<Hikari> I'm not being mean. I'm being honest.
<Hikari> Watching Kaminari have a meltdown over Minecraft mobs is therapeutic.
<Sakura> It's probably PTSD-related.
<Hikari> I know. That's what makes it therapeutic.
<Rin> HIKARI
<Salix> She's not wrong.
<Rin> SALIX
<Salix> Kaminari has seen worse. He'll be fine.
<Kaminari> I WON'T BE FINE
<Kaminari> I NEED WINE
<Kaminari> I NEED A WINE BATH
<Kaminari> I NEED TO SOAK IN WINE UNTIL I FORGET EVERYTHING
<Rin> That's not how trauma works.
<Kaminari> IT'S HOW MY TRAUMA WORKS
<Sakura> Actually, that's fair.
<Salix> Go take a bath, Kaminari.
<Kaminari> I WILL
<Kaminari> I'M LOGGING OFF
<Kaminari> I'M GOING TO DRINK MY BATH
<Kaminari> AND THEN I'M GOING TO DRINK MY BATH
<Salix> ...that's not what you meant.
<Kaminari> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEANT
<Kaminari> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE
---
Kaminari logged off.
There was a moment of silence in the Discord channel.
<Rin> ...he's going to be okay, right?
<Salix> Yeah.
<Sakura> He'll be fine after a bath.
<Hikari> And maybe some therapy.
<Rin> He's already in therapy.
<Hikari> Then he's in the right place.
<Salix> See? This is team bonding.
<Rin> This is not team bonding.
<Salix> It's the closest we're going to get.
<Sakura> He has a point.
<Hikari> I hate that he has a point.
<Salix> I know. That's what makes it fun.
---
DISCORD : BRUCE AND SALIX DM
Bruce: You really know how to bring people together.
I try.
Bruce: Kaminari's crying stopped being funny about ten minutes ago.
It never stopped being funny. You just have a low tolerance for schadenfreude.
Bruce: I have a perfectly normal tolerance for schadenfreude.
You really don't.
Bruce: Fine. I don't.
Bruce: But I still think you should check on him.
I will.
Bruce: When?
After I finish building my dragon-shaped mountain base.
Bruce: Salix.
Fine. Fine. I'll check on him now.
Bruce: Thank you.
You're welcome, Batsy.
Bruce: Don't call me that.
Too late. I've been calling you that for thirty years.
Bruce: ...I regret everything.
No, you don't. You love me.
Bruce: I do. It's the worst decision I've ever made.
It's the best decision you've ever made.
Bruce: That's debatable.
It's not debatable. It's a fact.
Bruce: You're impossible.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Bruce: ...I'm going to check on Alfred.
Tell him I said hi.
Bruce: He's probably already watching the Discord channel.
Good. He deserves entertainment.
Bruce: He deserves peace.
He has peace. He's not the one on the server.
Bruce: Fair point.
---
Salix logged back into the server and flew over to Kaminari's base.
The horror mobs were gone. Probably following Kaminari's character to the main menu.
Salix found Kaminari's character standing in the middle of the shrine, staring at the obsidian altar.
<Salix> Kaminari?
<Kaminari> I'm back.
<Salix> I can see that.
<Kaminari> The wine helped.
<Salix> Good.
<Kaminari> I'm still traumatized.
<Salix> That's okay.
<Kaminari> Is it?
<Salix> Yeah. I'm always traumatized. It's part of being alive.
<Kaminari> That's really depressing.
<Salix> It's also true.
<Kaminari> ...thanks for checking on me.
<Salix> You're welcome.
<Kaminari> You're not going to spawn more horror mobs on me, are you?
<Salix> Not tonight.
<Kaminari> ...that's not a no.
<Salix> It's not a yes either.
<Kaminari> I hate everything.
<Salix> I know. That's what makes you you.
---
DISCORD : OSAKA ALLIES CHANNEL
<Rin> Is Kaminari back?
<Salix> He's back.
<Sakura> Is he okay?
<Salix> He's alive.
<Hikari> That's not the same thing.
<Salix> It's close enough.
<Kaminari> I'm fine.
<Kaminari> I'm traumatized, but I'm fine.
<Rin> That's fair.
<Sakura> We should have a group activity tomorrow.
<Hikari> No. Absolutely not.
<Sakura> It'll be fun.
<Hikari> The last group activity was a disaster.
<Sakura> That was because Kaminari got chased by horror mobs.
<Kaminari> THAT WAS TODAY
<Sakura> Exactly. Tomorrow will be better.
<Salix> What do you have in mind?
<Sakura> We build a shared city.
<Salix> ...
<Hikari> That's the worst idea I've ever heard.
<Sakura> It'll be team bonding.
<Hikari> It'll be a disaster.
<Sakura> The disaster is the point.
<Salix> I approve of this plan.
<Rin> Of course you do.
<Salix> I like watching chaos.
<Hikari> We know.
<Kaminari> As long as there are no horror mobs.
<Sakura> No promises.
<Kaminari> SAKURA
<Sakura> I'm kidding. Mostly.
<Kaminari> I HATE EVERYTHING
<Salix> There it is.
<Salix> The soundtrack of our friendship.
---
DISCORD : BRUCE AND SALIX DM
Bruce: You're building a shared city tomorrow?
Sakura's idea. I'm just facilitating.
Bruce: That sounds like a disaster.
It will be. That's why I'm excited.
Bruce: You have a strange definition of fun.
I have the same definition of fun as I've always had. Watching people suffer in low-stakes environments.
Bruce: ...that's called schadenfreude.
I know. It's my love language.
Bruce: I regret asking.
No, you don't. You love hearing about my chaotic life.
Bruce: I tolerate it.
That's the same thing.
Bruce: It really isn't.
It really is.
Bruce: ...I'm going to sleep.
It's 3 PM.
Bruce: I'm going to take a nap.
Fine. Let me know when you wake up.
Bruce: You'll be here?
I'll always be here, Batsy.
Bruce: ...I know.
Sleep well.
Bruce: You too. Eventually.
I don't sleep. I power down.
Bruce: That's not healthy.
I'm not healthy. That's what makes me fun.
Bruce: Goodnight, Salix.
Goodnight, Bruce.
---
Salix set his phone down and looked at his computer screen.
The server was quiet now. Kaminari was building a wall around his shrine. Rin was tending to her farm. Sakura was planning the shared city. Hikari was playing Doom on her redstone computer.
It was peaceful.
It was chaotic.
It was exactly what Salix had wanted.
He smiled and took a sip of his drink.
Tomorrow, the chaos would begin again.
And Salix couldn't wait.