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Sirius had been away on a mission for three days and Remus thought he might be beginning to lose his mind. He was a day away from the August full moon and all he wanted was to be lying on the sofa, Sirius at his side and a steaming cup of tea in his hand.
Instead, he was sweating through his pyjamas and bedsheets with flaming pain licking up his side, contemplating whether or not the need to make lunch was greater than the need to bury himself under the duvet and never move again. Ultimately, lunch was forgone and Remus pulled a pillow over his head to block the sunshine inching through the gaps in the blinds.
The days immediately before and after the moon were the worst. It was futile trying to sleep, either plagued by insomnia or nightmares if he eventually did doze off, and it was equally as useless to try and get out of bed. He’d be lucky to make it halfway down the hallway without wanting to saw his leg off at the hip.
Of course, if Sirius was here, it would be different. Still shit, still painful, but better. It was always better with him and a selfish part of Remus felt angry that he’d been called away on a mission during the one time of the month when he needed Sirius most. He was due back in the early hours of Wednesday, the morning after the moon, but if he had it his way Sirius would be with him the whole time. He knew the Order was crucial and he was proud—Sirius was helping, fighting, protecting— but somewhere in the back of his mind, Remus wished they could run from it all. Leave magic, leave London, run somewhere far away and just be together away from all the evil. He shook his head, dissolving the pipe dream and willing himself back to reality: It was never going to happen and he needed to be okay with that.
A sharp knock at the door whisked him out of his fantasising and he pulled the pillow off of his face with a groan. If it was Sirius he’d have just let himself in, he wouldn’t knock. And frankly, he was in no mood to be seeing anyone else, he just wanted to be alone.
Remus made no sign of moving to the door, he just lay there. It was probably a postman, with some Muggle house bills or spam mail. A few seconds later and the knocking sounded again, this time intensified, and Remus rolled his eyes, trying to shift himself up the bed and failing with a groan.
“Moony are you in?” A voice called through the letterbox and Remus stilled. It was James?
Now Remus was truly confused. They never showed up at each other’s flats without warning, it was something they’d been instructed not to do by the senior Order members. House visits should be planned and someone else should always know your whereabouts. Almost immediately, the dark thoughts found their way in, something must be wrong. Was Sirius okay? Had something happened on his mission? Was James in danger? Remus took a breath and cleared his throat.
“Er, yeah. What’s up?” He called back through the flat, thankful that his bedroom was only a few metres from the front door— the perks of a tiny London one-bed.
“Can you let me in?” James called again.
“One sec.”
Remus sighed and prepared his body to move, gritting his teeth as he pulled his legs over the side. It felt like flames engulfing him, like hundreds of pins being pressed into his bones and making him lightheaded, his vision clouding for a moment. There was no way he was going to make it to the door and so he grabbed his wand off the bedside and leant forward just enough that he could see the front door from his bed and cast alohamora. The door clicked and swung open a few inches and Remus watched as James pushed it open the rest of the way, a strange mix of confusion and nervousness written across his features. Remus once again forced himself to take a breath, everything is okay, don’t panic.
“I’m in the bedroom.” Remus called again and half-heartedly attempted to make the bed look less messy, fluffing the pillow he’d flattened and running a hand through his hair.
The door clicked shut and Remus heard the thud of James taking off his shoes and tossing them to the floor before walking to the bedroom and peering round the door.
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah ‘course.” Remus replied and James moved into the room.
“Sorry for just showing up. I dunno what’s wrong with me, I just— I needed to talk, or something...” James trailed off and stared at a spot on the wall.
Remus looked and him and noticed the dark bags under his eyes and the shadow of stubble on his chin. He looked more tired that he had the last time Remus had seen him about a fortnight ago, although he supposed that was expected given that he had a three-week-old son and was probably being kept up all night.
“Do you wanna sit?”
Remus motioned towards the end of the bed and James looked blankly at him for a moment before sitting, as though his brain was processing everything on a delay. He still didn’t speak again, and now Remus was getting antsy and nervous. The pain was feeling worse from where he’d tried to move and he couldn’t help the anxiety bubbling in his stomach.
“Mate what’s up? You’re making me nervous.” Remus asked, trying to hide the edge in his voice.
“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m just feeling, like lost or something. I feel like something’s wrong with me, like I’m going crazy.”
“Why, James?” Remus let his tone soften as much as he could.
“Everything’s just too much.” James confessed. “I know that probably doesn’t make sense.”
“No, trust me, it does. Is it certain things in particular?”
Remus studied James, the way he twiddled with his fingers in his lap and bit at his lip. He kept his eyes glued to his lap, not looking at Remus.
“I love Harry. I think maybe I even love him too much because I feel so... terrified. Like all the time. I’m scared when he cries, and I’m scared when he sleeps. I stay up to watch his chest move, and then get scared that if I stop watching, he’ll suddenly stop breathing.”
James stopped and took a breath, finally looking up so Remus could see the tears brimming in his eyes.
“Oh, mate.”
Remus didn’t even know what to say. He wasn’t a father and his own father had never been particularly paternal. He didn’t know the first thing about parenting, except maybe what not to do, as per all of the stories Sirius had told him over the years.
“I don’t expect advice, or you to know how to help me... I just needed to tell someone to be honest. I don’t want to freak Lily out. She’s been—Merlin, she’s bloody amazing. She’s perfect, she knows what to do and it’s like she’s a natural at being Harry’s mum. I don’t want her to think I’m useless or going to leave because I’m so scared.” James wiped a lone tear slipping down his face. “I would never leave, obviously.”
“She would never think that, James. And I know you wouldn’t. You love your family; you’re the most loyal guy I’ve ever met.”
“Thanks Remus.”
“And you’re right, I don’t know exactly how to help, but to be honest it sounds pretty normal to have feelings like that, I don’t think it makes you crazy. You love, and want to protect your son, and that makes you a great dad.”
Remus truly meant every word. He knew James, and knew from the day they found out Lily was pregnant that he would make an amazing father.
“I hope so. It just feel so... all-consuming.”
“We’re living in a hard time.”
James just nodded. Nobody really ever said it out loud, but every now and then Remus would be reminded they were living through a war, fighting in it, losing people to it. They’d all been stressed and petrified for months, years even. It would make sense that having a young baby to protect would make things even worse.
James was fighting for his son’s future.
“You should tell Lily. She’s not going to think you’re crazy.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“She’s probably feeling a lot of the same things. She’s just... she’s tougher than all of us. She always was at school too. Somehow, she knows how to just get through things without a fuss, and I bet she’s trying to do that now too.”
“She is stronger.” James agreed.
“Tell her, Prongs. She loves you.”
James nodded again and stopped fiddling with his hands. Remus moved a hand down to his hip and began massaging it subtly under the cover.
“Do you want some tea?” James asked, making Remus smile.
“I’m a terrible host, making you offer me tea in my own flat.”
James smiled back.
“Well, I gathered maybe you wanted to stay in bed.” James’ voice had a tinge of nervousness to it as he spoke, as though he wasn’t entirely sure he was saying the right thing.
“I don’t want to—” Remus was cut off by James.
“Oh, sorry I just thought...”
“I don’t want to, but I can’t get up. Moon’s tomorrow.”
“Oh, I see.” The nervousness finally left James’ voice.
“You don’t need to be nervous or whatever about talking about it, y’know. It’s fine. It doesn’t upset me.”
James nodded and smiled.
“So, you want tea?”
“I’d love one thanks.”
James slunk out of the room and into the kitchen next door and Remus heard the kettle flick on, smiling at the fact James was making it the Muggle way, rather than with magic. Remus let his head lean against the headboard, eyes closing still rubbing his warm palm against his hip and thigh, massaging out some of the pain.
Five minutes later and James reappeared in the doorway, with two mugs of tea and a plate of toast skilfully arranged in his hands.
“Thought you might be hungry too.”
“Thanks. You must’ve read my mind.”
It was cut in half diagonally, with raspberry jam on one side and lemon curd on the other, the way Remus always used to have it at Hogwarts. He felt such fondness swell in his chest at the fact James had remembered, which was quickly replaced by a feeling of sadness and loss at realising how much this fucking war had got in the way of what was meant to be the best times of their lives.
They barely got to see each other anymore. The marauders had been together as a group maybe five times in the last few months and Remus hated that. They’d lived together for seven years! He couldn’t wait until the war was over and he and Sirius would be able to visit James and Lily and Harry whenever they wanted and be able to go to the pub with Marlene and Peter and Mary. On nights when he couldn’t sleep, he let himself imagine those future days when everyone would be free to do as they like without being sent on life-threatening Order missions. The fantasies got him through.
He dug into the toast, realising he hadn’t eaten properly since breakfast the day before when he last felt able to stand.
“Is the pain bad?” James asked after a moment.
Remus hated that question. Not because he didn’t think james should be asking, but because he had no idea how to answer. Yes, it was bad but also, he’d felt worse. It was a fact that tomorrow, during the moon, the pain he felt now would multiply tenfold as his bones snapped and fused into new arrangements. It was also a fact that, to anyone else without lycanthropy, the pain he felt right now would be utterly debilitating, worse than anything they’d felt before. But Remus struggled to muster up the energy to explain anything like this and instead kept his answer simple.
“Kinda, but it could be worse.”
“You always say that.” James eyed him suspiciously.
“Maybe it’s always the truth.”
“Moony, I know I will never understand how you feel, but you can tell me, you don’t have to make it seem like it’s all okay.”
“I’m just used to it by now.” Remus lied. He would never be used to it. Fifteen years of transformations and every single one just seemed to get worse, every recovery period got longer, every joint seemed to take on an extra toll. He bit into his toast again and pushed down a small wave of nausea that washed over him.
“Really? You look like shit, mate.” James said and gave him a light-hearted wink, but Remus could tell he was genuinely intrigued about how he was.
“Oh cheers, you’re not looking too hot yourself.” Remus laughed.
“Oi. I’ve got a newborn at home, I don’t think I’ve slept more than an hour at a time and I don’t even remember the last time I stopped to look in a mirror.”
“Me neither and I don’t have a newborn.”
“So you have trouble sleeping?” James asked and Remus cursed himself for letting it slip. He’d always been good at hiding that, even during Hogwarts when they’d shared a room. Only Sirius knew. Remus had perfected wandless silencing charms in second year to make sure nobody heard him groan in pain or yell at a nightmare.
“A bit.”
“That sucks, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not every night, just the last two nights really. And ‘cause Sirius hasn’t been here I think it’s worse. I worry about him. Kinda like what you said about being terrified all the time. I get it too, but in a different way obviously.”
“Yeah.” James gave him a soft smile. “He’ll be back soon, I’m sure. What are you doing for the moon tomorrow, if he’s not back by then I mean.”
“I have plans in place.” Remus hated being so secretive, but he wasn’t meant to tell anyone about his missions infiltrating Greyback’s pack. He dreaded to think the state he was going to come home in, not all of the other wolves liked him much and he got more scratched up than when it was just Padfoot and the wolf.
“I see.” James nodded, clearly understanding that it was something Remus couldn’t share. “Well, I hope it goes okay.”
Remus went to say thank you but instead felt a second wave of nausea swell through him and he just about managed to motion to James to grab the bowl on the floor next to the bed before he was emptying his guts into it. He felt the weight on the mattress shift and James moved closer, supporting the bowl with one hand and using his other to rub firm circles on Remus’ shoulder.
“Fuck, sorry.” Remus muttered after a moment.
“Don’t be.”
James left the room quickly, returning a second later with a roll of toilet paper and handing Remus a few squares to wipe his face with. He felt himself heave again but knew there was nothing left to come up. He closed his eyes and let his head drop back onto the pillow with a groan, his throat stung and his lips felt dry and cracked.
James quietly picked up the bowl and Remus heard him opening cupboards in the kitchen. When he came back, he placed a clean bowl and a glass of water on the bedside and sat back down on Sirius’ side of the bed.
“I remember you throwing up maybe once or twice at Hogwarts but not often. Is that normal for you now?”
Remus could find the energy to lie and so he didn’t.
“Yeah. I should probably have known it was gonna happen if I ate the toast. Sorry you had to see.”
“Oh, mate, I sat with lily while she threw up all the bloody time in her first trimester. It doesn’t worry me at all, just wanna make sure you’re alright.”
Remus smiled slightly and nodded.
“Thanks, Prongs. Think I just need to try and sleep.”
“Okay. Well, thank you for your help... I’m gonna talk to Lily. It was good to talk to you again Moony, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed everyone.”
“Me too, so much.” Remus agreed, sadly.
“The war’s not gonna be forever. We’ll get back to normal.”
“I need that time to hurry up and arrive.”
“I know.” James smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Give a kiss to Lily and Harry from me, will you. Sirius and I will come round and see you guys soon, we’ll find a time and write.”
“Sounds good.”
James stood up from the bed and pulled the duvet over Remus, patting him on the shoulder.
“Love you, mate. If you need anything tomorrow just write— I’m always gonna be here for you.”
Remus felt like he might cry, Merlin how he’d missed James’ company. He really was one of the best friends, more like the brother he’d never had, really.
“Love you too James. You’ve got this whole dad thing under control I promise; there’s really nobody else more suited to the role. Harry’s a lucky kid.”
“See you.”
“Bye.” Remus replied.
James smiled again, this time more genuinely. He made his way to the bedroom door and slipped outside into the hall. Remus listened as he put his shoes back on and left the flat, the wards around the flat going ever so slightly fuzzy as James passed through them.
Remus didn’t know then that that day in late August would be one of the last times he would ever see James.