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There’s something quite soothing about having people in your corner. Having people who knew and accepted you down to your core, with love and without judgement, knowing the real you.
Shane was not your typical seventeen-year-old. He was slightly neurotic and oddly particular. He struggled with mild anxiety that was usually helped by routine and trying to maintain control over certain aspects of his life. He was not the best at reading social cues, and that meant he couldn’t always tell what people meant when they would say one thing but mean the other. All this boiled down to him not being able to make friends as easily as others, at least not without some effort.
Despite all this, he was agonizingly self-aware, even as a teenager. He did not fall prey to self-recrimination, which he attributed to having the kind of parents he had, his rock-of-Gibraltar-level support system. He knew many teens were not as close to their parents as he was to his. But that was because many teenagers did not have parents as cool and fun as his.
Shane’s father, David, was a calm, sturdy force with steady composure and awful dad jokes, but you couldn’t help but love him. He was the anchor of the family. He always knew when you needed what and was always willing to do whatever he needed to make sure you got it. He was the epitome of chill.
Yuna, on the other hand, Shane’s mother, was the planner and organizer of his life. She made sure he always understood situations around him, always ensured he had the best opportunities when it came to his hockey, and made sure that no one took advantage of him. She was a force to be reckoned with, feared by those who stood in her or her son’s way. Many of his teammates and coaches have said how intimidating Yuna could be. But to Shane, she was just his mom and his first ever best friend.
Because Shane did not always read well, the world around him, he had grown to rely on his mother as a translator of sorts. If someone said something at school that he did not totally understand, he would go home and talk it over with his mom or even both his parents, and they would explain it in a way that he understood and would retain. They would even go as far as present other scenarios to provide further context, and this way, he would be able to apply what he learned in other situations. All in all, Shane had a really good relationship with his parents. They were open and honest with each other as much as they could be.
It was because of the honesty and openness of their relationship that Shane found himself sitting on the floor of his parents’ hotel room, fighting to breathe as they tried to talk him through his panic.
“Breathe Shane, like me.” Yuna placed Shane’s hand on her chest and took a big breath in before releasing it slowly, watching as Shane mimicked her. David rubbed small circles across his back, which always helped to ground him.
“That's it, Shane. Breathe. You're okay,” his mother cooed.
Shane followed her breathing, steadily feeling calmer by the second. He suffered from bouts of panic attacks, more so when he was younger, but as the years went on and his confidence and self-awareness grew, they became less frequent.
Shane slowly got off the floor with his father's help. He doesn't know what he would have done if they hadn't found him and taken him back to their hotel when he called. He's so happy they came a few days early for the finals of the World Juniors.
His mother gave him a bottle of water, and he sipped it slowly.
“Hey son, do you mind telling us what brought this on?” his father asked.
“I have to break up with Jessica,” Shane answered.
He saw the confused looks on their faces. Jessica was his high school girlfriend, and they had been dating for almost two years.
Shane tried to work up the courage to explain himself. He never lied to his parents, at least not about the important stuff. His mother was his closest friend to whom he told almost everything, and she always listened without judgement and always knew the correct things to say.
“What brought this on, Shane? Did something happen?” His mother asked.
Shane took a deep breath, slid to the top of the bed, and put his back against the headboard. His father settled beside him and placed his hand across Shane's shoulder, pulling him closer. His mother sat near his outstretched feet with her hand on his ankle.
Shane began. “I was at the rink for practice earlier today, as you know. The Russian team had wrapped up their practice and were on their way out. You know the guy they keep comparing me to? Ilya Rozanov? I saw him walk towards the alley behind the rink, and I had a few minutes before I had to change into my gears, so I decided to go say hi, y'know, just to introduce myself.” Shane took a deep, settling breath.
“Take your time honey. Whenever you're ready.” His mother said soothingly.
His father rubbed his shoulder back and forth in a gentle, calming rhythm.
Shane continued. “I went up to him, introduced myself, and shook his hand, told him he was an awesome player to watch.”
“Oh that was nice of you sweetheart. What was he like?” Yuna asked.
“Oh, kind of a dick actually. He said ‘you will not be so nice when we beat you.’” Shane laughed.
“What an asshole,” Yuna exclaimed.
“Yeah, I guess he was. He was trying to smoke under a no-smoking sign, and I told him he shouldn't smoke there…didn't barely acknowledged me, just say 'okay'. But we shook hands twice,” Shane explained.
He paused, trying to collect himself and say the words that were lingering at the back of his tongue.
“Okay…I get that. But what does any of this have to do with Jessica? Did something happen after training? Did you and her fight?”
“No. Um, I realized something. I—I—I think…” Shane got off the bed and started pacing the small hotel room.
“Mom, I think there might be something wrong with me. I think I like guys. Like I think I like men. I think I might be gay,” Shane rushed out, stopping abruptly in the middle of the room, eyes wide with fright.
His parents, both looking at him now, were in a state of shock, and reasonably so. His mom recovered first.
“Oh love, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you,” Yuna assured Shane as she stood up and hugged him. “You are allowed to like who you like. Doesn't mean something is wrong with you.”
“She's right, Shane,” his dad said. “You are perfect just the way you are. Nothing you do will ever change how we see you, we just want you to be happy. As long as you are happy, or the person you choose makes you happy, then I don't see how anything about that could be wrong.”
“What he said,” Yuna added, pointing her thumb towards David.
Then his dad, scrunching his brows, said, “How did you come to the conclusion, though?”
Yuna snorted, and both Shane and David turned to look at her.
Then she laughed loudly, bending at the waist, while both Shane and David looked on, face marred with confusion.
After getting herself under control, she said, “Isn't it obvious? Ilya Rozanov is Shane’s gay awakening.”
Then they all doubled over in laughter.
“Guys, this is serious.” Shane said, sitting back on the bed while everyone composed themselves. “I can't be gay in hockey. No one is gay in hockey.”
“Is this the first time you've noticed a guy?” David asked.
“I think so. I mean, I could tell if a guy was objectively attractive but in a way where I wouldn’t dwell on it.”
“So what was different about this time? This is a safe space. No judgements. You'll be eighteen soon. And I know you and Jessica have probably–,”
“Oh my god, Mom,” Shane covered his face.
“None of that Shane. I have been washing those bedsheets and boxers all your life. Especially since you hit fourteen? Well...”
“Jesus Yuna! Let the man keep some of his dignity,” David admonished.
Shane lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. Despite everything, he felt safe.
“I mean, it could have been worse, based on what I hear other moms describe. Shane is very considerate. He just didn't always get it all, I guess.”
“Mom, seriously, stop. You're being gross.”
“Oh? I'm the gross one?” she laughed. “Okay honey, let's get real. I only pointed those out so you know your dad and I are comfortable with this discussion. Tell us how you realized this.”
Shane sighed then explained. “You're right. Jess and I have done…stuff. Don't worry, we were always safe. Before Jess, I had kissed a girl or two, right? But it always felt so robotic, like, just knowing what was expected and doing it. Then with Jess, it became a bit more enjoyable because I liked her a lot and I was comfortable with her. I liked her touching me and kissing felt nice, and she was my friend, so I felt like she saw me, but—and it pains me to say this—it sometimes felt like a chore, like I was doing it for her because that was expected as a boyfriend.
Not because I wanted to. A lot of times, she initiated, I didn't have to drive to. And I thought I was broken. Like with my other quirks, I just thought that I felt things differently than other people. Then today, when I shook Rozanov's hand, I felt like a surge of electricity went through me. I couldn't stop staring at his lips, and I felt…I don’t know? Desire?
The kind I don't feel in order to make a move on Jess. That's why I shook his hand twice because I wanted him to touch me again. It felt like it all made sense, like I finally understood myself so much in that short moment than I have ever did, in all my life. I was so distracted during practice because I couldn't get his face out of my mind. My body felt so…so alive. And the desire…Jesus…it was maddening. What am I gonna do Mom? Why did this have to happen now?”
Yuna pulled Shane towards her, and he placed his head in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair.
“Well, what you are not going to do is let him win in the finals, because I know it will come down to Canada and Russia. Also, I think it's good that you found out now. Especially today when both your dad and I are here to help you come to terms with something this important about your sexuality. So that we can assure you from the get go that we will support you and have your back.”
“Your mother is right, son. And I get it. I played hockey. I know the culture is shit. So whatever you need, however you want us to approach this, we will follow your lead. You don't need to figure it all out today.The important thing is that we are honest with each other.”
“I need some time to think. We can talk more after the finals. I need to focus. I especially need to get back to my room; don't wanna break curfew.”
“We will walk you over. We got your back Shane. Forever and always. Now it's time for you to get some rest. You need to be at your best. Got a man to impress and all.” She teased and winked.
“You're the worst mom.”
They laughed.