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Everything felt fuzzy. It was like the air itself was static.
Seishiro Nagi laid down on the floor of his small room. It felt cool underneath him. It was all he could find himself feeling through his skin.
His gray eyes stared up at the dark ceiling where the fan was spinning overhead, lightly ruffling his white hair. He shut his eyes for a moment, letting the coolness sweep over him. He never thought the wind could feel this nice.
It’s the nicest thing I’ve felt in a while…
He opened his eyes again and gazed at the ceiling once more. Despite the cool floor and fan whirring overhead, everything in the dark room felt distant. It was like he was nowhere and somewhere at the same time. His arms and legs felt numb and tired as they sprawled on the floor beneath him. He felt too tired to move them.
God… when was the last time I got up?
I can’t remember.
Nagi tilted his head slightly to look at the phone beside his hand facing up. He let his eyes wander to the light of it as the clock showed the time.
12:03 PM
Nagi sighed. He felt hungry. He felt thirsty. He felt bored. He’d been lying down on the floor like this for God knows how long, drifting in and out of sleep, missing the many hours go by, and surviving on the occasional sip of water he had in his water bottle beside him, and a few packs of jellies that he kept in his nightstand drawer in case he was too tired to go to the fridge, which in this case he was.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened. In fact, it happened so often that Nagi couldn’t keep count of all these episodes. Episodes that lasted weeks at a time where he felt like he was floating in the world with no purpose. He felt empty. His limbs felt lifeless, like having them doing anything was too tiresome. Everything felt dark yet too bright at the same time. His mind would feel fuzzy constantly, and he had no idea how he managed conversations with his classmates when he couldn’t even think straight for himself.
Nagi’s belly rumbled again. He felt so hungry. He turned his head to his nightstand again and reached out his weak arm, which felt so much heavier than it usually did, and opened the lowest drawer. He rummaged inside it with his hand, only to find nothing but empty jelly packets.
Ah, damn. I ran out of stock. Guess I’ll wait for Barou to come over.
He rolled over and groaned at the effort it took to move himself. He rolled onto his side and stared at the phone beside him. The phone screen lit up with a new message:
Barou:Don’t do a damn thing, hassle man. I’m almost there.
Nagi’s lips turned up in the slightest smile he had in years. Even when Barou was serious, he still called him a hassle. He couldn't exactly blame the king. He indeed was a dead weight to everybody around him, even his parents.
He couldn’t help but feel that it was the reason Barou had left.
Nagi remembered when Barou told him he would be flying to Italy to improve his soccer training next year, and that he would be gone for a long time. Nagi did the usual thing and annoyed him, which made Barou flip him off, but he truly was happy for his friend. Barou had found his goal in life, to be a soccer king, and he knew exactly what to do with that dream.
But at the same time, Nagi had a bitter feeling of envy grow in his heart.
Because he was still figuring things out. He was still stuck here in this hell hole of his dark mind, struggling to even get up because he was so tired.
Nagi was tired. He was tired of Barou leaving to be a better person. He was tired of going to school, tired of eating, tired of scrolling, tired of everything.
It had been a year since Barou left for Italy to pursue his dream. A year where, while Barou was filling his heart and life with ambition, hard work and passion, Nagi was drowning in the sea of his own mind, in utter silence. Nagi hadn’t spoken to anyone, not even Reo, who was his only other friend until he had moved away too for some rich Mikage business.
Nagi wanted that. He wanted ambition. He wanted a life goal. He wanted a purpose. He wanted to feel alive for once, and it frustrated him to no end when his body couldn’t even get up, let alone achieve big dreams.
But God, he wanted it so badly.
It had been a year since Nagi went to school, played a video game, read manga, or even talked to Choki. He did the bare minimum of watering Choki when he could, but that was only on a better day, which was getting rarer.
Nagi felt heavy yet weightless, like everything was more important and worthy of attention except him. He felt lazy. He felt useless. He felt like no matter where he went or what he did, he wouldn’t go anywhere. He would just be stuck here in this dark filthy apartment with nothing but him and his ever increasing void of guilt and shame.
He was so tired.
God, he was so tired.
……………………………………
Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to call Barou.
Nagi thought as Barou stormed into his small apartment. His hair was down, not usually styled in a crown-like shape like how it usually was styled. He carried a duffel bag and suitcase, and looked out of breath and frustrated, like he was in a rush.
Nagi tiredly tilted his head to look at Barou at the door.
“You didn’t have to hurry, y’know…”
Nagi hadn’t heard his voice in so long. It sounded hoarse, hollow and weak.
Barou’s red eyes widened as his gaze swept over the state of the room. Empty jelly packets and old clothes were strewn everywhere. An empty pizza box lay rotting in the corner, and the bed was half-made, still messy and unorganized.
For a moment, Barou was speechless. Nagi had never seen him shocked at anything before. Barou always seemed so sturdy and certain of everything, like he knew exactly what to expect at any moment and came prepared for it, like a true king.
This shock however convinced Nagi that he was indeed a rare burden that not even his parents wanted to keep.
Finally, Barou spoke.
“What. the HELL. Happened here??” He snapped. “Have you been living in this pigsty for weeks??”
“Months…” Nagi muttered. “I think a year. It’s not that bad though, is it…?”
“Are you INSANE?!” Barou bristled, dropping his duffel bag to the floor and closing the door. “This place is filthy! Everything is everywhere! And you look sick as hell!”
“Thanks…” Nagi muttered sarcastically, though his gaze seemed less humorous and more numb.
Barou glared at him. “I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe this.” He ran his large hands through his hair and grumbled. “You’ve been like this for a YEAR?!”
“Mmm…” Nagi hummed in response.
Barou widened his eyes. “Since I left?!”
Nagi nodded numbly. “Mm, not right away. Maybe… a month later. Dunno.”
“What?!” Barou snapped. He sounded angry, whether to himself or Nagi, he was not sure.
Nagi thought Barou was most certainly angry at him.