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There is one person i can't stand to look at, and that person is Ryan Evans. I don't understand why, but just by looking at him i get this weird feeling in my stomach— and i don't like it. At all.
Ryan is gay, like, openly gay. So the only answer that make sense to this rejection i feel is that i might be homophobic, and i don't like that answer either.
Because, i don't hate gay people, i think everyone should be able to be with whomever they want to be, but there is something about Ryan Evans that makes me want to peel the skin of my face.
I hate how he's always smiling, and how he's nice to everyone, i hate to see how much he enjoys doing those little music numbers with Sharpay, his sister. I hate the fact that he is... perfect. There is not one single bad thing i could say about him, and thats what i hate the most
That and how stupid i get whenever i catch him looking at me. How i forget how to talk when we lock eyes across the cafeteria, and, the fact that every time he tries to talk to me, i get all mean and stuff. I don't get it, and that pisses me off too.
I hate how i don't have control over this situation. During the last years of school, i was able to simply ignore this whole thing. But lately, he's all i think about.
.....
Im sitting next to Troy in the bleachers on the school gym, waiting for our basketball practice to start. I kept thinking about this whole situation, i don't wanna be homobophic, but i can't help it, he pisses me off and—
"Yo, Chad, what's on your mind? you've been staring at the court this whole time..." Troy asked me.
"Man" i scoffed "i think im homophobic"
Troy looked at me, dumbfounded, then laughs.
"What?" he asked again, still chuckling from before.
"I think im homophobic— but its weird, i don't hate gay people but—"
"If you don't hate gay people then you're not homophobic Chad" Troy interrupts me, with that face he makes when he thinks he's saying the most obvious thing in the world.
"Let me finish... and stop laughing, im serious" I put my hands on my knees before talking again "i know what homophobia is, genius. But i don't find any other way to explain how i feel, you know?"
"Dude, im gonna need you to be more specific" He is still giggling, but at least he's making the effort to sound serious.
"It's Ryan, ok? every time i look at him i feel something weird, my chest gets tight and i feel like i might throw up—"
"Who? Evans?" mr.giggles interrupts me *again*.
"Yes, Evans." I say annoyed "Let me finish. He pisses me off so much and i don't really understand why. He's nice, talented, cute— like, there is nothing wrong about him for me to be annoyed by him... thats why i think im homophobic" i rubbed my eyes, im distressed by this.
Troy burst off laughing again, now he's pissing me off.
"Why are you laughing?"
"For me, that sounds more like a crush" my face dropped completely. A crush? what's wrong with him?
"I don't have a crush on Ryan" i said immediately "Im literally telling you how i get annoyed by just looking at him"
"I think that you're confusing annoyed with flustered. If he really bothered you, you wouldn't think so nicely about him"
"I... no, i don't have a crush on him" i repeated "I hate him, i hate how im always thinking about him, i hate him because just by looking at me i forget how to breath and how to talk and how to function—"
"You don't hate him, you hate the effect he has on you. And you hate that you can't control that effect" He cuts me out again, this time he wasn't chuckling, maybe he sensed that i'm deadass... "I didn't know you were gay"
"man... i didn't knew either" i said with a sigh