Chapter Text
YUJI ITADORI'S POV
It’s a bad habit that Yuji had developed. He’d never thought he would be the one doing this. But here he was, sitting on the floor of his room with a razor to his wrist and a med kit sitting next to him in the middle of the night. He hadn’t been doing this a long time. Only a month so far. But this wasn't a new habit. He hated himself for it. He was supposed to be strong for everyone else.
The first time he had cut himself. It wasn't long after Shibuya. He had felt so much guilt for everything. And being isolated from all his friends afterwards didn't help. Choso was the one who had discovered his self destructive actions. He helped Yuji quit.
But now, all these years later, the habit had returned. He didn’t intended for this to be a regular occurrence when he started again. But so much had happened since then. And Choso wasn't here anymore. So after a particularly vivid nightmare one night, he couldn't resist.
It had been a month since he started. And now, he did it multiple times a week. He was careful not to get blood anywhere he couldn’t clean up. He mostly wore hoodies, So hiding them wasn’t a problem. But it being summer didn’t exacly make things comfortable for him. Yuji’s arm looked horiffic. Cuts of varying sizes and depths littered his forearm. And his other arm didn't look much better.
After he was satisfied, he put the razor down and took a breath. Now he needed to get rid of the evidence. He and Megumi lived in the same apartment now. It was cheaper that way. And though neither of them ever said it, they both felt safer when they were near each other. He couldn't risk him finding out. What would he think of him? He'd probably hate him.
He soaked up the blood with a wash cloth until it wasn’t covering every part of his arm. Once he was done, he wraped his wounds and did his best to clean the floor and razor. He put the bandage’s and razors back under his bed and threw the wash cloth in his trash can before covering it with more garbage. He then rolled into bed and sighed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. But he could at least rest his body. His arms are still sore, but the pain is distant. His mind is somewhere else.
He’s brought back to reality when he hears a quiet knock on his door. It's Megumi. But what was he doing at his door this late? Yuji panics and rushes to grab a hoodie, nearly knocking his trash can down with the motion. He quickly pulls it over his head and walks to the door. With a nervous breath, Yuji turns the handle. Megumi stands there looking at him. He looks tired.
“Do you need something?”
Megumi didn’t respond at first. He seemed a little nervous.
“Mind if I come in?”
“No, but, shouldn't you be asleep?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
He stated as he steped inside.
“Oh.”
Both Yuji and Megumi had been struggling with nightmares for a few years now. They've become less frequent as time passes. But every once in a while, they'd still wake up in a cold sweat. The only reason Yuji knew Megumi had nightmares too was because he found him having a panic attack in his room.
“Do you… wanna talk about it?”
Yuji seemed unsure. Megumi was never that open with his feelings. He much preferred to deal with his problems alone. Yuji was much the same nowadays. But he still wanted to help him.
“Not really.”
Megumi said flatly. They both stood in silence for longer then necessary. The air between them was thick. Yuji was the first one to brake the silence.
“Do you wanna sit down?”
He asks, gesturing to his bed while walking over to it and sitting near the pillows. Megumi follows and sits beside him. They don’t say anything to each other. Yuji doesn’t understand why he even wants to be here with him at all.
“Sorry if I woke you.”
Megumi says quieter then his normal speeking volume.
“No, it's fine, I was already awake.”
Megumi hums in acknowledgement. He’s looking at the floor.
They don't speek for a while. Yuji’s getting slightly restless.
“Didn't know you slept with a hoodie on. Seems like It would get hot.”
Shit. Why did he have to bring it up? He wore hoodies often, but he never used to wear them while sleeping before. Certainly not during the summer. He had hoped no one would notice.
“N-No, It's not hot…. I just… like wearing them.”
He could feel Megumi’s gaze. And it seemed luck wasn't on his side. Cause Megumi wasn’t going to drop the subject any time soon.
“I've never seen you sleep in one before.”
“I just got cold. T-That’s all.”
He hopes that would be enough to make Megumi stop asking questions. But the slight weaver in his voice isn't helping him.
“Really? Cause it’s kind of warm in here. I can only imagine what it's like in a hood-”
“Why does it matter what I wear to sleep?!”
Yuji slightly shouts. He feels fear slowly swallowing his entire body. Megumi sighs.
“Whatever.”
They don’t talk. Or make eye contact. Yuji can’t tell what Megumi is thinking and that scares him. What if he finds out? The tension in the room proves to be too much for him.
“I’m gonna go get some water.”
He states as he hurriedly stands up and makes his way to the door. He’s not thirsty. He just wants an excuse to leave the room. When he reaches the doorway, he turns his head towards Megumi.
“Do you want anything?”
Yuji asks, just to be nice.
“No thanks, I’m good.”
So he leaves. He still feels panic in his chest. He really hopes Megumi won’t ask anymore questions. He doesn't get water. He just needed a few minutes away. A part of him doesn’t wanna go back. Megumi asking all those questions hit too close to the truth. It was uncomfortable for Yuji. But he can’t exacly leave Megumi alone. He obviously went to Yuji for comfort. Even if for him that just ment being around him. So not going back wasn’t an option.
So reluctantly, he walked down the hallway and back to his room. Unfortunately for him, his night was only going to get worse. His heart dropped when he entered the doorway and saw Megumi still sitting on his bed, holding the bloodied wash cloth from earlier. Megumi looked up at him, his expression blank. No… No. No. How did he find that? Yuji thinks. When he was rushing to put his hoodie on he must have bumped the trash can and made the wash cloth visible.
“I-I… Fushiguro I-”
But he's inturupted before he can defend himself.
“Come here.”
He's never heard Megumi sound like this before. Yuji still couldn’t tell what Megumi was thinking. Was he mad? Did he hate him now? He slowly took a step forward. And then another. Maybe Megumi didn’t know what it was from? Maybe he could lie and say it was from an old mission.
“You’ve got one chance to explain what this is before I start assuming the worst”
He says, holding up the bloodied cloth. Yuji struggled to come up with an explenation.
“I- umm… I got hurt, on a mission one time and… I-I used that to-”
“Bullshit.”
He’s inurupted again. Megumi raises his voice. It makes Yuji flinch.
“You and I know damm well this isn’t from an old wound.”
“Fushiguro I-”
“Are you hurt now?”
Megumi stands up and despite the miniscule height difference, Yuji feels much smaller standing in front of him. He can’t get out of this.
“I-I…”
Yuji’s body goes rigid when Megumi speaks again.
“Show me your arms.”
It's over. He was going to find out. He couldn't hide it anymore.
“W-What… no I-”
“I’m not messing around Itadori. Show me where you’re hurt.”
Dammit. He really didn’t want anyone to find out. He felt tears begin to sting his eyes. He couldn’t move. And he saw Megumi’s expression soften.
“Itadori… Please just tell me if you’re hurt. I want to help you, but I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s wrong. I won’t be mad. I promise.”
Quiet takes over again as they both just stand in the room. There’s no getting out of this. There’s no running away. He’s been caught.
“I… I did something bad…”
His heart is pounding. He can't even look Megumi in the eyes.
“You can tell me.”
“I-”
But he can’t speak. The words catch in his throat.
“Please…”
Megumi sounds… Almost sad. So in defeat, he slowly rolls one of his sleeves up, preparing for the worst. To be yelled at or mocked. Or for Megumi to leave him alone. There’s the smallest amount of blood seeping through the bandages. He just stares down at the floor in shame. He doesn’t want to see his reaction. He hears Megumi let out a small unsteady breath. The sound terrifies him.
“I-I'm sorry…”
His voice breaks. And he feels tears flood his eyes. But he manages to hold them back.
“I'm s-sorry-”
“Do you have a first aid kit in here?”
Megumi doesn’t sound angry anymore. But Yuji still isn’t sure. He nods.
“Where is it?”
Yuji motions to under his bed, knowing the box of razors he keeps will be discovered too. But Megumi already knows he’s hurt, there’s no point in hiding what he used to make the wounds.
Megumi kneels down to search for the first aid kit. He finds it, along with a box of razors that were clearly used. He pauses before pulling both of the boxes out and placing them on the foot of Yuji’s bed. Megumi stands up before giving a command.
“Sit down.”
Yuji complies and slowly sits on the bed, scooting back to sit with his back against the headboard. Megumi follows and sits in front of him. He brings the first aid kit next to them and starts rummaging through it. He pulls out disinfectant, more washcloths, and fresh bandages before signaling for Yuji to give him his arm. He gives in and Megumi places a clean washcloth underneath Yuji’s arm so blood doesn’t stain the sheets. He then begins unwrapping the bloodied bandages. The cuts are deeper then some of the other ones Yuji’s made before. And blood is still seeping out of some of them.
“I'm gonna ask you some questions, and I need you to answer honestly.”
He doesn't want to talk about it. That's the last thing he wants to do. But he feels like he's backed into a corner. and he figures he owes him. Megumi’s saved his life countless times.
“Okay…”
“Thank you.”
Why is he thanking him? He should be yelling at him. Megumi continues taking the bandage off of yuji’s arm.
“When did you do this?”
For a second, Yuji doesn’t say anything. But he swallows and takes a deep breath before whispering.
“Earlier… before you got here.”
Megumi doesn't respond to that. But Yuji can tell that he heard him. His arm continues to be worked on as they both sit in silence.
“They don't look like they need stitches. But they're still pretty deep.”
Yuji made sure to never go too far. He needed to make sure the cuts weren't noticeable. Yuji was on the verge of tears. Megumi was still cleaning up his mess. Everyone always does. People always end up suffering because of him.
When Megumi finishes taking the bandages off. He just stares. He looks sad. It makes Yuji’s heart hurt.
“How long have you been doing this?”
Yuji takes a shaky breath before answering.
“About a month.”
Megumi never found out that he had been cutting himself all those years ago. The only person to know was Choso. And he didn't tell anyone else to respect Yuji's wishes. Megumi Just hums in response.
He then begins cleaning the cuts, causing Yuji to wince.
“I'm sorry. There's not much I can do about the pain.”
He's much gentler now. Yuji feels closer and closer to crying as time passes. This is Yuji’s problem, so why is Megumi cleaning it up? He feels like a burden. Even when he’s hurting himself, he can’t help but hurt others too. Megumi’s voice then interrupts his thoughts.
“Hey, I’m not mad, okay? I’m glad I found out. Knowing you, you wouldn’t have told anyone.”
He didn't deserve this. Megumi should be furious at him. Everyone should be. But they aren't. And even if he didn’t want to admit it. Megumi was right. Yuji was never planning on telling anyone about this. The silence returns for a minute before the questions continue.
“What made you do this?
That was a difficult question. It was a lot of things that led to this self-destructive behavior. But everything always seemed to lead back to… him. Sukuna. The first time he ever cut himself was a few weeks after Shibuya. He had a pretty bad nightmare about him. About losing control of his body and killing all those people. About all his wounds healing afterwards like nothing happened. It was awful. Because it happened. And tonight, the nightmare wasn’t much different.
“I had a nightmare. About… Him…”
He didn’t need to say his name for Megumi to know who he was talking about. Sukuna. Yuji continues.
“I killed so many people. And… after, you all still treated me like I was normal… like I was still human. I hated it. I still do.”
Megumi was looking up at him now. But Yuji was still avoiding eye contact.
“None of you were angry at me.”
“Of course we weren’t. What Sukuna did in your body wasn’t in your control.”
“But if I was stronger-”
“No. There was nothing you could’ve done. Your strength had nothing to do with that.”
They were looking each other in the eyes now. Megumi looked serious. He always did but this time was different. His eyes had a small hint of sadness. It made Yuji feel even more guilty. He looked back down, too scared to look Megumi in the eyes again. Megumi finished cleaning the wound and started to rebandage it. Yuji continued talking.
“I felt like… I needed to punish myself. And… this was the only way I knew how…”
Megumi continued wrapping Yuji’s arm.
“I still feel like that…”
Megumi kept silent. Maybe he finally got tired of him and just wanted to leave.
“I’m sorry Fushiguro…”
“Don’t apologize.”
Once the bandage was wrapped, he let Yuji have his arm back.
“Are you hurt anywhere else?”
Yuji shakes his head. But the look on Megumi’s face tells him that he doesn’t believe him. And that’s confirmed when he speaks.
“Are you lying?”
Before he could convince himself otherwise, Yuji reaches under his hoodie and slides it over his head. He wasn’t lying, really. There weren’t any more fresh cuts anywhere else. But there were scars covering both his arms. He knew that it looked bad. He could see it on Megumi’s face. But he still didn’t say anything. He just quietly packed up the med kit and placed it on the floor along with the box of razors, not bothering to push them back under the bed.
Guilt and shame flood Yuji’s whole body. He’s seen Megumi scared before, but this felt different. He’s gotten used to keeping his arms covered. He can’t help but feel exposed. He lowers his eyes when Megumi looks back at him. Again, they’re both quiet. He can practically feel Megumi’s eyes tracing each cut on his arms. He almost flinches away when his unbandaged arm is grabbed. Megumi holds it gently, thumb tracing each scar. He looks so conflicted. His brow is furrowed and his eyes hold a sadness he hasn’t seen in Megumi in a long time.
“Itadori…”
The name pulls him back from his thoughts. It sounds almost pained.
“I need you to promise to never do this again.”
Dread filled every corner of Yuji’s body. This is the only way he can live with himself. If he wasn’t feeling pain, then justice wasn’t being served. None of those people deserved to have their lives striped away. So he didn’t deserve to be happy. He looked down, trying to avoid eye contact.
“Fushiguro...”
“Itadori, please. I don’t want you hurting yourself like this anymore.”
“But… how will I make up for what I’ve done…”
He feels Megumi tense up.
“You don’t have to make up for anything. You’re not a hero. The lives of other people aren’t your responsibility.”
“But they are! I’m a murderer… I ‘m the reason all those people are dead! It’s my fault everything happened the way it did!
Yuji raises his voice. Tears finally break free from his eyes.
“Nothing that happened was your fault! Why can’t you understand that-”
“I’m the reason Sukuna got to you!”
Megumi flinches, but he doesn’t let go of Yuji’s hand. Yuji is quietly sobbing now. His body is shaking and he can feel Megumi staring at him.
“I’m the reason Gojo’s dead…”
“Itadori-”
“I was the one who ate the finger.”
“Itadori-!”
“The only reason Sukuna was able to do all of that was because of me-!”
“STOP!”
Megumi shouts. It causes Yuji to freeze. Tears are still falling down his face. He hasn’t even realized he’s curled in on himself. His body is shaking with each rushed breath he takes. With a quiet sob, he speaks.
“You should have let me die…”
Yuji continues quietly sobbing. Megumi is silent. But only for a moment. Yuji hears Megumi’s voice quietly whisper.
“Yuji.”
He looks up in surprise at the name. Magumi’s eyes look glossy. But Yuji can’t tell if it's real through his own tears.
“Would you tell me… if you were planning on killing yourself?”
Megumi hesitates before saying the last part. And Yuji can swear he hears his voice break a little.
“W-What…”
He’s shocked when Megumi’s hands land on his shoulders. He’s forced to look the other in the eyes. He can see tears.
“I need you to promise me that you won’t.”
Did he want to kill himself? He’s thought about it, sure. He's wondered what life would be like without him. What everyone would do if he died. He wondered if everyone would be happier if he was dead. But he would never actually do it. Megumi’s hands slide up his neck and to his cheeks. Megumi’s hands shake as they wipe away his tears.
“Are you already planning something?”
Does Megumi think he’s going to kill himself? Is that why he’s so scared? Yuji’s too caught up in his head to respond. He can see the fear in Megumi’s face as his eyes lock onto his, in search of some kind of answer. Megumi’s voice cuts through urgently.
“Yuji please-!”
“I’m not! I-I’m not planning anything… I swear…”
He sees Megumi physically calm down. But he’s still shaking and crying. Yuji takes Megumi’s hands off his face and holds them between both of their chests. They’re sitting closer then they were before.
“You really think you’d be better off dead…?”
He doesn’t say it like a question. He says it like a fact. Yuji pauses before answering.
“Everyone else would be…”
The air is still. Both of them have frozen. Yuji prepares for the worst. But his heart shatters when he hears Megumi choke out a sob before leaning over and hugging him. For a second he doesn’t hug back, arms hanging limply at his sides. But when Megumi squeezes tightly, he breaks and sobs even harder into Megumi's shoulder, clutching onto him.
“I-I'm s-sorry… I'm so s-sorry”
Megumi starts rubbing Yuji's back with his hand.
“It's okay…”
“It ju-just h-hurts…”
“I know…”
They stay like that for a while. Yuji sobbing while a few silent tears fall on his shoulder. When Megumi pulls away, he holds Yuji firmly. Yuji can clearly see the tears falling down his face. He never thought he'd see this.
“Yuji, please… Please promise that you'll stay with me… with everyone… I can't lose you…”
The words stick in Yuji’s mind.
stay with me…
I can’t lose you…
It all feels so undeserving. But if Megumi really wants him to live this much, he can’t die yet. Yuji takes a second to catch his breath. He's still crying.
“I promise...”
Megumi visibly relaxes at those words.
“Thank you…”
They go back to hugging. Neither of them wants to let go. Right now, Megumi is the only thing keeping Yuji together. When the two of them calm down, It's only a few hours till morning. Yuji's now just laying his head on Megumi’s shoulder. His arms wrapped weakly around Megumi’s body. He's tired.
Megumi tries to pull away, causing Yuji to hold on tighter. He doesn't wanna let go yet.
“I need to throw the razors away. I don't want them in your room.”
Yuji squeezes tighter before reluctantly letting him go and watches as Megumi slides the med kit back under the bed and gets up to take the razors. But before he could get far, Yuji grabs his shirt to stop him.
“Wait! Please d-don't go. You can throw them tomorrow. Just… please stay with me…”
Yuji doesn’t want to seem desperate. He knows he doesn't deserve this kindness. But at the same time, he can’t help but want it. He watches as Megumi thinks it over. He sighs.
“Fine, but I'm throwing them tomorrow.”
He walks away to place the box of razors on Yuji's desk. The momentary separation makes Yuji start to panic. But his heart settles back down when Megumi walks back to the bed and gently guides him to lay down before taking his place next to him.
“I'm not leaving you alone. But you need to get some rest. I'm sure you're tired.”
“Aren't you tired too?”
“I am, that's why we're going to sleep.”
He reaches up and wipes the tears on Yuji's cheeks. They're both laying on their sides facing each other.
“Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner.”
“Please don't blame yourself… It’s not your fault.”
“It's not yours either.”
Megumi’s wrong. All of this is his fault. If he had been stronger, none of this would have happened. Gojo would be alive, Choso would be alive, Sukuna wouldn't have gotten Megumi. All of it was his burden to carry.
"I don't want you doing this again Yuji.”
“But-"
“No.”
Megumi’s firm with his words.
"I don't want you cutting yourself anymore.”
Yuji knows he can't argue back. He's too tired to. And Megumi won't accept it. So, he stays quiet.
“If you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself, please tell me. Or even if you just need to talk to someone. Or if you don’t wanna be alone”
Yuji doesn’t know if he can agree. He doesn't wanna be a burden.
"I… I don't wanna bother you…”
Megumi’s grabs his hand and brings it to his chest. Yuji feels blush creep across his face.
“You could never bother me. Just please promise that you'll talk to me.”
He thinks about it. He doesn’t wanna make Megumi sad. So if it's something that he really wants, then he can agree.
"Okay, I promise.”
“Thank you… Yuji.”
Megumi relaxes. He isn't used to him calling him by his first name. But he likes it. His mind replays everything they had said to each other. He had told Megumi that he only started a few months ago. He didn’t mention the first time.
“Fushiguro…”
Yuji hesitates. Should he tell him? Does it even matter?
“What is it?”
Yuji opens his mouth to speak but cuts himself off before any words can escape.
“What’s wrong?”
He owes it to him.
“The first time I did it wasn't long after Shibuya.”
It took a few seconds for Megumi to respond.
“That was a few years ago.”
Yuji nods.
“I used a knife I had found.”
Megumi let him talk more.
“It was a spur of the moment decision at first. But then I started doing it every time I had a chance. The only reason I stopped was because Choso caught me.”
Yuji starts to cry again. Choso cared about him so much no matter what he did. And now he was dead. What would he think of him now? He feels a hand reach up to his face and wipe away the tears.
“Hey… it's going to be okay. I promise.”
It was a sweet thought. But Yuji couldn’t believe it. Monsters don't get happy endings.
“I-I wish he was h-here…”
He starts crying harder.
"I know.”
Megumi scoots closer to him and starts threading his fingers through Yuji’s hair. Yuji pushes his head in his chest to try and muffle his cries.
They lay there for a while. Yuji’s getting more and more tired. Eventually his crying quiets to a few sniffles. He remembers why Megumi came here. He had a nightmare. They both did. So he takes a deep breath before asking.
“D-Do… you want to talk about your nightmare?”
Megumi stays quiet before speaking.
“I dreamt that you died.”
Oh.
That's why he went to his room. He was already nervous something was going to happen to him. And he's sure that seeing what Yuji had been doing to himself didn't help.
“Sorry.”
“Please stop saying that. I'm just worried about you. I don't want you to die. I never have.”
“I know.”
Megumi continues rubbing Yuji's hair. It feels nice. His body melts into Megumi's chest.
“Yuji.”
“Hmm?”
“When was the last time you ate?”
Yuji tenses slightly and takes a deep breath. Of course he would notice. He couldn't slip anything pass him. He thinks back to the last thing he ate. It was a chocolate bar that Megumi had insisted he eat. When was that?
“The last thing I ate was that chocolate bar you gave me.”
Megumi pulled away slightly to look him in the eyes.
"That was three days ago…”
“Oh.”
It didn't feel like it. And Megumi looked so sad right now. He really didn’t wanna let him go.
"I’ll eat tomorrow. I'm tired now.”
He can practically hear Megumi thinking.
“Okay.”
Megumi goes back to rubbing Yuji's hair.
“Can you try and get some sleep for me?”
Megumi asks. His voice sounds so soft. Yuji can’t help but lean into the touch.
“I can try.”
He can feel Megumi’s heartbeat. He doesn’t deserve this. But he lets himself enjoy it anyway. For the first time in a long time, Yuji feels like everything might be okay.
He falls asleep in Megumi’s arms. Safe from the nightmares and safe from himself. As long as he has Megumi. He'll be okay.