Archive of Our Own

Being in London always brought back so many memories for the Doctor. Living there with his granddaughter Susan before Chesterton and Barbara followed her home. Corralling dinosaurs with UNIT and Sarah Jane Smith. Fighting Cybermen with Jamie and Zoe. Defeating Daleks with Ace.

For whatever reason, most of the Doctor’s Earth adventures were in England, largely in London. They’d chock it up to the fate of the universe, but they knew better than to believe in fate. There’re too many God’s with their hands in the pot getting crisscrossed with each other for everything to always ‘just happen that way’ and be all up to chance. Sometimes it is. Sometimes the Doctor bumps into the right person at the right time. Other times they meet the right person at the wrong time, or the wrong person at the wrong time or—

Anyway, fate only has some influence. Not as much as some civilizations believe. Sometimes things happen completely randomly with the throw of the cosmic, infinitely sided dice. Sometimes a volcanic eruption is just that. Sometimes fires catch mysteriously in the bakers’ district Sometimes an apple just happens to fall from a tree.

Sometimes what someone thinks is fate is someone in a blue box, that’s bigger on the inside, having an itch they can’t scratch and landing in the middle of a disaster that they just so happen to have the skills to mend. Sometimes the little blue box is out of biscuits and needs to find the nearest supermarket.

To a time-traveler, believing in fate is a fool’s game.

There’s a limited number of events that are locked in, only so many times the minor details can shift without throwing the whole universe on its head. And when you’ve come face-to-face with Gods themselves, when you’ve held the scissors cutting the threads of lifelines, when you’ve watched civilizations rise and crumble with the leaves rustling the trees, it’s hard to believe that there’s any such thing as fate in existence.

Hope, though, is always present.

Hope is the nectar of life. Without hope, what else is left? There must be something driving living creatures to keep moving, to keep living and loving and making mistakes and discovering new things. Every great civilization is built when enough people have hope for a better world. And great civilizations disintegrate when hope is pulverized to dust.

Hope for a second chance, hope for a silver lining, hope for a new day. That’s what drives the Doctor to keep moving when the weight of their mistakes is heavy enough to drown them in the seas of blood they’ve left behind. Despite the destruction and death and heartbreak and betrayal. Despite being victorious so many times it’s impossible to keep count. Despite having overcome things that should have been impossible, obstacles that should have been impassable, moving mountains and seas with the whir of a sonic screwdriver and a fez.

Hope always comes back.

Being stuck in a hotel had been a learning experience. The Doctor had taken breaks before.   Staying in London while mourning the loss of Amy and Rory. Staying with River on Darillium until she was called to The Library. There was a stint in prison, too, leaving Yaz and Dan traveling the world on their own. Of course, there were also 4.5 billion years in a confession dial, but that was just a simulation. Sometimes it was a choice, sometimes not. Right now, it was not.

The Doctor had popped into the Time Hotel just to refill on milk for tea. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, his own curiosity got the better of him when he saw someone handcuffed to a briefcase in the lobby, and he ended up face-first in an adventure, as usual.

And that adventure left him stranded with no Tardis, no companion, just his sonic, psychic paper, and a room in the Sandringham Hotel waiting for Christmas to come again.

Anita had been wonderful. Somehow, the Doctor managed to convince her to let him work and earn his keep. Learning how to slow down and just focus on small tasks has been…nice. Mopping floors, serving breakfast, fixing appliances, rewiring electric. Ordering things on the Internet.

He really missed Kerblam at times.

It was also a reminder of how lonely he’d been since Ruby left. He misses her. He misses a lot of people all the time. He’s traveled and worked with so many of the most brilliant people in the universe. They all have a piece of his hearts, so much that sometimes he feels stretched thin. Even though many of them have long since passed away, he still remembers every single one of them.

Just because Ruby left, it didn’t mean that the Doctor had to-to fill a vacancy. It’s not like the Tardis was a hotel or anything. He didn’t need anyone. He wanted companionship like anyone else, but he didn’t need it. He wanted to be friends with Anita; he wanted to spend his time with her because she’s incredibly kind and wonderful and had been giving him a place to stay while he waited for the future. Once a week they had tea together and gossiped about the hotel guests. They laughed and played board games and talked about their families. Anita never believed him when he said he had the largest family in the world. The Doctor didn’t need the connection with Anita to survive; he wanted it.

What the Doctor needed was for time to keep moving because every tick of the clock was one second closer to getting back to the Time Hotel so he could disarm the sequence and save Joy from being disintegrated. There’d been enough casualties already from that bloody star seed device. The walls of his room had slowly been taken over by his drawings as he tried to work out the construction of the device, what its purpose was, and how he could remove it from Joy without taking her down with it.

The star seed will bloom and the flesh will rise.

Totally not ominous or anything.

Since the Doctor was earning his stay at the Sandringham, he didn’t venture out very often. When he did, he couldn’t help but reminisce about past trips. Being back in London in that time period reminded him of taking down the Nestene with Rose, tracking down the Sycorax with Donna. Even passing a simple hospital reminded him of Martha. Being kidnapped in broad daylight and sent to the moon by the Judoon.

The Doctor knew better than to go out searching for his former companions. They manage to run into each other at times, but as a rule the Doctor doesn’t go out of their way to find them. But a part of him always hoped that when he left the hotel, he’d cross paths with someone. It’d happened in the past. Sometimes whatever drew the Doctor to the area drew them together and they reunited. Other times the Doctor watched from afar and reminisced on the time spent with them.

Okay, most of the time, the Doctor watched from afar. At times, the Doctor was able to pull himself together and have an ounce of self-awareness to know that his former companions might not want to be approached. Sometimes they parted on tense terms, sometimes their time in the Tardis was traumatic. Sometimes it was a timeline issue and meeting them too soon might've had unintended consequences.

But the Doctor had lived long enough, and had spent enough time reflecting, to know that the most prevalent factor is that he was a coward. Admitting you’re wrong is never easy, especially when you’ve hurt people in the process. If it was ever feasible, there were plenty of former companions he owed an apology to. Or an explanation. Or even just an honest conversation to air out things unsaid that lingered between them until it was too late.

Unfortunately for some, there’s no going back. The Doctor can never tell Adric how much he cared about him and how his sacrifice changed so much. The Doctor can never tell Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart how his time as scientific advisor was more than just a punishment from the Time Lords, and how much his friendship meant. The Doctor can never tell Peri that he regrets how they parted ways but that he's happy she's alive. Even with Clara, there was so much he wanted to tell her, even if she already knew. They were fluent in a language unspoken in ways that still plague his dreams on his squeaky hotel bed.

With all of his new life experience over the last few regenerations, someone he really owed an apology to was—

Martha Jones.

Thump-thump, thump-thump.

The Doctor’s hearts went into overdrive.

Clear as day walking down the opposite side of the road was Martha Jones…Smith? Jones-Smith? Gosh, he doesn’t even know if she took Mickey’s name in the marriage or not. His feet were pulling him over the road and towards her before his head could catch up.

No, no, he couldn’t possibly intrude. She was in a doctor’s coat for goodness’ sake. Underneath, she was in a pair of dark trousers and an orange shirt, and her hair was much longer than it was all those years ago. She might be on call or just on a break, she might not even want to see him. It’d been ages since he saw Martha, longer for her than it was for him. Martha might not want anything to do with him.

The universe decided for him because something fell from Martha’s bag just as the Doctor made it across the street and he rushed to pick it up before it got trampled in the afternoon foot traffic of central London. He barely let himself look at it before speeding down the pavement and trying to catch her before she got too far.

“Excuse me, Mar—Ma’am. You, ah, you dropped this.”

Martha turned and looked at the name badge in his hand before looking up and smiling. Oh, he missed that smile.

“Thank you so much. I’d be lost without that.”

The Doctor couldn’t stop staring at every inch of her face. She looked so much the same but so different as well. Of course, he noticed when her brows drew together and that made him realize that he’d never replied.

“You’re welcome.”

No, no, no, he needs to turn and leave before she thinks he’s a total creep.

“Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Martha asked, stepping backwards and away from him.

“I did. I am. I just—I’m making a complete fool of myself.” The Doctor stumbled over his words as he patted down his trouser pockets, huffing under his breath, “Where the hell is it?”

“Look, if you’re going to try and peddle something onto me, mate, I’m not interested.”

“No, I just need to get something that’ll…ah, there it is.” The Doctor pulled out his psychic paper and flipped it open while his other hand was fumbling for his sonic. But he didn’t need it.

“Doctor?” Martha looked between him and the paper and stepped back as she looked him up and down.

“Hello, Martha.”

“Oh my gosh, get over here!”

Martha stepped closer and pulled him into a crushing hug. And oh, how good it felt to have one of his best friends back in his arms again. He hugged her impossibly tight and forced his tears to stay put as he listened to Martha repeat oh my gosh into his shoulder.

As soon as they pulled apart, Martha hit him in the shoulder with the back of her hand

“Ow!” The Doctor hissed and grabbed his arm pitifully. It didn’t really hurt; it was more of a surprise than anything.

“It’s been over a decade since you called me! You have my number. I kept it the same all these years hoping you’d call me again and you never did.”

“I’m sorry, I really, truly am. But it is so good to see your face right now.”

“It’s good to see you, too,” Martha pulled him in for another tight hug before holding him at an arm’s length and really studying his face, “Kate said you’d regenerated again last time I saw her, but I had no idea if I’d ever get the chance to see another one of your regenerations.”

Ah, that made sense. When the Doctor meets themselves in a different timeline, it doesn’t stick in the memory well. There’s always a haze around the memory like a fog he can’t clear. He knew he ran into another Doctor with Martha at some point, but it was hard to recall when. Perhaps she didn’t recall either.

“Yeah, this is me. Not really dressed how I’d like to be, but I don’t have my Tardis right now.” The Doctor looked down at his polo and work trousers and wished he’d changed into something else before going for a walk.

Martha frowned, “You don’t? Is everything alright?”

“It will be in about six months when I can get back to where I’m meant to be. Until then I have to stick it out down here.”

Recognition flashed across Martha’s face, “Like when we were stuck in 1969 all those years ago?”

The Doctor’s hearts started pounding faster again as he thought back to their stint here in London while they tried to set plans into motion for Sally Sparrow to evade the Weeping Angels.

“In some ways, yes, in other ways, no. I got myself stuck in a bootstrap paradox by mistake when I was trying to save this woman from this device handcuffed to her wrist and…It’s really a mouthful. D’you have time for a chat? I promise I’m not going to be dragged away by a tenterhook into action. Cross my hearts.”

Martha’s expression was unreadable for a terrifying handful of seconds, but then, she softened, “You’re sure you won’t have to pull me along and defeat a rogue group of Daleks?”

The Doctor laughed as he exhaled the breath he had been holding in, “Yes, I’m sure. Let me get you a cuppa?”

“If you’re paying then absolutely.”

The Doctor had cash on him, but he also programmed the sonic to work on the tap to pay machines so with a whir he was able to pay for their tea and send them on their way. They found a quiet bench on the hospital campus and sat on opposite sides.

“So, you’re back in the medical field I see. Full time on Earth or…?” The Doctor left it open for Martha to answer.

“I still keep in touch with UNIT if they ever have a disaster that they need help with while you’re off in the stars somewhere. Kate Lethbridge-Stewart became my handler more or less. But for the most part, I’m back here in London. I work as one of the heads of the Intensive Treatment Unit or the Critical Care Unit. Since I had so much unique experience with injuries from working freelance for different agencies, they found that instead of being swamped down in A&E they’d rather have me working on the high-risk cases.”

The Doctor could picture Martha leading the charge and guiding other doctors on how to care for the patients under their care. She’d always been a natural leader, so it made perfect sense that she’d be given a position where she could shine like that, “You’re so good with people that I’m sure you’re a dream to have on staff.”

Martha blushed at the praise, “Thanks. It’s been good to be back with both feet on the ground. I was always happy to help, but after a while, the constant running was just too much.”

That’s the unfortunate bit about traveling with humans. Their lives are so much shorter than his and they don’t have the same stamina as he does. After a while, everyone he travels with wants their feet back on solid ground.

“How’s the family? Mum and dad? Tish and Leo?”

“Mum and dad are…they’re as good as they can be. Tish and Leo both got married if you can believe it. Made me an auntie as well. Part of my desire to slow down and stop the intense work was to spend more time with my family and friends.”

The Doctor had yet to ask Martha the question plaguing his mind since he noticed an absence on her left hand. There had been a ticking clock in the front of his mind, almost in his peripheral vision, counting down the seconds until it was acceptable to ask Martha, “Are you and Mickey still…?”

Martha reached for her ring finger and ran her thumb over the faint line where a ring used to be, “No, not really.”

“I’m sorry. You know he and I didn’t always see eye to eye but he’s a good lad.”

“Yeah, he is. And don’t be sorry, I’ve been enjoying the last few years of being single again. After we settled down and stopped doing intense work as often, it became hard for us to remember what all we had in common outside of our careers. Other than you.”

The Doctor frowned, “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. And y’know what else I realized? My relationship with him reminded me a lot of my relationship with you.”

“How so?” The Doctor felt his hearts pump faster in his chest because Martha called what they had a relationship.

Martha sipped her tea and looked wistfully towards the passing cars.

“I spent a lot of time after we stopped freelancing for Torchwood and UNIT and other agencies coming to the realization that I fell for Mickey the same way I fell for you. Proximity. If Mickey and me had met under ‘normal’ circumstances, would I have fallen for him? Would I have fallen for him if we met at the pub or in a Costa? Would I have married him if we weren’t in the same line of work and essentially had shared trauma? I’m not sure we would’ve.”

The Doctor couldn’t stop himself from asking, “And you had those thoughts about me?”

“I did. In the beginning I chased after you even when I knew I was hurting myself. I was so young and I would have rather hurt and be traveling with you than to hurt and be without you. Eventually, I came to my senses and realized my worth. Even if you didn’t until it was too late. I know you had feelings for me, Doctor, maybe even loved me somewhere in that big head of yours. But your heart was somewhere else, and there wasn’t much I could do about that.”

I spent a lot of time with you thinking I was second best. But you know what? I am good…So, this is me. Getting out.

Without a second thought, the Doctor reached for Martha’s hand and held it between his own, “I do love you, Martha. It’s never past tense for me. I’ll always carry that love with me for as long as my hearts are beating.”

“Sorry?” Martha’s voice was much quieter than it was before, her eyes shining with something the Doctor couldn’t read. It wasn’t sadness, but it wasn’t not sadness, either.

“And yeah, I was so unfathomably thick to not have truly realized what I’d lost until you were gone. I’ve kicked myself over that for ages. But I also know that I couldn’t have been what you deserved. I have learned so much since I traveled with you, Martha. I’ve experienced some of the greatest joys of my existence and some of the most excruciating heartbreaks. Platonic and romantic. I’m still your Doctor but I’m also someone entirely new.”

The Doctor paused and thought about what he wanted to say next instead of letting his train of thought go off the rails.

“I’m trying to be more open with expressing my feelings before it’s too late. I’m trying to let myself embrace the people I meet and to be less guarded with my emotions. M’not always very good at it, I shouldn’t have just blurted it out like that. But I can say with full honesty that I did love you then, and I do love you now. You’re Martha Jones, it’s quite hard not to love you.”

Martha stared at him incredulously for a terrifying thirty seconds before she let his hand go turned away. The hum of London swallowed them for a while, sitting side by side watching people pass through the campus and cars breeze past in the distance. The Doctor turned his sonic over and over in his palm and counted the seconds as they passed. That’s a renewed habit of his since being forced to slow down again. He used to do that when he first worked for UNIT, and the Brigadier kept him under lock and key. Counting the seconds as he tried to tinker his way out of the lock on his Tardis keeping him marooned on Earth.

“You are such an idiot, Doctor. I don’t know what happened to make you able to say something like that to me after all these years, and I don’t know whether to hug you or kick you.” Martha broke the silence and turned back to him, shaking her head, “I mean, you’ve never shied away from talking my ear off, but my God its like you just exploded.” Martha started laughing, which made the Doctor start to laugh, too. The unease in the air dissipated as they laughed together.

“I’m sorry I never said it before. I should’ve told you what you meant to me. I should’ve told a lot of people what they meant to me before it was too late. But don’t ever think I don’t love you, because I do.”

Martha nodded, “I know. And you know I’ll always love you, too. But is it…is it a bit much for me to ask where you’ve been? What happened that made you able to sit here and be brutally honest with me for once?”

The Doctor took a deep breath as he realized just how much time had passed since he saw Martha last. Close to two decades for her, but unfathomably long for him.

“D’you have anywhere to be for the foreseeable future? I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever laid this all out for anyone before, especially not since it’s all happened. I might end up taking ages.”

Martha smiled, “I’m not on call this evening, and I don’t have anywhere else I need or want to be. You’re never shy about talking about yourself, so lay it on me. Give me the abridged version of where you’ve been.”

“Right, yeah. I ah, after I said my goodbyes, and regenerated, I was still loopy from the whole process and ended up crashing the Tardis into someone’s garden. A little girl named Ameila. In my delirium I promised her that I’d come back for her and take her on an adventure. Turns out I miscalculated and showed up very, very late and Ameila was an adult. I traveled with Amy and eventually with her fiancée Rory as well. They were some of the best people I’ve ever known. The three of us crossed paths with a woman named River a few times, but she and I were never quite on the same path chronologically. Sometimes my past was her future, and her future was my past. The very first time I met her, she died. Donna was there, too. Seeing River again was like seeing a ghost because I always knew where she’d end up, but never when she’d get there.”

Martha had this wide-eyed stare as she listened to him speak, and it reminded him of when she insisted he tell her about his past when they were traveling together. Or when they shared that postage stamp of a bed when they visited Shakespeare. She always wanted to learn and know more about him, even when he was determined to keep himself locked away.

“Turns out, our timelines were intertwined and jumbled up in more ways than one. River was, is, my wife. She’s also the daughter of Amy and Rory and was conceived on the Tardis which somehow made her part Time Lord? Don’t ask me to elaborate, I don’t really understand it.”

“I-I think I follow?” Martha tilted her head in thought, “The Tardis does have a history of leaving energy where it’s not supposed to be, right?”

“Oh yes, she does. So, I traveled with all three of them on and off for quite some time. Remember the mysterious black cubes popping up everywhere? It was around then. I hadn’t traveled with that many people in my Tardis in so long, but it was really a lot of fun. Eventually, we had a scrape with the Weeping Angels and, well…Rory and Amy were both taken by the angels, and I wasn’t able to reach them. I couldn’t bring them back. They had to live out the rest of their lives in a city they didn’t know and in a completely different time period.”

Martha placed a hand on his shoulder comfortingly, “I’m so sorry, Doctor.”

The Doctor smiled and nodded. He’s had a very, very long time to process all of it. Talking about it out loud, especially with someone he trusted as much as he trusted Martha, it actually felt really good.

“I stopped traveling for a while after that. I became a recluse. I stayed in the Victorian era with some acquaintances who called themselves the Paternoster Gang. Crime solvers who may have inspired the story of Sherlock Holmes. Back when I was traveling with Amy and Rory, we met this girl named Oswin whose consciousness was trapped inside a Dalek unknowingly. When I was staying in Victorian England, I met a woman named Clara Oswin Oswald who looked exactly like Oswin. Seeing the same person twice in two different places and times was weird enough. Then she showed up again in the modern day. Clara Oswald. It was impossible, but she was interwoven into my timeline, and she was my impossible girl. I traveled with her through the rest of that face and into my next regeneration.”

“Wait, this Doctor you were just telling me about, is that who called me all those years ago?”

She remembered.

“Yes. I called you before I regenerated. Grief had changed me, and I wanted to hear your voice again. When I regenerated, I became a bit detached from myself at times. You know how I can get, but this was behavior I hadn’t seen in myself for a long time. Long before I met you. I was…colder. Blunt in a way that was entirely unhelpful in life and death scenarios, but I couldn’t help it. It was the eyebrows and the accent, I think. And I may have developed some feelings for Clara, but Clara fell for a man named Danny, and it all got a bit…”

“Complicated?” Martha finished for him, knowingly. He almost regretted including that detail at all, but it was the truth. And Martha deserved the truth after all this time.

“Honey, it was complicated with a capital C. Especially when Danny was killed and turned into a Cyberman.”

Martha’s face fell, “I remember that. All those people who walked from the grave. Kate didn’t end up calling me into action because it was over so quickly. But she did tell me that the Master was involved?”

The Doctor winced. He wasn’t sure how he was going to bring that up to Martha. His relationship with the Master was indescribably complex. Their longest friend and enemy, someone who knows some of their deepest, darkest secrets and who has tried to kill them many, many times. Tried to kill people the Doctor loved, too. But the Master had imprisoned Martha’s family for a year, imprisoned the Doctor and Jack Harkness, while Martha walked to the ends of the Earth to save humanity. She really is one of the bravest women he’d ever known.

The Master had tried to kill the Doctor more times than you could count on two human hands. Despite it all, the Doctor had love in his heart for them. Somehow, there was still a remnant of the good memories left in the shattered remains of their relationship. The constant push and pull, the highest highs and deepest, most miserable lows.

Everything they’ve been through, for bad or for worse. Sometimes for good. From the Academy to Stangmoor Prison. From Castrovalva to Killingworth. From Malcassario to the Nethersphere. They’re linked in ways no other being in the universe could ever begin to understand—

“Doctor?” Martha put a hand on his shoulder again and snapped him out of it. “Sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, the Master was responsible. She’d regenerated and wanted to be called Missy instead, but it was the Master all the same.”

The guilt of admitting this to someone who suffered because of the Master’s actions was consuming him in ways he didn’t anticipate. His pulse ran cold through his body as his hearts raced at the memories flooding through his mind.

“She was too slippery for UNIT and got away. Unfortunately, not long after that, Clara was…she sacrificed herself for a young man to live. And that sent me off the deep end. I was captured by the Time Lords, who surprise, were not eradicated like I thought they were, and I was imprisoned in a confession dial for four and a half billion years while they tried to pry information out of me. While I was trapped, I was trying to work out how I could reverse what had been done to bring Clara back.”

“Sorry, did you say four and half billion years?” Martha exclaimed in disbelief, “And the Time Lords aren’t gone?”

I had a duty of care. Four and a half billion is nothing compared to what I would do for Clara to still be here with me.

“Yes. I managed to bring Clara back, sort of, but I should have known it was too good to be true. The Time Lords were after information that they thought I had, and I couldn’t keep Clara with me. It was too dangerous for us to both exist with the knowledge we shared, and I had to make the decision to wipe her memory of me.”

Martha sighed knowingly, “Like with Donna.”

“Yes. And like Donna, Clara wasn’t happy with that choice. So, she tricked me and wiped my memory of her instead. I regained it eventually, but it was too late by then. She’d already run off back to her place of death the long way round. Not long after that, I had my very last meeting with my wife River before I knew she was going to die. After I lost her and Clara, I stopped traveling again. Part of that was because Missy had been captured and she was supposed to be punished for her crimes. All the lives she took, all the pain and suffering she caused. But I-I couldn’t let that happen at the hands of someone else. So, I took her into my custody and kept her under lock and key.”

Martha raised her eyebrows, “You had the Master under lock and key? Aren’t you usually the one being captured?”

“Oi!” The Doctor flushed furiously at the accusation, “Anyway, I lectured at a university for a while until Bill Potts stumbled into my life. She wasn’t even a student; she worked in the campus canteen and snuck into my lectures. But she was bright and curious and hilarious and I was lonely. Nardole was shit company, and I could only see Missy when I managed to get Nardole out of my hair for long enough. Anyway, I traveled with Bill and Nardole and eventually Missy, too. I didn’t think she could change, but she did. I’ve known the Master longer than I’ve known anyone else. And I thought she really did change her ways. For a while, at least.”

“Oh, you didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t let your guard down.”

The Doctor was quiet, his stomach in knots as he just stared at Martha’s face as it morphed from horror to acceptance.

“Doctor, what happened?”

The Doctor sniffed, “Missy had been working behind my back with the Master you met. Harold Saxon. After Bill was mortally wounded, she was taken from me and turned into Mondasian Cyberman. The Master and Missy were responsible for it. After everything we’d been through it shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. What the Master has done to me is one thing. Knowing what they’ve done to people I care about should fill me with blinding rage. But all I ever wanted was to do what was right, and I had hope in my hearts that the Master could change, that they would join my side after so long trying to convince me to join their side. I was mortally wounded in the battle, and I regenerated shortly after we escaped.”

Martha was quiet for a minute, and it felt like an eternity. The look on her face was utterly devastating, and the Doctor could do nothing but sit in silence and wait. Counting the seconds as they passed again. Tick, tick, tick…

“You-you…oh, I wish I could call you a fool, Doctor. I’ll absolutely call you a bloody idiot for believing that someone like the Master could really change. You know him better than I do, but how many chances can you give someone like that? What I will say is that I know what it’s like to feel so desperate that the only thing keeping you moving is the hope for a better future. Because that’s what the Master did to me when I was traveling the Earth while he held my family captive.”

The Doctor shook his head, frowning at his own incompetence, “No, you’d be right to call me a fool. I let my optimism and my pride, and my ego get in the way, and I paid the price. I’m responsible for the loss of so many lives. I know there are mistakes I will be paying for as long as I’m alive. And I know that I’ve hurt people. I hurt you, Martha. I put your family in danger. I put the world in danger. Sometimes I try so hard to do what I think is right that I get blinded by justice, and I make things worse before I make them better. If I make them better at all.”

Martha took a deep breath and looked down at the paper cup in her hands.

“Martha, I am so sorry. And I should have said it before, I should have said it to you so many times, but my ego was the size of the constellation of Kasterborous. It’s a shit excuse, but I was so full of myself that it was hard for me to see just how badly I was hurting you. Believe me, I will pay for that for the rest of my existence. And not just for that, but for how I treated you and how I let others treat you.”

That got Martha to look up again, her eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

“I’ve learned so much that I should have taken the time to learn sooner. I should have made the effort to understand my companions—my friends, and how they come from completely different places than me. I mean, I hadn’t been a woman before, let alone had a skin color like this. I said some really awful things to you and made assumptions that you could just waltz through life the same way I had. I was seeing you below the surface, but you don’t have the luxury to only be seen for who you are below the surface. You live in a place where your exterior matters and I am so sorry for neglecting to protect you from the racism and bigotry you faced under my care. I know it’s not—you don’t need anyone to protect you, but you deserved someone who was going to punch anyone in the mouth who dared to insinuate that you were less than because of the color of your skin. And I should have punched myself in the mouth for how I spoke to you and how I treated you at times. Even if I wasn’t in my right mind, but especially for those ones.”

Putting Martha in harms’ way to protect humanity was one of the worst mistakes the Doctor had ever made, and he’s spent a long, long time reflecting on that in his newfound solace. Even Bill and Yaz and Ryan he could have protected better. It shouldn’t have taken him this long to realize that he and his companions aren’t immune to the universal language of bigotry and species supremacy. The Doctor had seen more than the average how division and hatred can fracture the mightiest civilizations. How it creates a species like the Daleks or the Cybermen. Even how the Time Lords would travel and refuse to help in times of need because they were only there in the pursuit of knowledge, not to prevent travesty. That’s why the Doctor left Gallifrey in the first place.

Martha finally spoke up, “You have a nasty habit of letting your ego get ahead of you and forgetting that not everyone has the same lived experience as you. It was infuriating at times because I knew you could see me, but you couldn’t see me. In more ways than one. I’m glad that you understand better now, and I hope you learn not to make those same mistakes again. Because I know how badly it aches. Now, finish the story, yeah?”

It wasn’t lost on the Doctor that Martha never said I forgive you. But for everything he put her through, she didn’t have to accept his apology. But he did need to say it. He could spend the next 15 years apologizing and it wouldn’t be enough.

“So, after I regenerated, I found myself in Sheffield. Well, I fell out of my Tardis and landed in Sheffield, as well as in the lap of a police officer named Yaz. We then ran into her friend Ryan, his nan Grace, and his nan’s husband Graham. Without my Tardis, sonic, tools, anything, and having just regenerated, I was completely out of my right mind. I foolishly put them in harm’s way as we tried to both find my Tardis and fight the bad guy who just so happened to be terrorizing the town, and Grace died. In my care. It was also Tim Shaw’s fault, but I still feel such an overwhelming sense of responsibility for that happening and it crushed me.”

Martha had that same look on her face again. Laying it all out in order like this really makes it clear that this stint in London, taking a break, was more necessary than he realized, “I sound like a broken record, but I’m so sorry.”

“I know, me too. Yaz, Ryan and Graham ended up being transported with me when I was trying to locate my Tardis, and after that they decided to keep traveling with me. We avenged the death of Grace, we traveled the stars, we even got to have tea at Yaz’s house. They became my fam. It had been so long since I traveled with a true team like that. Ryan and Graham reminded me a lot of myself and Susan at times, especially when she and I would butt heads. Yaz and I…she was really something special. I think you two would have got on so well.”

Martha looked down sheepishly, before her smile spread into something mischievous, “I’ve met her, actually. She speaks very highly of you.”

“You what? When? How? How is she?” The Doctor rambled off before he could slap a hand over his mouth to shut himself up.

“She’s great, so are Ryan and Graham. They started a support group for former companions. We meet every now and again and talk about our time with you. Planets we visited, historical events we saw, aliens we battled, times you embarrassed yourself in front of us.”

“Oi!” The Doctor squawked.

“I’ve met a lot of your former companions, actually. I knew you’d been around the block, but my goodness you really picked a lot of us up whether we liked it or not.” Martha grinned as the Doctor reeled.

He knows roughly how many of his former companions are still on Earth and alive. Some of them are out in the stars, some of them stay behind in different times or on different planets. Some of them didn’t survive. But he knows a decent chunk of them are still on Earth and knowing some of them have gotten to know one another makes his hearts happy. It also makes him itch to pry out the information from Martha on where they hold said meetings and how bad it would be if he crashed one and what the hell she means by times you embarrassed yourself.

“I will withhold my questions about that and move forward with caution knowing you’ve met people I’m discussing with you. Anyway, the fam and I were contacted by MI6 to try and help them figure out who had been taking out spies and intelligence officers all over the world.”

“I remember hearing about this through my connections. Kate said it was above her paygrade though.”

“Well, in some ways, yes. They hadn’t worked out that it wasn’t a human yet, so UNIT wasn’t involved. Anyway, we met up with a former MI6 agent named O and he helped us track down the assassin. Except it wasn’t a former MI6 agent. The Master had been targeting spies across history to destroy humanity and in a larger plot to destroy me. Not only that, but to destroy the Time Lords for good. He found Gallifrey despite my attempts to hide it from him and burned it to the ground, leaving it smoldering for me to find. Taunting me with a message about the Time Lords and disappearing into thin air again.”

“And you said you don’t hate the Master?” Martha said, staring at him in disappointment.

“It’s—”

“Complicated, as you’ve said.”

“The Master was taunting me because he found out something he couldn’t bear the weight of and decided that the only solution was the same solution he’d been trying for hundreds of years. Destroying me.”

Martha just shook her head in silence, saying enough with a long sigh.

“I met another version of myself. One that I had never seen before, but she had never seen me, either. So, how could we both exist? If she was my future, surely, she’d remember being me. I remember everyone I’ve been, and I didn’t remember being her. That same day, Graham was taken by Jack Harkness when he was looking for me, and he gave Graham a message to warn me about a lone Cyberman and not to let him get what he was after. Turned out the Master was back to working with the Cybermen and wanted to create a new generation of Time Lords fused with Cybermen. He also wanted to throw me into the Matrix, which contains all Time Lord knowledge, so he could show me the truth about our people.”

The Doctor paused, turning the sonic over in his hands as his stomach flipped.

You can see why I’m angry. A little piece of you is in me. All I am is somehow because of you, and believe me when I say, I cannot bear that!

“Doctor?” Martha snapped him out of it, voice far too soft for what he deserves, “Hey, are you…?”

A tear slipped down his cheek, and he let out the breath he had been holding in.

“As children, the Master and I were told about the Timeless Child, the mythological origin of the Time Lords. As it turns out, it wasn’t a myth and the child was me. I-I’m not a Time Lord, but I’m a part of every Time Lord. I’m not from Gallifrey. I don’t know where I’m really from; I don’t know my real parents or my people or who I was before I was me. I don’t even feel like me sometimes. I was taken as a child, and my body was used to create the Time Lords because I had the ability to regenerate into a new form when I was mortally wounded. I was used. I was an experiment, a lab rat in a cage. I’ve had so many other lives that I’ll never know because they were taken from me. I’ll never know everywhere I’ve been. I don’t remember all the people I’ve loved or lost. All I know is-is glimpses of some of the lives I’ll never get to see. And-and I’m grateful that I got to know you and that I’ve been lucky enough to love you. I don’t want to sound like a petulant child or like I’m not happy to have lived this life. But I just…I don’t know how to live while I grieve what was taken from me because I don’t even know what I’m grieving.”

Martha had her arms around the Doctor before he could take another breath, pulling him into a crushing hug and holding him close. It wasn’t comforting at first, as much as he wished it was. The warmth of her arms, the scent of disinfectants, the stitching on her coat, it was overwhelming. He wanted to run like the coward he is. Back to the solitude of his hotel room and the sketches and ramblings of a madman. To be in the dark and wallow in the all-consuming sadness he feels when he lets himself sit alone with his thoughts for too long.

This is why I don’t have any chairs in the Tardis right now. I don’t want to see the physical reminder of my loneliness as I wander aimlessly through the cosmos.

There was a reason the Doctor was always on the move; there was a reason he always had his hands on the controls of the Tardis. There was a reason he usually kept a companion at his side. When he stopped moving, when he let silence fill the never-ending halls, when he watched planets fall into the center of black holes, his thoughts had time to catch up to him.

And when you’ve spent thousands of years running, you get good at avoiding your thoughts. You get good at carefully crafting a system of defenses that protect others from falling into the pit of your despondency as much as to protect you from falling into it yourself. He couldn’t stop thinking about his current responsibility, self-made or one that he wandered into, because as soon as he let his guard down, the anguish would return.

Martha pulled back and wiped tears from the Doctor’s face, a tenderness that wrapped his hearts in barbed wire because there was no part of him that felt like he deserved it. For all the suffering and pain and death and destruction he’s caused. For the ones he sees when he closes his eyes and for the ones he knows he caused in previous lives, whether he remembers them or not.

“I don’t know how much comfort I can offer, but I can try. I think that despite everything you’ve been through, even if you don’t remember it, you’ve still managed to be a beacon of hope to so many people across all of time and space. I’ve seen it. And I know how it feels to an extent, how heavy that can feel. I know you’ve made some bad decisions and that you’ve paid the price for them. I know you’re hurting. I know that it feels impossible. But it doesn’t matter who you were before because you’re exactly who you’re meant to be.”

It took a few more minutes for the Doctor to compose himself enough to continue the story, and Martha sat through it all.

“After everything, I managed to escape the Matrix and the Master and to send a Tardis to Yaz, Ryan and Graham to get them home safely. And I am so glad I did, because I was captured and locked in prison for ages for a crime I’d apparently committed in one of the previous lives that was taken from me. Jack Harkness ended up getting himself locked up to break me out. We got back to Earth and into a scrape with some Daleks, but after that, Graham and Ryan decided they were staying behind. Yaz and I went off on our own for a while until we picked up Dan, which led us to the Flux. That lone Cyberman wasn’t tied up with the Master, no, that’d be too easy. My inability to stop him from getting what he was after caused a series of mass destruction events that were crafted to wipe out the entire universe, specifically to keep me from discovering the truth about being the Timeless Child.”

“But you already knew by then, didn’t you?” Martha asked, “And why would they try to destroy you for finding out something like that?”

The Doctor wanted to laugh, but he knew it wasn’t Martha’s fault for choosing to see the good in him despite the mounting evidence against it.

“Tecteun, the one who took me as a child and crafted the Time Lords, wanted me and this universe gone because she thought that if I ever found out what she’d done to me, I would want to destroy her for it. With me still standing, and with the threat of what she thought I would do if I ever found out my identity, she thought it was safer for her to destroy everything and start over. In a new universe with the remnants of the organization she founded, The Division. Of course, when I did find her, and she realized I just wanted answers, she offered me a place in the new universe. She even offered the memories she stole from me that she’d kept for all those years. But before she could, she was taken down by her own actions. Old foes came for her and that gave me the time I needed to stop the Flux and prevent further destruction of the universe.”

The Doctor paused and shook his head, “By then, though, I knew I’d gone too far. I knew I was on borrowed time. I always get this feeling like when the back of your neck tingles when someone’s watching you. I can feel when I’ve flown too close to the sun. I try to outrun it. I always do. Even when I’m warned. I have no doubt Kate called you. She called everyone into action when there was a worldwide threat like that.”

Martha nodded, “She did. Mickey and I were sent to help with planning evacuations once they knew which volcanoes were being targeted. We didn’t know that Daleks were involved or that Cybermen had invaded HQ until it was too late. But knowing my history with him, they did tell me the Master was involved.”

“I should have known better. I knew the Master would come back for me, I just didn’t know how bad it would be this time. He’s been responsible for my regeneration before. Trying to kill me is nothing new for the Master. But trying to steal my regenerations again? Even the Valeyard tried that and failed.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes at the memory. Being on trial for something he didn’t do, being interrogated by not only the most pompous of Time Lords but being interrogated by himself. All for Peri to not even—

“Who’s the Valeyard? Is it even worth getting into?” Martha asked, interrupting a memory he’d rather not revisit anyway.

The Doctor laughed dryly, knowing it wasn’t worth wasting his time on, “Not really, no. Time Lord nonsense. Anyhow, while the Master’s plan didn’t shake out how he wanted, he still managed to wound me seriously enough for me to regenerate. But I chose to do it alone, leaving Yaz behind. I never told Yaz how I truly felt for her and that broke my heart. But I would rather have left her behind alive than risk losing someone else I loved. In one way or another, even if they managed to have a fragment of their essence survive out there in the cosmos, I’ve lost so many people I loved, Martha. And I didn’t even have the courage to tell them how I felt until it was too late. And d’you know where my Tardis took me after I regenerated?”

Martha’s face flashed with recognition, likely as she realized how close he was to finishing the story. The realization of how close he was made his stomach sink because once he finishes telling Martha where he’s been, that means he has to leave.

“Here in London, yeah?”

“Not just here in London, but into the lap of Donna Noble. Who was able to regain her memories without having any harm come to her.”

Martha blinked a few times like she wasn’t sure she just heard him correctly, but then broke into a blinding smile, “She did?! And she’s alright?!”

“Oh, she’s brilliant! She remembers everything and she has the most beautiful family. D’you remember the earthquake right before everyone went a bit out of their right mind and—?”

“Yeah, I do. After the whole UFO in London thing, UNIT had Mickey and I back in the field. Once London was back in one piece, we were kept on alert for a while because they have enough experience to know that sometimes disaster follows you around for a while before finding somewhere else to land. I always wondered what happened up there that day, but Kate told me it was a story for another day.”

The Doctor nodded, “Somehow, I ended up running into Donna right before the ship crashed and one thing led to another, and I was helping her and her family escape what we thought were bounty hunters after this poor little creature called the Meep. Of course, it wasn’t what it seemed and the Meep was actually a war criminal on the lam. The only way for us to take the Meep down was for Donna to regain her memories and help me turn off the device that would have taken down most of London. Turns out when she had her daughter, some of the Time Lord essence passed down to her and Donna was able to regain her memories without it killing her.”

“Gosh, I knew there was more they weren’t telling us, but I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, I’ve been here in the wake of so many disasters, and I knew you were out there waving around your sonic. But in the chaos, I never had the chance to just ask what the full story was, you know?”

“Mmhmm, I know that very well. After that, Donna and I took an impromptu adventure, surely to no shock and awe from you, and when we came back, everyone had lost their minds.”

Martha laughed, running a hand over her face, “That was such a ridiculous one. Mickey and I were sent over to Paris to try and liaison with the president and convince them to use the signal blockers. The lack of response from the world should have been more predictable considering how they handled other disasters, but it was so annoying to see no one caring that they were losing their minds because they all thought they were right.”

The Doctor hummed, “The Toymaker was back for seconds with me. I’d fought him ages ago and thought when I won the game that he’d slink back into obscurity. But he got the best of me and I regenerated into this,” The Doctor gestured to himself with a flourish, “Lovely body here on the helipad of UNIT HQ, and off I went. Traveled with my friend Ruby for a bit, she decided she’d had enough, and now here I am. Trapped in London waiting for myself from the past to open a door to get me back to the Time Hotel where I left my Tardis and also a mystery device that I still haven’t quite worked out the function of.”

Martha looked at the Doctor expectantly, like she was saying well, what next? with her eyes alone. Things are still a bit too fresh to dive into that much detail. Not just Ruby making the smart choice to leave him before she got hurt, but Rogue still being out there somewhere that the Doctor can’t reach.

“I’m, ah, it’s still a bit too fresh for more detail than that, I think. Sorry.”

Martha grabbed his hand, squeezing it tight between her own again, “It’s alright, Doctor. You just spent ages telling me where you’d been.”

The Doctor looked up and realized how dark it had gotten, the sun’s descent signaling how much time had passed.

“I have taken up far too much of your time, Martha, you should have told me to shut up!”

Martha laughed, tossing her head back and grinning, “You know I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here.”

“Look, before I go, I should warn you that there’s another one of me running around out there.”

Martha rolled her eyes, “Another another? Like other than the one you sent with Rose Tyler?”

“Yeah, about that,” The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck, “So, you know about regeneration. Well, there’s this thing called bi-generation, and we thought it was a Time Lord myth, but it turns out it’s real and it happened to me when the whole Toymaker thing went down. Instead of my body changing into a new one, it split into two and one retained my previous face while this one, the real me, changed into a new one. That other Doctor can’t regenerate again, but they do have all my memories up until we parted ways. They’re actually staying with Donna last I knew. That’s where I left them, anyway.”

Martha smiled, scanning his face with a newfound determination in her eyes, “You’re really something, huh? Always finding new ways to keep humans like me on our toes.”

“Well…” The Doctor trailed off playfully. “What’s this other Doctor look like, then?”

“I, ah, sort of left out some information earlier to try and save time. When I regenerated into a new form before bi-generating into this one, that other Doctor has, er…how do I put this. That Doctor has the same face that you traveled with. Little bit older, but still the same face.”

Marth’s face morphed from confusion, to recognition, to sadness.

“My…My Doctor? Has been in London for who knows how long and he didn’t call me?”

The Doctor kicked himself internally for not landing the blow softer, “I s’pose not.”

“Bloody hell, this is a lot to take in at once.”

“I think—I know that the other Doctor would be thrilled to see you. He has a Tardis of his own and everything. And I’m sure I—the Doctor, didn’t reach out because he’s trying to settle down and keep himself from running off back to his old ways. I’m glad that a version of me can just…live a normal life. I think I deserve that.”

“You do, Doctor. Some day you’ll get there, too. But for now, there’re too many planets to save.”

“Mm.”

They enjoyed the silence and the company for a bit longer before Martha checked her watch and sighed. The sun had completely set, and their cups had long since run empty of tea.

“I should really get home, Doctor. I have to feed my cat and process everything I just heard.”

Goodness, even hearing that Martha had a cat at home made him happy. Knowing that she had a life and could be here for her family and friends and even own a cat. Things she wouldn’t be able to do, wasn’t able to do, when she was traveling with him. Of course, it also made him sad because he’d love nothing more than to go with her and meet the cat and see her life now that she’s independent. But he has somewhere to be, too.

“Right, of course. I should get back, too. I’m sure Anita is wondering where I am.”

“Are you and Anita…?” Martha trailed off. “No, no she’s just a friend. She manages the hotel I’m staying at. I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of…companionship, or any kind of companionship right now. I’ll find someone to tag along with me eventually, but for now, it’s me and Anita until I can get back to the Time Hotel and save the day.”

As much as he wanted time to go faster, as much as he’d been itching to get back to Joy, back to his Tardis, back to the stars, he’d also grown to love his weekly game nights with Anita and watching the ever-rotating guests of the hotel. He really does like her. But he knows his heart is still too raw for the kind of companionship Anita deserves.

Martha smiled, but beneath it, he could feel the pity she was shoving down, “I know you will. Don’t spend all your love on people in your past. We all know how much you loved us, even if you weren’t always the best at showing it. So don’t make that mistake again, got it?”

The Doctor blinked away the stinging in his eyes as he fought the tears threatening to form again and composed himself before smiling back, “I promise to give it my best. And I promise to call you sometime.”

The Doctor slid across the bench, slung his arm over Martha’s shoulder, giving her a kiss on the head and pulling her to his side. Maybe he’ll call Donna and tell her to whack some sense into her Doctor and tell him to call Martha, too. She and Martha have some catching up to do as well now that her memory is back. Maybe he should tell her. But maybe he should just let Martha do it on her own and stop meddling in the affairs of others for once.

Just this once.

“You’re back late,” Anita noted as the Doctor entered the lobby, “Do anything fun while you were out today?”

The Doctor leaned against the counter and smiled down at her, “Ah, yeah, it was. Sort of. I ran into an old friend of mine and we had a lot to catch up on.”

“A friend, hm? You look like hell right now.”

“I do not!” The Doctor exclaimed and looked at himself in the mirror in the corridor. He was met with slightly puffy eyes and a smile he hadn’t seen on himself in a long time, “I probably just have hay fever coming on, or something like that.”

Anita grinned, knowing him well enough by now to know that he was lying through his teeth, “Alright, don’t tell me. Go get some rest if you’re feeling poorly. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Breakfast service wouldn’t be the same without me, would it?” The Doctor called over his shoulder as he turned and rounded the banister to head upstairs. Back to his room, back to his sketches, back to the solace of his usual evenings.

Six more months. He could handle six more months.