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Jisung knows everything is fine. He knows that there is nothing to be anxious about, but that doesn’t stop the squeezing in his chest.
He’s sitting on the kitchen floor in his and Minho's shared apartment. He didn’t even remember sitting down, just being hit with a sudden wave of anxiety on his way to get a snack.
He had been feeling great all day, so why the fuck is this happening?
He pulls his legs tight up to his chest and rests his head on his knees. The dizziness that accompanied his anxiety is expected, but it still makes his heart speed up a little more.
Minho had gone to the company a few hours ago, saying he needed to practice some dances. He didn’t really, Jisung knew that Minho had all the dances perfected. It was just his way of dealing with the stress of the new comeback. He had to move to distract himself from what was happening in his head.
Jisung wishes he was like that. Instead, he’s curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor, trying to make his lungs keep working. Part of him wishes Minho would just come back already, to make him feel better like he always does. The rest of him hopes he won’t see him like this.
It’s always the same thoughts in Jisung’s head when his anxiety is flaring up like this. The shame of not being able to handle the same things that Minho seemed to have no trouble with. The fear that he would think less of him.
He starts scratching his leg, trying to ground himself. He knows Minho hates when he does it, so he usually tries not to, but the feeling of his nails scraping against his skin feels like the only thing keeping him tethered to the world around him, so he tries to focus on it.
He squeezes his eyes tightly, feeling his heart rate increase. He tips his head back to rest on the cabinet behind him, trying to calm himself down. His breathing is coming in short gasps and rough exhales.
He should get something sour. That usually helps a bit. He keeps candy in his bag for when things like this happen, but the thought of standing up and walking all the way to his bedroom just to get it sounded worse than sitting here in a pathetic ball.
He tries to think of something else to do to calm himself down, but his mind is blank. All he can think about is how hard his heart is beating. His head feels like it’s spinning, and he’s so fucking nauseas.
He’s gone through this so many times before, so why can’t he just fix it?
He feels tears start to fall down his face as the overwhelm of the moment takes over. Why can’t he just handle things like a normal person? He wants to call Minho. He doesn’t care about being embarrassed anymore, he just wants this feeling to go away.
He swipes at his face with his hands to get rid of the tears, and then puts a hand over his heart, trying to calm himself down. When that doesn’t work, he goes back to scratching his leg.
He puts his head back in between his knees and lets himself cry some more. He hates this. The nausea in his stomach, the thumping of his heart, the inability to get a breath in. He isn’t even sure what triggered it.
He’d been doing so well with his anxiety lately, that he almost forgot that this is what his life is. A constant feeling in the back of his mind that chooses random times to make him feel like he’s dying. It’s really a fucking joyride.
He tries to ignore the thoughts swirling through his head, but it’s hard when it feels like that’s the only thing that even exists in this moment.
He’s so caught up in it that Jisung doesn’t hear the door open, and he certainly doesn’t hear the footsteps that come after. He barely registers the grasp on his wrist gently prying his hand off his leg.
Minho’s helped Jisung calm his anxiety countless times before, so he knows what helps and what makes it worse. He squeezes Jisung’s hand, letting the boy know that he’s here. He doesn’t want to overwhelm him more than he already is.
“Jisungie?” He says the name a couple times before Jisung squeezes his hand back.
Minho lets out a small sigh of relief now that he’s responding to him.
“Jagi, can you take a deep breath with me?” Minho makes a show of taking a big breath, making sure Jisung can hear him.
Jisung already feels a bit less panicked now that he’s not alone anymore. He tries taking a few shaky breaths, and as he continues they gradually get more stable and less jagged.
“That’s it Jagi, good job,” Minho praises. He can see Jisung calming down, his sobs quieting as his breaths deepen.
They sit there on the floor for a few more minutes, Minho gently rubbing his thumb over Jisung’s knuckles.
Jisung still has his eyes closed and his head between his knees. He may be less panicked, but the anxiety still lingers. He tugs lightly on Minho’s hand, hoping his boyfriend will pick up on his silent cue to come closer. Some days Jisung can’t handle physical touch after events like that, but some days it's very welcome. Today is one of the latter.
Minho seems to understand and shifts to sit next to Jisung, still holding his hand and putting the other one on the boy's head to run his fingers through the dark strands.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Minho asks quietly. He’s learned that keeping everything as calm and as quiet as possible afterwards helps Jisung not panic again.
Jisung simply shakes his head. He’s sure Minho will ask him about it again later, once he’s calmed down a bit. Until then, Minho just continues softly stroking his head, running his fingers through the younger boy's hair.
Jisung doesn’t know how long they stay on the kitchen floor, but he knows it’s long enough for his body to start to ache. He takes his head out from between his knees and stretches his neck out, finally opening his eyes. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the lights in the apartment, but once they do he looks over at Minho, who’s already looking at him. Jisung feels his face heat up a bit, a mixture of embarrassment and gratefulness for his boyfriend.
Minho does a once over of Jisung’s face, noticing his puffy eyes and dried tear tracks that go down his face. He presses a kiss onto his forehead and pulls jisung into his lap
Jisung immediately curls into Minho’s shoulder, hiding his face away from his boyfriend. He can’t help but feel like a burden to Minho. He sometimes wonders if Minho is tired of having to help him whenever life becomes too much for him. He must be annoyed. A wave of guilt washes over him before he can stop it. Minho loves him. Of course he isn’t tired of him, right?
Jisung takes a deep breath so he doesn’t end up spiralling again.
Minho rubs his back for a moment before pulling back a bit to look Jisung in the eyes.
“Sungie, how about we go to the bathroom so I can put some ointment on your leg,” he says cautiously, knowing the younger will probably beat himself up about it. Minho has seen Jisung scratching his legs on countless occasions, often using it to try and stay grounded when he is having anxiety. It’s often harmless, but on some occasions when his anxiety is especially bad, it can be worse. Minho understands why he does it, but whenever he notices it, he tries to stop him. He hates the thought of Jisung hurting himself, even if he doesn’t mean to do it.
Jisung nods silently, not wanting to approach the topic. He starts to stand, but before he can, Minho is suddenly swooping him up into his arms. Jisung lets out a small surprised sound before wrapping his arms around his lover's neck. He lets himself relax in Minho's arms, wrapping himself around him. Minho brings him into the bathroom and sits him down on the toilet lid.
Jisung stares at his hands as Minho looks around for the first aid kit. He must zone out because he doesn’t realize that Minho has found the ointment until he is kneeling in front of him. He feels Minho roll up his pant leg and start rubbing in the cream. He feels the strong stinging and bites down on his lip to keep from hissing. Jisung knows that the cream helps the raw kin heal, but fuck does it burn like a bitch.
Jisung can’t help but feel ashamed. He shouldn’t have scratched his leg raw like that. He should have had more restraint, but something about it felt nice, even if the raw skin is now stinging worse than before.
It takes a minute for Minho to rub all the cream in, and after he finishes the job, Minho puts a bandage over the red skin so that it doesn’t rub against Jisung’s clothing. Both boys are silent the entire time, each lost in thought.
“All done Jisungie,” Mimho says, standing up and kissing his boyfriend on the forehead. Minho takes Jisung's hands and helps him up, leading him to their shared bedroom. He gently tugs him onto the bed and into his arms. Jisung can’t help but cuddle into Minho.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Minho asks again, hoping the answer will be yes. He would never force Jisung to tell him what's wrong, but he knows it helps him process it more. It also helps Minho understand what's going on in his brain better.
Jisung is quiet for so long that Minho assumes he’s not getting anything out of the boy, but he eventually nods against Minho’s chest.
“I don’t even really know what it was exactly. It just kinda came out of nowhere,” Minho stays silent as his boyfriend speaks. Jisung has explained before how sometimes his anxiety comes around randomly at times. He could be having a great day, and then suddenly not be able to breathe. Minho can’t imagine how tiring that must be, and so he tries to help Jisung in any way he can.
“I was doing so good, Hyung. I was feeling good all day,” Jisung says with a quiver in his voice. Minho rubs his back gently as he says this, not wanting Jisung to spiral again, knowing how easy it can be for him to get lost in his thoughts after an episode like this.
“I just want to be normal again. I hate this. I hate that I can't handle everything like you can. I hate that my stupid brain works like this,” Jisung says, his voice getting increasingly more shaky as he talks.
“You are normal, Sung. Just because your brain works a little differently from mine doesn’t mean anything. And you know that I can't handle everything all the time either. You can’t be so hard on yourself. You work so hard Jagi, and you are so strong." At this point, Jisung has a few scattered tears falling down his face. Minho brings his thumb to his face and gently wipes them away.
“It’s just hard to deal with sometimes,” Jisung says after a moment of silence. It’s not even close to fully describing how he feels, but it’s the best thing he can think of at the moment. He doesn’t want to keep talking. He wants to cuddle with his boyfriend and forget about everything.
“I know it must be, but you will always have me. I’ll always be here whenever you need me,” Minho proclaims, pressing a kiss onto Jisung’s lips.
Minho smiles down at Jisung, seeing his eyes brighten up a little bit.
“Why don’t we watch a movie? Your pick,” Minho suggests, wanting to give Jisung a break from the questions. Jisung smiles and sits up a bit. Minho always knows just what to do, just what to say. Even on his bad days, when things get hard, Jisung knows he can rely on Minho. He knows that when he is with Minho, everything will be fine.