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XADDY DAYCARE
When i said watching my daughter would be fine, i was wrong
Yes she was adorable and very well behaved last night but apparently my lack of experience as a dad was teaching me that toddlers have very specific energy levels
i was only in Dc for three days as part of my press tour before me and my crew headed to Switzerland for a six-week training camp and then comp season.
i thought i was doing Violet a favour by helping her out while she was in class and getting to know the little girl i didn't even know existed until last night.
Bodhi and Garrick had gone with me as well because of course, they had. i think that my best friend and Cousin just wanted to see me suffer, but they wouldn't ever admit it
by the time we got to the shared apartment that Violet had texted me the address of i was already freaking out .
when we arrived Lyra was down for her early nap and Violet was getting ready for class, her friends, including my foster brother and their roommates, had already left, and surprisingly, the apartment was shining clean, which for five bedrooms which i counted and a nearly two year old i didn't expect, but i had no right to judge with the state of our shared hotel room back at the hilton after the fight with Liam and Bodhi and Garrick last night.
Before Violet left for class, she gave me specific instructions. The time Lyra takes her nap. When her pull-ups need changing. What she likes to eat and drink in her sippy cup. The exact way she likes her apple slices (apparently a smiley face arrangement). Where Deigh the dragon lives and that he must be within arm's reach at all times.
i took notes on my phone, just quick dot points that i thought would help later. Garrick laughed at me
"You're taking notes for a toddler's basic morning routine."
''She's my kid''
''You haven't even known her for a full day yet, honey bear'''
''Shut up''
before she left for class, Violet hovered by the door for a full three minutes before she finally left, shooting me a look that said if anything happens to her I will end you. I nodded. I understood.
Violet put the tiny sleeping Todler in my arms and quietly shut the door as she grabbed her keys and bag
and as Lyra subconusly clung to me in her sleep i let myself have a geuine smile for the first time in months
HOUR ONE - (the mellow version)
Lyra stayed asleep for 40 good minuites before she finally awoke, i was sitting on the couch in what i thought was the living room as garrick was on his phone texting his Girlfriend back home and Bodhi was awardkly reading his book.
this gave me time to just which gave me time to... sit there. hold her. Not move. i could barely breathe because my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. i'd held babies before and i was fine, but that was diffrent they weren't mine i hadn't just missed nearly two full lives of a tiny humans life only to find out she existed two days before i would be leaving the country for a training camp. Me and Violet had made this when we didn't even know who each other was in just one rushed night after my big air final at the winter games.
back when we were just Violet and Xaden and our last names were a mystory
but here i was holding OUR baby, but she wasn't a baby anymore, she was nearly two and she knew me before i knew who she was, she remembered my face, this would eat me with guilt for the rest of my life but i was here now and i wasn't going anywhere, just like how i didn't want to let Violet who was clearly (no matter how many times i told myself she wasn't and that that one night meant nothing) the woman of my dreams disapear again.
My eyes drifted while Lyra slept.
The apartment was small but lived-in. Mismatched furniture. A stack of textbooks on the coffee table with Violet's name written in sharpie on the edges. A sippy cup on the counter. A tiny pair of pink boots by the door.
And photos. So many photos.
They were everywhere, taped to the fridge, pinned to a corkboard by the kitchen, lined up on a shelf near the TV. A timeline of a life I'd missed.
I spotted the first one and my chest caved in.
Lyra as a newborn.
She was wrapped in a hospital blanket, eyes still squeezed shut, tiny fist curled near her face. Violet was holding her, sitting in what looked like a hospital bed, and she looked barely eighteen. Exhausted. Pale. But she was smiling, a soft, broken kind of smile that I recognised because I'd seen it on her face that night at the Games, right before she'd fallen asleep on my chest.
She was alone in the photo
Just her and this tiny human she'd made with a stranger whose name she barely knew.
the next one hit harder, Lyra looked a little bit older, not by very much but bigger in the sense that her feet were in pink booties and she was wearing a onesie with penguins on it
She was being held by someone I recognised immediately.
Liam.
My foster brother. My kid brother in every way that mattered. He was grinning at the camera, one arm around Lyra, the other thrown around the shoulders of a girl with the same blonde hair and his same smile.
Sloane.
Liam's sister. My foster siblings. They'd been there. They'd been here, in this apartment, holding my daughter, while I was on the other side of the world competing for medals I didn't even care about anymore.
I stared at that photo for a long time.
Liam looked happy. Sloane looked soft in a way I'd never seen her. And Lyra my daughter was laughing at something off-camera, her little hands reaching for something I couldn't see.
They'd been her family when I couldn't be.
I didn't know whether to feel grateful or gutted. I felt both.
there were more photos that i saw including what must have been her first birthday and heaps of Violet, Liam and their friends and just some of Lyra too.
Two years, a whole life i'd been too much of a coward to find and fight for, that the girl i had thought and told my friends used me had made and raised.
i felt Lyra start to squrim before her eyes opened and she smiled at me before she said my name
her gold eyes - My eyes looked at me with such love that i could only imagine came from Violet, Lyra may have had my skin and my eyes but the rest of her was pure Violet , Her heart was pure Violet and that was the most important thing
''Papa?'' she giggled
My heart stopped.
"Yeah," I said, my voice wrecked. "That's me."
She nodded once, satisfied, and then her face lit up as though she'd just remembered something important.
"COOKIE?" she demanded.
Garrick burst out laughing from the couch. Bodhi choked on his book.
And just like that, the chaos began.
HOUR TWO (The Chaos Princess )
If I thought a nearly two year old girl would be relaxed and mellow after a morning nap I was wrong and past me was banging his head against the wall.
turns out Lyra Asher only regained energy after a morning nap and had indeed found a chocolate chip cookie that was left on the Kitchen counter
“Papa “
”Yes little Dragon?”
”cookie ?””
”would Mama let you have a cookie?”
”ye”
I caved , I heard my best friend and my cousin snorting and some part of my brain was telling me not to give a freshly napped toddler sugar but I caved and cut it up for her anyway . I would regret that later .
it wasn’t even 20 minutes later that I was suffering my punishment.
Bodhi being the quiet and gentle guy (unlike me ) that he was was just trying to read her a book she she grabbed one of his curls
“ping”
”ow Lyra , can you be gentle please?”
Bodhi was good with kids, he coached back home at the ranch and he knew what to do better than I did but it still appeared that the picture book with fairies was doing absolutely nothing to calm Lyra down .
“PING , Bo Bo “ she giggled as Bodhi rubbed his eyes with his hands
“You’re adorable Lyra, you have your papa wrapped around your finger and me to, but let’s finish this book then you can show me your room if you like?”
”Bo Bo yes “ she nods her little head as she grabs his hand and he goes back to reading
Garrick, who’s finally stopped texting Imogen looks up and snorts before he starts talking.
”Baby honey bear come here come to uncle Garrick “
Lyra looks at Garrick as though he’s grown a third head and Bodhi has to stop whatever sentence he was just reading to her. And Lyra who is clearly very displeased that the book has been paused looses it
“No Honey Bear” except because she’s not even two yet it sounds like “No hone bea”
I don’t mean she looses it like a simple I don’t want it mode I mean a full blown tantrum, which for myself and Garrick who haven’t spent much time around tiny humans we don’t know how to help her calm down
“I WANT Bo Bo ” Lyra screams as she thrashes on the floor and her little limbs follow as she hyperventilates . And tears fall from her face and she sniffs before she screams again
I gently move from where I was giving my cousin and her some space on the couch over to her side and I can see Garrick who’s once again gotten his phone out and is no doubt googling how to handle tantrums in a toddler .
“little dragon” I say as I gently sit a bit closer to her and Bodhi puts the book down as he also sits down on the floor
“NO” Lyra continues to scream as she grabs the book and throws it .
she’s not even two and she already has my aim. Poor Violet
Garrick who clearly doesn’t understand that Lyra does not in fact want a cuddle from him right now tries again
“Baby honey bear , do you want an uncle Garrick Cuddle? I can get you a cookie? “
Lyra who’s clearly annoyed with her book time and Bodhi time being interrupted screams again
“I don’t want YOU” she wails as she finds her sippy cup that has orange juice in it and throws it at Garricks direction
to be fair Garrick is build like a shithouse and he’s probably scaring her too
Garrick who finally seems to get the hint backs off
“Okay I’m sorry I was just trying to make you smile “
” Go away bear”
she snaps at him
he puts his arms up as he dramatically fakes being stabbed in the chest and she sticks her tounge out as him as she clings to my cousin and I catch Garrick talking under his breath
She gently pats Bodhi’s hair again as she offers me the sippy cup as though it’s a peace offering. And I thank her .
Bodhi who can’t hide it anymore giggles and finishes the fairy book and Lyra eventually waddles over to me and puts her arms up as if to say pick me up .
she does eventually let Garrick hug her if he stops calling her baby honey bear - that’s what my brain translates from toddler bables to adult language I think.
I get a text from Violet who’s clearly finished her first main class for the day and has a break , she says that there’s some craft supplies in the cupboard and I regret giving Lyra the paint .
I’m falling more and more in love with Violet and to think it’s all because of Lyra
by 12 pm we’ve cleaned up two walls that are covered in purple paint and I’m very close to sending Violet a check because of the purple mess that won’t come out . But Lyra is very proud of her artwork and you can’t really argue with a toddler
Hour Three (the messy goblin )
by one pm after I’ve checked with Violet I’ve whipped up a kid friendly lunch for myself Bodhi and Garrick and cut the sandwich into bite sized chunks for Lyra she’s told us all about a show called Bluey which apparently she watches with Lee Lee (Liam I’ve learnt )
We took her for a small walk in her toddler pram to help her food digest and because she was so excited to show us the trees and dirt (I’m learning new things every second ) and while past me would have cringed and rolled my eyes I’m finding it fascinating learning all about Lyra
“Dat a bird Papa” Lyra says as she points at the sky as I hold the pram and we walk arround the neighbourhood. It’s a bit cold today so we’ve wrapped Lyra up with some extra clothes
Bodhi and Garrick are still sticking around and have apparently become just as fascinated with my daughter as I have
“yes little dragon it is a bird “
“Big bird” she says
Garrick, who’s spotted a kids store is practically dragging Bodhi in
“Bods, she needs a book”
”She has enough books Garrick”
”But she was angry with me , what if we got her a book about snowboarding?”
”you really think a kids toy store will have snowboarding books for kids?”
Sure enough me cousin and best friend spent 30 minutes in a bookstore and toy store and emerged with two massive bags, one that’s full of books and one that’s full of toys .
I buy her a beanie that looks like a penguin and she squeals with excitement when she lets me put it on her head as she kicks the pram
it makes my heart beat uncontrollably. There’s no way I’m not coming back after my camp.
I can’t belive Violet made this beautiful little girl and raised her even when her own life was falling apart. From now on I will never let her feel alone ever again and will be there for every
moment going forward
Before we go back to the apartment we stop for afternoon tea and we share a peice of chocolate cake. While I have a black coffee and Bodhi and Garrick get a latte to wake them back up .
I’ve always loved chocolate cake since before my mother left on my tenth birthday and I don’t expect a toddler to like the bold flavour By apparently Lyra is like me and devours it. It isn’t as good as a homemade recipe but it’s still good and I’ll be sure to thank Violet for the cafe suggestion.
I wonder if Violet likes to cook with Lyra . When I was making lunch for us all I saw some leftover food in containers in the fridge. I hope Violet gets to do normal things too she’s still young and deserves to be happy.
we’re almost back to the apartment when Lyra decides she doesn’t want to wear her shoes and takes them off
“No shoes”
“Lyra we’re nearly home can you put your shoe on for me?” Bodhi asks her
“No shoe” she responds , somehow along the way we stopped at a playground and Lyra showed us all the flowers and dirt she enjoys. And now she has a dirt stained face and she’s very proud of herself and refuses to let me wipe it off her I panicked when I saw her try and eat it but she did spit it out .
we’ve also learned how to change her nappy didn’t have any major issues or accidents.
she’s been a good girl today all things considered and I definitely don’t want to leave her longer than I have to .
as Bodhi try’s to put her shoes on her little feet once more she kicks them off and Bodhi sighs
“Maybe Daddy bear should try?”
Garrick speaks up
“Daddy bear?” Lyra asks ?
“Yeah” Garrick says as Lyra looks at me and I take a deep breath before I murder my best friend.
“he’s not daddy bear he’s Papa” Lyra says as she hands a shoe to Garrick
I kiss her forehead as she giggles and Garrick smiles .
when we get back to the apartment we do a little clean up before we put an episode of Bluey on for her as she scribbles some drawings for us I can’t quite work out what they are but she gives one to each of us and I know I’ll treasure them
“Dat for Papa” she says as she gives me a piece of paper with three scribbles
“Looks great little dragon what is it?”
”snowman “
she gives Bodhi a peice of paper that has four scribbles in red ink and Garrick the same .
It doesn’t seem like much time at all before I hear the front door open and see Violet and I’ll admit a small part of my heart goes crazy when I see the mother of my child and the girl I fell in love with at those games . But I try to stay calm and not embarrass myself.
“how was she?” Violet asks as she looks to where Lyra is sitting on the floor scribbling her little heart out as Bluey plays in the background
“good” I respond as Violet sighs with relief and puts her bag down
“thank you” she smiles
“Violet you don’t need to thank me she’s my daughter too, I meant what I said, I’m really fucking sorry I didn’t fight for you or find you, but I want to do this , with you both, no matter what she’s incredible, and you you are amazing“
“Xaden”
“I’m so fucking pissed that the tour is right now I don’t want to miss her birthday but I’ll be back”
”you look exhausted , she has that effect at this age “ Violet adds as she offers me a glass of water
“She’s a bit energetic but she’s very protective “
Violet laughs
“you really want to be her dad? What about your athletic commitments? What about Switzerland and training and Collardo , she won’t mind if you don’t want to be there for her I don’t want to force you to do this Xaden I’ve managed okay with my sister and friends for two years so far”
”Violet “ I can see that her hand is trembling as I gently look to her for consent before she nods and I gently take it and intwine my own massive hand arround it
“She called me Papa, Vi , last night before she even met me she knew who I was because despite all of the shit between our parents you told her who I was, you made her feel loved and wanted and kept her safe and she’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and your asking me if I don’t want her? I missed two years because I was a coward Violet , I spent two years thinking that night was just a one night stand and that’s all it was meant to be and everything’s gone downhill from there, call me crazy violence but don’t you think the universe is trying to tell us something?”
she whipes a tear off her eye that I didn’t realise she had as she nods before she adds
“Okay, we’ll try this while you’re in Switzerland, we’ll text we’ll call well I don’t even know But you’re right, Lyra deserves to be a kid with parents who love her not parents who hate each other because of their own parents”
I nod as she thanks me before I find the others and give my daughter a hug and tell her I’ll be back before she knows it
god I hate leaving them like this but this time I have something worth fighting for , I have a family
I have an opportunity to be the father I never had growing up and I have more reason than ever to become someone Lyra and Violet can be proud of .