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It's a silly little thing, honestly. Maybe he's become too naive, too giddy for his own good, and Watarai knows betting too much on expectations will only leave you with a broken heart. But—well, for once, he's allowed himself to feel, to be free, and that's only because Hioki told him that was fine that he does, even with Nakasato and Hotta's misplaced ministrations during that school trip. He didn't really want them to pry too hard because he didn't want them to ruin it for Hioki. Maybe they were warning him.
Or Hioki chose to ignore it.
…Watarai's getting too carried away. He's stepping in a little too deep. Maybe he actually has, since it's been a long time coming, and Nakasato and Hotta were right: he really does get too invested.
But it feels different. It's not like with his previous relationship. It feels bad to think about it that way; after all, it's not like his ex-girlfriend had done anything wrong. He did care for her… but, perhaps, not in the way that's expected for a boyfriend to care about his girlfriend. Watarai thinks he did much less, which is a bit strange, since he cares for Hioki, too.
Maybe much more than he did for her.
He doesn't know if it's the right term, though. Care might not be the right word, because he's so sure it's a deep, untreatable neuroticism he made some concession with long ago as some form of self-preservation. Sit pretty, act pretty. The Big 4 is an exclusive clique of people with everything everyone could want in their lives! Aren't you thankful so many people look up to you? Aren't you happy at the pedestal sitting atop your glass case? Just don't look down, and don't fall. It isn't even better that way. People want a piece of you, regardless. They leave fingerprints on the glass and call dibs on you like they knew how to appreciate aquarium fish when they'd probably feel honored making a crack on that pane.
Can you blame him—that Watarai feels safe with Hioki?
So maybe it is a little funny that Hioki can stand there, hand him a love letter, and have his stomach sink as his brain attributes that feeling to something akin to betrayal.
He probably should have expected it. It's what he had loved about Hioki, after all. Sweet and kind Hioki who saw the good in anyone even when he didn't have to. Watarai received that kindness firsthand. It's not hard to think that other people would be recipients of that, too.
"Is it really that bad for me to talk to other people?"
Yes, Watarai wanted to say. Don't look at them. Don't talk to them. Look at me, only me.
In a split second of clarity, he instead said, "N-no, it's not that…"
Explain himself. Stumble on his words and tried to say the right words without sounding a tiny bit crazy, and he continued, "Let's get married." Because maybe Watarai is a little bit crazy, if not shameless. He was just trying to plant himself even harder in Hioki's heart because there was no one better. He's the best Watarai ever had. He'll ever have. There's a thin line between dedication and obsession, and he's standing on the far side of devotion. Tell him just how utterly serious Watarai is before getting pulled away to another confession from another girl who doesn't know him and doesn't know her, and sometimes he just has to wonder when the universe will take a hint—or if it thinks it's funny so it just keeps sending them his way.
Because it's unfair for Hioki. He shouldn't dare impose his own irrationalities on Hioki, because this is something only Watarai should deal with himself. But it's cunning, almost, that Hioki didn't even do as much as defend himself, and instead considered Watarai's feelings first before his own. And isn't that way more unfair for Watarai to let him think that he already has any claim or monopoly over Hioki when he hadn't even responded to his confession yet?
Yeah, Nakasato and Hotta were right. Watarai is suffocating. Hioki might drown before his head even dips into the water.
Before Hioki even got that letter, Watarai had already been watching, feeling like someone else had been stomping his heart when it wasn't even his in the first place. He wanted to grab his wrist, ask that girl (and Hioki's friends) what are you doing with something that's mine and realize, no, that's not his. And Watarai's helpless against it. His kindness and patience had only been reserved for Hioki, and maybe he's really not the good person Hioki thinks he is.
He wanted to justify it, though. Watarai is protective of the things he loves, and he loves Hioki, but he has to remind himself that loving someone isn't the same thing as having them. He's invested, he's jealous, but Watarai's never been so selfish. All these people want a piece of him without even knowing what he's truly like, while the only person he wants is standing there, devoid of all the answers Watarai wants, holding a love letter he didn't even write.
Because Hioki is so kind, too considerate of others, always so ready to shoulder any blame instead of considering himself. Watarai wants to protect it. The rest of the world doesn't deserve someone like Hioki roaming around if he's this gracious to people he doesn't even think about. That's why he's so drawn to him—Watarai wants to protect that innocence, that purity, and he wonders how much of it is him actually wanting to keep Hioki safe from the malice of the world and how much of it is self-interest. Love shouldn't make you this greedy.
Owning, staking your claim. Marry me instead, Watarai told him, because he is selfish, and he doesn't know how to actually keep someone when all everyone else has been doing is throw themselves at his feet. Hioki is the only one who refuses to kneel, because he is so damn considerate; he just wants to ask why Hioki hadn't said yes instead of handing him some letter from someone who didn't even have the guts to show their face to him. He doesn't give a damn about giving them the time of day.
Hioki, by all means, is innocent in this. But Watarai slaps the letter out of his hand because love makes you impatient and stupid, with the way it makes Watarai want to scratch his throat and gouge his eyes out and fuck, I accidentally lashed out at Hioki.
If that person doesn't deserve Watarai's answer, then maybe Watarai doesn't deserve Hioki's answer, either. He takes the letter, mutters a pathetic I'm sorry and escapes Hioki's sight, feeling like he just stomped his own heart with how Hioki looked at him after his rejection. But it's funny that Watarai still wants Hioki regardless. Instead of his first kiss, all Hioki got was his first heartbreak.
The only consolation Watarai allows himself is ripping up the confession letter as he walks out of the school. What's the point if they don't give these words to you directly? What's the point if Hioki will never say these things to Watarai himself?
He'd burn all these love letters just so Hioki can give him one chance.