Work Text:
Ni-ki was actually going to punch someone. Preferably the dumbass CEO of this company or whoever decided that a 5 AM dance session followed immidiately by an interview was a good idea. Don't get him wrong it's definitely been worse. He's been getting more than 3 hours of sleep at night is one and the trainers seem to be more- lenient with them ever since Bang Chan sunbae- Chan-hyung talked to some executive producers working at HYBE. But there was still a lot missing.
Exhibit A: Concerts and Performances. While their schedule had slightly been more spaced out, their performances were a mess. Sure, HYBE had finally gotten a replacement manager till their original one came back from parental leave but she was- and Ni-ki was not exaggerating here- god awful. The middle-aged women with a stern look and tight bun was the strictest and most up-tight adult he had ever met in his life. Their schedule looked like a military timetable. It was better than the chaotic overworking demon the previous one had been but the members rarely found the time to even relax and breathe. Their performances were all squished into one week which was ridiculous and frankly for both Enhypen AND Engenes. Jungwon had tried countless times to reason with this exact point but they never relented. Ni-ki still couldn't figure out if they were just plain stupid and bad at actually listening to customers (Engenes were ferociously protesting at this) or just wanted to make their lives more miserable.
Exhibit B: Constructive Feedback. It simply did not exist. It seemed like someone had drained the happiness out of all their trainers, teachers, choreographers and producers. More than a dozen times Ni-ki was scolded for being either "too loud" or "too quiet and brooding". No matter what he did it was "do more" or "do less" or "work harder". He couldn't catch a break. He had nearly snapped when one of the producers had scolded him for speaking his native language. Apparently Japanese was "too unsuitable for a k-pop idol to speak outside of fan-service" and "he should've learnt by now that Korean should be his default". Like?? Also his hyungs. Oh my god how he wanted to yell at that vocal trainer after he made Sunoo-hyung repeat the same line over a hundred times, each rerun followed by gruesome and harsh and downright cruel words shot at the oldest of their maknae line. Each time he could see the confidence chip away from the older and it broke his heart.
And finally Exhibit C: Vacations. Enhypen hadn't had a vacation longer than 3 days since before their debut really. They were told the workload would get easier as the years went by and they would get one or two weeks off after comeback season finished each time. Now here they were several years after debut and right after a comeback with one day of rest before being thrust back into dancing and vocal lessons. It had been so long since he had seen his family. Hugged his parents and sisters. Breathed in the smell of his childhood bedroom. He was so unbearably homesick it physically hurt his chest just to think about home. He knew Jake-hyung felt the same. He caught him staring at photos of Layla in the middle of the night a few times.
So, yeah things were not going great. They were better. But not great. Ni-ki stood in front of the mirror in their practice room with his members around him going through the same routine over and over again. Even he, a person who adored dancing more than anything, was going insane from the repetition.
"Jungwon-hyung it's turn then the leg kick, remember?", Ni-ki furrowed his eyebrows at their leader, who normally was the most focused out of them all.
"Right...", Jungwon replied, eyes hazy and Jungwon- the Jungwon that had the best stamina out of all of them- actually yawned. Without noticing. And without putting his hand over his mouth like always. (He refused to not cover his mouth when yawning even when they were in the dorms saying it was basic decency and they should learn better manners.)
"You ok there, Wonie?", Jay asked, concern in his voice. Sure, they were all tired but this was another level of exhaustion even for 5 AM. Plus, they had gone to bed early the past couple of days.
"Fine", Jungwon snapped to their surprise but then sighed apologetically, "sorry I'm just- tired I guess."
"We'll be back at the dorms before you know it", Sunghoon encouraged but they all knew that was a blatant lie.
Ni-Ki sighed replaying the song again and following the routine impeccably as always. Any other person would say he's perfect. The star dancer. The bright and talented maknae of the group. But the members could see. His family could see. He himself could see. The passionate kid with Shinee posters plastered in his room that jumped to dance with his sisters at every chance was gone. In its place was a man shaped hardly by constant pressure and hardships having learnt far too early in life that he was just a prop of the entertainment industry.
He cared too much about what other people thought. He listened too much to the comments of so-called fans and instructors. He changed his personality drastically every day until he could barely recognise his childish smile in the mirror. But he was very close to his breaking point after one specific encounter.
They were all out filming another EN-CODE for their channel. Ni-ki was holding the camera, a resting bitch face plastered on and walked alongside Heeseung as they wandered about in a mall in the US.
"Excuse me are you Chinese?", a rather rude passerby suddenly asked. Obviously not knowing who they were.
"No, Korean", Ni-ki huffed not even hesitating for a second.
The stranger had smiled sheepishly before walking away. Heeseung suddenly started laughing as Ni-ki realised.
"Oh my god-", he muttered under his breath, 'I just said I'm Korean."
"Happens to the best of us, Riki", Heeseung patted the younger's shoulder, "I think Jake ranted about childhood in Korea only to realise he didn't even grow up there."
Ni-ki had just laughed then but later in the middle of the night he still lay awake. Why did his own name Riki feel so weird? Since when was his default answer to his nationality "Korean"? Since when did he think in fucking Korean?
He missed Japan. He missed dancing with his sisters. He missed his parents. He missed speaking the language every day. He missed his childhood. And he missed feeling like himself. He couldn't even recognise the little boy shining on stage fueled with passion that had once performed with Shinee so many years ago.
He missed home.
<3
Jungwon was eternally grateful to Chan. Really. The elder had practically saved his job and sanity in the span of two days. And he was so kind about it. Which was the exact reason why he couldn't reach out again. The leader of Stray Kids had already done so much and put his own reputation at risk just to make his job a little easier. Easier but not easy. Not even close to enjoying. Their replacement manager was a fiery woman, who didn't hesitate to speak all her thoughts out loud. The type to completely break down one's self-esteem and then say "it builds character, sweets". And she seemed to love to schedule things in god forbidden hours of the morning. Like a dance session at 5 AM.
It would be an understatement if Jungwon said he wasn't sleeping well. Even when the group went to sleep quite early he tossed and turned till the dead of night. And even when he finally fell asleep he would either be woken up by a message from their company or he jerked awake thinking he missed a message from the company. And about 4 out of 10 times he had. His sleep schedule was very very bad to say the least at a concerning level. But he didn't have time to complain, they were schedules to be discussed and dance routines to memorise.
The worst night had been just a few days ago.
For the fifth time in the span of an hour Jungwon jerked awake, sighing he checked his phone. 3:34 am. No new notifications. Well, except for the Duolingo Bird saying he was dissapointed in him. He wasn't the only one. Groaning he got out of bed, tiredly walking to the living room to get a glass of water.
"Can't sleep?", Jay suddenly interrupted the night-time silence.
"Oh my god hyung don't scare me like that!", Jungwon cursed as he walked over to the dispenser attatched to their fridge door and poured himself a glass of cold water, "what'd you think?"
"You seem to have trouble sleeping a lot these days, Won", Jay furrowed his eyebrows.
"I'm fine", the leader huffed, "just- need some time."
"Come on.", Jay patted the spot on the couch beside him.
Jungwon crawled over laying down with his head in Jay's lap. Jay began to play with the younger's hair.
"You should go to bed.", Jungwon whispered.
"I want to stay up.", Jay smiled, "did I tell you the time I tried to make a sand castle out of rocks?"
They had spent the rest of the night talking and Jungwon had finally fallen asleep at four am.
The sleep deprivation was slowly eating away at his brain, he found himself zoned out far more often than he would've liked.
Like today.
"Jungwon-hyung it's turn then the leg kick, remember?", Ni-ki's voice suddenly reminded him.
When had they stopped the music? Scratch that- since when did he forget basic steps in their own dance?
"Right...", Jungwon managed to answer. Actually what time was it? How many minutes did they have till they had to drive to the venue for the interview? Did they even have enough time to sh-
"You ok there, Wonie?", Hay interrupted his mental layout of the day. Why did he look so concerned? Then he noticed the tears in his eyes. Oh did he yawn? He couldn't recall.
"Fine", Jungwon answered a bit more sharply than necessary, "sorry I'm just- tired I guess."
"We'll be back at the dorms before you know it.", Sunghoon smiled encouragingly.
Jungwon had to laugh at that. As if.
"Chop chop, peeps, we're 7 minutes behind schedule this is dissapointing.", their manager clapped her hands together as the members filed into the van.
Choi manager-nim in all her tight bun, tight lipped, tight frown glory shooed each singer into the vehicle without even much of a "good morning".
The drive to the venue of their interview was uneventful with at least half of the members falling asleep on the other half's shoulders. Jungwon sat calmly on either side of him Ni-ki and Sunoo dozing peacefully. He ran his pre-memorised lines through his head. Hello we are Enhypen. Our new album came out just a week ago, we hope you give it a listen! Thank you, Engenes!
"Hey", Jake poked his side from the seat diagonally in front of him, "stop worrying so much. You'll do great. We'll be fine. Like always."
But what if I'm not? Why does it have to be always? Why can't we not do great without being scared for our life?
"Yeah. We will be.", Jungwon smiled.
"Welcome to Korea Entertainment Magazine today we have some very special guests, who have just released their new album 9 days ago.", their interviewer gave the camera a dazzling smile, "Their title track has been topping charts worldwide and fans are fawning over their chariama and new concept. Please welcome ENHYPEN!"
"One, two, connect: Hello we are Enhypen!", they all said in unison bowing slightly, "it's an honour to be here."
"Oh the honour is all ours.", their interviewer replied, fiddling with her stack of cards, "now fans have sent us thousands of questions and we gathered the most interesting ones. We'll have 5 group questions then 2 per member. Sounds good? Ok, then let's get started!"
The 5 questions were pretty much the same with almost every interview. What was their new album about? How did it feel like being one of the most famous groups worldwide? Etc. Etc. Most of the questions were answered by Jungwon, who could recite his memorised lines without hesitation.
The personalised questions went by rather quick and Jungwon was embarrassed to admit that he had zoned out right until the interviewer turned to him.
"Now, Jungwon-ssi, we know you've answered this question many times already but viewers went a clear and honest answer to be made official with this interview: How does it feel like to become a leader of such a important group at a very young age? As well as being the second youngest?"
Jungwon stiffened slightly, not noticeable for the camera but enough for his members to glance at him. But he didn't hesitate. He was prepared for this sort of question. "I've always been told I seem to be meant for this role and I can't help but agree. I can't lie and say it wasn't hard. It's true I was very young when I debuted as leader but we all were. All seven of us were finding our path in a completely new territory but we made great friends in the process. To answer the question: It feels exciting. And I'm honoured to have played such a huge part in what Enhypen is now."
The interviewer grinned, satisfied with the answer. "Thank you for the answer. Now for your second question: You mentioned making new friends during your journey. Any noteable ones you would like to mention?"
Jungwon paused, thinking of an appropriate answer. "I've grown close to all TXT member, we all have really. But that was inevitable as we practically share practice rooms. Not long ago I've gotten closer to Bang Chan-sunbaenim from Stray Kids. We share conversations and he gives me tipps in leadership and handling these idiots from time to time."
Everyone laughed at that answer. The women nodded happily and turned to their maknae resuming their interview. Soon they were walking back to the van, heading back to the company for their private dance or singing lessons.
Jungwon stumbled as they reached the van, black dots dancing in his vision and gripping the nearest member's arm for balance.
"Jungwon?", Sunghoon asked concerned as he helped the younger steady himself.
"I'm fine. I'm fine.", Jungwon said but he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself or the others.
God, he couldn't go on like this.
<3
Sunoo was actually going to quit his job. Day and night he tried to be happy. To be uplifting. To be sunshine-y. But nooo it was him, who the teachers picked to ridicule. It was him that the fans picked apart. It was him whose voice never seemed to be enough.
And he was so sick of it.
After their monstrosity of a 5 AM dance session and relatively interesting interview, were the private lessons. He hated the private lessons. His vocal trainer was a man that made Choi-mangernim look like a goddamn puppy in comparison. The guy absolutely drilled lines into him, demanding more and more without a single break in sight. Sunoo's self-esteem crumbled each session like a sand castle crushed by an ocean wave. And he couldn't do anything about it.
In hindsight, maybe he should have told at least one of his members before bottling everything up in a glitter-filled balloon. Except the glitter was his pent-up emotions and not a sparkly birthday decoration. But c'mon how and when would that even start? Their schedule worked ticked by like clockwork. The members would immidiately collapse into bed sometimes even without eating dinner most days. When the hell should he go up to one of them and say: "Hey, my voice is trying to get me fired and I feel like the most useless being on Earth, what do you want to order for dinner?"
He guessed some people might call it self-deprecation. He called it having a sense of humour.
"Sunoo-ssi", the 50-something year old man hadn't even looked up from his monitor when Sunoo entered.
"Good afternoon.", Sunoo said, fidgeting with his jacket.
"I want you to go over the same lines from last time.", the man stared at him over his glasses, "this time like you actually mean it, please."
Sunoo nodded and began to sing, pouring his heart into his voice. His vocal trainer held up a hand, stopping him.
"I need more emotion. Less power. Your voice is weak. I need you to make it blend in and stand out at the same time. Again.", the man huffed.
Literally every single word that just came out of his mouth contradicts itself.
Sunoo tried again unsure of what the man wanted.
"No!", a hand slammed the table, making Sunoo wince, "God, how can someone be so idiotic? More emotion. Stable vocals. Again."
And so it continued for another half an hour and Sunoo's voice was beginning to feel sore.
Just as the trainer for once looked satisfied Sunoo's voice decided to fuck him over and crack during the high note.
The trainer looked on the verge of yelling. "You're hopeless. You know what- we'll finish early today. Think about what I said. Get out."
"Sunoo?", Heeseung asked as Sunoo stepped into the dorm, "you shouldn't be here till 5- did something happen?"
"No, teacher just let me go early. No big deal.", the lie slipped off of his tongue naturally with no hesitation at all.
"That's good. We have about an hour till we need to head back to the company for the scheduled live. Go rest and take a shower."
"Thanks, hyung."
Sunoo sat in his room, twirling a pen in his fingers. Maybe he really should quit. He was just dragging the group down, right? It wasn't like they actually needed him. Things were supposed to be good. They had a huge fanbase and made a lot of money with every new song they brought out. But he couldn't help but think he was losing the spark that kept him going.
His dancing looked ordinary. His singing was even worse. Fans were complaining about his stage presence dimming. He didn't stand out. Not like Heeseung with his voice. Not like Jake with his charisma. Not like Ni-ki with his dancing.What kind of purpose did he even have?
What would happen if his voice would crack like that during a live performance?
"Hyung", Ni-ki's head peeped through the door.
"What's up?", Sunoo smiled but paused at the disheveled look of their youngest, "hey what's wrong."
"I miss it.", Ni-ki sighed, voice wavering.
"Miss what?", Sunoo asked confused.
Ni-ki paused and stared at the floor. "Home."
Sunoo's first instinct was ask Huh, we're at home right now. but then he realised. Ni-ki didn't mean the dorm. He meant Japan.
"Ah Ki come here. It'll all be ok. I promise.", Sunoo said wrapping the younger in a tight hug.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Shut up, brain.
"Brighten up, yeah? We have to leave for the live soon.", Sunoo ruffled through Ni-ki's hair.
"Thank you, hyung."
At least he's still good for something.
<3
Bang Chan sat in the studio bent over his laptop trying this and that. So what if they just finished a comeback? He was being productive... Fine, maybe he was overworking himself but that's his norm since 8 years. Cut him some slack.
Sighing, he turned away from the mixing programm and opened Tiktok. With his fan account of course. And, yes, he had a fan account.His display blinked, informing him that Enhypen was live. He shrugged. Why not? In hindsight, he probably should have checked on the younger group after the Inkigayo incident but he had been so busy until now it had completely slipped his mind.
The live looked ordinary from the surface. The seven sat in two rows of chairs with Jake in the middle and the others spread out around him. Wait- Jake was in the middle? Chan would've expected Jungwon or, hell, even Heeseung to be positioned there. Leader and eldest and all that. Not that Jake didn't deserve to be in the middle seat but itwas unusual for a scheduled official group live regarding their new album.
Jake was talking excitedly into the camera, smile not fully reaching his eyes but the spark was there. He talked about his favourite songs on their album and teased Engenes about some old songs resurfacing soon.
He was overcompensating. Chan couldn't help but think. Because while Jake spoke vigorously, around him the energy was depleted. Sunghoon sat beside Sunoo, who was smiling brightly like always but didn't even open his mouth to retort Jake's choice of songs. And Sunghoon seemed to have a arm wrapped around the younger. Sort of like a grounding presence. Like Minho did with Han. Ni-ki just looked sad. He sat on Heeseung's right side but his eyes were filled with longing. Chan couldn't guess for what. Heeseung also had an arm around him. Jungwon- Jungwon just looked tired. Physically and mentally. He was slightly leaning on Jay, who was playing with his hair. He blinked heavily, seeming to use all his energy when adding comments to Jake's talk but having to restrain himself from slumping after he quieted. Bang Chan knew that look too well.
Sleep deprivation.
It seemed like the other's didn't look nearly as tired as the leader, so Chan figured this was probably a personal issue. They looked better. All seven of them. But the three maknaes looked significantly worse compared to their hyungs.
And he was going to do something about it.
"We can't just stage an intervention on the whole of Enhypen, hyung.", Seungmin said.
"Who says we can't?", Chan asked.
"Our company? Their company? Conflicting schedules? Not even mentioning the fact that Enhypen didn't consent to this?", Minho pointed out.
"Then we'll make it work. We have to.", Chan was fiercely determined.
"Chan hyung's right.", Felix spoke up, "I'm worried about them. Problems like this don't get solved in one go. But maybe let's start slow. I can ask Jake what exactly each member's problems are and we can go from there."
"Isn't this like a huge invasion of their privacy?", Han asked.
"Maybe.", Chan paused, "but it's not like we're going to force them to talk with us. We're giving them a open offer."
"That might actually work."
Five days had gone by since Felix has messaged Jake, offering help and advice. The message had been read near instantly but remained unanswered. Chan was bgeinning to lose hope when Felix ran into his studio with his phone clutched in his hand.
"They agreed!", Felix said excitedly, "and Jake gave me a overview on some of their problems."
Chan scanned the list. Their new manager caused some minor problems, Ni-ki seemed more distant and admitted he was homesick, Sunoo was having trouble with self-esteem and his voice and Jungwon, like Chan had expected, couldn't stay asleep.
"I have an idea."
<3
Ni-ki stood outside the cafe, biting his lip nervously. When Jake had told them, Stray Kids was offering to help with their problems, he hadn't hesitated. Unlike some people. But now that he was minutes away from meeting a Stray Kids member for a "one-on-one talk", he was getting cold feet.
He contemplated just leaving when a man with blonde hair spotted him and waved him over. Too late.
"Hello.", Ni-ki greeted Felix with a small wave as he sat down.
"Hey", the older smiled, "Ni-ki, right?"
The maknae nodded. "So what's this supposed to be? A therapy session?"
Felix laughed. "No, not really, just a talk."
"Right...", Ni-ki said.
"You know when I first came to Korea as a trainee, I refused to be called Yongbok by anyone?", Felix suddenly spoke.
Ni-ki had to stiffle a laug. "Yongbok?"
"My grandfather named me.", Felix shrugged, "anyway, I snapped every time someone called me that. Demanding they call me Felix. Even if they couldn't pronounce it correctly. I was scared I would forget home if I stopped using my English name."
"Oh.", Ni-ki nodded, "I get it."
"You do?", Felix asked, not surprised.
"Mhm. I- lately when someone calls me Riki it feels so- foreign. Like it's not me. Like that Riki dissapeared years ago after I-Land. But I'm still Riki. I probably don't make any sense."
Felix shook his head. "No, you make a lot of sense. You still want to hold onto the person you were before debut but it feels like you already lost him."
Ni-ki looked up surprised. "Yeah. Exactly."
"That happens to almost every idol, Riki", Felix encouraged, "when was the last time you went home?"
Ni-ki paused. "I guess before debut. We go to Japan often but that's strictly work business."
Felix sat up in shock. "Wait, you haven't gone home since years?"
"Well, first was corona then we just didn't have the time.", Ni-ki nodded.
Felix sighed. "That- that shouldn't happen. But, unfortunately, there's not much I can do. What I can say is this: try as much as you can. Cook meals from home that you like or get someone else to cook them. You will cry when you eat them but you'll feel better afterwards. Speak as much Japanese as you can, no matter what people like to tell you. It's not the same thing as going home, but it'll lift the weight off your chest. And most importantly, talk about it."
"That's- really good advice.", Ni-ki blinked, "thanks hyung."
"No problem, Riki."
<3
"Ok, when I found out I was meeting someone from Stray Kids I didn't expect it to be you.", Sunoo admitted as he settled on the bench.
"I thought I'd be the best person to help you out.", Hyunjin smiled, "Jake told us you're having problems with your voice?"
Sunoo nodded relunctantly. "It just- refuses to cooperate."
Hyunjin nodded. "When my voice was doing that-"
"Wait, you?", Sunoo accidentally blurted out, "you're voice is amazing."
Hyunjin laughed. "Yeah, well I still was very close to giving up back when we were recording Karma."
"How'd you fix it?", Sunoo asked quietly.
"My members. Chan helped a lot, as well as Seungmin. Most of it wasn't even physical, I just got so worked up about it that it escalated. Had a whole breakdown in Chan's studio and all. If he hadn't caught me then- I actually think that would've been the end.", Hyunjin closed his eyes, as if imagining, "you need to trust yourself, Sunoo, as well as the others."
"I- I don't know how.", Sunoo stammered, "and my vocal teacher is a total asshole."
Hyunjin winced. "I had my fair share of asshole vocal trainers. But you need to try."
Sunoo nodded slowly. "Right. Maybe I'll try."
"That's all you have to do."
<3
"How do you do it?", Jungwon asked, picking at his cuticles.
"Do what?", Chan asked.
"Letting go of the responsibilities and just resting.", Jungwon answered nervously.
Chan sighed. "It's not easy. You have to get used to it. It took me several years and I still lay awake sometimes."
"But it does get better?", Jungwon looked up with tired eyes.
"It does, I promise."
"I don't get how you can put your foot down with staff and company.", Jungwon admitted, "I've seen the clips where one glare was enough to ensure the safety of your members, hyung. I just can't. I'm not brave enough."
"It's not about bravery", Chan spoke, "it's about authority and knowing youur worth. As much as the company tries to convince you, they're not allowed to overwork you. They're not allowed to contact you during the night. And that up-tight manager of yours is not allowed to schedule things repeatedly at ungodly hours."
Jungwon swallowed. "I know that. I really do. But it doesn't work."
"Then force it.", Chan said, "if you're not ready to do it face-to-face write a borderline threatening message. If they schedule a dance session at 5 am when you got home at 2? Just don't go. I've been in this business long enough to know they can't fire you. Not with your popularity. Assert yourself."
Jungwon laughed. "Are you telling me to basically drive Hybe mad?"
Chan grinned. "Maybe. Also chamomile tee helps. As well as opening up to members. Some problems can't be solved but you can make them better."
"Thank you, Chan-hyung, really."
<3
Felix and Chan were looking at Chan's laptop intensly. It had been 3 weeks after their impromptu "therapy" sessions and Jungwon was live so obviously they couldn't miss it.
"Someone asked how me and Chan met and what kind of advice he gave me.", Jungwon read, "well me and hyung met while we were in a bit of a trouble and he did something for us, after that we had a talk and helped me a lot to get some things sorted out. Me and my members really appreciate all Stray Kids has done for us."
As the live slowly ended, a viewer commented how to keep going during hard times.
Jungwon smiled. "A wise person once told me that some problems you can't solve but you can make them better. I think that's a good motto to keep going. Funny enough, I'll be having dinner with that person later today, along with the rest of Enhypen."
"That's good, right?", Felix asked, "he seems happy. Now come on, our reservation for the restaurant is for 7. Han'll probably make us late."
Chan's phone dinged with a new message.
Jungwon: on our way now, be ready for Riki's endless yapping
"Felix", Chan groaned but smiled at the same time, "I think I accidentally adopted 7 more stray kids."