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Sunsets had a way of putting life into perspective. Kyujin didn’t stay up late enough to watch the sky move from bright blue to deep purple, into pitch black. Or if she had to she was probably working indoors, missing the changes, entering another soulless corporate building during the day and leaving well into the night.
She cherished every day she got to watch. Staring out of her window, ignoring the skyline and instead looking straight up, the colours she’d only ever imagined in her head painting the world around her.
She wondered if there was a life beyond what she experienced. Beyond the 4 white walls that contained her most days, beyond the stages and the cameras and the people who loved what she looked like. She wondered if she would ever experience that. Love. Unconditional love. Not for what she looked like, not for who she pretended to be. Rather for the rotten soul her imperfect body carried. People who would see her for her, see the mess she is and choose to love her regardless.
And maybe the closest to those people in her life were her members. Even if they didn’t really understand her, or the suffocating sensation pressing against her chest. To be honest, Kyujin was scared. Things were honestly good. Their careers were taking off, accelerating at levels they had never experienced before with no sign of stopping. Her relationship to her family and friends was solid, she kept in contact with everyone she needed to, she had fun talking to them. If she opened her mouth and told them the burden that weighed against her, everything would change. Or nothing would. Maybe that was worse.
Still. Alcohol had a way of loosening the tongue, revealing truths that might have been better brought to the grave. Maybe she shouldn’t have indulged, but they were abroad, they were together. They had no schedule the next morning. What other reason did they need to drink?
The games Jinsol had suggested had wound up at this point. The lighthearted small talk no longer lingered in the room. It was just the six of them in one hotel room, random topics of conversation floating through the air on occasion.
On other times a fragile silence hung in the air, in the way silence can only exist with the few people in the world you feel most comfortable with. Kyujin kept her eyes fixed on the TV, there was some old Pick NMIXX episode playing with the volume turned all the way down. She gazed at her own face, long hair and delicate features almost mocking her.
She took another sip of her beer. It was warm.
“Do you ever wonder what it would be like if things were different?” Kyujin asked softly, breaking the silence, although the others had to strain to hear her.
“What do you mean?” Lily asked, voice sweet and clear, purity and honesty co-existing in the only person she could believe both to be true. Kyujin smiled weakly.
“You know, like, if the smallest thing that brought us on this journey, brought us all to JYP and put us all in the same debut group, if that didn’t happen. What would our lives look like right now?”
The room stood still as they pondered her question. “You mean like, if I never watched K-pop Star as a kid? And I never saw Lily on TV and thought that I could live my dream too?” Haewon asked.
Kyujin shrugged noncommittedly. “Yeah, something like that.”
Haewon hummed. “Then I guess I never would have met you all, I would have just gone to university and graduated and worked some basic corporate job, anything that pays the bills.”
“That’s so depressing” Jinsol cried out, tears forming in her eyes. Yoona snorted, although she moved to pat her back all the same.
Jiwoo glared lightly at Haewon, “You would have done fine wherever you went. Me on the other hand? The only class I would pass in school is P.E, I would be completely unemployable”
Yoona reached over and flicked her head lightly. “Yah Kim Jiwoo, don’t be so negative about yourself.” Jiwoo pouted, rubbing her forehead but she couldn’t hide the blush spreading across her face. All while she pretended to hate the way Jinsol and Haewon cooed over her.
Ever astute, Lily was the only one who paused and looked at Kyujin properly. “I mean, I’d probably dedicate my life to music in every life, but I get the feeling that this isn’t really what you meant. Is it?”
Kyujin fidgeted, picking at the can in her hand. Shrugging again. The room grew quieter as everyone's attention turned back to Kyujin. She put her head down, ignoring their gazes. She drank again.
“I guess not.” she admitted.
Lily shifted, moving closer, not touching, close enough for Kyujin to see her from her peripheral vision. “What are you overthinking Kyujin? Your unnies are here,” Kyujin’s face twitched, Lily paused, catching the movement. Kyujin kept her eyes firmly down.
After a moment she continued. “We’ll support you, no matter what, you know that right?”
Kyujin nodded. Jinsol stood up, walking over to sit beside Kyujin on the bed and gently grasping Kyujin’s chin to move her head to face her own. Her eyes were soft, kind, trusting. Unknowing that Kyujin had been lying to the girl for the 8 years they had known each other.
The words got caught in her throat, she swallowed, the lump remained unmoving. They were waiting for her to speak, she knew this. But if she opened her mouth she would surely just sob. She didn’t want to break down in front of them all. Not like this. She was an adult now, they would never see her as one if she always needed them to take care of her.
She breathed deep, willing herself not to cry, then she opened her mouth and swallowed again. “Do you ever feel like you were born wrong? Like God made a mistake with you, and hasn’t noticed yet, hasn’t fixed it even when it's the only thing you pray for, and you’ve been praying for it for years?”
Confusion, sadness, those two powerful emotions fought on Jinsol's face before she settled on unsettled. “Kyujin-ah, there is nothing wrong with you. What are you talking about?”
Unnamed emotions rose in Kyujin's chest. She shook her head vigorously. “There is. There has to be, I wouldn’t be feeling this way if there wasn’t.”
Jinsol tugged her into a hug, squeezing her, it was too much. Kyujin resisted the urge to groan, forcing herself to relax, to enjoy the pain.
“There is nothing wrong with you. No matter what. And we love you no matter what.” the older spoke directly into her ear. Tears began to spill onto Kyujin's face now.
“Even if I’ve been lying to you the whole time we’ve known each other? Even if I’m not who I’ve been claiming to be?” Jinsol squeezed even tighter, an answer in its own way.
Haewon moved between them, placing her hand on Jinsol’s shoulder and separating the two gently. She kneeled in front of Kyujin, looking up at her like she was still the 12 year old they first met. The one who sang too loudly and ran around without fear of falling, because Haewon unnie was always there to pick her up and dust her off, to tell her off but pat her on the back in the same moment.
“You’re scaring me Kyujin, what aren’t you telling us?” she asked, firm but gentle, the way Haewon always was.
Embarrassment and regret hit Kyujin, she covered her eyes in shame. Haewon reached up and pried her hand away, they locked eyes again. She couldn’t run away from this anymore. They were about to see her for her true self. Her heart pounded, mouth running dry. This was it.
“I don’t think I’m a girl,” Kyujin admitted.
Silence fell across the room. Haewon’s eyes scanned his face. Looking for something. Kyujin wasn’t sure what.
“I don’t really know what I am, I don’t know if I’m, I’m a boy or something else. Just. The idea of being a girl makes me want to die a little.” he paused, sniffling.
“And I’m afraid I’m going to die like this. Broken, wrong.” Now that it was out there, he couldn’t stop talking. “Or maybe I’m more afraid that the wrong person finds out, that it ruins everything. I’ll ruin everything.”
Tears flowed freely down his face now, his voice grew thicker and he choked out. “I’m s-sorry. If you hate me now I understand, I hate me too”
This snapped the room out of their stupor. Lily being the first one to move. Shocking them all by jumping up and tackling Kyujin onto the bed, Kyujin fell backwards to accommodate for the brash movement.
In between short breaths and warm tears Lily spoke “You. You fool.” she slapped his arm, if the light movement could even be counted as a slap. “How could we ever hate you for this? How could we ever hate you at all?”
Jinsol burst into tears, as she and Yoona and Jiwoo and Haewon all rushed up to join Lily and Kyujin in their embrace.
A wave of relief crashed into Kyujiin, followed by an intense crash of pure sadness, and emotions he couldn’t name if he tried. It culminated in more tears and sobs wracking his frame, tearing through the room, simultaneously breaking the hearts of the five other people present.
“I love you, I’m so proud of you” Someone whispered into his ear. Another hand came and dragged through his hair, soothing him. Somewhere else someone brought a tissue up to his face and wiped away the tear marks on his face. Someone shushed him, squeezing him tight.
Slowly but surely, the tears stopped. They all gently separated, staying close but letting him sit up and wipe his own face. Everyone had matching red noses and watery eyes, but they smiled at him.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. Not the specifics.” he begged. It might have been a big ask but he couldn’t handle it. Not everything at once. Just saying those words out loud had been enough adrenaline for a lifetime.
Haewon and Lily exchanged glances, a silent conversation flying between them before Haewon turned back to him and nodded. “Alright, but we’ll have to talk about it soon.”
He could accept that, he smiled gratefully, his first smile since the alcohol came out, maybe his first smile in years, since he realised he was something different. The temperature dropped several degrees with his smile, Jinsol and Jiwoo’s shoulders fell, Yoona unclenched her jaw and Lily smiled back.
Still, he had to confirm it, just for his pounding heart. “You’re not mad right?”
Haewon let out a short sharp laugh at that, rolling her eyes. Yoona rolled her eyes too, although she used the more effective method of slapping his shoulder, not nearly as lightly as Lily. “No, we're not mad. Not in the slightest.” she reassured.
He breathed out.
“I guess we’re a co-ed group now” Jiwoo remarked dryly,
“We’ve been a co-ed group, we just didn’t know it” Jinsol added, Lily let out a sigh, stretching her arms back.
“That means our biggest competition has been All-Day Project, and we’re losing, that’s just embarrassing,” she said bluntly.
Yoona broke first, putting her head down as her shoulders began to shake, Haewon held no qualms of holding it in, she let out a short laugh, as Jiwoo and Jinsol began to giggle along. Lily locked eyes with Kyujin, who broke into matching grins as the others laughed.
Haewon stood up, still smiling, although moving everyone off of the bed now. “Alright, it’s late enough, everyone get going, go to bed soon, we’re on the clock at 11 am” she insisted, pushing the members out. She paused at Kyujin, eyes softening. She pulled the younger guy into a swift hug. “We’ll figure it out, I promise. You won’t be alone with this anymore.” she whispered.
Kyujin felt tears prickle in his eyes again, but he stood straight, “Clean your room before you fall asleep, otherwise you’ll have to clean it and pack tomorrow,” He hesitated, then whispered “Noona,”
Haewon smiled wide, fixing his hair with a soft touch. “You always nag, Noona will manage, don’t worry.”
She shut the door as the others began to walk to their own hotel rooms. Though Lily yawned and Jinsol grumbled about her back, before they all split off in their individual directions, they all found Kyujin, all pressed a quick hug to him, or a little kiss to his shoulder in Jiwoo’s case, giving him silent promises to love him unconditionally.
The adrenaline drained from his body as he entered his own room, the door shutting with a quiet click behind him. It was pitch black, tidy as though housekeeping had just come by window curtains drawn open.
He gazed out. Colours bolder than his wildest imagination painting the sky. Purples and pinks and oranges and greens that shouldn’t have worked together nearly as well as they did. He spotted the sun on the horizon, a bright orange sphere that hurt to look at, but it gave the Earth life. It gave warmth and comfort. It gave Kyujin strength. How could something so dangerous and so painful be so vital to existing? How did people learn to stop fearing the thing that gave them everything? They had the sun to thank for everything, for the chance to live, to create, to love, to lose, to hurt, to cry and to destroy.
He didn’t have the answers. He didn’t know what his life would look like a year from now, let alone tomorrow. He didn’t know whether his members would wake up with any unresolved questions and worries about him. Whether he was really ready for what it meant to acknowledge this truth within himself.
He could only count on what they told him. On what he knew himself to be true. He was loved, He was supported. It would all work out in the end. It always did.