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The Miloads manor was relatively quiet at times like these. Now that the weather had begun to chill, various layers of fabric were needed to warm the body. In one of the mansion’s many rooms slept the Great Spirit of Yin, Beatrice, and her contractor, Subaru.
The duo, like every other night, slept within each other’s embrace, keeping the cold at bay.
But even if the body is warm, the mind is still trapped within the cold.
—was what Beatrice thought as she felt the tremors of her contractor course through hers.
She knew all too well what that meant. How could she not, when night terrors would haunt Subaru in his sleep, even well after he had woke up?
Sometimes, he would moan, or grunt, a visibly pained expression adorning his visage. Other times, he’d wake up screaming, then frantically looking from left to right as if he was fleeing from something that Beatrice, or anyone else really, couldn’t see.
It frustrated her to no end that there was not much Beatrice could do to alleviate his pain, especially when Subaru refused to tell her anything.
“Hk…! No… I- I didn’t—“
“Subaru…!”
Gripping tightly onto his arms, Beatrice did her best to prevent Subaru from scratching himself, a habit she believed he had picked up shortly after the Sanctuary.
Uneven, short breaths were drawn in quick successions by none other than Subaru as his shivers rapidly intensified, making Beatrice’s worry only deepen.
If this prolongs, he’ll give Betty a heart attack, I suppose…!
“SUBARU!” Beatrice cried out, barely containing her tears from spilling out of the corners of her eyes.
Subaru shot straight up, scaring Beatrice with the sudden action.
His hair was disheveled, his usual slicked bangs sticking uncomfortably to his forehead from the sweating. It didn’t help much either that his clothes were soaked in his sweat too, making the discomfort more seemingly apparent.
Even while awake, the tremors didn’t ease up one bit.
“Hah… hah….”
Subaru continued to pant as his eyes darted all over the room, scouting out for a threat that wasn’t there. Meanwhile, Beatrice continued to hold onto his hands in an attempt to ground him back to reality.
Unfortunately for her, it seemed to not work. For even when Subaru seemed to be scanning the room at a wild pace, he failed to acknowledge Beatrice’s presence, which made her heart badly ache, at least her imaginary one.
“You’re safe here with Betty, Subaru. Everyone has fallen asleep now, and not long ago, Subaru and Betty were snuggled up quite comfortably before you jolted awake, I suppose.”
“…”
Slowly, Subaru began to calm, before steadily shifting his gaze to Beatrice’s, revealing glassy eyes that threatened to spill. It was an especially grand contrast to his normally sharp gaze.
“Right now, it is half past water time. Either way, Subaru should be awake soon, as you’ve agreed to aid that maid with preparing breakfast today, I suppose.”
What Beatrice did helped calm Subaru, even just by a little, when Beatrice would relay the tasks of the upcoming hours, and of where he currently was at. It was a detail Subaru had let slip on one of their many late night talks, which Beatrice, of course, picked up.
She could tell Subaru wouldn’t be able to hold it in today, let alone do his house chores without concerning the other residents.
That’s why—
“But as Betty sees it, Subaru seems to be in no shape or form to be doing that today. She believes Subaru should continue to rest in bed, in fa—“
“NO—!”
The immediate response made Beatrice’s being jolt, startling Subaru even. It was clear he immediately regretted that impulsive reply as he quickly covered his mouth in an apologetic manner. His eyes then downcast as if he were a scolded puppy.
“No… no… I-I’m sorry, Beatrice. I didn’t mean to—“
Subaru was unable to finish his own sentence before choking on his own words. His face scrunched up as he continued to squint hard, an attempt to hold in his tears, albeit poorly as some would slip, later slightly drenching his face and palms.
The whole time, as Subaru sobbed into his hands, desperately muttering incoherent words, Beatrice was left stunned.
Simply, she didn’t know what to do.
There was just little that she could do, in fact.
Oh, how badly Beatrice wished to take on his struggles, coddle him and lock him away from the world, so he’d never suffer from the hands of this cruel world.
To be trapped in your own mind, it was like an endless snowstorm with no way of escape.
That was the worst type of cruelty the world had to bestow: loneliness.
And in that sense, Beatrice could relate, having been isolated within the forbidden library for 400 years. It was unbearable, but she remained still. If not being hurt when the one you cared most left meant freezing your heart and locking it away from the rest of the world, then she’d do it.
Beatrice endured, until that boy forced his way in and thawed that stone-cold wall she had spent hundreds of years desperately building. It was a slow, and steady process as doubts would flicker in her brain, having her dance between the lines of closeness or isolation.
That was because she was afraid of getting too attached. He, no, Subaru was human, and humans were bound to leave someday.
That was inevitable.
So she did as she would, push others away.
But he had chosen her anyways.
What a stubborn one he was—just like now, refusing to share his burdens, even if it was clear it was tearing him down to his very Od.
“I’ll make our time so happy and memorable that it’ll engrave itself onto your very soul—so, choose me, Beatrice!”
A faint, melancholic smile graced her lips.
That display of genuine care, derived unlike from a prophecy, broke those 400 years of isolation. To have someone by your side, even if it were not to last forever, meant a lot to Beatrice, especially when she was promised happiness for as long as he lived.
It didn’t take much to enlighten her either, for Subaru’s mere presence made her glee.
So, though it was just a simple act, not much to ease the pain, Beatrice patted his back, rubbing it in rhythmic circles.
Then following a heavy sigh too great for her tiny body, she whispered,
“It pains Betty to see you hurt when she doesn’t know why. Even if you won’t tell Betty, she’ll still remain by your side—to walk every treacherous path that Subaru has to face.”
“But, I implore, when it gets too much, please hold onto on Betty, I suppose.”
Subaru stopped to look at Beatrice, whom held a teary face. He rebuked himself for making her shed tears he promised she’d never spill. And just not too long ago, he promised her happiness till the end of his time.
He never did keep his promises.
Can’t you be good at anything?
That’s why, if he was going to fix this, he should stop being pathetic, apologize, and go back to being the idiot Natsuki Subaru that everyone knew.
“…Beatrice, I—!”
“Betty is not done, in fact.”
“…!”
“…”
“Even saying it pains Betty, in fact, but if she isn’t enough, then add another person. If two won’t suffice, then a third! Subaru, you—“
Beatrice’s words were cut short as her vision caught onto the faint scars adorning every surface of her contractor’s arms. Once soft, smooth skin now marred by rough, uneven scars, inflicted by none other than Subaru himself.
Another reminder that Betty has failed Subaru as his spirit, in fact.
Her gaze casted down, and her heart was growing heavier by the second. Tightening her fist, she managed to let these few words slip,
“You can’t keep doing this, I suppose…”
“…!”
“I… I know that…! —all too painfully well…! But, even so, what will they think of me..!? What would E-Emilia think of me…? I should be stronger, more reliable! I know better than anyone that if she were to see me, the real me, the weak, deplorable, good-for-nothing that just drags everyone down with him, then she’d be utterly disappointed in me! I’m sure! That’s why—!”
Beatrice’s voice hitched as her fist tightened around the hems of her night gown. Tears began to freely stream down her face as she glared at the boy, causing him to shrink into the blanket upon eye contact.
“Then you understand nothing about the people who treasure you so, I suppose! You continuously decide how everyone feels about you, in fact!”
“Hk…! That’s—!”
“Have you once considered that Emilia has already seen you at your weakest? She has watched you cry, fail, despair, and still reached out her hand. Yet Subaru insists on deciding what is inside her heart, I suppose…!”
“Emilia and everyone else is just too kind for their own good! Were they to realize how worthless I truly am, then—!”
“You continue calling yourself worthless, yet the ones who treasure you remain exactly where they are. Is Subaru saying all of them are fools, I suppose?”
“Hk…!”
His shoulders trembled.
How was he supposed to explain it?
How could he tell her that every smile directed toward him felt borrowed? That every expectation placed upon him felt like a debt he could never repay?
It was true that everyone had stayed, but was it not due to the fact they were simply too kind for their own good? Even when Subaru leeched off of others when, really, there was little he could repay, they still stayed.
But maybe.
If he were to just slip one day, a mistake of some sort, perhaps they’d realize Natsuki Subaru isn’t who he claims to be.
The room fell silent.
Beatrice let out another heavy sigh too great for her tiny body, breaking the ice (seriously, this is spirit abuse).
“Betty will continue to say this from time to time again that Subaru is nothing but exceptionally amazing. If Subaru believes otherwise, then Betty will just continue proving him wrong, I suppose.”
Subaru’s head hung low in defeat as his grip weakened on the blanket.
“No fair, Beako… That’s cruel…”
Despite all the ugliness he so desperately tried to hide, Beatrice continued to hold out her hand. It was truly unfair of her—to render ‘giving up’ impossible.
What was more cruel was how he even dared to think Beatrice would ever leave him, when she had made it so painfully clear that she’d stick to his side like glue.
Maybe I am beyond saving.
“Betty knows what you’re thinking, and she will tell you to cease such foolish thoughts! Subaru is already fairly hard on himself as it is, I suppose.”
“Hey, are you a psychic?! And since when could my Beako read minds!? How could you! This is an invasion of privacy!”
“Hmph! It is only natural for Betty to know what her foolish contractor is thinking, in fact! Underestimating Betty as Subaru’s spirit is a grave mistake, I suppose.”
Even if Subaru had resorted to joking, choosing to move from the subject, his visage betrayed his tone and demeanor. His eyes remained rather red and puffy, a few tears still slipping, and it didn’t help much with his case when he was still lightly trembling, even if it significantly improved a few minutes prior.
Smiling lightly, despite the visible exhaustion etched on his face, Subaru lightly patted Beatrice’s head while she crossed her arms and pouted.
“Aw, come on, Beako! Don’t pout, you’ll get your face all puffy! And quit furrowing your brows, you’ll get all wrinkly!”
“Arghhh! Enough, I suppose! Nothing of the sort will ever occur, in fact!”
Beatrice flailed for a while as Subaru pinched her cheeks, albeit weakly from the clear exhaustion of crying just earlier.
For a while after, the flailing had stopped. Then—
“Subaru is resting for the day, whether he likes it or not, I suppose! If it means tugging on your leg or pampering you even when you’re using the restroom, Betty will—“
“Okay.”
“—do it, in fact! And Betty is serious this time when she—“
“Okay!”
“Arghhhh!! Stop it, I suppose!”
While Beatrice was occupied mumbling, Subaru had taken the liberty of pinching her cheeks again.
“You’re seriously impossible, Beako!”
“Betty is very much serious this time!”
“Yes, Yes. Get back in bed, you!”
Tackling the spirit in his arms, the duo fell back into bed. It was good that this time, Subaru didn’t require healing for his arms, so both were able to rest right after.
“I love you, Beako.”
“Betty supposes Subaru is rather dear to her as well, in fact.”
A faint smile tugged at Subaru’s lips. Unfortunately for him, even though he had promised to rest, that would prove to be rather difficult. Even after he has calmed.
As the hour went by, the sun began to creep up, revealing its many rays of light. As for Subaru, he resorted to snuggling deeper into the many layers of blanket enveloping both himself and Beatrice.
Outside, snow continued to fall.
Inside, warmth still lingered beneath the blankets.
Of course, it would take time before Subaru escaped the snowstorm within his own heart.
—speaking of which, reminds him of the snow festival. But he supposes he’s plenty tired, both mentally and physically, to do that. Beatrice had told him to rest anyways.
He could do just that, when asked of him, right?