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Luca practically collapsed onto the locker room bench. They set their helmet inside their locker, placed their elbows on their knees, and tilted their head to the floor. They were breathing heavily, which they chose not to be embarrassed about. The Centaurs had just won a game against the Admirals in overtime, cinching their playoff spot, and Luca had been in the play, assisting Shane in making the winning goal.
“Everyone is going out tonight!” Young, who was a year older than Luca, shouted.
“Everyone who wants to go out,” Shane corrected.
Luca took a deep breath and attempted to control their breathing. They may be rid of their childhood asthma, but their body still needed a few more moments to relax after overexertion.
“Are you going to come out with us?” Holmberg asked. He was already stripped out of his base layers and holding a towel loosely at his hips.
Luca would usually jump at the opportunity to celebrate and go out with their fellow younger players, but they were exhausted, and a specific chirp from a New York Admiral during the second period was still weighing heavily on them. They were about to open their mouth and politely decline when Roz walked over.
“Sorry, but Luca will be with us tonight,” he stated. “He can come out with you guys when we get back to Ottawa.”
Luca cocked their head in confusion. They weren’t aware they were going out with their captain. “What?”
Roz slapped a hand down on Luca’s shoulder and grinned. “You are going out with Shane, Troy, and I,” he declared.
They were still confused. “Why?”
He rolled his eyes in a playful manner. “You’ll see. Go shower and meet us at the main exit doors.” He offered a quick smile to Holmberg before sauntering off back to his locker.
Holmberg shrugged. “Guess that answers that.”
“Guess so,” Luca murmured.
They stripped themselves of their gear before heading to the showers. They ran their fingers through their blond hair, attempting to rinse all of the sweat off, before lathering their body with soap. It was a quick and efficient shower, though Luca knew they would be taking a second and more thorough one at the hotel.
When Luca met up with Ilya, Shane and Troy were deeply engaged in a conversation about the nights game.
Ilya grinned when he saw Luca approaching. "There he is!" He lifted an arm and wrapped it around Luca, securing them to his side.
"Did you have to wait long?" Luca asked, worriedly chewing on their lip.
Shane glanced over and offered a small smile. "Not at all."
All three of them waited for a few minutes, indulging in easy conversation, when Scott Hunter walked around the corner, keys in hand.
Ilya crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "We waited forever," he said.
Hunter rolled his eyes. "I can easily uninvite you, Rozanov."
Luca perked up with interest. "Uninvite you where?"
"The Kingfisher," Troy responded. He was texting someone, most likely Harris, but he looked up long enough to grin at Luca before returning back to his phone.
"Yes," Ilya agreed. "And Hunter is being discriminatory.
The Kingfisher? As in the gay bar that Scott Hunter was a co-owner of? Luca was now vibrating with excitement. They had always wanted to go to a gay bar, and their first time going would be with a group of queer hockey players? Teenage Luca would never believe this.
It took an hour to get there because of New York traffic, but the assemblage of five were in no rush. When they arrived, they sat at a table near the bartop, beverages in hand.
Luca surveyed the mass of people who were socializing, dancing, and drinking. There were many same sex couples embracing each other, as well as a few drag queens dotting the crowd. On the drive there, Scott had mentioned there had been a drag performance earlier in the evening. Luca was sad they missed it, but decided it might have been too overwhelming for their first queer outting.
"You did well tonight," Shane said before taking a sip from his glass.
Luca blushed, their cheeks flushing from the praise. "Thank you."
Ilya reached around his husband and nuggied Luca's hair, causing the already messy strands to become tangled. "Thatta boy," he exclaimed.
Luca tensed. Their fingernails sank into their wrist, burying itself into the skin. Their eyes narrowed, unfocused.
Thatta boy.
Boy.
Boy.
Boy.
They weren't a fucking boy. Ilya didn't know that, though. No one knew. They had no right to be upset or heartbroken or betrayed or devastated or—
They quickly stood up, and the barstool nearly fell backward with the force of their anguish. "Bathroom," Luca explained as they began rushing toward the restroom sign.
"What did I say?" Luca heard Ilya ask.
When they arrived in front of the two doors, they froze. Two options stood before them—male and female. Luca was none, at least not today. They couldn't do this. They couldn't pretend any longer, especially at a place meant for celebration and acceptance, a place where Luca should have been able to be themselves.
They spun around and headed for the exit doors instead, uncaring if an alarm sounded. Luckily, it didn't. They stepped out into an alley, cold air hitting their cheeks. When the door slammed closed, locking them away from the bar, they fell to the ground with a sob.
Luca leaned their back against the brick wall, pulled their knees up, and buried their face against the denim, attempting to lower the volume of their cries. Their body shook, overcome.
They were pathetic. How does one play a hypermasculine sport yet break down when someone assumes that makes them masculine? Luca has had rougher days than this, days where their dysphoria was all consuming, where they could hardly bear changing in a locker room with men. Why did that one comment—boy—cause him to run?
Their thoughts began to swirl, beating against their skull:
Because you feel like an imposter.
Because you are not out yet are at a gay bar with people more brave than you.
Because you look like a cis straight man.
Because a player on the opposing team stole the puck and snarled “pretty boy” before skating off toward Wyatt.
Because you were so excited to be surrounded by your community but were immediately misgendered by said community.
Luca's self deprecation was so loud, so forceful, that they didn't hear the door open, revealing their alternate captain.
"Luca?" Shane asked.
They shook their head and looked up, teary blue eyes meeting Shane's. "Sorry," they mumbled. They lifted a hand in an attempt to wipe away the tears cascading down their cheeks, but it was fruitless when more continued to fall.
Shane knelt down in front of Luca. He slowly rested a hand on Luca's knee. "Don't say sorry. What's wrong?"
"It's stupid," they blubbered.
Shane was quick to shush him. "I'm sure it's not stupid. Did you need to go back to the hotel? I'll go with you. I know it can be overwhelming."
Luca sobbed as they banged their head against the wall. "I promise I'm not homophobic," they managed to say between sobs.
Shane's eyes widened as he shook his head. "No, no, no, I know that. We all know that." He rubbed his thumb along Luca's knees in an attempt to sooth them.
"But I ran out of there like an asshole. Does Scott Hunter think I hate his bar?"
"You needed a breather," Shane corrected. "No one is mad, just concerned."
Luca nodded and sniffled. They probably had snot trailing down their lips and chin. How embarrassing, especially to be in this state in front of Shane Hollander.
"Shane, is Luca out here?"
They looked over and saw their captain peeking through the crack of the door. Shane must have put something between the door to prevent it from closing.
Shane offered a kind smile to Luca before turning toward Ilya and telling him to come outside.
Ilya's face fell when he noticed Luca broken on the ground. "What is the matter?" Ilya demanded as he knelt beside his husband. "This is not restroom. Did someone hurt you?"
Yes.
Luca didn't say that, though. Instead, he sighed. "I'm fine. I think I just want to go back to my room."
Ilya was determined, however. "You know you are my favorite twenty one year old boy. There is nothing you can say to change that."
"Not a boy," Luca mumbled.
Shane scrunched his face and slightly leaned forward. "Sorry, we didn't hear you," he said with a frown.
Luca inhaled a great breath of air, breathing in all of the confidence they could muster, and exhaled, breathing out all of their anxieties. They could do this. Being in the closet was weighing on them more and more. They didn't know how long they could last behind its doors, and this was a prime opportunity to finally tell someone, two someone's.
"I'm…" They looked at both of their mentors. Would this be the last time they both looked at Luca with such softness and care? "I'm not a boy," he whispered.
Ilya froze. His mind seemed to be recalibrating, taking in this new information and what it meant.
Shane nodded, a serious expression lacing his face. "Okay, you're not a boy. That's… That's alright. Of course that's alright."
Luca bit their inner cheek and hesitantly asked, "It's alright?"
Shane's fingers twitched against Luca's knee. "Can I hug you?"
Luca didn't falter as they leaned forward and allowed themselves to be wrapped up in Shane's embrace. They both knelt there for a few moments, Shane murmuring assurances while Luca's breath stuttered.
Ilya still had not said anything.
When they separated, Luca slowly looked over Shane's shoulder and made eye contact with their captain. Worriedly, they said, "Ilya?"
"I called you a boy. At the table and now." Ilya snapped something in Russian—an admonishment toward himself—and sadly gazed upon Luca. "I am so sorry. I did not realize."
Luca gave a self deprecatingly laugh. "Well, I look like a guy. Not your fault."
"No," Ilya replied. "I knew you were queer. It is on me for assuming what type of queer that may be." He wrapped his arms around Luca and pulled them to his chest.
Their face twisted in confusion from where it was smooshed between his captain's pecs. He managed to mumble, "What do you mean you knew I was queer?"
"Was obvious," Ilya said simply. "Is why we came here. I was trying to be supportive. Shane said it wouldn't be obvious, that we should just tell you. I guess my lover was right."
Shane groaned. "I am your husband, not your lover, Ilya."
Ilya pulled Luca away and held their cheeks in his hands. "Is same thing," he faux whispered before winking.
Shane rolled his eyes. "Anyway…" He looked at Luca with so much love that they had to look away. "Thank you for telling us. Is there anything else you want to share that would help you?"
"Yeah, uhm… Can you stop squeezing my cheeks?"
Ilya looked confused for a moment before realization hit. "Oh!" He dropped his hands, forcing them to rest in his lap. "Sorry."
"Well, I'm… uh… I'm genderfluid. When I said I'm not a boy, I meant it, but I may be a guy tomorrow or next week. Today, though… I'm non-binary, and I guess everything was just too much," they explained.
Luca tried to suppress a smile, but they probably failed. After knowing they were genderfluid for six years, they were finally able to share it. Relief was imminent as the closet door slowly opened, even if it was just a crack. A crack was better than a lock.
Ilya nodded. "I have not heard of genderfluid, but I am sure Shane will send me articles. I will be the most educated captain."
"Whatever we can do to support you, let us know. Maybe we could get you something incognito that tells us what gender you're feeling, like a bracelet," Shane suggested.
"I will buy it!" Ilya excitedly said.
"You don't have to do that, but that's a good idea, Shane. Thank you," they said with an appreciative smile. Luca raised their hands and finally wiped away the tears that were sticking to their face.
"Of course. Do you want to go back in or hang out with Ilya and I at our hotel?" Shane asked.
Luca's answer was immediate. "Hotel. I think a gay bar just makes me dysphoric, at least right now."
Shane squezzed their hand. "And that's perfectly okay."
All three of them stood up, dusted off their pants, and started the walk back toward the hotel. For the first time, Luca didn't feel like they were viewed as a man, but as a person, because the two people he walked with knew, and Shane and Ilya still loved them.
When Luca came out to their teammates a few months later, Ilya and Shane were by their side.
And when a year passed, Shane and Ilya were the first to message them:
Hollanov
Ilya
They/He looks good next to you ;)
Shane
We're so proud of you, Luca.
Luca
thank you :)
couldn't have done it without you guys
Ilya
Yes, you could have.
But I'm happy you didn't have to.
Luca
<3
The closet was no longer cracked, but eradicated. Luca may play on a men’s team and may sometimes present in a traditionally masculine manner, but they were still genderfluid.
Luca gave one last glance at their Instagram, at the pronouns now standing proudly next to their name, and smiled. Then, they turned off their phone and stood.
Ottawa had a Stanley Cup to win.