Archive of Our Own

Born from the spit and blood of the gods’ wrath, a child rose from the dirt where two gods had fought. Like a newborn turtle crawling to the sea, the child made his way through the thick mist of a gloomy dawn, towards a golden palace standing proud and tall. 'Home', he thought to himself. He had yet to understand the meaning of the word.

The other child kept rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet. He had a pale face and a pink nose, and he kept his cheeks puffed, though Nan Feng couldn't tell if it was out of boredom or bad manners.

'Nan Feng' was the name ge had given him—no, not ge, General Nan Yang, Nan Feng berated himself.

The stuffy room was lined with hundreds upon hundreds of books and scrolls. Specks of dust floated in the air. Nan Feng followed them with his eyes, trying to block out the voices seeping from the other side of the door – good kids didn't eavesdrop on adult conversations.

The other boy didn't seem to care.

'Hey, what are you—'

The boy cut him off with a look. There was something in his big dark eyes that made Nan Feng wonder. He found himself peering through the crack in the door that the boy had pushed ajar, silent as a cat.

'—If I may, you are reading too much into things, Noble jie. The simple explanation is that our dear General Xuan Zhen must have broken his celibacy vows, and if you ask me, good for him after all this tim—'

'Nobody asked you,' the woman he had called Noble jie said at the same time as someone else spoke up: 'Of course someone such as General Ming Guang would fail to appreciate the steadfastness of my cultivation.'

The last person stepped into view, arms crossed over his chest. Nan Feng's vision went dizzy with surprise. The man called General Xuan Zhen looked strikingly similar to the boy crouching by Nan Feng's legs. They shared the same silky, raven hair, prettily shaped obsidian eyes and pale skin. Whereas the boy had a pink nose and pink cheeks, the general's face was smooth and elegant like porcelain.

'Besides, why not let the interested party speak for themselves?'

With these words, General Xuan Zhen pointed a long elegant sleeve towards the door, as if he had known Nan Feng and the other boy had been spying all along. Nan Feng's stomach dropped at the realisation that they had been caught. But the other boy hurried towards the general, who patted his hair gently.

'Fu Yao, why don't you tell these gentlemen a little about yourself?'

The little boy might have been mute for all Nan Feng knew; he did not say a single word even as the others in the room bombarded him with questions. How old are you? Where do you come from? Who are your parents? How did you get to Mu Qing's palace?

After a while, everyone was none the wiser. General Nan Yang shook his head. ‘It's the same for Nan Feng. Can't remember a thing. It's like both boys have amnesia.’

'I-I remember a thing." Nan Feng was surprised at his own intrusion. "I don't know if it counts, but… It's a sort of song that's been stuck in my mind. It goes—

'Little rabbit, little rabbit in the sky

Little rabbit, little rabbit, don't you cry

Dear jade rabbit on the moon

It will all be better soon—'

Although he did not remember his age, Nan Feng felt like he was too old to sing nursery rhymes. He anxiously watched the others watching him – the adults with their eyebrows drawn, Fu Yao with a gasp on his lips.

'So pick up the leaves of gold…' Fu Yao continued with a wispy voice, 'And trust the power you behold.'

'Where have you two learned this song?' General Nan Yang urged.

Looking as if he was trying to see something somewhere far, far away, General Xuan Zhen slowly picked up where Fu Yao had left off.

'Now dry your tears, little rabbit

For the sky is yours and everything underneath it.'

'Quite the earworm indeed,' General Ming Guang said. 'I have never heard it.'

'That would be because there hasn't been anyone around for the past seven hundred years or so to sing it," General Xuan Zhen said. 'It's a song from Xianle.'

Mu Qing left a trail of glacial air as he marched out of Ling Wen's quarters with Fu Yao's hand in his. An improvement from the other night's throwdown, Feng Xin supposed. To think their fight had been so vicious it literally punched Nan Feng and Fu Yao out of them.

Even after Ling Wen's explanations, it was still hard to believe.

'They are chipped bits of your souls,' she had said matter-of-factly.

'What the fuck do we do now?!' Feng Xin had urged, to which Mu Qing yelled back to watch his language in front of the children.

But they were not real children, were they? That was the hardest thing for Feng Xin to wrap his head around. Nan Feng followed him to his golden palace in silence, walking in wide strides as he tried to keep up with Feng Xin's pace. He looked like he could have been one of Feng Xin's deputies, or even his own son if Feng Xin ever had one.

'Think of them as injuries of the soul,' Ling Wen had said. 'You mend them like you would any other injury, with rest and care.'

Feng Xin's deputies had prepared one of the guest rooms for Nan Feng; the boy stood at the door, looking hesitant.

'Does it look alright?' Feng Xin asked.

It had been a long time since he even talked to a child, let alone know what children's bedrooms were supposed to look like nowadays. Should he have asked his deputies to add some toys and games for Nan Feng? What age was Nan Feng anyway? Ten, maybe? Feng Xin certainly didn't play with toys at that age; though to be fair, he didn't exactly have the typical childhood, being raised to serve the royal family, and all.

Nan Feng quickly shook his head then bowed deeply. 'Thank you for your generous hospitality, ge— I-I MEAN, General Nan Yang!'

His face suddenly flushed, Nan Feng bowed even deeper, shaking in his boots. Feng Xin exploded in laughter. When Nan Feng glanced up fearfully, Feng Xin cleared his throat.

'You can call me ge, I don't mind. In fact, I quite like it.'

Nan Feng blinked up at him for a long time, seemingly gone mute. Eventually, Feng Xin ordered him to go to bed – only then did Nan Feng find his voice when he politely bid Feng Xin goodnight, the 'ge' stuck halfway up his throat. He'd get there eventually, Feng Xin hoped.

Nan Feng truly was a part of him, like Ling Wen had said – Feng Xin felt it in his core. Then why did Nan Feng feel both so familiar, and so estranged to Feng Xin?

It wasn't long before Nan Feng started training with the general's deputies, as the general didn't know what else to do with him. He was quick to pick up on the exercises. He was stronger than he looked, or so everyone told him. The general taught him how to hold a bow and arrow, and it felt as if Nan Feng had already been doing that all his life. His heart swelled with unknown emotion every time the general patted his shoulder with a heartfelt compliment ready on his lips.

During his free time, Nan Feng sometimes shot targets with Fu Yao. The boy quickly stopped being interested in a competition he kept losing only by a hair, and challenged Nan Feng to spar with wooden swords instead.

At first, Nan Feng wasn't sure he was allowed to leave the palace and its training grounds. Rarely did general Nan Yang stay there, as he was often on missions in the Mortal Realm. With no one's orders to follow, all Nan Feng could do was stand in the way of the deputies going about their work, until the Head Deputy eventually ordered Nan Feng to go out and have fun.

Sometimes, Fu Yao would wait for Nan Feng at the gate of the golden palace to play. He would come with peaches, cherries or lychees and share them with Nan Feng and the little animals that lived in the lush forests of the heavenly realm – baby monkeys, cub tigers, flying squirrels and even jade rabbits. Fu Yao would talk about how General Xuan Zhen read him poetry or taught him embroidery, or brought him delicious desserts back from the Mortal Realm.

'Your general shounds sho nishe,' Nan Feng said one day around a mouthful of cake. 'I wish he would come around to General Nan Yang's palace sometimes.'

Fu Yao shook his head. 'Our generals don't get along. Did you forget that they had a big fight that caused us to be born?'

'But that doesn't make sense,' Nan Feng insisted. 'The two of us, we do get along, don't we? If we really share the same souls as our generals like that lady said, I don't understand what they would fight about.'

Fu Yao shrugged. But soon enough, his dark eyes glistened with the spark of an idea. He stood up and wiped his sugar-dusted fingers on his robes. 'Let's go play somewhere.'

'Play?'

'In the Mortal Realm.'

Nan Feng scoffed. Fu Yao, however, didn't seem to be joking. 'Well, it's your loss if you don't wanna come.'

Without another word, Fu Yao scurried away, feigning deafness when Nan Feng called after him. With a grunt, Nan Feng ran after him, deeper and deeper into the forest. Fu Yao ignored Nan Feng's demands to know where they were going, until they reached a complex mark traced in the soil of a little clearing, faintly glowing in the shade of the canopy. Nan Feng had seen the general draw one before; it was unmistakably a teleportation array.

'Those deputies think that just because you're a kid, you're too stupid to understand how they're sneaking out,' Fu Yao said, crossing his arms proudly. 'Well, they're wrong.'

'We're not sneaking out,' Nan Feng said, but Fu Yao had already stepped on the array, his body starting to vanish into shiny dust. 'Don't! You're going to get in trouble!'

Before he could think better of it, Nan Feng stepped onto the array after Fu Yao, and the world flipped upside down.

The bell at the top of Mu Qing's palace trembled under the strength of Feng Xing's yells. Their respective deputies ran all around the place, searching high and low where Nan Feng and Fu Yao could be hiding. After night had fallen and the sun rose again above the mountainous horizon, it became clear that this was not a game of hide and seek. The children were truly gone.

'It's your fucking fault!'

Passerbys jumped out of the way as Feng Xin stomped around Mu Qing. 'You let Fu Yao do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases, he's a bad influence on Nan Feng!'

Finally, Mu Qing deigned to give him the time of day. 'That's rich coming from you! What exactly have you been teaching Nan Feng, besides being a little soldier? Do you expect your soul to heal itself by ignoring it?!'

'I'm not ignoring—'

'Whatever,' Mu Qing cut him off. 'I, for one, am going to find Fu Yao and continue working on mending my soul. Get out of my way, before I punch your face.'

One of Xuan Zhen’s deputies eventually came forward, tail between his legs, with information about a secret array that seemed to have been used by little someones with small footprints. Mu Qing immediately demanded to be shown to the array and summoned Feng Xin via their communication array.

On the other side of the teleportation array was the flank of a hill lined with rice paddies. At its feet, a deep valley brimming with a dense forest spread out as far as the eye could see. Feng Xin and Mu Qing, who had changed their appearance to one of humble travellers, followed the path downhill after farmers pointed in that direction when they enquired about two unattended boys.

Immediately upon stepping into the forest, Feng Xin was overwhelmed by a strange energy, as if something sinister was lurking in the shadows. Yet Feng Xin couldn't sense any killing intent. Mu Qing tensed up too.

'They're strong,' Feng Xin assured him. 'If they run into some danger here, they can stand their own.'

'Try telling me something I don't know,' Mu Qing answered with an eye roll that made Feng Xin want to knock him off his high horse.

But they had a more urgent priority. They trekked deeper into the forest, following two tracks of foot prints. The further they progressed, the stronger a sense of déjà-vu grew in Feng Xin.

'I feel like I've been here before,' Feng Xin said as they crossed a turbulent river on a makeshift wooden bridge that seemed old as time itself.

Even though he had only spoken to shake up the glacial silence, Mu Qing's answer did nothing to clear the air. 'We have,' was all he said.

It soon became clear what he meant. The crown of millenia trees blocked out the daylight almost completely, but even in the gloom, and even after hundreds of years had passed, the scents and sounds of the forest could not be mistaken.

The old shack was only a ghost of itself. Its naked structure rose from the ground like rusty spikes, covered with moss and fungi. The circular stones where the fire pit had been was overgrown with weed and mushy leaves. If he were to dig into the dirt, Feng Xin was certain he would find the remnants of a wooden floor, where he once pried out grains of rice from between its planks.

'Ge!' The boyish voice calling from a distance was followed by Fu Yao running and crashing into Mu Qing with a tight hug. 'I knew you would find us!'

As Mu Qing fussed over him, the boy batted his lashes, looking up with big doe eyes. 'We stepped onto a funny looking thing and ended up here. We were lost, we didn't know what to do!'

'Are you both safe?' Feng Xin urged. 'Were you not too hungry? Too cold? And where the hell is Nan Feng?!'

As if summoned, Nan Feng stepped into view, his head hung low, his small fists tight at his sides.

'Fu Yao foraged some mushrooms and nuts,' he said with a quiet voice. 'Thanks to him, we didn't go hungry.'

'And we huddled together for warmth during the night, so we didn't feel cold,' Fu Yao added, his fingers bunching up in Mu Qing's clothes as if he was afraid he was going to ditch him in the forest and leave.

A cold, familiar feeling rose like bile inside Feng Xin. He had almost forgotten those months from a long, long time ago, when the King and Queen and His Highness hid in abject misery. He and Mu Qing had shared a straw mat then. He hadn’t remembered, in what seemed like forever, the way Mu Qing used to shiver throughout the night, the way their stomachs would rumble, and only be temporarily appeased with whatever game or fruits the forest could provide.

The uneasy feeling rose until it overflowed and Feng Xin found himself raising his voice. 'Why the fuck did you run off?! And why here of all places?!'

'They told you it was an accident!' Mu Qing yelled back, holding Fu Yao close to him. 'How would they even know about this place? They don't have memories of their own!'

'They may not remember shit, but are they not the same as us, just smaller? Am I supposed to believe the words of a child who shares the same soul as you, a known liar and traitor?!'

Mu Qing's face went pale. His eyes widened, his lips shook with an emotion that Feng Xin couldn't place, but he did not retort. Before Feng Xin could bask in his rightfulness, an ominous crack, followed by a whimper, sounded behind him.

Nan Feng had lowered to his knees, forehead practically digging in the muddy soil. The boy's body was shaking with the intensity of his sobs. His right arm was bent in an unnatural, painful-to-look-at shape – Nan Feng had broken his own arm.

'I'm sorry! Our generals are fighting because we disobeyed!'

Just like that, Feng Xin's anger evaporated into nothingness. The boy shrank as Feng Xin approached him, reflexively protecting his head with his healthy arm, afraid to be beaten. Feng Xin's blood turned to ice.

Myriads of images he had long ago erased from his memory rushed to the forefront of his mind. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream. He wanted to punch someone. He wanted to comfort that child with words that he had yet to comprehend himself. But Feng Xin was frozen into place as if spellbound; he could only watch Mu Qing react, helping the trembling child to his feet and applying a healing balm to his broken arm.

'What exactly have you been teaching Nan Feng, besides being a little soldier?'

Feng Xin only taught him what he knew. Feng Xin had turned out fine, hadn't he?

'Do you expect your soul to heal itself by ignoring it?!'

Trembling with uncertainty, Feng Xin held Nan Feng against him, like he had seen Mu Qing do with Fu Yao. He had never known such a gesture before; yet when those thin arms sneaked around his waist and Nan Feng buried his face in the front of his robes, it was like a soothing balm on a part of Feng Xin's heart that he never knew was bruised.

'G-ge,' hiccuped Nan Feng. 'W-we only wanted to help you get along!'

Another pair of little arms held onto his waist. Fu Yao was hugging Nan Feng from behind, his head resting on the other boy’s shoulder.

Feng Xin and Mu Qing exchanged a look. Feng Xin could almost see in his eyes the haunting memories of that forsaken place, and all the unspoken ones they would never tell each other. 

‘It’s alright…’ Feng Xin’s words came out as mutters, unsure of who he was saying them for. ‘You are safe, it’s alright…’

Back when they didn't have any food to fill their stomachs, His Highness used to say things such as 'food for the soul', in regards to small joys that could be found like shiny pebbles in the mud. Things like catching the first or last rays of sunlight painting the sky in luxurious colours or the smell of wild lilacs on their long hunts in nature for sustenance.

For a long time, Feng Xin hadn't truly understood what the prince had meant. Feng Xin was a rather practical man who didn't have a lot of spare time to notice those things in time of need, nor did he have much more when he became busy with the duties of a Martial God.

Come to think of it, even as a boy, there wasn’t much time for leisure or play. It had taken two children barging into his life to learn to see through the eyes of one.

Feng Xin watched the Shangyuan lanterns float up in the inky sky. But more than anything, he watched Nan Feng and Fu Yao's wide eyes shine like a million stars, their fingers, sticky with sweets, pointed towards the heavens, their laughter chiming and airy with the end of a long, beautiful day.

Long after the lanterns had disappeared amongst the clouds, Nan Feng and Fu Yao refused to go home to sleep. Truth be told, so did Feng Xin.

The night was chill, but the children were covered in layers upon layers of clothes, and cuddled up against their generals – they were too snug to move. Mu Qing and Feng Xin told them stories and riddles, and sang them songs from Xianle about jade rabbits on the moon, until the two children faded into comfortable sleep.

Feng Xin only noticed he had fallen asleep too when he woke up with the first rays of dawn. Besides him, Mu Qing was also rousing, eyes bright with tears of cold and sleep.

Where Nan Feng and Fu Yao had fallen asleep, there was nothing but orphaned blankets, holding their warmth for no one.

Later, when only the two of them returned to Heaven, Ling Wen would congratulate them on mending their souls, or at least on the promising start of their healing journey. It wouldn't be a walk in the park, Ling Wen would warn them, but as long as they both kept their anger in check, they might not damage their souls further.

But for now, as he wordlessly squeezed Mu Qing's hand in the grass and Mu Qing squeezed back, Feng Xin wondered how it was possible to be at the same time complete and missing a part of oneself. But that part would grow back, and the wound would heal itself with time. At least, Feng Xin allowed himself to believe so.