Work Text:
Suho has become complacent with the life he has now.
He lives with Sieun, who attends SNU, while he works at the restaurant where he used to work as a waiter. Ajumma took him in after his recovery when others were reluctant to. She often teaches him her recipes after work which he recreates at home. Sometimes, he experiments with them too, with Sieun as his personal food critic. Seeing Sieun genuinely enjoy food now makes his heart swell with pride.
Most of his free time is spent with Sieun, either alone or alongside their friends. They both visit Halmeoni at least once a month. There, he shows her the recipes he has learned and learns from her as well. Meanwhile, he has started saving money to enroll in a culinary course after realizing his passion for cooking.
His condition has improved too. Well, not to where it was before, but still, it has progressed from refractory to manageable, and now, almost convenient to live with.
And most of all, he gets to wake up and fall asleep next to the love of his life.
So yeah, he’s become very complacent with the way things are right now.
That is, until he finds a folded piece of paper in one of Sieun’s notebooks.
Suho is humming a song that has been stuck in his head ever since the restaurant he works at started playing it on repeat over the past few days, as he washes the dishes. The sound of the front door opening interrupts him.
“Sieunah?”
He glances over his shoulder to see Sieun head straight to their room without greeting him.
He must be exhausted, Suho thinks before turning back to the sink.
A moment later, he remembers the coffee mug on Sieun’s desk. Sieun was revising for a test that morning and left it there in a hurry.
After finishing the dish in his hands, Suho dries them and walks towards their room. He pushes the door open and finds Sieun’s backpack slumped over the chair.
Sieun has a habit of unpacking his bag the moment he gets home. He likes having everything laid out on his desk before he starts studying. But in the days when he’s completely drained—like today, Suho takes care of it for him.
He enters the room, unzips the bag and carefully pulls out the laptop first, settling it in the middle of the desk. Its lid is covered in all sorts of stickers, each one handpicked by Suho.
When Sieun brought a new laptop for university, Suho had insisted on decorating it. Sieun protested halfheartedly but gave in to him eventually. Suho even hung a Spider-Man keychain to the bag’s zipper.
An involuntary smile tugs at Suho’s lips.
Next, he lifts out a stack of notebooks and as he does, a folded piece of paper slips out and falls onto the ground. He places the notebooks on the desk before crouching down to pick up the paper.
He assumes it’s a grocery list or a uni supplies list since Sieun often puts them there before sticking it on the refrigerator afterwards. He unfolds it to see if he has to buy anything. But as soon as he does, the color drains from his face.
Sieun has a love letter.
Correction.
Somebody has given Sieun a love letter.
His breath turns shallow and his hands start trembling ever so slightly. He closes his eyes and does what his therapist taught him whenever panic starts to creep in.
He takes a slow, deep breath before releasing it just as slowly.
Inhale. Exhale.
Again.
Inhale. Exhale.
And again.
Inhale. Exhale.
The steady sound of running water from the bathroom grounds him. He slowly opens his eyes and returns his attention to the letter.
The guy seems considerate. Not pushy and willing to wait for Sieun’s answer. He even says he’ll pretend this never happened if Sieun wanted him to.
Something twists deep inside Suho’s chest.
The guy looks like the kind of person Sieun might have given a chance if Suho hadn’t already been in the picture.
In almost a year of living together, he has never imagined the possibility of someone else liking Sieun. Not because he is difficult to love—quite the opposite—but because it has simply never happened in front of him.
His gaze drifts to the last line.
Hoping to be yours,
His jaw tightens as he stares at the words.
No. He is not doubting Sieun or the love he has for him.
Sieun had stayed with him throughout his recuperation. Through the mood swings. Through the stubbornness. Through the times when Suho lashed out in frustration without meaning to. Through the relapses when he trained more than he should have, undoing the weeks of progress because he couldn’t bear feeling weak.
Sieun had never left him through it all.
He doesn’t deserve Sieun’s unwavering love if he ever doubts it at this point.
But he is jealous of this guy.
How could he not be?
When he got to confess his love before Suho ever did.
Sure, Suho has expressed his immeasurable love for him multiple times in multiple ways—by cooking his favorite dishes, by feeding him occasionally when he’s too immersed in studies, by peppering his face with kisses everywhere except his lips, by showering him with praise whenever he tops the test which is every single time or simply for no reason at all.
But never confessed.
They have blurred the line between friendship and love.
But never crossed it.
The sudden silence after the running water shuts off pulls him from his thoughts. He quietly folds the letter and slips it back into one of the notebooks. Then, he picks up the coffee mug and goes back to the kitchen.
Suho is stirring the soup when Sieun’s arms wrap around him from behind. He gets startled for a second before his left hand comes down to cover Sieun’s clasped hands, his thumb stroking his knuckles.
“Suho yah,” Sieun’s voice comes out muffled as his mouth is pressed against the back of Suho’s shoulder.
“Mhm?” Suho responds, tasting the broth and nodding, satisfied with the taste.
Sieun tightens his hold and lifts his head to keep his chin on other's shoulder. “I missed you.”
Suho puts a lid over the stockpot, turns off the stove, gently tugs at Sieun’s arms to loosen his grip and turns around.
“Missed you too,” he whispers, caressing his freshly dried hair which is poking at odd angles, with his hands. He sees Sieun relax under his touch, closing his eyes.
Suho takes this chance to stare at Sieun’s face.
His tousled bangs fall into his eyes, hiding his broad forehead. His eyebrows peek out from beneath the bangs, completely smoothed out. His eyelashes brush against his cheekbones, making his face prettier than it already is. The dark circles beneath his eyes are barely visible now, a proof that he’s sleeping more than enough. There is a faint blush on his cheeks. His gaze lingers on the nose—the one from which he has to resist the ridiculous urge to bite. Then his gaze lowers further, to his soft and well moistened lips(thanks to the skincare routine he has now) slightly parted like they are inviting him to…
Most of the time, the things he can already do feel like enough, except during moments like this—the moments where he wants to kiss Sieun. If it had been before, he would’ve just kissed his cheek or forehead and been satisfied with that. But now that he is aware of the nature of their relationship, the one step he—they—still haven’t taken, feels impossible to ignore. So, he just ruffles his hair before smoothing it again and withdraws himself from the hold—staying within the line.
Suho can see the disappointment flash across the Sieun’s face as he opens his eyes. He just stares at him for a moment before turning back to the stove.
“Come on, let’s eat before the food gets cold,” he says, grabbing the stockpot using a potholder and trying not to think about the look on Sieun’s face.
Dinner is quiet except for the occasional scrape of spoons against the bowls, the soft sound of chewing and the steady hum of the fan.
Suho looks around from where he is.
The petunia plant in the balcony swaying gently in the evening breeze. The slightly crooked photo frame of them above TV that somehow never stays straight, no matter how much they try to fix it. The worn out carpet on the floor that’s somehow still useful. The small, almost V-shaped dent on the kitchen island.
Everything looks the same, exactly as it did before.
But it doesn’t feel the same.
He looks down and takes a spoonful of kimchi jigae, hoping the warmth of the soup will distract him.
It doesn’t.
Even the silence between them which has always been comfortable feels different.
He doesn’t have to look to know Sieun feels it too.
Suho lets out a sigh and sets his spoon down.
“I saw the letter.”
From his peripheral vision, he can see Sieun's shoulders stiffen. Then his lips part slightly before pressing together again.
“He left before I could return it to him,” Sieun explains stuffing rice in his mouth.
“Return?”
“Throwing it away feels like discarding his feelings,” he answers, chewing the rice.
Something twits even deeper inside Suho’s chest.
This is the guy he took for granted.
Seriously, how did he never think about the guys and the girls who would fall for him? He’d just asked him whether anyone was bothering him and left it at that. Just because he had only been bullied in high school doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be pursued.
Suho is not the only person who can bring his walls down. Their friends did it too, even if not as much as he did.
He looks at him from the corner of his eye. Sieun has not stopped eating.
“Is he nice?”
“Yes.” Sieun sips the broth. “Reliable,” he adds after swallowing it.
He is right about the guy. Sieun doesn’t call someone reliable easily.
His hands curl into fists beneath the table.
He is grateful that Sieun loves him and that makes him feel worse.
Sieun must have sensed his distress because he moves his chair closer to him. Arms and thighs touching.
Suho takes his spoon to resume eating. “Mmhm,” he hums, hiding his self reproach. “Hyung makes delicious food, right?” He deflects.
Sieun glances at him. “Yes.”
After finishing their meal, Suho stacks the plates and puts the bowls on top. He stands up, picking up the utensils with one hand and heads toward the sink. But before he could reach, his free wrist is gripped and arms loop around him.
“Sieunah..?”
“Hyung, I’m tired,” he mumbles.
Sieun initiating touch, being clingy or calling him “hyung”—none of that is new. But doing it this many times within a span of an hour is. He is never this clingy with him, unless he is asleep.
Sieun lifts his chin, resting it against Suho’s stomach. His eyes look anything but tired. In fact they are opposite. Filled with warmth and utter devotion towards him, though a hint of worry lingers beneath the surface.
It makes Suho’s heart flutter and ache at the same time.
He doesn’t know what to do with it—whether he deserves it or not. So he does the only thing he knows: blur the line. He presses a lingering kiss to his forehead. Sieun instinctively closes his eyes and purrs in relief.
“Then let’s sleep early today.”
They are tucked in bed, arms wrapped around each other.
Sieun places his hand on Suho’s chest—over his heart, feeling his heartbeat, just like he always does when they sleep.
And Suho can’t stop thinking about the look on Sieun’s face when he stayed within the line. How content he looked merely because of a forehead kiss. How pleased he was just by blurring the line, like that alone is enough for him.
Guilt washes over him. He knows how Sieun’s parents made him believe he deserved less, like he was a burden. And even then, he ended up being the one Sieun accepts less from.
He wants Sieun to feel all the love. And yet, he has shown him only fragments of it.
He looks down at Sieun before settling his gaze on the ceiling.
“Sieunah…” he calls, barely above whisper.
“Mhm?”
Suho places his hand over Sieun’s that is over his heart and squeezes it.
“How about we go on a date tomorrow?”
He finally crosses the line.
✦✦✦
Sieun’s eyes snap open upon hearing the word “date.”
He has waited for this moment ever since Suho woke up or maybe even earlier. He knows Suho loves him but he also knows Suho needed time to adjust.
Back then, Suho woke up to a world that hadn’t waited for him. So he waited. For Suho to recover, to adapt to this new world and to come to terms with the nearly two years he had lost.
All he wants is to stay beside Suho and he already got that. What if it’s not official? They are pretty much dating anyway. He would wait for that official confirmation for a lifetime. He would’ve waited for Suho for a lifetime. But he can’t deny how delighted he is, with Suho finally using the word “date.” After all, he’s been longing for this moment for years.
He tips his chin to look at Suho. His attention seems to be entirely on the ceiling as if he just asked it out instead. Sieun bite backs a smile.
“That would be great.” He breathes out.
“Yeah?”
Suho finally meets his gaze, his eyes glittering in the moonlight.
“Yeah.”
Suho presses a kiss to his forehead, lingering a little longer.
“See you tomorrow,” he says, pulling him closer.
The first time Suho had said those words to Sieun after waking up, Sieun had a panic attack. Since they were in hospital, the nurses took care of him and let him sleep in Suho's room. The next morning, Suho said "Tomorrow is here and I am too. And I’ll be there tomorrow too."
From then on, it became a ritual. Suho saying “See you tomorrow” and reassuring him the next day that he truly is there. After a while, Sieun started saying it back. And when they moved in together, it became their replacement for “good night.”
“See you tomorrow,” Sieun replies, resting his head on the other’s arm.
They fall asleep as the lingering heaviness in their hearts finally begins to ease.
Sunlight peeks through the curtain, waking Sieun up. He sluggishly opens his eyes, adjusting to the light. A yawn escapes his mouth but its cut short as he remembers what happened the previous night.
How about we go on a date tomorrow?
A sudden warmth spread across his face that has nothing to do with the sunlight.
He slowly raises his upper body to take at look at his date for the day or rather, his only date ever.
Suho is sleeping soundly with his lips slightly parted. Sieun leans in to his ear.
“Tomorrow is here and you are here too,” Sieun says, voice still thick with sleep.
Suho stirs and buries his face in the crook of Sieun’s neck. Sieun lightly smacks him.
Suho grumbles, “five more minutes,” nuzzling Sieun’s neck.
Sieun lets himself relax for a moment, then says, “get up,” but tightens his hold instead.
Suho muffles a laugh, lifting his head and pressing a kiss to Sieun’s cheek. “I’m here.”
They stay lost in each other’s eyes for a long moment before Sieun breaks the silence. “Get up, we have a date to go!”
He tries to sound casual but the slight tremble in his voice betrays him.
They get on the bus, making their way to their usual seats. Suho takes the window seat on the right side, just beside the back door. Once Sieun settles beside him, Suho reaches for his hand and interlaces their fingers. Sieun rests his head on Suho’s shoulder and finds himself walking down memory lane.
The first and the only time he saw Suho on the bike from the bus window, honking relentlessly to get his attention. Then all the times he sat on the same seat, glancing out the window whenever he hears a honk, his mind subconsciously searching for him. The times Suho struggled to board the bus with crutches and later gradually got used to it with Sieun watching his the progress throughout. The day Suho stepped onto the bus without crutches for the first time and how his eyes shone with pride. The times they traveled to their so called “hangouts.”
And finally, here they are, on their way to their first date.
A sudden yet gentle nudge draws him out of his thoughts. “This is our stop.”
Suho takes him to arcade, a place where others get to relive their childhood while Sieun gets to experience the childhood he never had.
They have been here a handful of times before, once even with their friends. It’s the weekend and some high school kids are already there but it’s still early enough that the arcade isn’t too crowded.
First, they start with basketball.
The goal is simple: get the ball through the hoop as many times as possible within a minute.
The buzzer sounds and Sieun wins by six points.
“Sieunah!” Suho stares at the scoreboard before looking back at him. “You’ve improved so much.” There is genuine bewilderment in his voice.
“Baku taught me when you stayed at Halmoeni’s last month.”
Right.
One day, while Suho was staying with Halmeoni, the others hung out with Sieun. They video called him over lunch and Baku even sent him a bunch of photos with captions.
The first one:
*A picture of pouty Sieun sitting on the bleachers, his sad eyes fixed somewhere above the camera.*
uri sieunnie is suhodepraived☹️💔
Second one:
*A picture of Sieun with staring down at his phone, his thumb hovering over Suho’s contact.*
trying not to steal sonja* back from halmeoni😿
And the last one:
*A selfie of Eunjangz, everyone fake crying into the camera.*
life without suho🤧
Later, Juntae had flooded the group chat with photos of them having fun.
Suho is looking down, smiling to himself.
“Suho?” Sieun waves his hand in front of his face.
Suho clears his throat. “I’m gonna win the next game,” he declares, already inserting coins into motorcycle racing machine.
Suho’s eyes always light up whenever he races. His doctor hasn’t approved of him driving yet, even though he has no problem riding a simulated bike. Apparently, it could become an issue in the long run. So until then, this is the closest Suho can get to riding a bike.
He wins the race with ease and gets up so that Sieun can play his turn.
Sieun starts well but struggles as the game progresses. Beside him, Suho is shouting directions and screaming as if he is the one playing. Sieun misses a checkpoint and ends up losing.
“Why is it so small?” Suho mutters, checking whether there is enough space for him to squeeze in behind Sieun. He shrugs after realizing there isn’t.
“It’s for one person,” Sieun deadpans.
“Hyung’s gonna teach you once the doctor approves!” he exclaims determinedly.
Hopefully soon, Sieun thinks. “Do you wanna play once again?”
Suho’s eyes answer before his mouth does. “Why? Do you think you can still defeat me?”
He just wants an excuse to watch Suho do what he loves, but instead says, “Maybe.”
“Alright then.”
Unsurprisingly, Suho wins again.
Just as he’s about to climb off, Sieun puts a hand on Suho’s shoulder, keeping him there. Before confusion can even settle on Suho’s face, Sieun places a quick kiss on his forehead. Suho freezes, his eyes widening at the unexpected affection.
“Reward for winning,” Sieun clarifies.
Suho’s eyes squint for a moment before returning to normal. “But I won twice,” he says, holding up two fingers.
Sieun cups his face, tilts it up and places a lingering kiss on his forehead. Pulling back, he says, “the next one is of your choice.”
“Here,” Suho asks, tapping his left cheek after winning the next game. Heat creeps into Sieun’s neck as he leans in and gives him a feather light kiss there.
This goes on for a while.
Suho winning the game and pointing his finger somewhere and Sieun kissing him there. He asks him to kiss his cheeks, nose, even hands, everywhere but lips.
Sieun is both relieved and disappointed at that. Maybe more relieved. He doesn’t want their first kiss to be a part of a bet and definitely not in public. He has only started this so Suho could keep playing as much as he wants without worrying about leaving him behind anyway.
Next, they play Pump It Up, fully aware that they are both terrible at it. They end up flopping onto the dance pad, laughing with tears in their eyes.
Soon after, they have lunch at a nearby restaurant before Suho drags him to the photobooth, then they head towards the claw machine zone while Suho swings their joined hands.
“Appa! Appa! Appa!” They hear a kid cheering when they reach.
The supposed Appa is struggling to grab a plushie. Their attention is fully on the claw. He finally grabs a plushie but it falls down before it could reach the prize slot.
The kid frowns. Appa empties his pocket and looks at the coins. They are only enough to play one game.
Sieun lets out a sigh and leaves Suho’s hand to go near them.
“Sorry to interfere but can I play on behalf of you?”
Appa stares at him but doesn’t answer.
“Trust me, I’m good at this.”
Appa inserts the coins and says, “okay,” at last, stepping aside.
Sieun scoops the plushie with ease and drops it into the prize slot.
“Yayyyy!” He lifts the soft toy and turns to see the kid jumping with joy. He crouches down and stretches his arm towards the kid, giving him the soft toy. Appa thanks him and lifts his son up, who is giving him an overhead heart.
Sieun’s smile finally returns.
Suho’s arm wrap around his shoulder, pulling him close. Sieun absentmindedly leans into him.
He thought he’s done craving his parents affection but whenever he sees loving relationship between children and their parents, there is a part of him the longs for it. Thankfully, he has Halmeoni.
“I’ll go get some drinks,” Suho says, dropping a kiss to his temple.
Meanwhile, Sieun grabs a chocolate coloured stuffed puppy with open arms.
“Excuse me?” He hears when he is lifting the stuffed puppy from prize slot. He turns around to see a woman who looks no more than five years older than him.
“If you don’t mind, can you win a plushie for my daughter?” She points towards a corner. He sees a toddler and a man—who he assumes to be her father—pacifying her. He gets the plushie she asks for and gives it to her.
“Damn! You make it look so easy!” She says, impressed.
Suddenly, a hand grabs his waist from behind—Suho.
"My Sieunnie is so good at it,” he says, tightening the grip and pressing their cheeks together. “Right?” he adds, looking at her with a smirk.
“Y-yes,” she says feeling out of place. “Thanks Sieunssi!” She bows a little and leaves.
Sieun has not seen Suho get jealous in a long time. He had made sure of that. Because his jealousy always comes with insecurity—something Sieun hates to see on his face, especially when it has anything to do with their relationship. So he made damn sure that Suho has no reason to be jealous.
But now, something new has replaced it, something that he wants to see over and over again: possessiveness.
“Hyung,” he murmurs, gently removes the hand to turn around.
He really wants to see Suho get jealous. To see him become possessive of him. He deliberately wants to make him jealous, but… not now. Not on their first date.
He presses a kiss to Suho’s cheek. “That plushie is for her kid.”
He takes both the cans from Suho’s other hand, pops open the peach milk one and takes a sip.
Suho mouths an “O” before turning to the claw machine. He struggles but finally grabs a grumpy, light blue cat plushie. Sieun watches Suho jump in triumph as he takes another sip from his can.
Suho takes the unopened soft drink from Sieun’s hand and replaces it with the cat plushie. “A kitty for a kitty!”
A pout forms on Sieun’s lips. He looks at the claw machine which also has happy cat plushies and then at Suho, who is happily sipping his drink. He clutches the plushie tightly, his thumb pressing against the top of its head.
The plush flips inside out.
Now, he is holding a happy cat plushie.
He blinks. Once. Twice. Then flips it back.
It’s grumpy again.
He hears Suho burst into laughter. “It’s a reversible plushie, Sieunnie!,” Suho says between laughs, pinching his cheek.
“Whatever,” Sieun says, feigning annoyance but his lips twitch in betrayal.
He grabs the stuffed puppy from where left earlier on the control panel, shoves it lightly into Suho’s chest and walks away. Naturally, Suho follows him.
Though Sieun has been to arcade few times before, this one felt different. Maybe Suho brought him there to show that things are different now. That this isn’t their usual “hangout.”
Sieun glances at their interlocked hands as they walk towards their apartment.
They held hands before but it was always for comfort or support or under the guise of it, never just because. Today though, they held hands throughout the date, only letting go when necessary.
Just as they step inside the home, Sieun hugs him. Tight.
“Thank you,” he whispers softly, pulling himself back.
Suho shakes his head.
“Thank you.” He leans in, resting his forehead against Sieun’s.
“I’ll go take a shower. You cook the rice, then I’ll make bibimbap, okay?” He asks, gently.
“Okay.”
They had been on a date.
A real date.
And they would go on many more.
Sieun is smiling blushing so much that his cheeks hurt.
He thinks about where Suho would take him next, where he would take Suho, when he would make Suho jealous, when they would... kiss.
Sieun touches his lips and shakes his head, still blushing and continues to shower.
After he freshens up, his gaze lands on the plushie shelf filled with the prizes from he won himself along with gifts from their friends and Suho. His eyes drifts to the center of the shelf, to the medium sized Snoopy plush. Suho had gifted it to him by winning a ballon shooting game just because Sieun had once said it resembled Suho.
It had kept him company on the nights he had to spend alone without Suho. Comforted him whenever he woke up drenched in sweat, reaching for someone who wasn’t beside him. It had witnessed his joyful and sorrowful moments.
But now, he has a keepsake form their very first date.
He takes the Snoopy plush gingerly and places it to top shelf, standing on his tiptoes.
“You’ve got a new home now.”
Then, he picks up the plushies form their date which had been on his study desk and arranges them so that the little puppy appear to be hugging the little kitty(which has been flipped to the happy side) from behind. He sets them in the space at the center of the shelf, where the Snoopy plush had stood for so long.
He takes one last look at the shelf and goes to the living room to see Suho putting fried egg on the top of the smaller bowl filled with bibimbap.
“Oh! Sieunah! You are here? It’s almost over, just a minute!” Suho says when he sees Sieun.
He turns back, takes another fried egg on the spatula, then turns again to place it on top of larger bowl. All while, Sieun makes his way to the stool in front of smaller bowl at kitchen island. Suho walks around the kitchen island to settle down beside Sieun.
They eat in comfortable silence.
After finishing the meal, Suho sinks back in the chair, rubbing a hand over his stomach. Sieun takes both the bowls to the sink and comes back to see Suho standing opposite of kitchen doorway, holding a folded piece of paper.
Sieun takes a few steps forward, tilting his head and reaches Suho. He then takes the paper from him and opens it.
His hands tremble when he sees the contents in the paper letter.
Love Letter.
My Dear Sieunnie,
I’ve been curious about you ever since you were that quiet, studious kid. I didn’t understand it at first. But when you brought me Oxbone soup and smiled, everything made sense.
After MMA, my life felt as if all the colors had faded. But then you came into my life with the prettiest eyes that express every emotion even when the mouth tries to hold back, the warmest heart that gives back every kindness tenfold and the purest soul despite everything it had been through.
And over time, the dulled colours didn't really affect me anymore, because I knew that I'd come home to you.
Sorry for making you wait this long, Sieunah.
Will you continue to brighten my faded colours for the rest of our lives?
Always yours,
Ahn Suho
Ahn Suho.
Sieun grazes the name with his thumb, remembering how he wanted it to be the one when he received the previous letter. He knew it was not from him. The letter was not there in the morning and the handwriting was definitely not Suho’s. But he still helplessly expected it to be his.
And now he got it, as if Suho had read his mind.
He hugs the letter delicately, hands still trembling and looks at Suho tear eyed, lips quivering.
“Will you?”
Yes. Sieun opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. All he can do is nod frantically.
Yesyesyesyesyes
Suho gently takes the letter from Sieun and sets it on the coffee table, placing the TV remote over it to keep it from sliding away.
Then, he reaches for him, slowly leaning in as he cradles his face and brushes their lips together. Then he pulls away just enough to look at him.
Sieun sighs, his lips slightly parting as the tears begin to spill from his eyes. Suho wipes them away before leaning in again. He kisses him properly this time.
The kiss tastes salty from Sieun’s tears and carries the lingering spice of the bibimbap they had earlier.
Suho’s hand slips beneath his chin, tilting his face just enough to deepen the kiss while the other hand settles on his waist. They stumble backwards together until Sieun’s back meets the wall with a soft thud. His arms wind around Suho’s neck, pulling him closer.
The kiss is eager, yet soft nonetheless.
They erase the line.
When they pull apart, Sieun doesn’t open his eyes, savoring the moment. He can still feel the ghost of Suho’s lips against his own.
Suho’s hand leaves Sieun’s chin and slides to his waist.
Then he starts pressing featherlight kisses on his face.
First his forehead. Then his closed eyelids. A soft chuckle escapes him before he kisses the tip of his nose. His right cheek. Then his left cheek. Then his right again as thought he can’t get enough.
When Sieun feels Suho’s breath near his lips again, he raises his chin to meet the other’s lips. Then he pulls back, with his head meeting the wall again, eyes still closed.
“Suho yah,” he says, breathless.
“Yeah?”
“Suho yah.” A little louder and slower this time.
“Yes, Sieunnie,” Suho replies again before pecking him.
The smile already on Sieun’s lips widens.
He loves calling his name and getting a response.
He opens his eyes slowly. His vision is blurred by the tears clinging to his lashes. He blinks a few times and sees Suho’s eyes glisten with unshed tears.
“I love you.”
Sieun feels the grip tighten around his waist. Suho eyes flicker between Sieun’s eyes for a brief moment.
“I love you too,” Suho breathes out. His shoulders relax as if he’s finally set down a weight he’d been carrying for far too long.
Sieun brings his hand to the front and wipes away the tears gathering beneath Suho’s eyes. Suho looks almost surprised as if he’s just realized he is crying. Sieun’s hands settle on his shoulders.
“Before you, all I did was to study, all I knew was to study. And that night, I came back seeking your warmth and you called me warmhearted.”
A quiet chuckle escapes from Sieun’s mouth before his gaze softens.
“I would’ve waited for you my entire life, Suho yah”
He bores his eyes into him, hoping he can convey all the emotions he’s struggling to put into words.
“I loved you even before I knew what love was.”
Sieun’s hands trail up to cradle his cheeks.
“If I brightened your faded colours… then you added color to my life, Suho yah.”
His gaze softens impossibly, overflowing with the tenderness only Suho can ever be able to draw out of him. Then his arms find their way around Suho’s neck again, his cheek pressed against his shoulder blade. Suho loosens his grip just enough to slide his hands to middle of Sieun’s back before tightening around him again.
They stay like that, as though neither of them wants to let go.
✦✦✦
Suho feels Sieun relax in his arms, his weight growing heavier against him.
“Sleepy?”
Sieun nuzzles his nose into the crook of other’s neck in response.
Suho pulls back and Sieun immediately lets out a disapproving sound but Suho quickly turns it into a pleasing hum by giving him a sweet peck.
He slips an arm under Sieun’s knees to lift him up just like he has done countless times before.
When Sieun had slumped over his study desk, with his cheek pressed against it, too exhausted from hours of the studying to make it to the bed. When they’d ended up cuddling on the couch while they watched a movie, Sieun already half asleep by the time it ended.
And just like every other time, Sieun instinctively snuggles closer.
Suho can never get over how naturally Sieun leans into his touch every single time.
He carries him to their bedroom and gently lowers him onto the mattress. Then he kisses him on forehead before starting to pull away, but Sieun tugs him closer.
“I have to turn the switches off baby. Will be back in a sec, okay?”
As he is begins to pull away again, he hears a sleepy murmur. “Again.”
Suho smiles and leaves another lingering kiss on Sieun’s forehead.
Sieun shakes his head, barely and asks, “Call me that again.”
Suho’s brows knit together before lifting in realization.
“Baby?”
A small, satisfied smile spreads across Sieun’s face as a cheeky smirk tugs at the corner of Suho’s lips.
“Sweetheart.”
Sieun’s eyes flutter open.
Suho leans a little closer with every word.
“Angel”
Closer.
“Princess”
Closer still.
“My love”
Close enough that their noses almost brush.
“My heart.”
Suho starts leaning in again but Sieun turns his head away, eyes squeezed shut and gives him a small shove against his chest.
Suho coos at him. “So cute.”
He pulls the blanket over him before dropping a kiss on his flushed cheek.
“I'll be right back.” Then he moves to his ear. “Jagiya.”
Sieun immediately buries his face into the pillow. Suho bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing as he slips out of the room.
By the time Suho comes back, Sieun is almost asleep. He knows that because Sieun has never been able to completely fall asleep without Suho beside him or without hearing “See you tomorrow.”
Before they moved in together or on the days Suho stayed at Halmoeni’s or when Sieun went on some field trip organized by his university, Sieun would drift off only after he whispered “See you tomorrow.”
He had felt a quiet sense of relief when he realized it had become something that gradually replaced his fear with a sense of safety. An ameliorative.
Suho settles beside him, pulls the blanket over himself and wraps an arm around him.
Sieun makes an incoherent noise and scoots closer.
Suho replays the entire date.
The way Sieun kept glancing at their interlocked hands. The way he kissed his face out of nowhere and then again after every win. The way he gasped when he grabbed his waist. The way his breath hitched when he tightened his grip. The way he looked exactly like the grumpy kitty he pouted over.
The way his smile never seemed to fade except when…
Suho knows he can’t give him the parents he deserved. He can’t fill the void his parents had left behind. He can’t give him the childhood he was robbed of. Who would understand that more than him? When he himself had gone through that.
He knows what it’s like to crave for parents’ affection. To spend nights wondering if he was simply… unlovable. To hate himself for something that was never his fault. To think about his parents even after receiving more love from his Halmeoni than they had ever given him.
Suho lets out a long sigh.
Some kinds of love can never be reclaimed. They can’t be received from someone, no matter how much that person loves you.
He can’t give the love Sieun was meant to have from their parents.
Neither of them can receive the love they were meant to have from their parents. But…
They can love each other with everything they have.
And for the first time, they did.
Through the kiss.
His breath hitches just by thinking about it. He subconsciously licks his lips.
How did he resist kissing him before? The lips were right there and he chose to do nothing? Stupid Suho.
And Sieun looked like he was waiting for it his whole life. Stupid stupid Suho.
He frowns, scolding himself. Then the lingering memory of Sieun’s peaceful face eases his frown.
Then,
I love you.
These words reminded him of those days.
Like the days when he used to dream of saying them out loud someday:
Before everything went downhill, he had been so determined to make Sieun fall in love with him. He wasn’t sure how Sieun felt about him back then but he was certain he would get there someday. He held onto that belief so firmly. He would find excuses to spend time with him, memorizing every little reaction, already wondering how he could see them again. Even without knowing if he had a place in Sieun’s heart, he believed that someday he would.
And the days when those words threatened to slip out, only for him lock them behind his teeth:
His initial hospital phase was rough. His emotions were heightened and every single action and reaction from Sieun used to affect him tremendously. His whole life had changed—tilted around its axis. So he clung onto things that remained constant in his life—one of them being Sieun, or at least he thought so.
When Baku ruffled Sieun’s hair, Gotak put an arm around his shoulder or Juntae hugged him and Sieun let them, every time he saw the new Sieun he used to feel anxious. He should’ve been proud that he was not that rigid anymore. He was proud. But his fear of losing the old Sieun—his Sieun—to the new one outweighed his pride.
He begged in his mind many times. I love u, please don’t go. To the old Sieun who seemed to gradually fade or to the one who was getting up to leave since visiting hours were over? He didn’t know.
Every new side of Sieun felt like a threat to their relationship. It seems absurd now but back then he felt like he was crossing a frozen river, walking on thin ice where every glimpse of the new Sieun cracked the ice, threatening to drown him. That is, until he realized every Sieun is his Sieun, that Sieun didn’t need to remain constant to be a constant in his life. It didn’t magically cure everything but he landed on a solid path of ice. Even though he didn’t know how far the shore was, at least he wasn’t afraid of drowning anymore.
And the day when they almost slipped out:
It was one of the better days when everything went smoothly. His physical therapy session was successful. He was feeling fine after resting on the bed. And Sieun was with him all day.
When the nurse came and announced that visiting hours were over, he gripped Sieun’s hand so tightly that it might have left a bruise. Sieun asked the nurse to give them a few more minutes and the nurse agreed.
He hugged Sieun, nails digging in Sieun’s uniform and refused to let go. It was such a perfect day till then. He didn’t want to be left alone in that darkness again.
“Sieunah I- I- please-” he stuttered, sobbing.
“It’s okay, Suho yah. I’ll be here first thing in the morning.” Sieun consoled, rubbing his back with trembling hands.
He used to be so scarred that these words would slip out of his mouth. How come he didn’t even feel the need the say them when everything settled down.
Perhaps, it had taken a back seat somewhere between him discovering that Sieun reciprocated his feelings and learning to navigate the real world once he stepped into it again.
And when he finally voiced them aloud, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders that he hadn’t even known existed. Even after they faded into back of his mind, the words were still present, waiting to be breathed into existence.
Then, he remembers the conviction behind Sieun’s eyes.
I would’ve waited for you my entire life, Suho yah.
He would’ve.
Of course he would’ve.
He knew Sieun wouldn’t leave him and without realizing, he had taken that certainty for granted. No wonder he hadn’t once thought of losing Sieun for a year. Not even when he found the letter.
His chest tightens so suddenly making his breath falter. Before he could steady his breath, Sieun lets out a distressed noise and starts to raise his chin. Suho instantly kisses his forehead. He feels Sieun’s brows relaxing as he kisses. He starts to rub his back in slow circles.
As he feels the tension in Sieun’s shoulders ease, a thought crosses his mind. Something too obvious to be even considered.
If their roles had been reversed, he would’ve done the same. And just like him, it would’ve never occurred to Sieun to do anything else.
Their breaths gradually even out.
I loved you even before I knew what love was.
These words instinctively bring him back to the Sieun he met.
How much he tried to break his walls. The little ways Sieun showed his affection despite them. Wondering why he had built those walls so high. When he learned the reason was his parents. How he still resents them for not teaching him what love was from the moment he was brought into this world.
Then, the cracks on the wall, letting him in and initiating touch.
Even before he knew what love was, he already knew how to love. Maybe all Suho had done was make him realize it.
You added colour to my life, Suho yah.
He looks at Sieun, who is sleeping peacefully by his side.
“You have come a long way, Sieunah,” he whispers fondly, kissing his hair.
Then he sees the hand which is over his heart like it’s guarding-
There it is.
The reason for Suho’s complacency.
How can he feel the need to reinvigorate his ever present but neglected desire to confess when his heart is being guarded so well that not even a trace of insecurity can creep in?
Suho holds Sieun’s hand just like last night.
Somewhere along the way, he’d mistaken complacency for contentment.
Never again.
He will make it up to him.
No.
Both of them.
For every confession left unsaid. For every kiss he held back. For every moment he was satisfied with less, making Sieun accept less.
He will not let complacency convince him that what they had was enough again.
“See you tomorrow,” he says, squeezing the hand.
Sieun stirs upon hearing those familiar words but doesn't respond. Just as Suho thinks he has fallen asleep, he hears Sieun murmur in sleep.
“See… you… thuumo…” Then, a barely audible, “Jaa… gee… yaa… ”
Waves Tsunami of affection washes over him. He holds him impossibly closer.
He will make sure Sieun feels all of his love.
Every.
Single.
Bit.