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The house was quiet, but that was nothing new to Bdubs nowadays. His siblings had all moved out by now, but hey, at least he has his own room. And then his parents? They never spent free time at home.
It was nice, at least Bdubs was convincing himself that it was. A nice quiet house that he could do whatever he wanted in, a teenager's dream.
Too bad he was scared to do anything with this freedom.
Bdubs was far too cowardly to call up any friends while his parents were away this weekend. Not like he had any friends to invite. The person Bdubs dared call his best friend was all the way in Canada, and he knew that he had other best friends. A little ‘Canadian Trio' while he was stuck here in Michigan, all alone in a big and empty house.
He sat still in his room, not touching his phone, just- listening. He listened to the clocks on his wall, all thirty two of them. A collection he tried to be proud of, but it was awfully pathetic compared to the vision he had as a kid. They ticked back and forth, or round and round depending on the clock.
He sat there, not doing anything, for at least forty minutes. His mind wasn't even racing with thoughts or feelings, it was slow and precise. He knew exactly what he needed to do, he just had to find out how.
Bdubs ran though a few possibilities on how he could finally complete the final step. He already did all his weekend chores. He cleaned his room. He even wrote out a text that he scheduled to have sent to Etho the next day at noon, when it would be too late for Etho to do anything to stop him. He had everything planned except how it would end.
He knew exactly where a gun was kept in the house. An unlocked blue case under his dads nightstand. That would likely be one of the quickest ways out. But it was messy, and the neighbors might hear, he couldn't have them looking.
The medicine cabinet was always a safe bet. He stored an old prescription in there a year ago, some antidepressants he lied about taking. They were surely expired by now. But Bdubs was worried it wouldn't finish the job, he could still be alive and just passed out when his parents came home. He couldn't have that.
There was the infamous toaster bath, a quick electrocution. No mess, no risk. But it was such a cliche, Bdubs didn't want to end it the same way a movie or a book character would. Not to mention, his options were to get into water in his clothes, or be found naked, neither sounded tempting.
He could just use a rope and stool. A simple hanging couldn't end wrong. But no one in his family ever had use for a rope, so he wasn't even sure where he could find one.
His car was parked in the garage. He could let the carbon monoxide slowly kill him as he drifted off to sleep. But once again, what if that didn't work? He needed something more certain.
He could take his car and drive somewhere to end it there. Maybe he could go to the city, go to the top of a random building and let himself fall. But he didn't want to traumatize any kids passing by.
Maybe he could drive to the frontrunner. He could step onto the tracks, getting hit at a hundred miles an hour. But that would be painful, and it wasn't even certain. He could jump in front and just get his legs and arms degloved as he screamed in agony as he's rushed to a hospital. His parents would find out much faster that way.
Maybe a bridge over a rushing river. He could dive in, let the rocks break his bones as he quickly drowned in the water. But someone might be there waiting to help a suicidal kid. Bdubs saw that a lot in the movies.
Maybe- maybe he could just drive away. Far into the woods, bringing the gun with him. Maybe he could go to the hunting grounds, no one would find it odd to hear shooting there, even if it wasn't the season.
His body would be found in a day or two, maybe as late as a week. He would get to see the woods he loved oh so much one last time. And he really needed to stop stalling.
It was a plan.
Bdubs hesitated to get up. Was he really about to do this? He had been wanting to for years at this point, but for once, it was as real as it could be.
This would be the last time he would listen to his clocks. The last time he talked with Etho would be that very morning. The last time he saw his parents, a day ago. Heard from his siblings, about a month. It would all be the last, and no one else even knew it.
The more he thought about it, the more content he became with each of those being their lasts.
Bdubs picked up his wrist, checking his watch for the time. It was eleven o' nine PM, same as the date, November ninth. Not too late to leave the house without turning eyes.
Bdubs stood up finally, grabbing his jacket that hung on its hook, knowing it would be cold in the forest. He wrapped himself in the comforting green wool as he shoved his keys in his pocket. His car was a push to start, so he wouldn't need to find the keys again.
He made his way through the hallway,after grabbing the blue case from his parents room, to the garage, passing several family photos. He looked so young in each of them. His mouth felt dry as he walked through the hall, his younger self's eyes staring at him making a decision he couldn't come back from.
Still, he didn't stop.
Finally, now in his car, Bdubs left his home behind for what would be the final time. He drove by his neighbors homes. He drove by the grocery stores and restaurants in town. He drove by the ranch with the horses he would visit during the summer. He drove by his high school with the art class that gave him a place to be himself. He drove by the life he lived, all wrapped up in this one town.
He kept on driving, stoplights changed into stop signs, and those stop signs eventually faded too. It was just one long road Bdubs knew led to a forest often hunted in.
His chest felt empty, his eyes numb, and his hands stiff. Everything felt wrong, but he wasn't going to stop. He looked to the right, checking once again that he had set the gun case there.
The silence was only getting stronger as he refused to turn on the radio. Even the sound of other cars rushing past was becoming scarser.
Sooner than later, Bdubs arrived at the forest. He slowly drove the car further in, making sure to stick to a clearly driven path. Once he could no longer see the main road, he turned off the car, letting himself sit in true silence.
A few tears slowly made their way down his face. He wasn't sure why he was crying; he thought he wanted this. It's just that now- it was all just so real.
He pulled his phone out from his pocket. First he noticed the time, it was just past midnight, then he noticed a text. It was from Etho, about ten minutes ago. It was short and simple, just him asking if Bdubs was still up and if he wanted to play a game, Minecraft to be exact.
He opened the text, knowing it would be marked as read, knowing Etho would see he ignored him, but he still opened it. Immediately after, Bdubs turned off his phone, setting it face up on the dashboard.
He moved his chair all the way back before grabbing the blue case. He unhooked the black larch, keeping it closed, and stared at the gun, resting in padding.
He picked it up slowly, knowing it was already loaded, his dad had told him so long before that night.
He could have rested it against the side of his head, or facing the roof of his mouth, or even aimed straight for his heart. He could have done any of the normal ways, but for some reason, sins held the gun to the back of his neck. He wasn't sure why, but it felt right.
He began crying even harder as he hesitated to pull the trigger.
As if by divine intervention, his phone began to ring. He knew who it was without even needing to look at his screen. There was only one person awake, only one person he knew cared.
He lowered the gun.
Bdubs used his free hand to reach for the phone. He pushed the answer button, but didn't start speaking yet, knowing full well Etho would be able to hear the fact he was just crying.
“Bdubs? Hey! I wasn't expecting you to be awake knowing you,” Etho said from the other side of the line.
Bdubs didn't respond, at least not yet. He was still holding the fun in one hand, and it felt heavier by the minute.
“Well… did you want to play Minecraft or something? Beef is awake and could join, I could check if Doc is online. Or it could be just the two of us, I don't mind either way.”
Bdubs started to sniffle slightly, trying to stay quiet. He wished he was home. He wishes he was sitting at his desk, playing video games with his bear friend. He wished he could feel normal right now. But no, instead he was in the woods, nearly an hour drive from his house, holding a gun he planned on using against himself. He was crying hard now, he knew Etho could definitely hear him.
“Wait what- Bdubs, Bdubs are you okay? What's wrong?” His voice was all of the sudden slightly stronger. Bdubs recognized that as Etho leaning closer to his phone, as if he could reach him through it.
“I'm sorry,” Bdubs choked out. His voice was so strained, so filled with emotions he didn't know how to vocalize.
“Hey it's okay. What's wrong? What happened? Are you injured? Are you safe?” Etho's voice became more and more frantic, clearly scared of what he didn't know. “Do you need an ambulance? I think I have your address written down, I can call you one—”
“—No, don't do that. I don't need an ambulance.” Bdubs' voice was still shaking, but he tried to pull himself together, for Etho. He didn't want Etho to get scared.
“Then why are you crying?” Etho still sounded somewhat frantic, but not as bad as before.
Bdubs didn't respond right away, and Etho didn't push for an answer. After a few minutes, a small click of plastic could be heard as Bdubs closed the gun case. “I don't think I can say why just yet. But will you please stay on the line with me?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course. Anything for you.”
Bdubs slowly drove out of the forest, and back onto the long road home. Etho talked about his day, and asked Bdubs about his. It felt real, it felt normal. But most importantly, it felt safe.