Work Text:
Something is wrong.
Something’s been wrong for a while now, actually. At first, Mafuyu genuinely couldn’t be sure of it. Neither Kanade nor herself were the most conventional, normal people. They both had their ups and downs and they both had their oddities, but this…something was definitely wrong.
It felt like Kanade was taking steps backwards again. It was subtle, but everything the composer did was subtle. It didn’t take a genius to figure that out, once you started living with her. It was just a matter of Mafuyu beginning to actually notice. When it came to Kanade though, subtlety was more dangerous than anything clear and obvious.
Despite her worries, bringing it up was next to impossible. No matter how she tried to ask, Kanade insisted nothing was wrong. She gave Mafuyu that soft little smile of hers, and then she would claim that she felt perfectly okay. Nothing was wrong. Mafuyu couldn’t force it out either. Starting a fight seemed pointless. It would just drive Kanade away instead, wouldn’t it? It was hard to tell with her. When it came to an argument, Kanade was steadfast in not going anywhere when she was being pushed away. But…no one was pushing her away this time. She was the one pushing, and Mafuyu knew well enough that if she gave Kanade enough reason to think it was the right thing to do…she would push off entirely.
It was a difficult territory. One that Mafuyu could freely admit she still wasn’t entirely sure how to traverse. Not with someone that could still be so…surprisingly unpredictable. She took her phone out and checked the time. She still had a bit before she needed to meet up with Ena and Mizuki, there wasn’t any need to rush to the cafe. She didn’t really want to waste a lot of time out here either, though. She wasn’t terribly restless, no, but she was uncomfortable enough that standing still or moving too slow felt like she was sentencing herself to a day of needless overthinking. The clatter of the bottle in the vending machine is what pulls Mafuyu’s attention back to Earth, the young woman crouching down to retrieve the water she had asked for.
“Ah—Asahina-senpai?”
What a familiar, girlish voice. Even with a touch of age, it still sounded too familiar not to recognize, an almost habitual little smile on Mafuyu’s face as she looked behind her and spotted a similarly familiar head of pink hair. A little bit longer than it used to be, but not by much. Just around the shoulders was loose hair, with the rest of it put up in a loose, seemingly blindly put up ponytail. There was an unfamiliar set of glasses sitting over those pink eyes, as well.
“…Otori-San?”
The recognition seems to brighten Emu’s face considerably, though there is that touch of…anxiety? The emotion that was always dampening her happy expressions when they were around each other in secondary school. Mafuyu could quite read it or understand the cause for it when they were younger, and even now she could only ever throw guesses into the wind. It isn’t like they were ever close enough for her to ask. She never really wanted to either, she supposed. It didn’t cross her mind often, to ask her old school acquaintances what they felt about her or what their opinions on her were. She just went along with their whims. Always.
“W-wow! What are the chances of running into you here, huh? Aha…” With a nervous chuckle, the young woman smiled and adjusted the small backpack behind her. She wanted to linger and chat, Mafuyu could tell that much. Something still held her back, though. With a more…tired expression, Mafuyu’s smile fell into a more apologetic one, before she breathed out and looked to the side, fidgeting with the water bottle in her hands. She thought that she was getting better at this. At greeting people as her. Not as the perfect little doll she was before. The one she still was with most people even as more and more of her friends learned of her feelings and accepted them.
In her silence, she hardly noticed Emu’s expression shift into a more surprised sense of curiosity. Seeing Mafuyu quietly struggle with something wasn’t exactly a new experience, but Emu rarely ever had the spine before to actually question why it happened sometimes. She worried about Mafuyu from a distance, but…with so much on her own plate, and so much probably on her senior’s too, the most she could ever do was try and step out of her comfort zone even more and give her some company. Make her smile, like she did for other people.
Of course…it always bothered her that when Mafuyu did smile, it was never…right.
Taking a breath, Emu opened her mouth, her look of concern more blatant than it had been before.
“Asahina-senpai?”
Blinking, the addressed woman stopped and turned her head to Emu. Emus just seemed to fidget for a moment when she was noticed, but gestured over to the bench nearby before looking back at Mafuyu. “Why…don’t we sit down? If you want to, that is.”
“Ah…s…sure. Of course. We can do that.”
Her smile feels more strained than usual. Was she that stressed out? Or maybe Mafuyu was just out of practice with this little act. She didn’t like doing it. It was taxing. Even more so right now, when she could feel the smile falling from her lips even as she sat down next to Emu, eyes on the bottle in her hands. It was a shame, really. She didn’t want to scare the poor girl off. She already acted so uncomfortable with her already, the last thing she needed to do was let her mood drag the chipper young woman down even further.
It’s not always Mafuyu that some people wanted to see again. It was that girl that they went to school with. The one with the bright eyes and the empty smile.
“Um…a-are you…are you okay?”
“Of course I am, Otori-San. I’m just a little tired, I think. Sorry if I worried you.”
“Senpai—I’m serious. If you want to talk…that’s okay!”
Mafuyu glanced at Emu, confused. The girl was looking at her now, a little bit more certain that she looked before.
“I...I know I acted really weird around you in school. Back then, I always found you kind of scary. I never really knew why. I know no one else did—you would smile at everyone and reassure people, but sometimes when I saw your smile...I don’t know.” Emu sighed, scratching at the side of her face with a finger. “There was something when you smiled. You...didn’t look like you wanted to do that. It wasn’t genuine.”
Mafuyu blinked, staring at the other young woman for a moment, then glancing at her lap. Hm. She could see that?
“I know this is a little silly of me to ask but...can I…”
“You want to know what that was about,” Mafuyu interrupted, glancing back at Emu, and this time watching her with that more neutral, calmer expression. Of course she wanted to know. She probably deserved to know. She did her best despite never really knowing the truth, or knowing why Mafuyu’s smiles unsettled her so much. She could have just left Mafuyu alone. Stopped trying to be around for her altogether. She didn’t do that. Emu had persistence. She had a lot of heart.
Sighing, Mafuyu crossed her arms and shook her head. “I wasn’t as happy as I tried to look. That’s the truth. Some people already knew about it, but the face that I wore at school around everyone else...it wasn’t me. It wasn’t how I felt. I was just...faking something. To look happy, I guess.”
Emu nodded slowly, looking at the ground. She...wasn’t surprised at all, to hear the truth. Maybe all along she had suspected it. But not knowing if it was the truth...she’d never assume it. So she just continued with the unknown of why her senpai looked like that all the time. It sounded a little bit odd to put into words, but...knowing it now, did make her feel a little bit better. Knowing the truth made it less scary. It made her sad, sure…but she knew now.
“So how you’re acting right now?”
“This is how I really am.”
They’re both quiet for a moment. Mafuyu looks forward, letting Emu digest that information. Honestly, she considers excusing herself and just...moving on. She didn’t really know how to bring this up with old schoolmates, still. Sure, they were never that close, but...she still had difficulty sometimes, trying to explain something so unusual to any of them. There was always a chance that they wouldn’t understand.
The sound of giggling is what got her attention first. By the time she looked over at the other young woman, she was just...laughing. Softly, but it was definitely genuine, light-hearted laughter.
“...Otori-san?”
“S...sorry—I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be rude.” Emu smiled a little bit, softly, her laughter dying down as she met Mafuyu’s confused gaze. “I’m relieved. Thank you for telling me about that, Senpai. Suddenly...it makes a lot more sense. Honestly, it makes so much sense that I feel kind of silly for never realizing it.”
Her expression looked more apologetic, for a moment. “...I’m sorry I didn’t.”
“No, it’s all right. A lot of people didn’t. And at that time...I don’t think I would have wanted them to.”
“Yeah but...maybe we would’ve been friends, if I had. I would have wasted a lot less time being scared of you, that’s for sure.”
Friends, huh? Mafuyu isn’t sure. She had trouble determining who was a a friend and who wasn’t. “Otori-san...you were still someone important to those years, I think. I couldn’t say if we would’ve become friends or not, but you were still closer than most other people. So thanks.”
At that, the woman beamed, seemingly satisfied to hear that. “I see...well, that makes me really happy, actually! Thanks, Senpai.”
“Just...just Mafuyu, is fine. Really.”
“Ah...okay. If you’re sure...Mafuyu? You should just call me Emu, then! So I was too chicken back then to be your actual friend, but...that doesn’t mean I can’t start trying now, right?”
Mafuyu blinked, staring at her for a moment. She was...surprised, maybe. She couldn’t tell for sure what she was feeling. It wasn’t a bad feeling. Actually, she felt a familiar warmth in her chest. The kind of warmth she felt when she was among people she knew she didn’t have to doubt. It was...oddly comfortable, despite how exhausting the very aura this woman still gave off was.
“I don’t suppose you can’t.”
Emu smiled. She dug in her pocket, pulling her cell phone out and tapping at the screen. “Well...baby steps, okay? Would it be okay if we swapped numbers? Maybe next time we both have time, we can do something. It doesn’t just have to be us, either. Okay?”
“That’s all right. Here.” Mafuyu pulled her phone out, pulling up her contacts. After a few moments of the two of them exchanging information, the phones were put away, and Emu hopped back onto her feet, swinging her bag back around to her back.
“I better get moving though—I had to head back to campus real quick to meet with a professor. I’ll talk to you later?”
Mafuyu nodded, offering Emu just the most subtle smile. Not a fake one like the ones that scared her before. A real one, no matter how small or lackluster it was. Emu was happy to see that. Waving, she turned and hurried off, leaving Mafuyu to her own devices once again. She took a breath, gripping her water bottle a little bit tighter before she stood back up. Right. That was...surprisingly refreshing. She did have somewhere to be soon, though. She needed to move as well.
Getting to the diner is a breeze. At this point it’s like a second home to their entire little group. Inside, Ena and Mizuki were already at the usual booth, sitting side by side and chatting excitedly about something, from the looks of it. It’s not until Mafuyu is closer to them that Mizuki notices her and waves, prompting Ena’s attention as well.
“You made it! You’re usually a lot earlier than we are.” Mizuki chuckled, taking a bite of a french fry from the basket sitting in the center of the table. Mafuyu slid into the other side of the booth.
“Sorry...I ran into someone.”
“Ohhh, who? Someone we know?”
“...yes. It was Otori-san.”
“Oh, Emu? Whoa—I haven’t heard from her in a bit. Is she doing okay?”
“It seems that way. We only caught up a little bit. She seems to be in the middle of school.”
Ena nodded now, smiling a bit. “Mm. Business major, I think she’d mentioned. Well I’m glad she’s still at it. She’s going to take over her family’s business in no time with that kind of determination.”
Mafuyu glanced over at Ena, then after a thoughtful moment she nodded in agreement. “I’m sure. I wasn’t interrupting a discussion?”
“Oh no. We were just talking about Mizuki’s overseas studying. That’s coming up next year, you know.”
“Oh. That’s right…” It wasn’t too much of an upset, to Mafuyu. They all still talked on Nightcord, even still made music. They didn’t devote as many countless hours to it as before, sure, but that was merely because getting older meant most of them had new responsibilities to keep up with and juggle. Mizuki herself was getting ready to leave next year to study abroad, managing to get a rather once in a lifetime opportunity to study design with her sister’s commendation and help. “Are your preparations going okay so far?”
“Yeah!” Mizuki gave Mafuyu a thumbs up, grinning. “Paperwork’s been finalized, and we’ve got the financial stuff squared away, so it’s just the wait at this point. And sorting out all the little stuff. But I think I got it.”
“Mm—” Ena interrupted, finishing her sip of her drink before putting it back down and gesturing to Mafuyu. “We’re here for you, aren’t we? Are you going to tell us what’s going on?”
“Right…” Mafuyu rested her hands in her lap, not sure how to explain. “...I...don’t know what’s going on.”
“You don’t…” Ena glanced at Mizuki. The two of them exchanged looks, and Mizuki looked back at Mafuyu with a small frown. It was Ena that spoke, though. “...Kanade?”
The lyricist sighed and nodded. “She’s been getting distant again. Especially now…”
“Huh…” Mizuki chewed on a fry, thinking. “I mean...I know it was a surprised to Ena and I to realize you two were dating—”
“Which you guys didn’t even tell us, thanks very much,” Ena interjected, frowning. Mizuki ignored her, continuing after.
“But...that’s only because she just didn’t seem like she was in a place to be into anyone. You, if anyone. But...isn’t this the same Kanade that we have to convince to have a good time because she operates like she doesn’t think she should?”
Mafuyu sighed, crossing her arms and leaning back in her seat. “...I know that. It’s…” It hasn’t come up. It was complicated. Mafuyu always had trouble trying to put names and proper descriptions on her feelings, while Kanade pushed hers down in favor of her music and goal. But what all was hiding there, behind how Kanade operated?
Mafuyu...she didn’t know. She didn’t really ask. Kanade never felt a reason to share without being prompted, or without some reason that connected to forming some kind of emotional connection with Mafuyu’s situation. If it didn’t fit into those categories...Kanade simply never spoke of her feelings. She didn’t open up. It wasn’t something Mafuyu really lingered on. Not that she didn’t care. But...but what?
“It’s what?” It was Ena that spoke this time. Mafuyu looked at her. Then, she looked back at the table.
“...I don’t know.”
Ena sighed. “I’m used to hearing that phrase from you, but come on. This is about Kanade now.”
“I know that. But...I really don’t know.” Mafuyu’s brows furrowed, her normally neutral expression giving away some of the anxiety that was prickling underneath her skin, bothering her for days like that feeling she got when dealing with an insect somewhere unwelcome of bugs crawling directly on her. She...hadn’t realized it was bothering her this much, actually. Maybe there was something in Mafuyu’s posture or silence that Ena saw something in as well, but the agitated look on her face faded, a spark of concern tugging a small frown onto her lips.
“Look...let’s start somewhere, then. We all know how Kanade usually is. But what’s going on that made you suddenly want to meet up and talk about it?”
“It’s worse. It’s not just that she’s suddenly being distant again. There’s something different about it. Something’s wrong.”
“What’s wrong, exactly? Can you...give us anything?”
“She’s pushing me away, I think. Just...suddenly. More than she did before. She’s doing the bare minimum to take care of herself again, and even without us there as often to help her, she’s still working on music more, even trying to write lyrics without trying to bother me about it. When I try to ask if she’s okay or if I can do anything, she just...says it’s okay. She tries to brush me off and excuses herself. She’s running from me. And I don’t know what to do, other than...be more forceful, maybe.”
“But you’re worried that might make it worse.”
Mafuyu nodded. Mizuki leaned back with a sigh, clicking her tongue once. “That’s our composer, huh? Always the toughest nut to crack.” Despite the lighthearted words, she knew she was right about it. She didn’t sound happy to admit that, either. “You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t think that it was getting to a huge worry point, either.”
“...yeah. I just don’t want her to hurt herself, somehow…” Or go back to it. Or do something worse, whatever all those options may be.
“Mafuyu…” Ena’s arms folded on the table, a more serious look on her face as she looked at the other woman. “We...you, can’t keep dancing around it. You’re going to have to get her to talk to you. We all know she isn’t going to just do that herself. She’ll do anything to avoid it. She’s going to avoid it until it’s too much. She’s done it before.”
She’ll do it again. Mafuyu knew that. People learn from their mistakes, normally. But Kanade...her guilt ran too deep. Things she needed to let sink in, she kept afloat. In sight to keep concern off of her, but never taken to heart. Not enough to move past the problem. Ena spoke again, and Mafuyu looked over at her, meeting the artist’s serious stare.
“You...care about her, don’t you? We know you do. Whatever kind of care that is, you do care.”
“I do.”
“Then don’t leave her alone thinking that this is going to blow over. You should know her better than either of us.”
“I...I don’t think I do.”
“But you do. I mean...even if it’s not a lot more, it’s still more. You know her a hell of a lore more personally than we do. You probably don’t think so, but you do. You know her well enough that you understand none of us can trust her to get herself through whatever this is.”
“Ena…” Mizuki looked over at the young woman, startled to hear it said so bluntly.
Ena sighed, frowning, but somber about what she said no matter how harsh it still was. “I don’t like saying it. But it’s the truth. She never looked down the same roads we tried to. She was always looking the other way. She lives like she doesn’t think she’s going to see thirty. Of course I don’t trust her to try. Not yet.”
“Ena, isn’t that a li—”
“No. She’s right.” Mafuyu interrupted Mizuki firmly, her hands clasping in her lap. “...she’s still stuck. I know she is.” Of course, she knows it’s because of her too. At the end of the day, it wasn’t Mafuyu’s fault. But Mafuyu also knew that if anyone needed to say something—it was her.
“Sorry that I can’t really say anything more helpful.” Ena’s serious gaze softened a little bit, but Mafuyu shook her head.
“No...that helps, actually. A lot, I think. Thank you, Ena.”
“Anytime.” Ena did spare a small smile, at the thanks. “But if you think you need more backup, keep us in the loop, okay? We all care about Kanade. We don’t want to see her hurt.”
“Yeah. Of course. I...I should probably head back. She’s probably still home.”
“Hell yeah, go get ‘em.” Mizuki held up an encouraging fist, causing Ena to sigh louder and rub her head. “You know how to grab us if you need us.”
“Yeah. Thank you both.” Mafuyu pulled herself out of the booth, leaving with a wave to hurry back to Kanade’s house, her anxiety still steeping in her chest. She had to do something. All these years of everyone doing what they could for her called for something back, didn’t it? She could handle doing that much, couldn’t she? Her key slipped into the door as she let herself into the dark house, shutting the door and frowning as she made a beeline for the first floor hallway. She stopped in front of Kanade’s door, seeing it was still partially open. Slowly, she took a step forward and gently pushed the door open, peering in. She wasn’t surprised to see the girl seated at her desk like usual. Her leg was folded up, foot resting on the chair as she seemed to anxiously bite at the nail of her thumb, eyes narrowed and glaring at the screen in front of her as if she was stuck on something.
“...Kanade?”
All at once, that expression forced itself off of the composer’s face. She turned to Mafuyu, surprised at first but then smiling tired at her, the dark circles under her eyes more present than they usually were. Sunken, from both persisting hunger and sleepless work. She was more used to eating a little more regularly, wasn’t she? Mafuyu only imagined that suddenly depriving herself again hurt more than she was used to.
“Mafuyu. You’re back. Everything okay?”
“Everything...is fine. Are you...okay, Kanade?”
“Yeah, of course. I even ate while you were out.”
That felt like a lie. Could Kanade always lie so smoothly to her like that? Maybe only when it came to her health. No doubt the composer was used to that sort of thing.
“Oh? What did you end up eating?” Mafuyu’s question was masked carefully in its usual, neutral tone. Kanade looked up for a moment, thinking.
“The leftover beef stew.”
She thought about her answer before Mafuyu had even come home. Backup answers and plans to cover poorly laid out lies. Why was she doing this now? It...agitated the lyricist. It frustrated her, as well as confused her.
“Stop.”
“Huh?” Blinking, Kanade looked at Mafuyu, genuinely confused. Thrown off. “What’s wrong, Mafuyu? Talk to me.”
“I...it’s not me that needs to do that.” Frowning, Mafuyu stepped into the room, eyeing Kanade with an emotion Kanade couldn’t immediately read. The only thing she did understand in that moment, is the fleeting sense of...alarm, skipping across her nerves. The slight adrenaline her brain was commanding into her body for reasons she didn’t fully understand. Why was she suddenly so anxious?
“Mafuyu?”
“Kanade, what’s going on? Why do you keep lying to me?”
“I don’t…? What are you talking about?”
“You haven’t slept. You’re barely eating. I don’t think you’ve actually eaten since I’ve been gone. You’re lying to my face so comfortably.”
“H-huh?” Mafuyu walked closer, and Kanade just about shrank into her seat, startled. The young woman reached over, grabbing the composer’s hand and pulling, demanding she get out of the chair. With a slight stumble, she did. “W-wait—hold on!”
“We need to talk about this. Please. Come on.”
“There’s nothing to talk about? L-let go—”
Kanade stumbled after Mafuyu, but the two of them stopped just at the door frame, Mafuyu looking at her with a more visible look of...grief, on her face. A subtle kind of anxiety.
“I don’t think I can keep watching you do this. You’re going back to your old habits, Kanade. I just want to know what’s going on.”
Kanade grimaced, pulling at her arm slightly, despite Mafuyu’s tightened grip. “That’s not—I’m fine, Mafuyu. Just...I’m just trying to finish something.”
“That’s not what this is.”
“Stop.” Kanade yanked her hand free, though Mafuyu’s fingers still managed to catch the end of her sleeve, the lyricist insistent.
“Stop pushing me away, Kanade. I just want to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. You know what I’m trying to do, what more is there?”
“There’s a lot more. More than I thought.”
That sentence stops Kanade in her tracks. She stared at Mafuyu for a moment, unreadable. As fleeting as it is, there’s a moment of...panic, in her eyes. Disbelief, then panic. A very familiar sense of pure anxiety that Mafuyu’s seen on her before. But before she could even react, she felt both of Kanade’s hands on her arm, and a sudden, surprisingly rough shove sent her stumbling past the boundaries of Kanade’s room. She lost her footing, falling and hitting the floor with a grunt, hearing a door slam in the midst of everything happening.
Then, the sound of a lock clicking. With a huff, Mafuyu looked back up at the door in front of her. Firmly shut. Scrambling back onto her feet, her hands grab the knob, but it refused to turn beyond just a slight movement, before the locking mechanism within stopped it hard.
“Kanade...Kanade!”
“I’m sorry. Please just...j-just let me work.”
“Open the door!”
“I won’t do anything dangerous. I just want to work!”
“Stop it, Kanade—”
“Just stop! J-just leave me alone!”
That’s the last demand. She hears footsteps march away from the door. A hand pulls from the doorknob and bangs once against the surface of the door, Mafuyu grimacing. Her other hand drops from the door as her head rests against the wood, her body suddenly exhausted. This was worse than she thought. So much worse.
Inside of the room, Kanade practically fell back into her computer chair, inhaling sharply as she refused to look at the door she had locked tight. She shouldn’t have done that. She shouldn’t have pushed Mafuyu. But she needed to do this. She had to do something. She can’t keep doing nothing, or else...or else all she’d been doing all this time was just…theft. Stealing what wasn’t hers.
She can’t leave now. She can’t stop. Her stomach ached sharply, but she didn’t care anymore. With a frustrated noise, she grabbed the empty ramen cup next to her keyboard and sharply threw it aside, ignoring the sound of the light cup clattering against the floor.
She can’t afford to take any more of what she hadn’t earned yet.
She can’t leave here until she proved she deserved to exist outside of this space.
She can’t fail. She can’t lose Mafuyu. She just can’t. She can’t take the thought of failing the one promise she made.
She just…
She can’t take this.