Archive of Our Own

It’s been a day. Maybe a day and a half. Two?

Does it really matter? What does matter to Mafuyu...is that Kanade’s door hadn’t opened once since it had been shut in her face. The lock hadn’t budged once. Nothing she tried to say to the door got a response.

It’s been two days.

She had no way of getting through to the girl. She wasn’t answering her phone, Miku and the others couldn’t even get to it...the occasion that they could get through the monitors, they said they were either ignored, or greeted with hostility. They couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not. At least Mafuyu knew she was alive in there. But at the end of the day, Kanade needed to be more than just breathing for this to pass. Whatever it was she was doing in there...it wasn’t living.

At first, Mafuyu had tried asking to be let back in. Just...asking. Throughout the first day, she just asked. She even tried to ask if Kanade was okay. Did she need anything? Didn’t she want some water, or something to eat? Can’t she at least unlock the door?

What is she doing wrong?

She didn’t ask that. She only thought it.

Every time she walked by, she found herself staring at the door. She tried to at least take care of her daily plans. She couldn’t neglect her own life. But she couldn’t stop thinking about Kanade’s, either.

[She still isn’t answering.]

[Shit...no one from the sekai’s been able to talk to her either?]

[No. They can’t get to her phone, and they say she ignores them even on the monitor. If anything she gets agitated that she can’t see her work.]

Mafuyu stared at her laptop screen, fingers anxiously tapping against the table she sat at in the bedroom she called hers, living with Kanade. Well...Kanade had clarified it was one her own room. Just that, she used her father’s work room as her bedroom at this point. Once in a while, she would come back in here. Either she was invited to or she merely...wanted to. She would just spend her time in here with Mafuyu and talk or anything really, until they turned in for the night.

The lyricist liked the sound of that, right about now. Was it normal to miss someone that was still in the house? At this point...Kanade was so locked away from her that she might as well consider that dark little work room an entirely different territory. Someplace made off-limits.

[Yuki? Yuki ???]

[???]

[Sorry. I was thinking.]

[You’re really worried about her, huh? I mean—so are we. If she hasn’t come out at all...does she even have water and food in there?]

[Probably her kettle and ramen. But I can’t say for sure. She’s worked without eating despite that.]

[Yeah…]

[Well we’re coming up on the second day. If you need our help dragging her out of there somehow, please tell us. Okay? We can’t leave her in there.]

[I know. Thank you.]

It was no surprise that she wasn’t able to sleep. She did try. She tried to lay down and just...empty her head. Think about anything but Kanade. But it was hard. Everything flashed back to Kanade, and that door. Every detail of that damned door. The worn wood, the doorknob that really needed to be replaced, the strangely functional lock...every grain on the wood. In a matter of minutes, that’s exactly what she was staring at again. The door. Has it ever bothered her this much?

At least before when Kanade fell into old habits, she still left the room. She pretended to care about looking like she was trying. She pretended to be a living human, regardless of if she felt like one or not. How often did she feel like one, Mafuyu wondered? She never talked about it—it was one of those things she didn’t acknowledge to other people. One of those things that made her seem like she needed people. Kanade Yoisaki couldn’t need people, right? That meant she couldn’t be the person people needed. That’s what she convinced herself of, anyway.

Mafuyu wasn’t stupid. She knew all of that already. She had ideas of what Kanade thought of herself. She had no right to assume or just jump to such conclusions, but...then again, she also shouldn’t have simply gone day by day just allowing it to go unaddressed. It’s just like Ena said...Kanade couldn’t be trusted to pull herself through. She didn’t know how to, and she wouldn’t want to.

Why was that?

Mafuyu’s hand rested against the door. “...Kanade?”

Nothing. Gently, Mafuyu’s forehead rested against the wood that she stared so steadily at. Closing her eyes for a moment, she pondered about the tight feeling in her chest. The chill and heaviness that she felt.

“I miss you.”

Still, nothing. Somehow, it stings more than some careless insult or uncharacteristic brush-off. It was just silence, and for some reason that felt colder. “Did I do something wrong?”

Say something. Please. Anything. Mafuyu rolled herself over, her back resting against the door as she slid down to the floor, sigh quiet under her breath. Of course she did. She didn’t try harder. She didn’t know that was something that she had to do. She didn’t know how to navigate this labyrinth that Kanade hid herself in. The back of her head touched the door, eyes staring at the ceiling.

“...have you finally started to hate me, maybe?”

For a moment, she merely assumed that the only thing that would answer her now is the silent ambiance of the house. The sounds of the insects and animals outside. The occasional voice or car.

“...of course not.”

Kanade’s voice is a whisper, somewhere past the door. Barely audible and a little bit hoarse, as if the composer had to force her voice to speak loud enough to be heard. Mafuyu could almost scoff at the remark. She wouldn’t let her in, and she wouldn’t hate her. Then why did she bother letting Mafuyu get that close in the first place? What was the point if she was going to act like this now? What were they doing? She couldn’t tell if she was exhausted, angry, or sad. She didn’t feel like she had a right to be. It wasn’t like she knew what she was doing half the time either. Did she know what she was doing with Kanade? At any point?

Pushing herself onto her feet, Mafuyu walked into the kitchen, pulling a chair out and slumping into it, her arms stretching out onto the table and eyes staring down at it.

...now what?

Did she let her stay in there and just...hope she comes out? No, she can’t do that. Kanade takes these things too far. She’ll stay there until her body pays for it. She didn’t even know if she was drinking anything or eating anything. If she was working, she probably...wasn’t.

It’s been two days.

The thought is gut-wrenching. It chilled her to the bone to even consider leaving Kanade alone like that, in this kind of condition. She...she didn’t even know what that condition was. She didn’t know why Kanade was spiraling this hard. But did it even matter when it was going to put the frail composer into an early grave, at this rate?

“What are you doing?”

The oddly digital voice broke through the silence of the kitchen, immediately grabbing the young woman’s attention. Digging for her phone, she pulled it out and placed it on the table, watching as the screen lit up with a steady blue glow. A familiar man’s shape flickered to life above the screen, arms crossed and cold eyes glaring at Mafuyu.

“Kaito?”

“Why are you sitting around sulking instead of trying to find a way in there?”

“Excuse me?” For a moment, Mafuyu actually feels irate to hear that accusation. Mad. Even Kaito sees it. He only acknowledges it for a fleeting moment though, before he frowned at her.

“She’s still only working. I haven’t seen a single sign that she’s touched the food she has in there or moved that kettle at all today. It’s probably fortunate she hasn’t even touched those drinks she always has sitting on her desk.”

Mafuyu’s fingers twitched, arms folding on the table as she made a face, looking down at the wood.

“Must you all always be so passive about everything that shouldn’t be handled like that?”

“What does that mean?”

“Why do you treat her like you do? Do you remember how much you used to insist that what was happening with your mother was acceptable and excusable? You pushed and you pushed until things got so bad you couldn’t ignore it anymore. You denied it until it fell apart. And now you’re doing it again.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“That’s exactly what you’re doing. But now you’re going to hurt someone else instead by doing it. You’re going to keep sitting here trying to justify why you haven’t confronted Kanade about her behavior, hoping it’ll blow over before something irreversible happens.”

“That’s not--!” Mafuyu tensed, her voice raising for a moment before she caught herself. Her jaw tensed as she stared at Kaito, a mixture of anger and shame bare and unmasked on her face. “That’s not...my intention…”

“That doesn’t matter. She’s isolating herself. She always has been. She’s counting on your inaction. She’s counting on all of you to believe she’s going to be fine again after her next slap on the wrist.”

Mafuyu fell quiet, averting her eyes from Kaito. She knew he was right. She’s always known that. “Am I even the person to demand she speak to me? Is it okay for me to feel like that?”

“Don’t ask me that. That’s a ridiculous question anyway. You’re the one needed right now. It doesn’t matter. Do something, before you lose the chance to do anything at all.”

With that, he vanished and so did the phone’s blue glow, leaving Mafuyu alone in the kitchen once again. This wasn’t the first time she’s been alone in this room, with this heavy and suffocating atmosphere. It probably wasn’t going to be the last time. Standing up, the sound of the chair’s legs scraping against the floor in protest broke through the quiet like violence in a peaceful town. Running a hand against the side of her face, Mafuyu stared at the sink absentmindly as she went over her options. She...needed to do something.

Anything.

She left the kitchen. She started to search the closets and boxes of things organized and put out of the way. She needed something...a tool maybe. When she caught sight of the old, silver and black claw hammer in one of the stashed away boxes of belongings that probably belonged to Kanade’s father, her fingers wrapped around it firmly, getting a proper feel for it before she pulled it out and examined it. It was good enough. She felt like she was on a timer she couldn’t see. She didn’t really want to see it. That was exactly why she needed to do this now. It’s been two days, and it could not be three. Kanade wouldn’t survive three.

“Kanade.” Once again, she found herself in front of the composer’s door, but this time she held the hammer tight in her hand, and her purple and blue eyes were staring harder at it. She could be a lot more stubborn than this door, if she needed to be. “Open the door.”

She waited. Nothing but silence. Maybe a movement from within, but nothing that indicated movement. Just...nothing. Her grip tightened. “Fine.”

That was the only warning. She raised the hammer, staring down the doorknob before bringing it back down in a calculated arc. The collision of metal with denser metal was loud and jarring compared to the usual silence of this house. It echoed off the walls, and there was a clatter inside of the room on the other side. Things falling off of a desk, and a curse.

“Mafuyu?!”

This time, it was Mafuyu who wasn’t answering. Instead, she pulled her arm back, and then took another swing. She was careful, but at the same time she was pouring her frustration and her desire to actually talk to Kanade, for once, behind those swings. Using force to break down the one thing standing between her and what she wanted.

Ironic. This was something that she’s been trying to get herself to do about anything for years now. So why now?

Every swing was moving the doorknob more and more. She was going to actually break this door, but she would worry about that later. This seemed dire enough for that not to matter. Making a face, Mafuyu brought down one more aggressive swing with a grunt, and suddenly the door knob was forced out of its hole, clattering to the floor along with the racket of every other screw and piece that came with it. With a huff, she knocked the head of the hammer into the door’s hole to knock whatever was left loose before dropping the hammer to the floor and shoving the door open.

The room looked exactly as she expected. Papers were scattered more than usual, the bed looked hardly used if at all, the keyboard had ended up on the floor from Kanade’s reaction to the noises, and the composer herself was standing up, chair shoved away from the desk in a hurry and the young woman herself in front of her synthesizers, now staring at Mafuyu with disbelief and alarm.

“M-My door?!” God, her voice sounded terrible. Up close, it sounded more obvious that she had been doing one thing only while in here. Only one thing. Mafuyu marched up to her, looming over her as she reached over and impulsively grabbed the girl’s wrist, getting a wince out of her. “W-what—h-hey!”

Mafuyu wasn’t listening. She forced Kanade’s sleeves up, inspecting her almost for anywhere she might have been hurt. Kanade struggled, but it was a feeble attempt between the lack of food or water in her, as well as the already wide difference between their strengths. “That hurts—stop it!”

Mafuyu blinked, loosening her grip enough for Kanade to jerk her arm out of the lyricist’s grasp. No injuries really. There was some bruising and scrapes on Kanade’s hands...she wasn’t sure what it could be from. “What’s wrong with you, Kanade?”

“Well for one, you broke my door.”

“Stop—that’s not what I meant, you know that.”

Kanade opened her mouth, but then she grimaced and averted her eyes, hand on her freed wrist. “G...You need to leave. I’m not done.”

“Done what? Kanade, you’ve been in here for two whole days.”

“It’s not enough—I-I’m not done! I need to...I-I need to make the song. I can’t waste any more time not doing it…”

“Excuse me? Kanade, please, just tell me what’s wrong—you’re suddenly acting like before—”

“That’s exactly what’s wrong!” Kanade abruptly raised her voice, cutting Mafuyu off and startling the taller woman. Kanade’s arms drop, rigid at her sides as she glares at the floor, jaw tense. “I never should have stopped! I could have made progress! I...I let myself get distracted—I let myself indulge in things that I haven’t even earned yet...I let myself get lost by your side and I just let myself forget all about the one thing I’m supposed to be doing!”

“There is nothing you’re supposed to be doing, Kanade! That’s just you!”

“The song, Mafuyu! It’s—it’s the damn song! It’s always been that song! Th-the one I’m supposed to make for you! The one that’s supposed to make everything clear again for you! Show you who you are! I’m supposed to be saving you! I wasn’t supposed to be like this! Confused and distracted by...by feelings that just get in the way! Having fun, when I’m not even supposed to have that! What have I done to earn that right?! I haven’t done anything to deserve everything I’ve taken!”

Her hands rise to her head, fingers anxiously digging themselves against the sides of her head, burying into white hair as she breathed out, breath shaky and loud. Her entire body was trembling with energy that it couldn’t even sustain right now. She wasn’t staring at anything specifically—she didn’t even know what was in front of her eyes right now. “Everything that I feel, everything that I want—I can’t. I can’t do this! I can’t—I can’t I just can’t—”

“Kanade...Kanade! Hey!” Mafuyu stepped forward, reaching out. Without warning, she was met with Kanade’s hands suddenly leaving the girl’s own head and slapping away her own harshly. Kanade backed into the synthesizer’s behind her. “Nobody gets it—what I’m trying to do, I-I can’t...that’s the only thing I need to do. I don’t need to do anything else. I don’t need anything else! S-so why...why now? I-I…”

“Kanade, slow down. Look at me, please—”

“N-no, I need to...I…” The composer flinched away from Mafuyu’s approach. It was like trying to come near a feral animal. For a moment, Kanade looked directly at Mafuyu—lucid, but confused. Terrified, for some reason. Then a beat later, she was trying to hurry past Mafuyu instead, practically shoving to move her and rush by. Fortunately, Mafuyu was quick enough to reach out and grab her, first a handful of her jacket before pulling her and grabbing the woman’s upper arm with her other hand.

“N-no, no no—Let go! Stop it!” Kanade turned herself around, grabbing at Mafuyu’s hand to try and wrench herself free. She needed to get out of here. Or get Mafuyu out of here. Anything at all—she just needed to do something more than this. More than standing around and rotting without a purpose.

There isn’t any power behind her grab. No force behind her thin, frail fingers. Mafuyu grabbed both of Kanade’s arms to try and get her to keep still, both of them struggling for completely different things now. Like an animal with nothing else it could do to escape, Kanade just...pushed. She wasn’t thinking. She just did the only thing she had left to try and get out of this situation. With Mafuyu holding tight to her though, that meant the both of them were going down now, Mafuyu first as the back of her head hit the floor, her ears ringing for a moment as she struggled to focus on keeping her fingers around Kanade’s arms. That hurt—the idea of letting Kanade get away from her right now hurt more, though. Kanade pulled one of her arms closer to herself, still trying to pull herself free. With a grunt and no clear thought to it, the composer opened her mouth and bit down on Mafuyu’s hand; an act of pure desperation. The bite was significantly harsher than anything Kanade could have tried to do with any other part of her body, in the state that she was in. Mafuyu let a hissed breath leave past her grit teeth, grip loosening just briefly, but enough for Kanade’s arm to actually slip out of her fingers. In a scramble, Mafuyu cursed and just grabbed anything she could, twisting her fingers into Kanade’s jacket and shirt blindly.

“Stop, Kanade!”

“No! Please! Let me go! Please, please—just...I...p-please…!” The pleading was...frightening. She was so desperate to get out of here. So desperate to avoid her. Desperate to drive herself into the ground until she couldn’t survive anymore.

Has it always been this bad?

Mafuyu blinked, watching quietly as she realized that Kanade had started to cry. Not even the composer herself seemed to realize the tears were building in her eyes enough that they couldn’t hold themselves in place any longer.

“I’m not going to.” Frowning, Mafuyu steeled herself, bringing earlier’s determination back to her tone. “Talk to me, Kanade. Please. I want to talk about this. I want to know what’s wrong.” Her jaw tensed subtly, a lingering and echoing thought ringing in her head until she couldn’t help but trail behind her words with it spoken out loud. “I want to know what’s been wrong all this time.”

Kanade trembled in Mafuyu’s tight grasp, the composer’s ability to struggle fading too quickly for her to stop. Her adrenaline had worn itself out. Her body had nothing else to give her efforts. It was a failure, just like the rest of her. “It’s just me...that’s it. You want to know so badly? I’m the one that’s wrong. I’ve been the one wrong for years. Since dad collapsed. Maybe before then. Maybe I was never supposed to be here at all.”

Strands of long hair slipped past Kanade’s shoulders, falling around Mafuyu and draping onto the floor. Kanade wasn’t looking at Mafuyu. She looked past her. Anywhere but her. She didn’t deserve to look at someone like Mafuyu.

“All I was supposed to do was save people...that’s all. For all the pain I caused, it’s the least I can do. I wanted to save you so much...I-I don’t...I don’t know what comes after that, but...I don’t care. As long as you felt like you again...as long as you smiled. As long as you could look at me...a-and tell me that I finally did it. I saved someone. I saved someone. I saved you. Nothing else mattered.”

Mafuyu frowned, watching the composer slowly...come apart, above her. It was intimately personal, the way Kanade unraveled at all of her loose, worn seams. It almost felt like Mafuyu shouldn’t even be watching her do this, despite asking her to. Like she needed to look away. Give her privacy.

She couldn’t do that now though. That was why Kanade was here now. Wasn’t that why she got away with this, all this time? The rest of them, feeling like they needed to stay out of her way. Keep their noses out of her business. Kaito was right. Mafuyu didn’t want to admit that, but that’s how it was.

“I don’t need your songs, Kanade.”

Kanade’s eyes widened at that remark. It tore at her gut to hear, somehow. Regardless of Mafuyu’s intent behind her words, they felt like poison in Kanade’s empty shell of a body.

“Please don’t say that.”

“Kanade—no. I’m going to be upfront. That...it’s not what’s most important to me. I need more than just some song. Do you understand what I mean?”

“I...n-no. Not at all. That’s all I can give you, Mafuyu. That’s all...th-that I can do…”

“It is not.”

“Y-you’re not hearing me—” She was starting to pull again. Mafuyu huffed, pulling Kanade down against her and wrapping her arms tight around the composer. If she couldn’t get free before, she definitely couldn’t struggle against the surprisingly tight embrace, both a restraint and a desperate offer of comfort. “Stop it! W-why won’t you stop?! Mafuyu—” So much shouting. Mafuyu’s never heard her shout so much...Kanade hardly ever raised her voice like this. How much was sitting in this small woman? Festering and neglected; rotting away where Kanade refused to acknowledge. It rotted until it infected everything around it, like it was trying to consume her whole until there was nothing alive left in there.

It’s such a dark place. It’s such a familiar place. Mafuyu’s been here before. Maybe not in the same way. But the environment itself felt so disturbingly familiar.

“If you’ve been like this all this time, then what’s happening now? Kanade...why are you suddenly so desperate to pull away? Why are you suddenly trying to work yourself to death like there’s suddenly some kind of deadline?”

“Because there is. Because I took things that don’t belong to me, Mafuyu. I felt things that I wasn’t allowed to. Because I want things I can’t have.” There’s that poetic language again. Indirect language that only teased the idea of what was wrong without ever being honest about it. It was...exhausting. Mafuyu felt her chest tighten.

“Just say it, Kanade. Be direct with me. Please. These aren’t song lyrics, I’m trying to talk to you.”

“It’s because I love you!” Kanade hissed the words through her teeth, just about. Like it hurt her viscerally to say. Mafuyu’s words failed her as Kanade’s words hung in the air. The composer wasn’t struggling anymore. “Just allowing myself to feel so close to any of you feels like some kind of...sin. It feels like I’m stealing time I don’t have. Here I am, living an existence that I shouldn’t even have, and I have the audacity to indulge? It’s disgusting, don’t you get it? I’m disgusting.” Kanade moved slightly, and this time Mafuyu’s arms did loosen, allowing the composer to pick herself up onto her knees. Her blue eyes were looking elsewhere, filled with tears and shame. Her shoulders were shaking, and she looked...so exhausted; more than she’s ever looked.

“All this time I was supposed to be trying to save you, and it’s like I forgot that I’m here for that reason alone. I forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I thought maybe I could cower down and get by while feeling something as off-limits as the care and love that I already had for all of you...even knowing that I shouldn’t be so attached to anyone else, I couldn’t help it. As much as I tried to be the hollow little thing that I’m supposed to be, I can’t stand how lonely it is. I can’t stand feeling like there’s a void eating me from the inside out. I...I can’t stand feeling nothing.”

Mafuyu moved slowly, picking herself up by her elbows as she kept quiet, allowing Kanade to talk. Letting her finally freely let the rot out for her to see.

“So I felt more than I was allowed to. You see?” Kanade laughed quietly and bitterly, raising a hand to stubbornly wipe the back of it against one of her eyes. “I-I was an idiot, back then when I didn’t go through with just...disappearing. When I told myself that I just needed to keep making music and that I needed to save people. Because I can’t do that at all. I don’t think I ever could. Nothing that these hands make...none of it could ever do anything like that. Do you get it? Everything I touch, all it does is hurt. It eats at people until they’re gone.”

Despite her best efforts, Kanade couldn’t just wipe away the rotten proof of her disgustingly human existence. She couldn’t just be the soulless husk that she so desperately wished she was. She took a shuddered breath in and trembled, Mafuyu blurred in her obscuring vision as she tried to look at her.

She really shouldn’t look at her. She was a radiant soul. Kanade...Kanade was a blight. She was the reaper, lying in wait and disguised as a savior. So now what? All she needed to do was take the disguise off, right? If anyone could punish her as deserved...surely it was Mafuyu.

“I-I’m so scared of doing the same thing to you...because I love you differently from the others. Because I want you with me. Just you. Because sometimes I realize how much I’ve ended up needing you, and I scare myself. I’ve done...probably the most unforgivable thing I could, in my position. I wanted something with more desire than I’ve felt when making my music up until now. I started wanting to put my own desires over what I’m supposed to be doing. A-and now I’m never going to save you. I’ll never find that song. You’ll get tired of waiting. You’ll find something else, and you’ll leave, and I...I-I just have to accept that. But...b-but I really can’t. I can’t stand it, Mafuyu.”

She breathed out. Still shaking. Still...quietly crying.

“Kanade...I…” Mafuyu stopped, still trying to pull together her words. This was...so beyond what she knew how to handle yet. Something in her felt so...oddly content—warm even—hearing Kanade admit that she felt so strongly about her. That she had feelings that seemed so...concrete and certain. And yet, she can’t let go of the cold fear that gripped her, hearing every other heavy, burdening feeling that surrounded those feelings. She felt cold, trying to imagine herself leaving Kanade for the reasons the composer feared.

Mafuyu sat up straighter, reaching out and grabbing Kanade’s arms more gently this time. Pulling the trembling composer closer, she wrapped her arms around her securely, one around the girl’s waist and other around her back, firmly holding the girl close. Kanade shivered and placed her hands on the lyricist’s shirt, but she wasn’t trying to push herself away anymore. Her fingers weakly clung to clothing, occasionally twisting and squeezing into the fabric as she desperately tried to keep herself from completely unraveling.

“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how long it takes for you to do what you think you need to do...I don’t even care if you can’t do it.”

“H-How can you say that?”

“Because your music isn’t all I need. It’s you, too. I need Kanade, too.” When she says the words, it feels...oddly right. She may not fully grasp her more complicated, complex feelings all the time, but those words...they feel right. She knows it’s true when she says it. It’s not just some pretty words said to soothe someone in distress.

“You shouldn’t. I don’t bring anything of value to anything. I...I can’t do anything.”

“I don’t need you to do anything to feel that way. This isn’t some kind of transaction. There isn’t a deadline. I’m not going to hate you just for feeling something. If anything, I’m...I’m envious. Even if you hate that you feel, you still understand that you do. You know what it is, even if it scares you. Even if it feels wrong.” Kanade seemed like a person who felt everything so...strongly. Even if she didn’t know it all the time, and even if she didn’t think she deserved to...she did. There was a strange kind of beauty in that quality, Mafuyu found. She had always heard it in Kanade’s melodies, and since growing closer to her, she’s seen it, as well.

“But...but why…?” Kanade’s voice chokes against Mafuyu’s shirt. She felt so much more delicate now than she usually did. It felt like one wrong move and Mafuyu would somehow shatter her like a porcelain figure. It scared her.

“I don’t know. But...everything you said...it feels so...important. Your feelings are. When you say that you love me, I feel...I feel a lot. It’s warmer than usual and my stomach feels strange. It makes me nervous, but not in a bad way.” Mafuyu falls quiet for a moment, thoughtful as her hand moves up higher, gently stroking Kanade’s head slowly and trying to soothe her.

“Kanade. If...I think that, if you feel like you can’t accept how you feel right now...at least let me accept it. Can that be good enough? I want to...I want to help you, too. I don’t know how to do that, but if you can be patient for me like you were when you were trying to keep me alive...maybe we’ll learn how.”

“I’m not...I-I’m not supposed to be the one getting saved...that’s the exact thing I was trying to get away from…” Kanade grimaced, shame lacing her words.

“I know. I’m sorry. But...if I don’t do anything...I’m going to lose you, Kanade. I can’t let that happen. It still scares me, when I think about all the times that it’s already almost happened. I’m not going to just watch you do this to yourself anymore. Especially not for what you think is my sake.”

“You...you c-can’t…” Kanade’s voice caught in her throat. She struggled to keep talking. Maybe she was too exhausted to, or maybe it was the fact that she was failing to hold in the sob choked in her throat. She seemed to curl more into Mafuyu as her face buried against fabric, tears beginning to stain the already messy clothes Mafuyu wore. The savior was finally beginning to wear down. The act of accepting that she could never be the empty vessel she always needed to be was exhausting. It was distressing in a way that felt like the end of her world. But it wasn’t—at least, according to Mafuyu.

Was that really enough? Was just the word of one person enough to make her even humor the idea of living under such an impossible, mortifying weight? It was Mafuyu Asahina. She was the most important light Kanade has ever dared to touch. Of course that was enough. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t mean she would magically just...not feel like she deserved to be dead and alone for betraying her duty.

Why was nothing ever easy? Was life supposed to be this hard for them?

Why did it have to be like this?

Collecting Kanade was easy enough. Even after she was too tired to keep crying, Kanade didn’t move from where she was. She was perfectly still, cooperating without a word as Mafuyu finally cradled the young woman in her arms and got her out of that room. Her tasks felt like an autopilot, almost. Help Kanade into the washroom, go get rice prepped and started for something easy to eat, like porridge maybe, get Kanade to drink at least a little bit of water, and go find a fresher change of clothes for her. In the bathroom, Mafuyu helped Kanade through every task she could. She checked over Kanade’s skin, making sure she wasn’t hurt anywhere else other than her hands. She checked the bruises and cuts on the girl’s hands. Nothing meticulously specific. They looked more like...disturbingly willing fingernail scratches and digs, or bruises left behind from collisions, whether intention or not. She helped the composer brush her teeth.

Everything was a slow process. Mafuyu had the patience for all of it. What mattered was helping Kanade feel more...like a person. At least, physically. Helping her feel better. Getting some food back in her. Recovery of any kind was better than nothing at all. By the time she had Kanade seated to help her wash up before a quick soak, Mafuyu had also undressed, intending on joining her to help her. It wasn’t as if she didn’t end up forgetting her own regular routines in the process of worrying over Kanade.

And well...it wasn’t as if they had nothing more to talk about.

Kanade sat patiently as Mafuyu worked the shampoo through her long hair thoroughly and carefully, forced to acknowledge how fragile Kanade looked now. Not as bad as she used to be even now, but still a reminder of those days. Barely visible ribs, sunken and tired eyes, tangled and oily hair...how much of this was a state of being that Kanade probably felt like she deserved to be in? All of it?

“...I’m sorry.”

Mafuyu didn’t stop working, but she did snap out of her own thoughts with the small apology, unexpected and out of the blue.

“Don’t...apologize. Just...let me take care of you. That’s enough.”

Kanade looked at the floor, torn. “I don’t think I...know how to say sorry for these past several years, honestly. To you, or to any of the others…”

“Then don’t. No one’s waiting for one. They’re just waiting on you. As long as you want us to help you like we should have been...that’s the apology. Besides…” Mafuyu frowned, shoulders a little bit tense. “It isn’t like we’re not at fault too. We shouldn’t have stood by. I...I should have done something.”

“You wouldn’t have known what to do.” Kanade’s answer is surprisingly prompt, even if it’s almost too quiet to hear. “None of us never knew how to deal with things like this. Isn’t that just awful? It’s...it’s not fair, you know.”

“I do.” Mafuyu picked up the showerhead, washing away the suds in Kanade’s hair bit by bit, taking her time to make sure what was left behind was in fact clean enough to be acceptable. By the time she was finally able to carefully gather the overly-long hair into a towel and neatly tie it off atop Kanade’s head, she’s not sure how much time has passed. Enough, probably.

“Are you strong enough to get yourself into the bath? It’s already drawn, I just need to wash up too and I can join you when I’m done. Okay?”

“Yeah…” Kanade was fairly certain she could stand. She only let Mafuyu guide her because the woman was so insistent about it. Besides that, the help was appreciated. Her movements still felt sluggish and heavy. Her treatment of her body for the past two days was catching up to her now that she wasn’t trying to wait out her own death. Slowly, she climbed into the water of the bathtub, sinking into her side and letting the warmth of the water engulf her until she stopped just shy of her chin. It was a little bit strange. Things like this...maybe she should be more embarrassed about all of this. Maybe she should feel ashamed that she needed to be guided around and helped through a shower and a bath like some kind of at-home care patient. Yet...she trusted Mafuyu. She would trust that woman with anything, she was sure. If she was willing to tentatively trust her determination to figure out how to fix all of the things Kanade’s done to break herself as an identified human being, she could trust Mafuyu with a simple bath routine.

“How do you feel?”

“...awful.” All around, she still felt awful.

“I figured. But if there’s anything you need, tell me.”

“...yeah. Thank you. For...for all of this. Everything.”

Mafuyu didn’t respond. She didn’t really need to. She didn’t need to be thanked either, though. She stood up and walked over, quietly standing on Kanade’s side. “Here, move up more.”

“Huh? O-oh...uh…” Looking around for a moment, Kanade pulled herself further forward, waiting while Mafuyu slipped into the bath behind her. Hands gently touched her sides once Mafuyu was settled, quietly telling her it was fine to move back a bit now. With a quiet sigh, Mafuyu brushed a hand over the composer’s upper back, but Kanade soon after felt the contact of a sponge against her skin instead.

“Um...I do at least feel a little better...cleaning up like this. So...thank you.”

“That’s good.” Mafuyu stared at Kanade’s back as she washed it, deep in her own thoughts. Quiet until she isn’t. The conversations were slow, just like everything else tonight.

“...Kanade?”

“Yes?”

“You…really love me?”

Kanade felt a blush heat her cheeks. Yet...she also felt that pain. That pain deep inside that came with the acknowledgment of something that didn’t feel like it should belong with you. It was there though. Clear as the purest, basic note and vivid as the harmonies it could create.

“Yes.”

“When did you know?”

When did she know? Kanade thought back. Beyond the aquarium. Beyond their first time with each other. Beyond even the first merely curious kisses or the constant physical contact. When did she know? How long has it been?

“I...I don’t really know when exactly it started. But it has been a long time. I know, even back before either of us graduated from our schools...sometimes I thought about it. Sometimes it would scare me, and I’d bury it under work and music until I forgot about it for a while. Though...I don’t suppose I fully understood what I was feeling then. Not that it mattered much. We all had much bigger worries.”

“Hm...that’s true, yeah.” That long? Mafuyu couldn’t say she never would have suspected. Kanade had been poor at hiding her embarrassment and reactions back then. Though lingering on that made her wonder when along the lines Kanade had gotten so good at it that even while living with her, it could be hard to tell that she wanted something. Did she pick that up from her lyricist, Mafuyu had to wonder?

Slowly, Mafuyu stopped moving the scrubbing sponge, sighing as she frowned, stuck on lingering thoughts.

“Do you...do you remember when we all first spoke in the sekai? What I said...about the rest of you wanting to disappear too, just as badly as I wanted to.”

“I remember that.” Of course she did. She was so oddly observant of every single one of them. She was absolutely right. They all had that singular, messed up little thing in common at the time.

“...I don’t want any of you to disappear.”

Mafuyu’s voice is quiet. A little bit...vulnerable, even. Honestly, Kanade’s not sure she’s ever heard Mafuyu actually admit that. It isn’t like she ever thought otherwise, but it wasn’t the kind of thing that she would just share. Or maybe she figured that it was obvious. Kanade flinched in surprise when she felt Mafuyu’s arms slide further around her, pulling her a little bit closer as the lyricist held her gently—carefully.

“I don’t want you to disappear.”

“Mafuyu…” Kanade’s hand touched the young woman’s arm gently, resting there.

“I wouldn’t go anywhere without you knowing. I’m not going to just leave you here and...I don’t really want to move on without you. I don’t want you to leave just as much as you want the same. I don’t want you to abandon me, I don’t want to lose you to your health, and I really...really, really don’t ever want you to just disappear. I want you here, Kanade.” She squeezed gently, head lowering a little bit as it rested against Kanade’s. “Okay?”

Kanade looked at the water. It was so fascinating, how comfortable Mafuyu’s arms felt around her. No matter how loose or tight they held her, it felt like she was trying to keep her here on Earth instead of...wherever it was that she was trying to go, sometimes. Even if Kanade didn’t want to believe that she deserved it, Mafuyu was always doing that. And Kanade couldn’t ever help but feel that.

“You…” Mafuyu started again, pausing as she thought about it. One of her hands moved, brushing over Kanade’s as her thumb stroked the back of the composer’s hand softly. “All of our group, but especially you...I think that, you might’ve already saved me a long time ago.”

“H-huh?” Kanade turned her head a little bit, confused. How is that possible? She didn’t really think about the possibilities outside of her music. She didn’t see how she could save a person without it. She, herself...she was worthless, in that regard.

“Finding out what kind of person I am...it’s going to take a long time. It already has. And I’ve learned a lot. But I don’t...know that it’s the only part of ‘saving me’ there is. Most of all, I think I stopped wanting to disappear so much somewhere in my time living here, with you. Just...living, alongside all of you. Sure, sometimes my head is in a bad place, and sometimes, those thoughts find their way back. I can’t really help that. But...you gave me the feeling of wanting to live despite that. Just...wanting to see the next day with you. Looking forward to things. Missing people. You never needed to make me a song. It’s always just...been you.”

“That’s…” Kanade stopped, not sure how to respond. “I don’t really...get that, though. Me? What have I done, outside of my music…?”

Mafuyu sighed, holding her tighter for a moment once again. “Of course you would ask that. But it’s...everything. You’re always staying with me. You do everything you can for me, well outside of making music for me. You’ve gone out of your way to understand my family and me, you’re willing to experience new things with me, you drop everything to make sure you’re there for me. I know it must be hard for you to see, but you do...more than most people, I think. Even while you’re alone in your own head, suffering for sins you think you committed—your interactions with people alone are more than enough to save them from whatever despair’s dragging them down.”

Kanade swallowed, feeling that lump from earlier coming back. Why? It isn’t like...she believed any of this. So…

So why did she want to cry, hearing it? She didn’t feel the kind of anxiety-inducing panic that drove her tears earlier. It was something else. Something in Mafuyu’s words that made her feel exhausted, but in a way that almost brought...relief. She can’t really describe it. “Th-that’s not…” Kanade’s body trembled a little bit, her quiet struggle not to react so strongly failing rather miserably as tears started to roll down her cheeks. Oh.

Mafuyu pulled her in more firmly. Her fingers pushed themselves between Kanade’s fingers and held her hand securely, the lyricist not saying anything more as the small composer in her arms curled a little bit and started to cry. Her strained, small noises stumbled past her lips, stifled sobs that have been begging to be let out for years finally forcing their way out now that they found their opportunity.

She can’t tell how long she cried for. It was such an ugly feeling, honestly. It felt...a little bit pathetic. Yet Mafuyu never let her go once. She never made any remarks or discouraged her. She only waited, even if they sat there longer than it could possibly be comfortable, in a bathtub full of now lukewarm water. When Kanade finally seemed to be stopping, Mafuyu released the girl, her hands sliding to Kanade’s shoulders and offering gentle squeezes.

“...are you okay?”

“I...I d-don’t really know, i-if I’m being honest. I really don’t.” It was the truth. Kanade wasn’t sure how she felt. She didn’t know if this was okay. If she was okay. She doubted she would be anytime soon. Yet, she felt relief, at the same time. Disbelief, relief, comfort, joy, sadness, a resounding emptiness, a loss of purpose…

It’s so overwhelming.

Now what?

“...do you really think that? That I saved you?”

“I think you had a lot to do with it.”

Kanade turned a little bit, turning her head to look at Mafuyu for a moment, her eyes still red and puffy. Sniffling, she looked away and cleared her throat, her hands gathering a little bit of water and suddenly splashing it gently over her face with a sigh. “I feel a little bit awful.”

“Well...of course you do.” Blunt. As always. Kanade actually chuckles a little bit, despite how weak and dry the noise is.

“Why do I feel...scared?” Kanade then asked, glancing at the edge of the tub with a nervous, tired smile. “...lost, maybe. But that alone...it scares me, Mafuyu. Composing and saving people...it’s all I ever did. I burned every bridge to do that. I abandoned all of my ambitions. I never thought about my future, because I figured there wouldn’t be one anyway. I...let myself forget how to feel human. And now what...am I supposed to just...know what to do now?”

Mafuyu studied her for a moment, not answering. The pain that their composer carried in her was deeper than any of them could really grasp. Even Mafuyu. Mafuyu’s pains ran deep, but those were her own. Not someone else’s. Trying to understand someone else’s pain was a complex and deeply difficult thing to do. Much more complex than she knew. She wondered if she could really do something like that.

Well...if it’s for Kanade, she could try, she thought. Kanade would do the same thing for her, wouldn’t she?

“No...I don’t think you are. But that’s okay.” Moving. Mafuyu slowly stood up, making her way out of the water finally as Kanade watched her like a sad, lost stray animal, waiting on some kind of direction. Mafuyu looked down at her, then offered her hand. “I don’t really have everything figured out either. But it might be a little less haunting if we’re doing it together. Maybe.” No guarantee...if anything, it could be a brand new kind of harrowing that neither of them expected. But...well, they wouldn’t know until they gave it an earnest try. And for once...Mafuyu really did want to try. And she wanted to take Kanade with her. She wanted Kanade to see it, with her.

Reluctantly, Kanade accepted the help, pulling herself out of the water with Mafuyu’s guidance so that they could dry off properly. “I think that’s enough for now though. You haven’t slept in days, and you haven’t eaten, either. So...you’re going to have some rice porridge, and then, we’ll just...rest for now. All right?”

Kanade nodded hesitantly. How strangely warm, to be taken care of so meticulously. It was different even from times past when Mafuyu had to put her foot down to get Kanade to take care of herself. It was caring and tender, even when Mafuyu herself didn’t always know how to show those kinds of traits all the time.

“...is it really okay? Any of this...letting go. Am I…” Kanade paused for a moment, biting her lip as she looked at the floor, like a shamed child. “Am I really allowed to do that?”

Mafuyu stared at her again. There’s a flicker of something there. Some kind of light. Something else. Something tired, but warm and alive. Raising her hand, she rested it on Kanade’s now un-toweled head, her fingers squirming into the composer’s hair affectionately, ruffling it gently and slowly. Just...touching her. Like always.

“Will it be enough for you, this once, if I say that I think you are?”

Kanade met her stare, a little bit surprised. She isn’t sure why, though. Why wouldn’t Mafuyu assure her that she could do such a thing? Did she think that Mafuyu’s word was enough for such a heavy question? She hoped so. She could...try. Maybe. But the thought is daunting and scary. Like she’s standing right on the edge of an abyss and terrified she’ll be dragged in at any moment because of her transgressions. Raising her own hands, she moved the lyricist’s hand away from her head and simply held it in her own, a little bit too tightly, as if she was afraid of letting it go. Her lifeline from the hands reaching out from that black pit. This hand...Mafuyu’s hands were the ones she wanted. Not those. She really did love Mafuyu. She really did want to believe her. She wished it was so much easier than it really is.

Mafuyu looked at Kanade’s tightened hands, then at her face, before relaxing and letting her other hand touch one of Kanade’s to get her attention. To get her to loosen up a little bit.

“Come on. Let’s get you dressed so we can sit down and eat. Okay?”

“...I...o-okay. Okay.” One thing at a time. She could hardly think right now, after all. She was exhausted and she was hungry. And now...now she was...what, exactly? She wasn’t sure what she was now. Now all she could do was hope that Mafuyu really could...help her find out. She felt like a blank slate after some kind of baptism. She felt empty. Scared. The halo that the little savior had been clinging to so tightly her fingers bled around it had finally been dropped. Now she had to patch the wounds. She had to open her eyes. She had to see.

She wasn’t sure what it was she was supposed to see. Nothing? Darkness? Light? Something at all?

She glanced at Mafuyu’s back, the other girl now busy with her own clothes. She looked at her, quietly, gripping the towel in her hands for a moment.

Then, her eyes drifted to her own clothes, and...she started to get dressed.