Chapter Text
Snow fell in thick sheets outside Zapolyarny Palace, for anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck outside meant certain death. Even the most resilient of individuals couldn’t conquer Her Majesty’s winter.
Inside, the air was warm, the aroma of freshly brewed tea and pastries filled the room. It was one of Sandrone’s routine tea parties. In attendance were the usual bunch: Sandrone, Arlecchino, Columbina, and Signora. However, Pulcinella made a rare appearance today. The 7th really had no conditions of who could attend her parties. Only Dottore and Pantalone had been banned. It was a civil gathering. Idle chatter about ongoing assignments and projects.
The moment was shattered due to the door swinging open with such vigor it was a shock it was still on its hinges. Childe was standing in the doorway, panting like he’d just run around the entire palace. Sandrone’s eyebrow twitched, she was about to give the 11th a scolding of a lifetime when he spoke up.
”Wait! You guys have to hear this-“ He panted, Pulcinella looked thoroughly disappointed, “I have news.”
Everyone at the table looked at him with disdain, given his entrance, it was warranted he supposed. Though no one said anything so he continued, “Dottore is pregnant.”
The room that already quite grew deathly silent. Someone dropped a teacup. Sandrone was at her limit. Pulcinella might explode. Arlecchino looked mildly disgusted. Columbina seemed curious. Signora’s eyebrow raised.
“I promise I’m not making this up- I had been suspecting something for a while then just now I saw him and I was definitely right- and oh uhm it was the Dottore who goes to all the meetings, he wears the fluffy sweaters and his harbinger coat like all the time-“ He rambled on, not giving himself a moment to breathe.
“Oh!” Columbina perked up, “That’s Theta!”
Pulcinella rubbed his temples, truly how had his life come to this? Perhaps if he never became mayor his life would be far more peaceful. He’d never join this organization full of morons, he would have to-
“Childe.” Arlecchino deadpanned, “Isn’t the Doctor a man? How could he possible be… pregnant.”
Sandrone might honestly just explode, “Ugh! Like that would stop someone like Dottore! The real question is who was stupid enough to get him pregnant!”
The room fell silent. Childe carefully shut the door he almost obliterated and took a seat at the table, attempting to snatch a pastry before Signora smacked his hand away.
The Marionette sighed, “It has to be Pantalone, those two have always had something weird going on…”
“Nonsense.” Pulcinella huffed. “The Regrator would rather put himself in an early grave than deal with the expenses of a child.” He gave Tartaglia a rather pointed side eye.
“Tch. Well if not him, then who?” Everyone paused, thinking.
Childe, unfortunately, opened his mouth again, “Maybe it was one of the other Dottores?”
Before anyone could dispute that, Arlecchino had the misfortune of having something to share, “It is a possibility. I’ve come across Beta and Delta getting along rather… intimately.”
Everyone groaned at the image it put in their heads. For anyone willing to take any version of Dottore to bed had to be clinically insane.
“Maybe it’s some sort of experiment?” Columbina hummed, “Like a self indulgent experiment? Theta has always favored Epsilon the most.”
A collective agreement spread throughout the group. Theta loved to bring the youngest segment everywhere, talk about his experiments, and coo over how adorable he was.
“Hmm, I’ve always thought the Jester was rather close to Dottore.” Signora said, taking a sip of tea, “They’ve known each other for the longest after all.”
Pulcinella shook his head, “I doubt the Director would take the time to raise a child, let alone one with a Harbinger. He’s far too dedicated to Her Majesty’s cause.”
Arlecchino nodded, “I agree, not that I’ve been a Harbinger long enough to understand the depth of their relationship, but Pierro hardly meddles in our more… personal affairs.”
Columbina took a bite of cake, “How about the Captain?” Childe, quite frankly, was horrified. Everyone else on the other hand, nodded.
“He would be the best option.” Signora agreed, “Plus, given his curse of immortality, I can surely see the Doctor being incredibly interest in his anatomy.”
Pulcinella set his teacup down, “The Doctor’s freakish habits aside, what reason would the Captain have to do that?”
Childe was not fond of the very same Capitano he looked up to being the father of the most insane harbinger’s baby, “Alright nod, let’s not think too radically here! Obviously it’s Pantalone. Those two are literally always together! It makes the most sense!”
Columbina smiled, “Well by that logic, doesn’t Dottore spend the most time with himself? It has to be one of his segments!”
”Maybe so,” Signora agreed, “though which one?”
“Well,” Sandrone sighed, finding herself growing far too interested in this, “I think Gamma is out of the question. He hardly cares about the other segments.”
“Omicron is likely too old to even entertain the idea. However, him and Theta do get along quite well…” Arlecchino trailed off.
“Omega definitely has the ego to do… that.” Pulcinella regretted everything, truly, but he was in far too deep now.
“Beta is insane. Even by Dottore standards. If Theta asked kindly enough he definitely would’ve-“ Signora cleared her throat.
“I’d put Delta out of the options, he is honestly terrifying.” Childe shuddered.
None of the Harbingers at the table would ever admit how long they spent debating the likelihood of how probably it was for each version of Dottore to have impregnated himself.
The conversation then took strange turns.
“Well there’s this doctor in Liyue…”
“Perhaps one of his subordinates?”
“Does he lead a secret life?”
”Was it you, Childe?”
“What the fuck?!”
After far too long of discussing who might’ve had the gall to fuck a baby into Dottore, they all came to the same conclusion: They needed to know the identity of the father. Already, they began discussing a plan.
Before that, “Okay everyone! Place your bets! I’m putting money on Pantalone!” Childe announced.
“Mines going on Pierro, you all never knew Dottore in his early Fatui days.” Signora hummed.
”Ooh I say it was one of the other segments! Probably Omega!” Columbina was far too excited for this.
”Capitano.” Pulcinella was firm, “At least he’d be a responsible father.”
“It’s got to be Pantalone! Those two are just flat out weird with each other!” Sandrone declared.
”Not that it’s any concern to me, but the Captain is certainly the best answer.” Arlecchino sighed. As long as Dottore’s spawn didn’t come near her children at the Hearth.
They were surely going to get to the bottom of this… or rather, who Dottore was bottoming for