Chapter Text
Beep…
Beep…
He remembers the time before the war happened.
Beep…
Beep…
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ was with…someone, he couldn't remember who—the only thing he knew about the large mech flying with him was that he loved and cared for them a lot.
Beep…
Beep…
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ was with two other seekers—one blue and one violet—they vastly differ from each other and yet they were a trine. He doesn't know their names either, he wishes he could remember…
Beep…
Beep…
Why couldn't he remember them? Who even was he?
Beep…
Beep…
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ wasn't their name—it was something else…
Beep…
Beep…
Right, it was…
…
Starscream groaned softly as his optic started to flicker online—his vision was still foggy as it adjusted to the surroundings. He can faintly feel that he's on a medical berth. He couldn't move, his entire frame covered in various wires, cables, and tubes. Besides the physical obstruction all over his chestplate—it was also because of how he’s weak right now. But he was breathing. He was alive again.
How did this happen? Wasn't I supposed to die?
Knock Out stood by his side, carefully monitoring his vitals. "You're one stubborn flier, you know that? You're lucky I'm such an excellent medic, or you'd be nothing but a pile of scrap metal by now." Starscream could tell that the red mech was putting up a front—he can (somehow) faintly feel the immense relief after the hysterics he must've gone through.
Ratchet cleared his throat and gave Knock Out a look. "Ratchet... Helped too." The red race car reluctantly admitted.
But that wasn't important to Starscream at the moment—right now, he was staring at them with a blank expression. Thoughts swirled and despair soon came after the numbness he felt.
Why? Why?! Why couldn't he just die already?!
Didn't they know he wanted death in the first place?!
"Uh, Screamer?" Knock Out calls out, "You good? You didn't get any processor damage while under that Dark Energon sludge inside of you since we checked—"
"... Why?" Starscream finally spoke, his voice raspy—either it was from exertion or the lack of use—his voice box struggled very much so. Knock Out and Ratchet looked at each other in surprise at the sound of Starscream's voice. They hadn't expected him to speak so soon.
Ratchet turned to the seeker in the medical berth, his expression confused. "Why what, Starscream?" Knock Out frowned as he noticed the tone of hopelessness in Starscream's voice but opted to press his amica regardless. "You're gonna have to be more specific.”
Starscream took a deep, shuddering breath. It was clear to the two medics that the accumulated stress, pain, and trauma of the past couple of months had taken a massive toll on the former commander. Whatever Starscream endured while his body was controlled—it had to be detrimental to the point he's acting like this…
"Why...? Why did you save me?" Starscream finally asked, his sole optic flickering as he looked up at Knock Out and Ratchet.
The duo only exchanged another concerned glance. They knew what Starscream was hinting at. The first to speak up was Knock Out who went beside Starscream, his expression sympathetic. "You really have to ask that, huh?" He was frowning too. (Starscream didn't care.)
Ratchet only let out a sigh and adjusted his tools to its proper placement, his optics studying Starscream with a mix of concern and frustration. "Did you really expect us to just let you die?”
Starscream was beginning to whimper in distress, his patched frame beginning to tremble. "Why didn't you let me?!” He wailed, the machines attached to him began beeping faster. It was going through the red. “I'm supposed to be dead! I didn't ask to be alive again!”
Knock Out and Ratchet both winced at the seeker's outburst, his distress was very much evident in both his voice and the rapid beeping of the machines he was hooked up to.
The red medic carefully laid a gentle servo on Starscream's trembling frame, attempting to soothe his former commander. "Starscream, calm down. You're going to rip out all the wires I put in you if you keep thrashing around like that.”
Ratchet stepped closer, his optics studying Starscream's vital signs that were flaring on the monitor. "Knock Out's right. You need to calm down, or you'll just make your condition worse."
Starscream wasn't having that. He slapped away Knock Out's hand, though it didn't deter the Velocitronian from going closer. "I don't care! I wanted to die!" Starscream cried out as he began thrashing, "Get these tubes and wires off of me, and let me rest permanently!" He yelled erratically.
(He hates them. Why did they save him? He should've been dead. He hates them so much for denying him the peace he wished for.)
Knock Out glanced between the readings and Starscream's distressed state, his expression growing increasingly worried. "Listen, Starscream, I know you're upset, but you have to keep yourself together. You have to understand that we wanted to save you.”
But Starscream just started to laugh, then he let out a ragged cry of frustration. His frame then trembled with sobs as he gripped the tubes and wires that were attached to his frame. "You don't understand! None of you will ever do, you stupid medic!” He shouts at him.
“I have wanted death ever since Megatron shoved that shard of Dark Energon into my dying carcass! I was better off dead than living in this awful world! And you! You ruined it!" He yelled, his remaining optic flickering wildly. His HUD showed warnings that he ignored. Starscream didn't care—the fact he was still breathing had turned this day from a joyous occasion to another nightmare he'll have to endure.
Knock Out attempted to hold him down, while Ratchet quickly went to assist him as well. "Starscream—please—you're going to hurt yourself. Calm down or we'll have no choice but to force you to.” The seeker noticed he was shaking, attempting to suppress the awful feeling of hurt. (He didn't care.)
"No! I'm done listening to all of you fragging idiots!" Starscream snaps, whacking Knock Out away and pushing Ratchet off of him. His venting grew labored, his optic looked to be even more frenzied. "I had become Second-in-Command to my own body for months! I couldn't move—couldn't die from anything—couldn't do ANYTHING!" His optic briefly flashed purple before it went back to red.
Knock Out and Ratchet froze, their optics wide with surprise and horror as they witnessed the brief flash of purple from Starscream's sole optic. They knew what that meant. The dark energon that had corrupted Starscream's body for months was still lingering within him. That was bad—they needed to flush it out of him. Immediately.
"Starscream! Calm down, or else!" Ratchet warned, his voice firm.
"I WILL NOT!" Starscream yells, the rush of emotions giving him the energy to grip the wires and tubes even tighter. "I'M GOING TO THE WELL OF THE ALLSPARK—WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT—AND THAT'S FINAL!" With renewed strength from his stressed out state, he began yanking everything that was attached to his frame. His claws dug deep into his chest—leaving energon all over it as he pulled out anything he could from his frame.
He saw his own energon and components as he continues to take action to his fate, yet he didn't feel pain. (All the more reason to perish and never see the light of day.)
Knock Out and Ratchet worked together, attempting to restrain the former commander. "Urgh! Hold him down!” Ratchet barked, his servos holding down the former commander's shoulders as best he could. “Breakdown!” Knock Out called out from the medbay, “We need your help!”
Loud pedesteps echoed before Breakdown came skidding in to help the two medics who were struggling to restrain him from ripping the medical support keeping him stable.
Starscream’s attempts to remove any more of the medical support in his frame was thwarted by Breakdown and Knock Out, easily restraining him with their combined strength.
"Starscream, stop it! We literally saved your aft! You're not going anywhere!” Knock Out snapped. His servos quickly strapped Starscream’s wrists down, preventing the wounded seeker from tearing off anything else.
Starscream promptly reacted by shrieking loudly that it temporarily made their audials become impaired, but the medics and assistant didn't waver. Ratchet was beginning to grab heavy dosage sedatives to calm the slim seeker down, which didn't go unnoticed from the latter's limited vision.
"No..! No! NO! NO!" Starscream's shrieks of anguish became fear when he saw the syringe about to be attached to his energon drip. “Don't put anything in me! I don't want anything in me!" Starscream begged as he kept thrashing while Breakdown and Knock Out were restraining him as best as the duo could. (He doesn't want to go to sleep—He doesn't want to go back to that place ever again—)
Breakdown grunted, struggling to hold down the slim seeker from thrashing any further. "You need the sedatives, commander! You're too stressed out and agitated!” He argued. It seemed that seeing the syringe caused the seeker to get even more determined to die faster.
Ratchet was ready to attach the syringe to the drip when he hesitated at the frenzied seeker's continuous pleading. He didn't want to drug Starscream against his will (seeing that it was triggering him further), but he also didn't want to see the seeker in critical condition due to his excessive outburst.
Breakdown noticed the older mech's hesitation, and his hold on the former commander's wrists tightened a bit. "It's for his own good, Doc.” Knock Out added after Breakdown, “We'll just have to apologize when Starscream gets into the right headspace again.”
Ratchet vented deeply, his optics fixed on the struggling form of the former commander. He had to agree with the other two. Starscream was in no condition to make a sound decision. He needed to be sedated, no matter how much he protested for it.
Ratchet nodded firmly, his grip on the syringe still tight. "I'm sorry, Starscream.” He looks to them, “Keep him steady—I'll be inserting it directly instead of the energon drip so the effects will work faster.” He orders.
“Don't worry, Ratchet.” Knock Out assures, “We'll keep our commander nice and steady.”
Starscream started to struggle even more as Ratchet steadily plunged the syringe before it pushed in the sedatives into one of the medical ports he was able to have access to at the moment—his left forearm.
"Noooooo!” Starscream cries out despair. “Take it out! Take it out of me!” Soon, his hysterical pleas faded away into incoherent mumbles as he started to feel drowsy—his thrashing slowed to a few weak jerks and thrashes.
His optic's vision slowly blurring into dull colors as the sedatives took effect.
The last thought Starscream procured was the realization that he's going to live through this, whether he liked it or not…
…
Knock Out let out a sigh of relief, “Finally, we're getting somewhere.” Breakdown mumbled, “I thought he was never going to settle down." They completed the rest of the restraints in case of a likely event where Starscream attempts to repeat his actions today.
Ratchet nodded in agreement, carefully withdrawing the syringe from the medical port. "You and I both. The last thing we need is for him to tear all the wires from his frame in this state.”
Knock Out chuckled dryly, his optics still fixed on the now-sedated amica. “I'm just glad we managed to subdue him. He wasn't an easy patient before and after this, y'know.” He adds, smiling sadly before it dropped into a concerned expression.
The three mechs all watched as Starscream's frame slept away with a few minor twitches.
“Well,” Ratchet sets the syringe aside. “at least now we know what his current mental state is. Unfortunately, as I suspected, he's incredibly traumatized. Something that I can't blame him for.” He concluded.
Knock Out scoffed, “That's putting it mildly. He's more than traumatized, he's mentally unstable at this point. I'm surprised he hasn't completely snapped yet." He mused thoughtfully.
Ratchet let out a huff of annoyance. "Don't give him any ideas. Last thing we need is a psychotic, suicidal Starscream running around the base, completely unhinged and out of control.”
"Oh I know." Knock Out glances at the recharging Starscream. "Although, I do wish that he'd be able to brush this off just like how he usually does whenever Lord Mega—" He paused, scowling. "—that psychotic brute—finishes punishing Starscream." The red medic corrects himself. He (unfortunately for himself) still slips on calling that monster his formal title for him.
"But that's just my wishful thinking..." Knock Out ex-vented. "Breakdown and I, as well as the other Decepticons on the Nemesis, had the front row seats of Megatron treating Starscream like a mindless pet for months after he'd apparently killed him in one of the mines and used the Dark Energon to desecrate his frame and revive it.”
Ratchet's expression hardened at Knock Out's words, his optics narrowing as he clenched his fists. "Don't remind me. I, alongside the rest of the Autobots, have seen and heard of the condition Starscream was in when Optimus and the others were infiltrating your larger Energon mines after Megatron left and finished—doing whatever he did to Starscream. It's even a miracle that he's still alive right now." He glanced at the former commander's recharging form, a mix of concern and pity in his gaze. "And I know from multiple histories of past patients that Starscream's not going to be the same after this experience, Knock Out." Ratchet added grimly.
"His psyche has been severely damaged. There is no way he'll return back into his normal personality after the events that occurred and experiences he'd endured after months under the influence of Dark Energon. The only thing we can do for him now is to support him. Try to help him in any way we could." Ratchet recommended.
Knock Out looked pensive, yet he still hoped that Starscream would pull through this.
"You think that'd be enough?" Breakdown questions. The former wrecker highly doubts it'd be as easy as that. However, he wasn't going to outright say that to the two medics.
"I hope so..." The older medic replied. But something told him it'd be much harder than they expected.