Work Text:
Hey,
I was thinking about everyone after we celebrated my birthday. I didn’t really get to say what I wanted to, so I thought I should write to you.
We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? We’ve been together in this band for almost five years now. A lot has changed since I first got to know you.
When we first met on that sunny afternoon, I wasn’t impressed. At the time, I was still someone who was too quick to judge people. To me, you looked like a mouse, timid and unsure of yourself.
When you showed me your notebook for the first time, I didn’t think your lyrics meant anything; they were just words on paper.
When we went for our first band practice together, you couldn’t even sing. Another time, you buried your face in your notebook.
“How can the face of the band not even show her face?” I thought.
I really had almost completely written you off at that point, but over the course of our next few practice sessions, you proved me wrong.
You started to find your voice, and soon, you showed me that it was okay to keep carrying on, no matter how many times I fell flat on my face.
As we spent hours upon hours in the studio practicing as if our lives depended on it, we began to truly shine as a band. Within a few months, we were ready for our first live.
That was the first time I felt truly moved by your singing. I could never forget how I cried while holding you at the end of our performance.
It was better than anything I could have ever imagined. For the first time, as the guitar and keyboard sounded their final blue notes, and as the bass and I gave our final touches to the rhythm, I felt truly proud to be a part of something bigger than me.
You shined so bright on stage, and your voice, so full of emotion, rang in my ears for the rest of that day.
From that point on, you were this pure, untouchable angel—one who should never be concerned with mortal concerns relating to me, save for what I could provide for you. I felt like I had to protect you from everything, including myself, and I could never quite feel at ease in your presence after that.
Then, not long after, it happened. One moment we were in a band together, and the next we weren’t. The pitter-patter of the rain that day never seemed to end.
We tried to keep it together without her, but with your spirit broken, we could never recover. We were never meant to be as a band, it seemed…
At the end of it all, I wanted to stay in touch with you, but we never had much in common apart from the band. I would just end up being a bother, so we drifted apart.
But… I still held on to hope that we would meet again one day, so I picked up composing. It was a real struggle, but by the time we entered high school, I could create a few passable songs. With that, I would become the base we would eventually stand on, and that way no one else could put an end to things.
A few months down the line, be it through fate or dumb luck, we somehow ended up in a band again.
I ended up being the one to take the responsibility of managing the band this time, but I didn’t mind. I was just happy that I got another chance to perform on stage with you. Colour felt like it was bleeding back into my life.
We had our ups and downs, like any other band, but I couldn’t stop myself from entertaining the possibility of things going wrong with every downturn. Storm clouds perpetually lined the horizon, and I couldn’t bear to see you go through another band breakup.
So I worked harder, composed by night, and survived off copious amounts of caffeine by day. I became stricter with the band, and stricter with myself. I grew less and less comfortable in your presence.
I became a lot more protective of you as a result, I don’t know why I thought you wouldn’t notice.
I began to pick up on the worried looks you were giving me when you thought I wasn’t looking. When I was barely within earshot, I would sometimes hear you talk to the others about whether I was doing okay. I became annoyed with myself at how I was making you worry, and tried even harder to pretend that everything was fine.
It didn’t work, and you grew tired of it.
One day, you confronted me about why I was working myself to the bone. I tried every way I knew how to dismiss it, to pretend it wasn’t a problem. You were having none of it, and not knowing how to respond, I stupidly ran off.
Not sure of how to face you, I became lost again.
I couldn’t bear to face you, ever so blindingly bright.
You forced me to think about what you meant to me when I wasn’t ready to address it.
I found excuses to not come to practice. I looked over my shoulder wherever I went, so afraid that you would find me.
But of course you found me; you’re stubborn, it’s in your nature.
You waited for me after school and seized me by the wrist with a determined look on your face. That was the only time I’d ever seen you angry.
You took me home, and brought me all the way across that pedestrian bridge for the first time.
In your room, you demanded to know why I was holding back, not letting me go until I said it.
You stripped me bare of the hundreds of contradictory layers cladding my innermost self. The ultimate humiliation.
For a minute, I wasn’t Shiina Taki, but a girl terrified of her own wishes, terrified of irking the one who gave her a reason to live, terrified of the judgement she was submitting herself to.
I should’ve been cast away like the disgusting leech I thought I was.
Yet, I was accepted. You accepted me. You told me all about what I meant to you. For the first time, your light didn’t blind me.
The fact that no angel would ever accept a self-loathing wreck was the final proof that you are just as mortal as I am.
As I cried in your arms, I wondered: Did that distance between us always exist? We always felt so far apart, even as we stood by each other’s side as I walked you home. How did we stay like that for so long?
A lot of what I did was less for you and more for myself… I’m just as selfish as you are.
I couldn’t bear to go through another band breakup.
I desperately wanted to show the world that I was capable.
I somehow imposed all of that on you, masked as a desire to protect you.
Even now, I sometimes hold myself back out of habit, wondering if what I’m about to say is okay, or if it’s really fine to do something I want with you. I’m glad you’ve gotten good at figuring out when I’m like that.
I can’t say that I know what the future holds in store for all of us, but I’d like to be able to keep writing this kind of letter to you, so let’s do our best to stay together for a lifetime.
Thank you for being so patient with me, Tomori. Without you, I would’ve never understood what it feels like to be loved.
Love,
Taki