Chapter Text
1A.) Erwin: Please remind Hange to lessen the alcohol content of legion-approved recreational liquor in her next batch.
1B.) Levi: Your vine brews are so potent, I could use them to gas up my 3DM gear. Remix that shit.
2A.) Erwin: Kindly tell the HQ quartermaster to submit a proposal on improvements for better waste management.
2B.) Levi: You all have the sanitary habits of an exceptionally backwards, syphillic ape. Flush that shit.
3A.) Erwin: The report is good but I have a few clarifications; see attached notes and revise accordingly.
3B.) Levi: Sure, your report is good enough, if I wanted paper to wipe my ass. Revise that shit.
4A.) Erwin: I have received word that poor organization of the storage room was what resulted to that small fire last night. Please investigate.
4B.) Levi: When I said organize the storage room, I did not mean alphabetically. What kind of shit-for-brains puts the bleach next to the blow torch? Rearrange that shit.
5A.) Erwin: We have received new inventory on spare 3DMG parts. Please take stock.
5B.) Levi: Luckily for you little shits, we have new spare parts to compensate for your atrocious abuse of your source of livelihood. Count that shit.
6A.) Erwin: Ask Mike if he's up to the task of supplying dinner for Meaty Monday.
6B.) Levi: I don't give a shit if you're "temporarily indisposed due to prolonged debauchery," the commander wants veal tonight. Hunt that shit.
7A.) Erwin: The complaints about the mess hall food are rising. Tell the cook that there is no need to scrimp on salt.
7B.) Levi: Are you feeding people or swine? Season that shit.
8A.) Erwin: Please remind the troops that the green bin is for biodegradable waste, yellow bin is for medical waste, and the black bin is for non-biodegradable materials.
8B.) Levi: Unless you're blind, mentally retarded or undead, you have no excuse to throw your toenail clippings into the black bin. "But my toenails are black" or "I was drunk" is not a valid excuse. Segregate that shit.
9A.) Erwin: Prevention is better than cure. Kindly ensure that the barracks are free of insects and vermin that may cause inconvenient diseases.
9B.) Levi: Do you want to be known as the squad who got wiped out by a mosquito? Fumigate that shit.
10A.) Erwin: Remind the troops that even if it's not pleasant, Hange's "vitamin cocktail" is extraordinarily good for our health.
10B.) Levi: Even if Hange's vitamin concoction tastes like fermented goat piss, it is necessary to keep you little shits in passable shape. Drink that shit.
11A.) Erwin: Remind the medics that all wounds must be treated with alcohol to avoid infections. Use Little Water if need be.
11B.) Levi: Would you rather experience weeks of shitting blood or a few seconds of cleansing pain? Stop being a wuss and sterilize that shit.
12A.) Erwin: We will be starting expansion and renovation of the barracks shortly; prepare the sledgehammers and 20 of our angriest men.
12B.) Levi: Remember that MP asshole who injured Petra in last week's Capture the Flag tournament? Now imagine his face on that wall. Wreck that shit.
13A.) Erwin: T minus 1 hour before departure for the capital. Please make sure you have prepared your luggage accordingly.
13B.) Levi: I am not lending out my soap and toiletries to any lazy fucker who forgets theirs. Pack that shit.
14A.) Erwin: We’ve had an influx of defective 3DM Gear recently, kindly look into it.
14B.) Levi: A scout just had his balls crushed by a Titan's pinky finger because of your grossly inadequate QC procedures. Fix that shit.
15A.) Erwin: Remind the male troops that we'll be reinstating daily uniform inspections again if they keep leaving their shirt buttons in the brothels.
15B.) Levi: Improper uniform attire will be sanctioned with latrine duty on first offense, a 2100h curfew on second offense, and 10 hours of titan history lectures from Hange for the third offense. Uniform inspections are my specialty. Mend that shit.