Chapter Text
I sat on the hard bathroom floor, the blade feeling heavy in my hand. What have I just done? Why? Why am I so useless? Why, why, why? I banged the back of my head against the edge of the bathtub, the pounding ache combined with the sharp stinging of my arms silenced the awful thoughts in my head. My vision blurred as I tried to sit up straight against the large tub. I looked at my arm. So much blood. The sight of my arm and the stains in my clothes and on the floor were too much for me. I doubled over, retching into the toiled, but all that came out was spit and acid. I couldn’t even remember the last time I ate. I sat on the floor for a few more minutes before finally pulling myself up. The image of what looked back at me in the mirror scared me. My eyes were sunken in from the lack of sleep and I was pale as a ghost. I looked like a zombie. The low humming of the neon lights tormented my ears as I continued to stare into the reflection of mine. Gosh, what the hell was wrong with me?
After I stood there for a few more minutes I slowly opened the drawer with bandages. I cleaned off my arm so that it wouldn’t get infected, then I continued to wrap my arm in a fresh bandage. I stepped into my room while removing my blood stained shirt so that I could replace it with a freshly washed hoodie, but before I even managed to get to my wardrobe someone knocked on my door. The knocking sounded impatient, as if the person had already been waiting for a long time. Before I could react, the door bursted open. Magnus stood frozen in my room. I managed to hide my arm behind my back before he could take a closer look.
“Magnus, hey. I didn't expect you to be here.”
“Well, hello Alex. I… I just wanted to check on you. But then you didn't respond so I got worried and… yeah.”
Magnus seemed embarrassed, while he was talking he rubbed his neck awkwardly with his right hand, just as he always did when he was uncomfortable.
“I, uhhh, just took a shower and so I didn't hear you knock. so uhh”
”Weird, I didn't hear a shower running and also your hair isn’t wet.”
”Huh. Weird.”
I shrugged it off whilst slowly moving towards my closet. I pulled out one of the few clean sweaters that I had while making sure that Magnus didn’t spot my bandaged arm. But of course he did.
“Alex.”
His voice was firm. I knew that he had noticed it. Shit.
“What’s that on your arm?”
”It's nothing, I just burned myself earlier when I took something out of the kiln.”
”Oookkkkaaaayyyy…”
He stretched the word “okay” for way too long. He didn't believe me.
“I could take a look if you want.”
The tone he spoke in made it clear that it wasn’t an offer. I still tried to refuse and back off.
“Alex, please. Let me take a look, I can help you, but only if you let me.”
The hurt in his eyes was almost unbearable. He only wanted to help me. and I knew fthat damn well. Maybe it’d be good if he knew. Maybe he really could help me. Oh shut up, I told myself. I wasn’t bad enough to deserve help. And I never will be. But what if…
“Promise me you won't judge.”
”I promise”
Usually when people promise not to judge they lie, but he sounded genuine and as if he really would not judge. I sat down at the table, stretching out my left arm. Magnus sat next to me. We sat in silence for a while before he rolled up my sleeve, but the silence wasn’t awkward like it was most of the time. It said more than a thousand words will ever be able to say. He slowly started to undo the bandages that wrapped tightly around my under arm. The sight was horrible. Fresh and healed cuts of various ages everywhere. I was too scared to look straight into Magnus' eyes, but I still saw the worry and the sadness in his eyes. But they weren’t the only emotions that I spotted in his eyes. I also detected love and something that seemed like relation to the feeling of a blade cutting open your flesh, leaving behind a trail of blood. He looked up at me. And instead of giving me a pity speech and making me promise to never do that again, he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss onto my lips. He only started to talk as he pulled back. but I couldn't understand what he was saying due to the sharp ringing in my ears. He kissed me. HE kissed me. He KISSED me. He kissed ME. But why? He reached out his hand, slowly cupping my cheek.
“Alex, I know what you're going through. And I don't just say that because I pity you or anything. but because I really understand. Because… I do it too.”