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If there is something Viserra cannot stand to feel, it is anger.
Anger makes her wish to fight, to claw the eyes of those who look at her as they do and shriek like the animal they have reduced her to. Anger makes her loathe what she has become, to shed the stifling skin of whimpering child and a simpering maiden and make them see the dragon they have tried to bind. Anger makes her want to take the risks she has denied herself, to grasp freedom and take whatever leap she can, no matter if it doesn’t last.
Anger makes her mad.
Mad in the way her ancestors were.
Mad in the way her father was.
Mad in the way she fears she may be.
She knows she is too much like her family and that is why she must atone but there are days where she wishes to embrace it. It wouldn’t be that hard. All she would have to do is stop making herself smaller. Surely, that wouldn’t be hard.
She’s been told by those who knew her family that she resembles them so much. Does that extend to her mind, she wonders? Does that extend to her rage?
She imagines so.
She believes so.
Perhaps not her father’s cruelty, but maybe her mother’s anger at blame for what she did not do or her brother’s search for something greater. Possibly even her grandmother’s endless desire to have what she wanted or her mother’s desire to follow a heart so far from home. Perhaps they can see all those desires swirling within her despite her attempts otherwise.
She knows that she cannot do any of those things but she wants to. When her anger comes upon her, when her endless aching misery shifts into that burning, bloody force in her bones, she wants to do them with such unrepentance that they have no choice but to kill her.
At least, she will have tasted freedom. At least, she will have been what she was never allowed to be.
She is her mother’s daughter. She is her brother’s sister. She is her family’s burdens in one vessel and she has inherited all of their troubles.
She is as mad and raging as any of them.
But she does not of it. All she does is what she has always done: sit and pray and cry. She has accepted her lot and that she will never be as free or angry as she wishes to be.