Chapter Text
Geonwoo has exactly two goals for the night: find someone to sleep with and get drunk enough to forget it in the morning. Not necessarily in that order- he’s already well on his way towards the latter, taking full advantage of the party environment as an excuse to drown the void into comparative silence. Now it’s just a matter of working on the former, which, if he’s reading the signs right, could be pretty close. The girl he’s talking to now- Haerin, maybe, or Yewon? He didn’t hear the name clearly the first time and isn’t going to ruin the mood by asking- seems like she might be interested. But even if she’s not, the night is young. He’s keeping his options open.
The timing of the party is kind of perfect because this week (has it really only been a week since he got back?) has been hot garbage. The void is always loud when he’s home, basking in the familiar scars of the room he grew up in, but he has plenty of tricks to keep it at bay. Tricks that don’t work the same around people who really know him. It’s usually not such a problem- when he’s back, it’s supposed to get better.
It’s all Sangwon’s fault, naturally. It always is.
Hyewon- if that’s not the right name it’s at least closer- pulls him out of his thoughts with a gentle nudge. “I’m gonna go check in with the girls,” she says. “See you later?”
“If you like,” Geonwoo replies, letting his tone dip into something a bit more flirtatious. From the way she smiles it seems to work- this is going well, or at least as well as can be expected.
Once she’s gone and he’s alone, Geonwoo casts his gaze around the room, nursing his drink as he cases out where to go from here. There’s plenty of options; the key is just to make sure he’s never caught off guard. This, like everything, is a carefully crafted performance, but it’s one he slips into easily. The party is loud, it’s dark, and no one’s fully sober- himself included. He doesn’t have to be Kim Geonwoo, depressed twenty-something with a fucked-up family and no future. He can be Kim Geonwoo, campus heartthrob, a lovable asshole who could get away with murder with the perfectly placed smile. All he really has to do is look hot and not completely bomb a conversation- which he hasn’t done in years. Not since he stopped caring if anyone thought he was mean.
No sign of Leo or Junseo in this room. That’s fine- he loves them both, but given what he’s looking for he’s probably better off avoiding them for the night. Junseo’s the only person who might actually call him on his bullshit and Leo would probably come with a side dish of Sangwon, which would ruin everything.
Besides, they’re both graduating this year. Geonwoo should get a head start on fending for himself.
That’s the real reason the void hasn’t left him alone all week, as much as he’d rather blame Sangwon for everything. Junseo spent his summer doing an actual research program and now he’s talking about applying to grad schools. Which is great, for him, but the void won’t stop rubbing it in his face.
What are you going to do next year? it asks, mocking him with his own voice. Where are you going to live? Who are you going to talk to? Who would actually put up with you, once they’re gone?
But the void is nothing if not a hypocrite. The second he starts to agree, it changes its tune. A real friend would be happy for them, it reproaches. You’re always so selfish.
Geonwoo sighs, closing his eyes. Hyewon’s been gone less than two minutes and he’s already slipping. He needs to get out of his head, now.
And of course, that’s when his gaze lands on Sangwon on the far side of the room. Fucking Sangwon.
His ex-best friend is by himself, propped up against the wall to casually observe. Annoyance floods Geonwoo’s system, a welcome distraction from the darker thoughts hovering in the background. Of course he’s not engaging. Stupid Sangwon, always so effortlessly perfect, with his perfect face and perfect family and perfect life. Why would he ever deign to interact with those beneath him?
Why is he even here? Geonwoo thinks, despite knowing the answer- it’s because of Leo. Leo loves him and Leo asked him to come, and Geonwoo should at least be grateful Junseo had the foresight to warn him in advance.
“Please don’t pick a fight,” he asked only a few short hours ago. “Avoid him if you have to, but I simply can’t be dealing with a screaming match when someone might be throwing up in the bathroom.”
“When have I ever screamed at him?” Geonwoo retorted- partly cause he hasn’t, but more to dodge the core of the conversation. It’s not Junseo’s fault that Sangwon’s mere presence pokes a permanent bruise at the core of Geonwoo’s being, but it’s frustrating how he’s always the one singled out.
Is Sangwon getting the same talk from Leo-hyung? he almost asked. Or have you both just decided I’m the problem?
You are the problem, the void reminded him. Unhelpful as always.
“Geonwoo, come on,” Junseo sighed. “You know what I mean. Just…try to be chill? For me?”
Yeah, Geonwoo. Don’t be difficult. The words- whispered in Junseo’s voice, even though he’d never say them- sent a chill down Geonwoo’s side that had him giving in immediately just to make it stop.
“Fine,” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “I’ll behave.”
“Thanks,” Junseo said. “Just focus on having a good time yourself. Seems like you could use it.”
Classic Junseo tactic- leave the door open for him to talk about his feelings without outright telling him to do so. As if Geonwoo’s ever taken him up on the offer without being actively pushed into it.
Regardless- he did promise not to pick a fight, which means he really should leave Sangwon alone. But the idea of Sangwon just standing there in the same room, ignoring him, while Geonwoo is left to stew in his own misery is positively infuriating. And Geonwoo’s pretty drunk already. Can he really be held accountable for his actions?
Besides, it’s not picking a fight to say hi- it’s not his fault if Sangwon takes it the wrong way.
He pushes off the wall and strides over before he has the chance to change his mind.
Lucky for him, Sangwon doesn’t see him coming. Geonwoo announces his presence with an arm slung around his shoulder, something that still feels so natural even after everything. “Come on Sangwonnie, it’s a party!” he chides. “Do you seriously plan on sticking to the wall all night?”
The moment he makes contact he sees why Sangwon’s sticking to the wall and it only pisses him off more. Sangwon’s not alone- next to him, hidden by the crowd until Geonwoo got close, is a lost little kitten who couldn’t look more out of place if he tried. Sangwon’s here because he’s playing savior. Again.
“Fuck off, Geonwoo,” Sangwon snarls, shaking him off.
Geonwoo pouts, resting his elbow on Sangwon’s shoulder. “Hey, don’t be mad. I just want to make sure you’re having a good time.”
(Okay. Maybe he is picking a fight. Sue him.)
Before Sangwon can fight back, he tilts his head and adds, “Who’s your friend?”
The kid jumps when he asks, staring in wide-eyed shock. He’s cute, Geonwoo thinks. Practically drowning in a loose fuzzy sweater that hangs off one shoulder, with a tight tank underneath that clings to his skin and highlights just how small he is. There’s a sharpness to his features, softened by the frightened look in his eyes and the way his fingers twitch anxiously on his cup. Geonwoo’s never seen him before in his life. How did someone like him end up in a place like this?
“None of your business,” Sangwon snaps, and shakes him off again. He shifts, moving in front of the kid, whose eyes widen in surprise. Geonwoo’s smile grows wider- it’s kind of adorable how defensive he’s getting, as if that’s going to work to make Geonwoo back down. He really ought to know better by now.
“Shouldn’t you be finding some poor unsuspecting soul to flirt with?” Sangwon spits- because no conversation with him is complete without him throwing Geonwoo’s promiscuity in his face- and Geonwoo almost laughs. It’s the perfect setup.
“Maybe I have.” He smirks down at Sangwon before pointedly looking past him, letting his eyes land on the kid’s bare shoulder. The kid follows his gaze- then turns a beautiful shade of pink, cringing in on himself as he tugs his sleeve back up.
Adorable, Geonwoo thinks. He’s really only here to mess with Sangwon but there’s something about this stranger that’s just…so sweet. The thought doesn’t have time to linger before the kid mumbles something to Sangwon and ducks away.
“Aw, but we haven’t even been introduced yet!” Geonwoo calls after him with a grin. Mostly for Sangwon’s sake- it’s one thing to harass the person responsible for ruining his life; it’s another to bully a complete stranger who’s clearly in over his head. Whatever Sangwon might believe, he does have standards.
Geonwoo makes no move to follow, but Sangwon still hits him in the chest as if to stop him. “Leave him alone, he’s nice. You can find someone else to mess with.”
Always trying to save the day. Geonwoo rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say, princess.”
Sangwon glares at him. “I told you not to call me that.”
He certainly did- it’s the entire reason Geonwoo does it. Sangwon is constantly getting under his skin, so it’s only fair to return the favor. He shrugs in fake apology, then ruffles Sangwon’s perfect hair as he leaves, just to piss him off more. “Oops,” he says. “Must’ve slipped my mind. Try to actually have some fun tonight, yeah?”
Geonwoo turns away and disappears into the crowd, grinning at the sound of Sangwon sputtering behind him. Perfect- he gets the last word unless Sangwon chooses to chase him down, and who’s the one picking a fight then? This is definitely a win. Take that, Sangwon.
It’s not hard to find a group to slip into, not when he’s Kim Geonwoo. Conversation isn’t the point, the point is to be charming. It’s easy to perform. This is what he does. This is what he’s good at. It’s all just…acting.
As they talk Geonwoo scans the room to gauge his options (just in case Hyewon changes her mind) and- there. Sangwon’s little friend, the nervous one, has found someone else to hang off of.
Guess he didn’t need saving after all. He’s in a group now, no longer hidden against a wall, and one of the others has an arm draped casually around his shoulders. But…something is off. Geonwoo frowns slightly as he watches. There’s five of them there, including Sangwon’s friend, and he certainly looks like he’s a part of it, but he never actually seems to say anything.
He’s pretending. The thought hits him in an instant and then he can’t unsee it. It’s a performance, just like his- though Geonwoo’s a much better actor. It should be obvious to anyone bothering to look that no part of the kid actually wants to be here.
So why is he here?
Geonwoo doesn’t bother to hide his staring. No one around is sober enough to notice, and even if they did he doubts they’d care. As he’s watching the kid glances around the room and their eyes lock. He freezes in place, then jerks away, blushing again.
Cute, Geonwoo finds himself thinking again. The reaction is just like the first time Geonwoo acknowledged him- jumping like he’d thought he was invisible. This kid is so different from anyone he’s used to, and there’s something about that that’s…interesting.
There’s an unfamiliar twinge in his heart, one he doesn’t really know how to parse. What he does know is he wants to know more.
Timing is important here. Geonwoo lets his attention drift back to his own conversation- if he moves too quickly he’ll definitely scare the kid off. Right now he’s in the kid’s head, which is a good thing. They can get to know each other later.
Geonwoo finishes his drink, suddenly much less interested in finding someone to fuck. He’s got a better game in mind- one that he’d probably think twice about if he were sober, which means it’s time for another refill. He excuses himself to the kitchen, where he finally finds Junseo for the first time since the night started. And his boyfriend, of course. They’re always together these days.
Jiahao is…fine, at least. Geonwoo has no issue with him, not like Sangwon. He’s just new enough that they don’t really know each other, and new people are…complicated.
“Geonwoo!” Junseo calls, pulling him in for a hug. “You playing nice?”
Of course that’s the first thing he asks. It’s hard to be mad, though. It’s just Junseo’s way of checking in.
“Yes, dad,” he says, rolling his eyes. “No screaming, I promise.”
“Good.” Junseo claps him on the shoulder. “Having fun?”
He shrugs. “Enough.”
“You joining truth or dare?” Jiahao asks, pulling Geonwoo's attention to him.
Geonwoo raises an eyebrow. “Truth or dare?”
“We’re getting a group together,” Junseo explains. “Party games, y’know? Leo’s off recruiting.”
Which means Sangwon will be there. Geonwoo makes a face that Junseo definitely catches. “I don’t know…”
Junseo rolls his eyes. “Come on, I haven’t seen you all night. I’m sure you can handle it- there’ll be a bunch of people around to serve as a buffer.”
“And you can always bail partway through,” Jiahao reminds him. “Everyone will just think you’re chicken.”
Geonwoo frowns. He doesn’t know Jiahao well enough to say whether that’s meant as an attack- so he should try to play nice, for Junseo’s sake. Truth or dare, huh?
“Fine,” he sighs, and shortly thereafter follows them into the other room- after getting another drink.
There’s a handful of people already there as Geonwoo settles into the circle. He makes a point of not looking at Sangwon, who’s curled up in Leo’s lap, scrolling through his phone- he probably isn’t even playing. Of course he wouldn’t.
Geonwoo glances around at the other players, debating whether he should just bail now- and the decision is made by the sight of Sangwon’s friend wedged into a corner.
It doesn’t look like he’s playing either. He’s not really part of the circle itself, half hidden behind two people Geonwoo doesn’t know- the guy whose arm was around him before, and a stranger who’s familiar in a way Geonwoo can’t quite place. The thought of him sitting out is fine. It’d certainly be more fun if he was playing, but from what Geonwoo’s seen of his nerves so far, truth or dare might actually kill him.
Unlike Sangwon, who’s just too good for it.
The kid’s other friend, the one Geonwoo can’t place, is an absolute mess. He’s loud, like he’s completely forgotten he has an inside voice, and keeps flailing about like he’ll die if he stops moving.
But- that’s strange. He’s practically cuddled up against the nervous kid, leaning in and out of his space as he gestures wildly, and the kid hasn’t reacted once. For a guy who flinches when someone so much as looks at him, he sure is comfortable having one of his arms used as his friend’s own personal fidget toy.
Maybe they’re dating. Geonwoo frowns. He sure hopes not. It’s not that he’s looking to hook up anymore- the chances of that are slim to none- but the kid is new and he’s interesting. And the best way Geonwoo knows to handle someone interesting is to flirt. That’ll backfire immediately if the kid’s already taken.
He turns his attention back to Junseo, who’s taking way too long to explain the rules. It’s truth or dare- what’s there to explain?
Maybe he’ll get some more insight during the game.
-
Of course, the game kicks off with one of Sangwon’s stupid friends pressing Leo about their sex life. Just Geonwoo’s luck- and it’s not like he can even be mad about it, since Kangmin’s clearly just trying to embarrass them. Geonwoo’s done his fair share of that himself.
Leo’s not an exhibitionist, no matter how much Kangmin’s trying to push that narrative. He’s just madly in love with Sangwon to the point of being an idiot. Sangwon, on the other hand? Geonwoo wouldn’t put it past him. His bed used to be up against the wall he shares with Leo, until the first night Sangwon slept over, when he heard everything. It almost felt purposeful at the time. Like Sangwon wanted him to hear.
Leo at least had the decency to be embarrassed in the morning. He hadn’t been able to look Geonwoo in the eye for two whole weeks.
Maybe that’s when they went off and traumatized Kangmin instead.
Doesn’t really matter now. Leo got over it. Sangwon’s still loud. Geonwoo moved his bed- now he sleeps with earplugs, and dreams about them breaking up. Which is never, ever, ever going to happen.
He’d tuned out from the bickering- as fun as it is to watch Leo squirm, hearing them gush about how hot Sangwon is makes his skin crawl- and it seems he missed Leo’s turn. The bottle lands on the kid Geonwoo feels he should recognize, Leejeong dares him to send the most recent picture he took to his parents, and suddenly it makes sense why the kid looks so familiar when Jiahao leans forward to say, “Do not. Under any circumstances. Send Mom and Dad a dick pic.”
Fuck. Of course. It’s fucking Anxin.
Geonwoo’s never actually met Hao’s little brother, only seen him in pictures. And heard tales from Junseo, who never actually said the words spoiled brat, but that’s the vibe his stories give off. Anxin loves attention and hates Junseo for stealing his brother’s- which could be cute if he weren’t a full-grown adult. Geonwoo sighs, taking another sip of his drink. Goddammit. Maybe the scaredy-cat’s more trouble than he’s worth.
There’s some debate happening over which photo should be used for the dare. Geonwoo’s a bit too far to see and doesn’t care enough to push his way in. As far as he can tell from a distance, it’s between a picture of Anxin and one of his maybe-boyfriend, and Hao makes the call to send the latter.
“Xinlongie’s cuter,” he says as justification, “and they like him better than you.”
Xinlongie.
Xinlong.
Anxin squawks a complaint but Geonwoo barely hears it. He has a name now: Xinlong. It’s different. Foreign. Not something he ever would’ve guessed.
Xinlong’s blushing again. Hao’s right- he is cuter. And just so shy- Geonwoo isn’t really the type to seek people out; he’d much rather let them come to him. But Xinlong is interesting, he’s familiar in the way he so clearly doesn’t belong. He’s…precious.
Anxin’s turn is predictably catastrophic: he tries to embarrass Junseo and it blows up in his face. Geonwoo can’t help laughing with the others at the shock on Anxin’s face, though his humor fades as Anxin flops back against Xinlong- who smiles so sweetly and ruffles his hair.
The evidence is piling up and Geonwoo hates where it’s all pointing. Xinlong, despite being scared of his own shadow, is letting Anxin cuddle him in public. Hao knows him by a pet name, and Anxin has cute photos of him on his phone. They have to be dating. Fucking hell.
And yet, where was Anxin the rest of the night? When Xinlong was hovering awkwardly on the edges of conversations, nervous and uncomfortable? Why would Anxin just abandon him, when Xinlong’s suffering was so visible? If they are in a relationship, if doesn’t seem like a very good one.
Either Sangwon doesn’t know Xinlong that well- which is entirely possible- or he’s got his priorities all wrong. He got so defensive about Geonwoo’s mere presence, but where’s that energy when it comes to Xinlong being abandoned by his boyfriend? Further proof that Sangwon’s not nearly as good a person as he thinks he is. If only everyone else could see it.
Geonwoo’s still stewing on that train of thought when after several rounds the bottle finally lands on him.
“Dare,” he says, making eye contact with Kangmin. They barely know each other- intentionally, on Geonwoo’s part- but he’s cozy with Sangwon, who knows too many secrets. Whatever torture Kangmin thinks he can come up with will be much safer overall.
Kangmin smirks. “Dare you to eat a spoonful of the ghost pepper sauce I saw in the fridge.”
That’s it?
Geonwoo rolls his eyes. “Deal.”
As he leaves to get the bottle he hears Junseo groan something about how boring this will be, and he’s not wrong- Geonwoo has excellent spice tolerance. That doesn’t stop him from being a dramatic little bitch about it, making a big show of pouring out a spoonful and licking it clean. He’s sure to hold eye contact with Kangmin the entire time. Nice try. I win.
“Damn, that was boring,” Kangmin sighs.
“Yeah, it’s his sauce, dude,” Leo tells him. “He eats that shit on purpose.”
Xinlong is staring at him from across the circle, so naturally, Geonwoo catches his eye and winks. It’s adorable, the way his eyes get all wide- maybe it doesn’t matter if he’s already got a boyfriend. It’s not like he’s actually looking to date the kid; he’s just…interesting. Geonwoo doesn’t have to flirt, it’s just the easiest part to play.
Of course, now it’s his turn to spin, and when he does the bottle lands on someone whose name he doesn’t know or care to learn. The stranger picks truth, which is always boring but especially when it’s someone you don’t know anything about.
“I don’t know,” Geonwoo says. “What’s your biggest fear?”
It’s a terrible question, but he can’t be bothered to come up with a better one. The answer turns out to be dolphins, however, which starts a whole side discussion on what the fuck kind of fear is that, so it’s not like it’s a total failure.
Geonwoo leans back on his hands, tuning out once again. Truth or dare is honestly…not that interesting a game. Maybe he’d enjoy it more if he knew more of the people involved, but right now he’s seriously starting to regret coming over. Sure, he now has a name for Xinlong but it’s not like he can do anything with it. Not with Sangwon right there and Anxin plastered on top of him.
He sighs, some of the brooding dancing at the edges of his thoughts. Maybe he should go find Hyewon; see if she wants to head upstairs.
Then Xinlong’s other friend, the one that’s not Anxin, says he’d pick Xinlong as someone to hook up with, and Geonwoo wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
“What. Why?” Xinlong blurts out. It’s the first time Geonwoo’s actually heard him speak- his voice is soft but deep- and he already looks like he wants to vanish into the ground.
His friend grins. “Well, Woojinie here already said no, so it’s really just between you and Anxin-hyung, and I mean, that’s a no brainer. First off, he’s just so loud and obnoxious about everything-”
Agreed, Geonwoo thinks as Anxin squawks a complaint.
“-and like obviously he’s pretty and all, but it’s in that really annoying way where he knows it,” Sanghyeon continues unperturbed. “Like he won’t shut up about it sometimes-”
“Wow,” Anxin mutters. Behind him Xinlong is turning redder and redder, trying to pull his arm out of Anxin’s grasp.
“-and he’s so clingy- see, like that! Look at that! So it would definitely become a whole thing. But you on the other hand, you’re really sweet, not really annoying at all, and you’d probably be way less weird about it.”
“Are you kidding me?” Anxin mutters. “He’d be so weird about it.”
Xinlong groans, giving up on extracting his arm to hide adorably in his sweater. Geonwoo can’t help laughing. It’s obvious Sanghyeon’s just messing with both of them, but it’s fun to finally see Xinlong react.
“Well, if you don’t like my answer then who would you pick?” Sanghyeon asks, and Anxin finally lets go of Xinlong to point at him.
“Longie, obviously, because you’re mean to me. But it would be sooooo weird.” He turns to pull Xinlong out of hiding, pressing their foreheads together. “You know I love you. But you also know that would be so weird. Like sooooo weird.”
“Yup,” Xinlong squeaks- he sounds nothing short of terrified. “Definitely weird.”
It would be weird, huh?
Geonwoo’s heart leaps. That sounds like a confirmation- whatever they are, they’re not together, which means the game is back on. Perfect. Forget Hyewon- now he just needs to wait for the opportunity to get Xinlong alone.
Xinlong darts his eyes around the circle, and freezes when they land on his. That’s also interesting- what does he see, when he looks at Geonwoo?
The moment is broken as Sanghyeon adds, “Plus you’re like objectively hot,” and Anxin whirls around to scream. “And I’m not?!”
“Sounds like Xinlong’s the clear winner,” one of Sangwon’s friends teases as Xinlong disappears back into his sweater, “so he should pick the runner up.”
Anxin pouts, flopping back against Xinlong. “Well that’s just unnecessary. I mean, obviously it’s me, right Longie?”
Xinlong peeks down at him through his fingers and in the tiniest little squeak of a voice asks, “If I say yes, can I please go home?”
Geonwoo has no reason to like Anxin- he seems like a mess, a brat, a problem for everyone around him- but from the sound of it he’s the one who forced Xinlong to come, and for that alone Geonwoo has to thank him. Anxin’s eyes go round and he whispers something Geonwoo can’t hear, but it must be agreement because Xinlong sags with relief and says, “Okay. Yes, it’s you. Good night, drink water, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“No promises!” Anxin sings as Xinlong climbs carefully to his feet and starts to make his way out of the room- still red as a tomato.
Now is the time to make his move. It has to be now, before Xinlong disappears forever- but he needs to be careful. Sangwon is watching. He can’t just follow.
Geonwoo waits just long enough to see the bottle land on someone other than him, then downs the rest of his drink, sets down the empty cup, and murmurs, “Bathroom.”
Sangwon shoots him a suspicious look that he pointedly ignores. Geonwoo slips out towards the back of the house-the opposite direction from Xinlong- but walks past the bathroom and out the back door. If he’s quick, he can catch Xinlong coming out the front.
This is insane, he thinks, heart skipping at the fear of getting caught. It’s also the most alive he’s felt in months.
He rounds the corner of the house, praying he’s not too late, and it’s better than he could’ve dreamed. Xinlong is already outside, but he’s not leaving- instead, he’s propped up against the side of the house with his head in his hands, like he’s trying to turn himself back to his normal color.
Cute.
Geonwoo takes a deep breath, fixing his mask- charming, cool, attractive- and silently slinks up next to him, leaning against the wall.
“So your name’s Xinlong,” he purrs, and Xinlong yelps, parting his fingers as he opens his eyes.
“Y-yeah?”
“Good to know.” Geonwoo puts on his best smile, studying the lost little kitten in front of him. It was really so irresponsible of Anxin to bring him here- but his loss is Geonwoo’s gain.
“Why is that good to know?” Xinlong asks.
Geonwoo shrugs. “Just curious. Y’know, since Sangwonnie kept refusing to tell me.”
Xinlong’s eyes flick back towards the house. “Oh,” he says. “Well. Um. Nice to meet you?”
Geonwoo barks out a laugh. Nice to meet you? What is this kid’s deal?
“You’re cute,” he says. “Give me your number.”
Xinlong blinks up at him. “What?”
It’s like he’s never been flirted with before in his life. Actually, based on how shy he is, maybe he hasn’t. “Your phone number,” Geonwoo repeats slowly. “So I can text you.”
“Oh.” Xinlong swallows. “Um. Why?”
Geonwoo laughs again. Okay, Xinlong’s definitely never been flirted with before. That’s adorable- he has no idea what’s going on. Time to make it obvious.
Geonwoo reaches up to brush a loose strand of hair off Xinlong’s forehead and Xinlong trembles under the touch. “Maybe I want to get to know you better,” he says. He makes a point of looking Xinlong up and down, zeroing in on the slice of exposed skin along his waist where his shirt is riding up. Then he smirks- every move calculated, intentional, right down to the angle he tilts his head. “Like I said- you’re cute.”
He can see the exact moment it dawns on Xinlong what’s happening. His eyes- still peeking out from between his fingers- get impossibly wide, and his mouth drops open as he struggles for words.
“Um, I don’t know,” he stutters eventually. “I-I have to go.” Then, suddenly no longer frozen in place, he bolts.
Geonwoo sighs, watching his retreating form disappear into the night. That could’ve gone better.
It’s not a total loss. Xinlong technically didn’t turn him down, he just…panicked and fled. Ideally Geonwoo would be walking away with at least some way to contact him, but it seems like Xinlong’s just too nervous.
Whatever.
He sighs again, pushing off the wall. It’s not like it matters. This was a dumb idea, a stupid impulse he probably shouldn’t have followed. If there’s not going to be any payoff then he should really head back in before anyone gets too suspicious.
-
Despite only being away for five minutes tops, Geonwoo returns to find half the circle gone. It’s mostly Sangwon’s friends remaining.
“Someone broke your lamp,” Leejeong explains when he stops in the doorway, pointing towards the other room. “Junseo-hyung went to deal with it.”
Fucking perfect. Geonwoo rolls his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “Great.”
“Sorry,” Leejeong says, offering a shrug and an awkward smile. It does sound like he means it, but Geonwoo doesn’t bother to respond. He’s not in any shape to be dealing with broken anything and Junseo probably has it handled. On the other hand, it’s the perfect excuse not to be here anymore.
The lamp can’t have been that big of a problem, because it’s mostly dealt with by the time Geonwoo gets there. Even better- he doesn’t even have to pretend to help, and can get back to tonight’s original goal: temporarily plugging the hole in his heart with a warm body in his bed and the fog of alcohol clouding his mind.
So naturally, he starts with another drink.
It’s easy enough to slip back into his persona, though he’s starting to get a little fuzzy around the edges. Not enough to be a problem, but enough for him to notice. All it really means is he’s letting himself wander a little more, letting the conversation come to him. If he stays too long in one place, the void will take over.
Some time later, he spots Hyewon again- he’d almost forgotten about her. She has her back to him, talking to a friend, but he makes his way over to say hi. No one else has stuck out as obviously interested, so this seems like the easiest option.
Her friend spots him first. “Ooh, Haewon-unnie!” she giggles. “Look who it is.”
Haewon. That’s the right name- it’s a good thing he hasn’t said it out loud yet. He pastes on a smile as she turns around and raises an eyebrow.
“Well, fancy seeing you here,” she says. She’s not smiling- something maybe shifted since he saw her last, but whatever it is he can’t pin it down right away.
Geonwoo tilts his head. “How’s your night going?”
Haewon hums. “Could be better. There’s this guy I was talking to earlier, but he’s been ignoring me for a while.”
Ah. So that’s the game they’re playing. It’s still just acting.
“Ignoring you?” he says, frowning in offense. “Sounds like a real asshole.”
Haewon rolls her eyes, unable to hide the hint of a smile. Geonwoo’s natural charm wins again.
“Any chance he could make it up to you?” he asks, taking a small step closer.
Haewon bites her lip and looks him up and down. “I can think of a few ways.”
That’s really all the conversation they need. Geonwoo tilts his head towards the stairs, she smiles for real, and they head off. Her friend calls after them “use protection!” and Haewon flips her off without looking back.
It’s fun. It’s a distraction. It gets him out of his head, and it all blurs together. He can’t remember the details but he doesn’t regret it. He’s here and he’s with someone and for now, that’s enough.
Then it’s over, and she doesn’t stay.
Alone in his dark bedroom, Geonwoo stares at the wall and wonders if it was worth it. The pain is gone, but so is everything else. He’s just…numb. Is that really any better? It’s hard to say. The void may be silent, but its presence looms beneath him.
It would be so easy to just…let himself fall. Geonwoo sighs, closing his eyes- this is the part he hates the most. He took it too far, like always, and no amount of alcohol is going to pull him out of it now. Maybe Haewon could’ve, if she stayed. Maybe the presence of another beating heart would make it easier to ignore the empty space in his chest.
Or maybe not.
“Thanks,” she’d said when she left. “This was fun.”
She doesn’t know he’s hollow inside. No one does. He can’t exactly blame her for not sticking around.
So now he’s alone, and he’s been alone for who knows how long. He’s dressed again, having fully intended to rejoin the party- but really, what’s the point? There’s nothing here to distract him anymore, only the silence of the void waiting to swallow him whole. He knows from experience that won’t just go away. He’s stuck with the nothing.
Nothing.
He is nothing.
Sangwon’s laughter filters in from the stairs and Geonwoo groans, thunking his head back against the wall. He’d recognize it anywhere- it used to be his favorite sound in the world. Now it has him wanting to bash his own skull in.
He’s with Leo, of course. Geonwoo can’t make out the words- and he’s sure he doesn’t want to- but he can hear their voices moving through the hall and into Leo’s room next door. He takes a slow, deep breath.
On the other side of the wall Leo’s bed creaks loudly. The void gets only wider, the edges inching towards his feet, and suddenly Geonwoo needs to be anywhere else.
He’s halfway down the stairs before he’s even realized he’s left, and pauses for a moment to figure out what he’s even doing. It’s not like he’s in a prime state to play pretend, and drinking more will only make it worse. It’s the middle of the night and he’s falling apart inside his own head. He should really just go to sleep.
Geonwoo sighs, runs a hand through his hair, and settles into character. He’ll head down long enough to get a glass of water, smile at anyone he happens to pass, and hope his earplugs are where he left them. There’s no way he’s getting out of a massive hangover tomorrow, but he can at least try to be responsible. And he can’t bring himself to turn around just yet.
The party’s died down enough that it’s easy to slip through without being drawn into another conversation. Geonwoo passes Junseo and Jiahao making out on the couch, which has cold envy burning in his gut. Everyone has a person, now. Everyone but him.
If Junseo were paying attention, he might try to check in again. Geonwoo’s endlessly grateful that he doesn’t.
He pours himself a glass of water from the sink, downs it in one go, then refills it. The second one he drinks more slowly, making his way back to the stairs.
No one tries to talk to him. Most people have left or at least settled down, and Geonwoo nods politely at the few people who make eye contact. Haewon, fortunately, is nowhere to be seen. It’s better that way. No strings.
His glass is half empty when he reaches the top of the stairs- and seconds later it’s just empty as Anxin appears out of fucking nowhere to slam into him and spill the rest all over Geonwoo’s shirt before falling backwards onto his ass.
“Watch it,” Geonwoo snaps
Anxin glares at him from the floor. “You watch it,” he retorts, slurring through the words.
God, he’s such a mess. Geonwoo doesn’t have time for this- it’s nearly three in the morning and he’s not in the fucking mood to play babysitter.
“Shouldn’t you be leaving the alcohol to the adults if you’re going to be this much of a mess?” Why he was even invited is the real question. The kid obviously can’t handle himself.
Anxin scowls, stumbling to his feet. “Don’t have to be a dick about it,” he grumbles. “S’an accident. ‘M not that drunk.”
Geonwoo barks a laugh- Anxin is visibly swaying where he stands.
“Asshole,” Anxin adds as an afterthought, and Geonwoo rolls his eyes.
Whatever. Not my fucking problem. He shoves past Anxin towards his room. Let Jiahao deal with his mess of a brother.
The door shuts behind him with a click and he sighs, letting the anger bleed out into the silence.
The silence.
Against his will, his ears turn laser-focused to the wall he shares with Leo. For a moment, there’s nothing- then Sangwon makes a sound. So quiet, but loud enough to notice.
Geonwoo curses, tearing off his soaking wet shirt as he rushes across the room to find his earplugs. They’re not on the bedside table which means they probably fell somewhere on the floor, but he doesn’t have time to search so he grabs his headphones instead and turns on his music at near max volume.
It works. Enough, at least. Geonwoo sighs, collapsing onto the bed and throwing an arm over his face. Fucking Sangwon.
He’s so tired.
Give in, the void whispers beneath him, opening its jaws. Give up.
Geonwoo doesn’t bother to respond, but he can feel himself slipping as his breathing starts to slow.
Yes, that’s good, says the void. Let go. Come to me.
This is where you belong- here, in the dark.
Remember you are alone.
Remember you are nothing.
Nothing, Geonwoo echoes in his head. Always nothing.
And with that, he falls.