Chapter Text
The first person Nitori reminds Rin of is Nagisa.
He is chipper and bright, with a childish smile and face, and despite himself, Rin can't really stand to see the kid upset, dejected, because it's like watching a little kid cry. Nitori is straightforward and honest, blunt, often saying things that he apologizes for right after, and surprisingly persistent. That's probably why Rin has let him stick around, because of that surprisingly stubborn nature, the will behind soft sighs and pouts.
Nagisa was like that, Rin thinks, Nagisa was cheerful and silly, and hadn't seemed to change despite time passing. He was still open and honest, and Rin remembers years ago, where Nagisa had proven him wrong, pushed past his limits and won that first place breaststroke, won a spot on Rin's team.
Nitori is like that, Rin has watched him swim. Nitori may say he never improves, but he does--minimally, in the water, when they do swim relay practice, but when Nitori is in the water and competing, he has the same style. He fights for first, but doesn't realize the passion after, thinks everything was the same as before.
Rin finds the difference in the fact that Nitori will bite his lip and lament, turn bitter when he realizes he was still too slow to make it, even if he bounces back with ease.
Rin wonders if Nagisa has ever done that, ever turned so bitter that he can't hide it for a minute, Rin wonders if, in the time he was gone, Nagisa has learned how to hurt from the inside. To wonder if he really isn't good enough. And to honestly believe it.
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The second person Nitori reminds Rin of is Makoto.
It's a strange, startling realization, one that hits him in the face without warning, Nitori's softer smile, the one not so filled with respect and admiration, is similar to Makoto's. Nitori's gentleness is often marred by his mouth("Senpai, you look awful, you're pale-- Ahh I'm sorry, senpai please don't-- Ow! Hey!"), but it exists, takes shape in the form of staying after practice to time Rin's laps, staying up late in the dorm room to open the door after Rin has snuck out to run, asking whether he's okay, even though he knows that Rin won't answer. Luckily, he doesn't hold out his hand to help Rin out of the pool, because that would be too much.
Rin remembers Makoto's tremble, the way those child shoulders had shivered and cried, the way he had tied it all up and acted like it hadn't happened. Makoto's kindness extends far beyond what Rin can understand, Makoto's ability to seal himself for others, hide behind curtain after curtain of smiles to make sure no one could see what Rin had seen, the trembling of a scared little boy, terrified of something.
Nitori does that. Nitori does it less, but Nitori does that, when Rin scares him, when he gets upset--he'll draw back, retreat into smiles and laughter and self deprecation, apologies, but unlike Makoto, Nitori can't do it for long. Rin catches him when he thinks he's not looking, when Nitori is truly upset--he sees him tremble, him cling onto the window banister, and he doesn't tell Nitori the reason he came back earlier than usual is because he caught him crying, saw his face near the open window.
Somehow, Nitori's weakness is relieving. Makoto's strength had frightened Rin, those many years before, the power he had to seal away his emotions, no matter how stormy. And the way that worked on anyone who hadn't seen him cry, that had frightened Rin the most. Nitori can't do that. Nitori is still human, still young, still weak, and Rin finds something comforting about it, even if all he does when Nitori turns and stutters, "Ma-Matsuoka-senpai, uhm, I, I'm sorry you saw me like this, isn't it early-" is roughly tousle his hair. Nitori though, like Makoto, sees through him, and laughs a little, sniffling.
"Thank you, senpai."
It's unspoken, but they're closer after that. Nitori is willing to be weak around him, and Rin finds himself more at ease too, grumbles more, heart not on his sleeve, but still easy to find.
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The third person Nitori reminds Rin of is Haruka.
It is an uncomfortable, irritating realization, one that drives them apart for a while. Nitori is stubborn and willful, will cry in weakness, but is silent in anger, refusing to budge, closes his emotions to his aggravator.
It's not my fault, Rin thinks, Nitori had asked the question first, why Rin swam, and Rin had told him pieces of his reason. The feeling of a win. The pride he'd get when the credit was given to him alone. He'd expected an answer, and had indicated so, and Nitori, his willful, stupid mouth, had said, "Well, I like to win too. But I've just...Always loved the water. It's comfortable, you know, it feels nice and swimming just seemed natural--" And Rin had thrown a fit and stormed his way out after Nitori had said, "Well senpai, your reasons are just as stupid, winning isn't everything, that's such an childish way of thinking!"
The reason Nitori gives is so very Haruka, Rin grinds his teeth at the memory of him. The childhood Haruka that was cold and frustrating, unique but aggravating. The one who swam with a vigor no matter what, liked to swim because he liked the water, and yet he was so good, he was so fucking good at something he didn't even really care about. It was infuriating, is infuriating, he runs an extra lap just thinking about it. Haruka, who had beaten him years ago, Haruka, who acted like he couldn't take Rin seriously, Haruka who acted like Rin didn't even matter, he was just a problem--
--Nitori still leaves the door open for him, and Rin knows he's still awake, pretend sleeping in his bunk, listening. Waiting to make sure Rin will come back, safe, uncaught.
Nitori cares, Rin remembers. He may be quiet, unwilling to answer when Rin mutters that the argument was his fault, but he left the door open, and he doesn't fall asleep until Rin lies down on his own bed with a grunt.
Rin buys him bread in the morning to apologize, and Nitori accepts it with a tentative smile, then looks down at his feet and says, "I'm sorry."
Rin tells him not to worry about it, ruffling his hair as he does so, so Nitori doesn't see his face.
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The last person Nitori reminds Rin of is himself.
Nitori, who he's caught swimming alone in the pool, Nitori, who climbs out in a hurry and explains in rushed, embarrassed words, "I thought maybe I could improve if I followed your plan, I'm really sorry about stealing it, I really wanted to improve though, and..."
He looks at the ground, off to the side, and Rin sees it, the thoughts going through Nitori's head, the I want to be better I want to improve I want to be stronger, and it hurts, seeing himself in him. It hurts and he doesn't know what exactly to do, so he throws a towel Nitori's way and watches Nitori flinch as it hits him.
"Oh, thanks." He murmurs, toweling his hair. Rin walks over and stares up at the ceiling, hands in his tracksuit pockets.
"So you don't believe it's just talent." Is what ends up coming out of his mouth, and Nitori, if possible, seems to stare harder at the floor.
"I..." He swallows, then looks up, that determined bit of him glimmering, "I did, but...Senpai, you really make me think it's not true."
Rin laughs. It comes with a sudden force, startles the both of them, but he laughs from deep inside, nearly chokes, tears forming in his eyes. It dies down eventually, short wheezes, his shoulders shaking.
"Honestly?" Rin chuckles, hand over his face, still looking at the ceiling. "I made you think that?"
"Y- Yes!" Nitori says, uncertainty coloring his voice. "I, I really admire you, senpai. You work really hard."
Yes, Rin thinks, Nitori would actually know that, considering he does the timing, leaves the door open, knows how long Rin runs, sees Rin overcome when others only see Rin after all of that. Nitori would be able to show him all that, that's so...It just suits him, his mishmash of traits.
Rin claps him on the back, arm around his shoulder, still laughing, though softly. Nitori turns an interesting shade of pink and orange.
"Thanks." He says. "Thanks a lot."