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There is a knot in her stomach that Andy can't seem to unravel.
A knot she finds completely ridiculous, perhaps embarrassingly immature and possibly a little bit pathetic too. And it all started during one of her lunches with Emily.
Having lunch with Emily had turned into somewhat of a weekly routine allowing them to catch up with each other amidst their busy schedules. They had ended up in their usual lunch spot a few blocks from their offices, the midway point, as Andy had reasoned when she first suggested this restaurant to Emily months ago — and everything had been nice, as it always was.
Andy might even argue to say that lunch that day was particularly more than just nice; Emily is in a remarkably good mood and has given her more smiles than she normally would. She had genuinely laughed at Andy's jokes until her eyes crinkle into half moons, had ordered fries again for the both of them to share, and had barely looked at her phone, giving Andy her undivided attention.
There’s just something about the air Emily eludes that day that puts Andy at complete ease, and she really likes this. Likes sitting across Emily watching her talk while gesturing with her hands, or the way her eyebrows furrow in concentration when she listens to Andy talking.
She likes the way Emily's eyes soften when Andy laughs at her own jokes. The ones which Emily clearly doesn't find funny. She likes —
Well. Andy likes Emily. Far, far too much than she would have expected when she rekindled their friendship after the almost takeover fiasco with Runway.
And Andy has been doing a rather spectacular (read as: poor) job at convincing herself that what she feels towards the redhead is nothing more than just a silly little crush. A crush is supposed to be more manageable anyway; it usually doesn't leave you feeling like you've ran half a marathon when the other person brushes their hand against yours without realising, or how there's an ache in your chest when you can’t fall asleep because she occupies your mind 24/7.
Crushes most certainly do not make your stomach twist into ugly knots of jealousy over a woman from Emily's past. Which is why, when Emily stops midway in her sentence to look past Andy's shoulder, Andy immediately senses the shift in the air between them.
"Oh my god," Emily says in surprise, and Andy turns her head to follow her line of vision. That is when she sees her, recognising her instantly as another former Runway colleague she had not spoken more than ten sentences with twenty years ago.
Serena.
And a thought instantly crosses Andy's mind, of how this is the Serena who had once been Emily's person. The same Serena who now stops a few feet from their table as recognition crosses her expression.
"Emily Charlton?"
Andy glances at her friend and watches the way her entire face just lights up. Not even subtly as how Emily usually would control her facial expression - and this knowledge makes Andy's heart catch in her throat without warning.
"Serena!" Emily exclaims, jumping up from her chair just to go around their table to hug her old friend. "It’s really you!"
Andy observes the hug that lingers more than three seconds, observes the way Emily's hand remains on Serena's arm even when she pulls away from the hug.
Serena grins and tells her, "Wow, look at you, Emily! Still as beautiful as ever."
"Oh, stop it." Emily smiles, shrivelling from the compliment. "What are you doing here? Weren't you relocated to LA?"
"Yes, but I'm visiting to oversee some projects for the next couple of days." Serena replies. "What about you? I heard you're with Dior now?"
"Oh, that's old news." Emily makes a face. "I'm with Coach now, and before you give me a look, I am extremely content and happy working there."
Serena waves her hand in the air. "I have nothing against Coach obviously. I think they're great. You go, girl!"
The conversation flows between them so naturally that Andy has no choice but to look down at her plate, suddenly developing profound interest in her half eaten lunch. She feels rather out of place suddenly, like she is intruding in a private conversation, and Andy doesn't know what she should do. It would be odd to just disappear into the background, but it would be even more odd to suddenly butt into their conversation.
Thankfully for Andy though, Emily makes the decision for her by gesturing one hand towards her direction. "Serena, do you remember Andy?"
That question gives Andy the opening to throw them a huge smile as she starts to stand. "Hi, I'm—"
"No way," Serena gasps as recognition sparks across her expression. "weren't you that nerdy girl who wanted to become a journalist or something…?"
Mildly impressed by Serena's memory, Andy shakes her hand as she nods. "Yup. I'm that Andy from twenty years ago. The one with horrible fashion sense, as this one would say."
Emily rolls her eyes playfully, still smiling.
"Not anymore, clearly." Serena looks thoroughly impressed as she does a quick scan of Andy's outfit. "My, it's fancy seeing you again after all these years. Wait, are you two having lunch together?"
"Don't look so surprised." Emily chuckles. "Andy and I are friends."
"Friends? But you two didn't even get along back then."
Andy forces herself to remain cordial, even though she has half a mind to tell Serena off for basing her first impression on something as stale as events from twenty years ago.
"Well," Emily starts to explain calmly, "we reconnected several months ago after Andy rejoined Runway, and we decided to stay in touch."
Serena's eyes widen in surprise as she lets out another loud gasp. "Rejoined Runway? Is there even such a thing? Like, you're telling me Miranda Priestly allowed you to rejoin Runway after you left the first time?"
"It's a long story," Andy says and immediately regrets it when Serena decides unilaterally that she has all the time to listen to her story — and that is how Serena ends up plopping down at their table beside Emily without further invitation, and Andy can only force herself to smile politely, unable to object and unable to tear her gaze at Emily's almost permanent smile towards her old friend.
Andy feels discomfort rising within her stomach the more she stares at them.
It honestly wouldn't have bothered her this much if she didn't know the extent of their closeness and relationship. One Emily had told her in passing without preamble and didn't dwell on it for long, and on another occasion when Nigel had subjected Andy to excruciating details of how close Emily had been exactly with Serena back in "those days".
Now, Andy practically has a front row seat to seeing their chemistry, to finally understanding what Nigel had said to her before about how they had "something" with each other.
And this is deeply unsettling to her.
Because Serena knew things about Emily that Andy doesn't. Every few seconds, she would mention a past occurrence and Emily would laugh before she even finishes recounting the story.
"Do you still remember that party? The one you—"
"Oh god, shut up! Are you talking about that party?"
It's like they're talking in codes, Andy shifts uncomfortably in her seat.
"Duh, what other party would I still remember until today? You were soo—"
"Do not bloody remind me!" Emily is almost hysterical. "That was the single most embarrassing moment of my life, and you actually let something like that happen under your watch!"
"Honey, you and I were both so drunk that night, I was incapable of stopping you from climbing onto the stage to belt out some random love song."
And then they fall into another round of laughter clearly filled with an inside joke that doesn't include Andy - and all she could do is continue smiling so hard her face starts to hurt.
It's fine, Andy tells herself. She's fine.
It's just two old friends catching up, she continues in her mind. It's not like she's jealous, no freaking way. Why would she even be? The crease on Andy's forehead returns as she tries to reason with herself that she's merely observing, that is all. Since when is observation equated to jealousy?
Maybe because, her inner voice says snidely, you are making observations on things that only a jealous person would.
Like how Serena is still capable of making Emily blush despite the years of not meeting each other. What sort of observation is that?
One that she decides soon enough that she hates. Only because there is an intimacy between them that Andy thinks she cannot touch no matter how hard she tries. It isn't necessarily romantic, but rather, filled with years of history Andy would never be a part of. And that in itself makes it so much worse in her eyes.
How can she measure up to someone who has been in Emily's life for a good couple of years, while she only has lunches with Emily every now or then? Someone with years of memories shared with Emily, while she only has text messages dated from nine months ago?
How can Andy ever measure up to Serena who knew the versions of Emily she would never meet ever again?
Seeing Emily smile at someone else with such a soft and unguarded expression makes Andy feel like something just cracked open inside her.
She wants that. God, she wants that so badly.
She wants to be the person who knew all of Emily's stories. She wants to be the person to say "do you remember when..." and watches the way Emily's face lights up with pure unadulterated joy as she remembers. She wants to know the Emily who climbed on stage and sang karaoke when she was drunk.
Andy wants to know the Emily who had been 25 or 28 or 30.
She wants it all. Is that too much to ask for? Just wanting is not enough now that Andy realises the extent of her feelings for Emily. Not when she wants—
"Andy?"
She blinks, and realises Emily is looking at her with concern on her face.
"Sorry." Andy says out of reflex, in assumption that she had missed something directed to her. "You were saying?"
"No, no. Just…you're rather quiet."
"Oh." Andy looks down at her plate again, poking her lettuce with her fork repeatedly. "I'm just eating, that's all."
Emily frowns, clearly not believing her.
Still, Andy sees Emily pushing their shared plate of fries closer to her. "Well, don't forget to eat some carbs too."
Before Andy could say anything, Serena chimes in brightly. "I knew that plate of fries was hers! I thought to myself, surely Emily isn't a carb eater now?"
Andy feels a tick of annoyance surge through her entire being at that innocent remark, and she opens her mouth wanting to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong to be eating carbs - but Emily beats her to it with a curt laugh.
"As a matter of fact, I am. I ordered this to share with Andy."
Serena does a double take, clearly surprised to hear that. "Are you really?"
"Someone wise once told me shared carbs have no calories." Andy states, and catches the way Emily throws her a smile and a bashful look.
"Huh." Serena looks between them quietly. "Interesting."
"It’s true." Emily says defensively.
"Oh, no, I don’t mean about the statement." Serena laughs, shaking her head. "I just find it interesting how much you've changed, Emily."
"I should hope so." The redhead says without missing a beat. "It's been more than fifteen years since we last saw each other. I would be surprised if I didn't."
"Hm," Serena just hums, and casts another look between the two of them - whatever that could mean, Andy frowns slightly. "that's good to hear, Emily. I mean it."
And then Andy's phone buzzes with a few incoming messages in rapid succession, and she immediately knows that isn't a sign for anything good.
"Shit." She reads her notifications and her instinct is proven right. Charlie had just sent her a few messages, all written in capital letters with multiple exclamation points — and Andy stands abruptly. She meets Emily's gaze then, and she sees something flicker in her ocean eyes. Something Andy doesn't quite understand.
"Em, I—"
"Go." Emily waves one hand in the air as her expression morphs into something else. As if in resolution. As if in acceptance. Of what, Andy doesn't know.
Then Emily looks at Serena and explains with just a single word - or name, rather. "Miranda."
"Oh." Serena makes a face then, one that is filled with sympathy as Andy pushes her chair back.
"I'll make it up to you, Em, I swear." Andy promises, hands clasped together. "Dinner this Friday night with the kids? I'll text you."
She doesn't wait for Emily's answer, as if almost afraid of what she might hear. "And Serena, it was so nice to see you again." Andy lies smoothly while taking a few steps away from the table before making a sprint for the door.
A cowardly move, one disguised under a work emergency. Andy's not proud of it, but she doesn't know what else she could do to get out of this situation - for if she spends another minute in the same room with Serena and Emily, she might actually lose her mind.
So much for just having a crush.
Friday night comes, and dinner starts off in its usual manner with two children talking over each other as they enthusiastically share their day with the adults at the table.
Andy responds accordingly every time Bronwyn or Roark direct their statements and questions at her. Having her around for dinner with the Charltons isn't something out of the ordinary, given the amount of time she has spent with them over the past few months. What is out of the ordinary, though, is the new subject matter Emily had casually slipped into their conversation at the table.
"Serena wanted me to tell you that she's read some of your articles for Runway recently."
The name makes Andy tense up, even though it's stupid of her to have such a reaction. "Oh, is that so? I hope they were enjoyable reads for her."
Emily nods. "She said she was impressed. Even sent me screenshots of some online comments praising your writing."
Andy nods, even though her focus isn't quite at the main point of what Emily had just told her. From what she'd just said, Andy deduces that Emily and Serena have been talking and texting recently - and it makes her heart pound irrationally.
"Serena thinks that—"
Andy stops listening, her thoughts now occupied with a singular thought of acceptance. There is no use in denying it anymore, she thinks as she sinks deeper into the chair. She feels a bubbling wave of emotion clawing its way through her heart in a manner that makes her feel nauseous.
Andrea Sachs is jealous.
It doesn't make sense for her to be, but that's that. She's jealous over Serena of all people.
How pathetic.
The grip on her utensils tighten as Andy tries to shake that thought away. But there's no mistake in what she'd just accepted to be true - she's jealous that they've kept in touch, jealous that Emily keeps talking about her, clearly liking Serena enough to involve her in their conversations. Most of all, Andy is jealous over how Emily looks so happy reconnecting with Serena again, and that's the part that frightens her.
Not so much of the jealousy, but the wanting. The wanting is enormous.
She'd established it over lunch the other day, and then again during dinner tonight: Andy wants Emily to look at her the way she'd looked at Serena. She wanted Emily to have stories about her, wanted to be part of Emily's history.
She'd called what she felt for Emily as a mere "crush", but who was Andy kidding? She'd only been calling it as that because it felt safer. A crush can be brushed off as temporary, a crush is mostly silly and harmless. But a crush cannot make Andy feel like her heart is being squeezed tightly every time Emily so much as mentions Serena's name casually.
But what rights does she have to feel this way towards Emily? To want certain things with her?
"Andyyyyy! You're not listening!"
"Yes, Ro? Sorry, I was thinking about something else." She snaps back into attention, smiling brightly at the boy as though she didn't just realise something huge about her feelings for his mother.
Emily fixes her gaze on Andy, her eyebrows furrowed slightly together, and doesn't say anything else. Andy continues to smile at the kids, continues to answer their questions. But she isn't looking at Emily anymore, and Emily isn't talking to her about Serena anymore.
Dinner goes on for a while more before the kids are whisked to take their baths and do their homework; Andy helps out with Bronwyn's maths homework while Emily reviews Roark's essay. Two hours later, the kids are knocked flat after they're tucked into bed.
Andy waits in the living room, now quiet and devoid of any sounds, casually doom scrolling on her phone. When she hears Emily emerge from Bronwyn's bedroom, their eyes meet. They don't say anything instantly, and their gaze merely lingers for several long seconds until Emily gestures at the wine cabinet in her kitchen.
"Care to join me for a glass of wine before you go?"
Andy nods once. "A glass of wine does sound good right now."
Emily smiles and goes over to her kitchen, returning afterwards with two glasses of wine in her hands. She hands one over to Andy and settles herself comfortably beside her on the couch. They sip their wine in silence, not knowing what to say as Andy tries her hardest not to dwell on the thoughts she had over dinner earlier.
And then, she hears a question from Emily.
"Are you okay?"
There it is, Andy's heart sinks a little, that awful, tender concern that does nothing but make her feel worse about herself. She looks away into the quiet night and doesn't reply Emily immediately. But there's a part of her that wants very much to lean into her, how easy it would be. How natural. Emily is seated so close to her she could smell the scent of her body wash, could feel the warmth of her shoulder barely an inch away.
"Did Serena upset you by any chance?"
Andy's head whips around quickly, mostly in shock. "What? No!"
But Emily doesn't look convinced. "Then what's wrong? And don't say nothing, Andy, because I've been observing and there's something you're not telling me."
"Why…" Andy starts after a long pause, her finger grazing the rim of her glass slowly. "Why did you think Serena upset me?"
"Well, you were fine before we bumped into her the other day." Emily states her observation. "And even during dinner earlier, your demeanour changed as soon as I mentioned her."
Andy sighs and places the wine glass down on the coffee table. She'd forgotten how sharp Emily's observation could be. "It's silly, really."
"Try me, then." Emily states.
"Serena didn't even do anything. It's just my own feelings being ridiculous when it comes to…" Andy gulps, closing her eyes and looking away. The words are stuck in her throat, and Emily pats her thigh once.
"Andy, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
Andy nods, and takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing, she thinks. A leap of faith.
"I recently discovered that I, apparently, can't control my feelings when it comes to you." She tells her after catching her gaze, and sees the way Emily's cheeks slowly turn pink at Andy's statement. Too late to back down or retract her statement now, Andy continues rather boldly. "You being close to Serena, given your history with her, makes me jealous."
And then her confidence disappears and Andy's voice drops to a whisper. "There, I've said it."
Emily blinks. Once, twice. As if trying to digest the words Andy had just said. While waiting for her response, Andy reaches for her glass of wine again, taking sips to distract herself from the fact that Emily is taking way too long to say something.
"Andy…" Emily finally says carefully. "you know Serena and I haven't spoken properly in years, right? How we haven't been close for ages."
Andy nods, a little shameful, and says. "I know. But I can't help but to feel that way. That there are parts of you that I don't know of that she does. Or did."
It is Emily's turn to put her glass of wine down.
"She was important to me once, sure. But that's all it ever was." She continues quickly. "And you, Andy, are what's important to me now."
Andy's breath hitches in her throat, and she meets Emily's gaze again.
"I don't want you to feel like you aren't significant in my life just because you weren't around in the past." Emily whispers firmly. "For what is worth, I like who I am the most when I am with you."
Andy feels the lump returning to her throat as she dares herself to ask. "You do?"
Emily nods once. Somehow, all her guards are lowered that evening as she willingly indulges to Andy's behaviour. "Serena knew who I was, but you know who I am now. Andy," She sighs softly. "Don't you get it? The past isn't as important as the present."
The implication sticks to Andy, this time. Serena is the past, while she is the present.
Andy feels all the air leave her as she understands the full weight of Emily's statement.
"I can't believe you were upset about Serena and me." At Andy's silence, Emily continues quietly. "That's…something, considering I'm not always your first choice either."
Andy is now confused. "What do you mean?"
"Look," Emily shakes her head quickly, realising her slip-up. "I'm just saying that there's no need for you to be—"
"No, don't do that. Don't try to change the topic to something else." Andy turns her entire body to face her. "Em, what do you mean you're not always my first choice?"
Emily knows there's no way she can get out of not answering Andy, and given the direction of their conversation that evening, she thinks maybe it is alright to be truthful. Her voice drops to a whisper as she says, in a somewhat shameful tone. "Miranda."
"What?" Andy's eyes widen.
"It's the truth, isn't it, Andy?" Emily says without malice. "That you will always choose Miranda over me, as you've had multiple times now. The second she calls, you go running over to her."
"No, Em…"
Emily shifts her gaze elsewhere. "And I don't fault you for that. Gosh, not at all. As a matter of fact, you should, if anything, choose her first. She's Miranda and she's your boss and I'm…I'm just a nobody."
"Do not say that." Andy hisses at once. "You are not nobody to me."
And then Andy reaches for Emily's hands, clasping them around hers together tightly. "Miranda is important to me in a way that's different with how you are important to me."
Emily's eyes soften. Andy continues. "For the longest of time, I thought wanting was enough. And with you I wanted somany things. Then Serena appeared and it made me realised that just thinking about wanting wasn't enough. I was also afraid that if I said this out loud, you wouldn't…that you would think I'm out of line…"
"Oh, Andrea." Emily sighs, shifting her hands around Andy's, so that she can intertwine them together. "For someone as brilliant and smart as you, you can be rather obtuse when it comes to feelings, huh?"
Andy does a double take in surprise. "Excuse me?!"
Emily laughs - really laughs, with her eyes crinkling into half moons as she leans towards her. "Andy, do you really think I'd let you come into my home week after week, to spend time with my kids, to have meals with you all the time, if I didn't like you the way you like me?"
"Um," Andy's face is now a beetroot red. "I didn't…I didn't want to simply assume."
Emily shakes her head in disbelief. "Even Serena made that observation almost immediately after you left, do you know that?"
"What?" Andy squeaks.
"She said, and I quote, 'Andy has feelings for you.'" Emily reports with a bashful smile. "Followed by a, 'and you have feelings for Andy too.' She was rather confident, you know."
Andy's heart is pounding so hard against her chest that she could hear it ring in her ears. She looks down at their intertwined hands, then looks at Emily's expression, all soft and encompassing of adoration towards her, and Andy suddenly feels stupid for even feeling threatened over Serena for the past week.
"Wow." is all she could manage. "Serena said that?"
Emily leans closer towards her, nodding again. "Mmhm."
Andy doesn't back away, her eyes locked on Emily's. "And…Serena's actually right about that."
Emily hums again, in confirmation, and Andy sees how Emily's gaze has flickered to her lips. She feels dizzy, but in a good way, and Andy manages to whisper.
"For the record, I don't want to become your past someday like Serena."
"Then don't." Emily pauses and Andy can see the way her cheeks are now flushed in crimson red. "Why don't you be my future instead?"
And that is all it takes, that sentence, that confirmation, for Andy to close the gap between them, her eyes fluttering shut. She presses her lips against Emily's, softly at first, carefully, as if uncertain. And then Andy hears Emily make a soft sound against her mouth - something akin between relief and surprise - and that is all the permission she needs to deepen it. Andy breaks the hold on their hands so that she can slide her hands to Emily's waist, wanting to pull her closer into her.
Emily returns her kiss almost immediately, like she has been waiting for it longer than she is willing to admit. Their first kiss isn't rushed, isn't desperate. It is warm and tender in a way that makes Andy's chest ache and soften almost all at once. When Andy pulls back, it is only for a fraction, just close enough that they are still breathing the same air - and she feels Emily resting her forehead against hers.
"Are you okay now?" Emily whispers, and Andy lets out a shaky breath that could probably pass off as a laugh.
"Yeah," She admits quietly. "More than okay, in fact."
Emily smiles slightly, and rests one hand on Andy's thigh, caressing it gently. It sends a jolt of electricity down Andy's spine, and something else begins to unfurl in her stomach.
"Hey, I have a question."
"Hm?"
"This means we're dating, right?"
Emily leans back fully, and Andy opens her eyes to see the look of amusement on her face. "What, I was just asking to be sure."
"Yes, Andy." Emily answers in the end, skipping the part where she had contemplated teasing her further. "I suppose that makes you my girlfriend now. Happy?"
"Absolutely. Oh, you have no idea." Andy scoots closer so that she can wind her arm around her waist and bring her other hand to cup Emily's face. "Does this mean I can kiss you again?"
Emily's cheeks turn another shade redder and she clears her throat. "I think I'd like that, yes."
Andy grins, and leans forward to kiss her again. And again, and again.
Hopefully for the rest of her life.