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'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Shack
Not a creature was creaking, not even Stan's back
The stockings were hung by the TV with care
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there
The Pines twins were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Dream Boy High danced in Mabel's head
In the room down the hall Stan was snoring loud
In the basement below Ford spoke his dreams aloud
When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter
Dipper sprang from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the window he flew like a flash
Tripped over his feet, pressed his face against the glass
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of midday to objects below
When, what to his wandering eyes should appear
But a bright yellow demon whom they'd not seen for a year!
With an R-rated curse and a burst of blue fire
Dipper knew things were about to become pretty dire
His last name was Cipher, his first name was Bill
And apparently he wasn't so easy to kill
"Oh, well this is just great!" the small demon said
As his tiny little body began to glow red
"From a decaying dimension to being frozen in stone."
Cipher rolled his one eye and let out a groan
As an empty plastic bag that in the wind flies
Bill glared at the house and rose up into the sky
He grumbled under his breath and muttered complaints
Dipper felt at any second he might fall down and faint
And then, in a twinkling, Bill had rose out of sight
Dipper took a deep breath and got over his fright
He turned from the window and flew from the room
Calling Mabel awake to warn of their doom
The ruckus he made on his way down the stairs
As he ran to wake Ford who would be well-prepared
Woke Stan from his slumber and to the hallway he stepped
From his bedroom in his boxers, looking rather unkempt
"Where's the fire?" Stan called as Dipper ran faster
Desperate to prevent this imminent disaster
But Ford was already at the bottom of the stairs
Alarms below blaring and a gun in his care
Before anyone could move so much as an inch
The Shack door flew open and everyone flinched
There in the doorway was Bill Cipher made real
Floating indifferently and making Dipper squeal
Equilateral and sharp, and a yellow so bold
Mabel laughed when she saw him and his eye turned cold
With a slump of his shoulders and a sigh from his mouth-eye
He said "Fleshbags, I'm back, and you're wondering why!"
The Pines spoke not a word, in far too much shock
As Bill floated past them and continued to talk
"So get this," he says as they follow him inside
And he snaps his fingers and the Pines' eyes go wide
There in their stockings and under the tree
Appeared mountains of presents, all wrapped and shiny
"The only way for me to shirk all that blame
Is to become Santa Claus and wallow in the shame."
The Pines all said nothing, not sure what he meant
So Bill rolled his eye again and on his cane he leant
"Different form, different time, that's what it said
So here I am again, and joy and cheer I'll spread."
"Now open your damn presents, you traitorous little shits
So I can get the hell out of here, lickity-split."
After a moment of silence, the Pines family shrugged
They'd seen stranger things without even being drugged
For Stanford, a large gift, and topped with a bow
The man looked excited though he tried not to show
He peeled back the wrappings, A QUANTUM DESTABILIZER
Now imagine if things rhymed with "quantum destabilizer"
For Stanley, another big one, too heavy to lift
The old man warily eyed up his gift
He didn't get to open it before it simply exploded
The Footbot 2000, all sciencey and loaded
For Dipper, what looked like a modern smartphone
But when he asked it a question, he found his mind blown
"All the secrets of the universe!" Bill said with a wink
"Don't tell anyone, or to the bottom of the lake you'll sink."
And for Mabel, what looked at first to be a sweater
But Bill promised it was definitely something much better
"For those days where you just gotta stay in Sweater Town!"
His cryptic words earned him nothing but frowns
"Well, Pines family, my work here is done!
I really can't stay, but boy it's been fun!
Baby, it's cold outside, but I've got to go
Like, seriously now, or up I will throw."
Blue fire rose around him, to the Pines he gave a whistle
And away the demon flew like the down of a thistle
But they heard him exclaim, 'ere he faded out of sight
"I hate every single one of you, and Christmas is SHITE."