Archive of Our Own

It's a joke on their comedy podcast.

Their comedy podcast where they make jokes for comedic purposes to make people laugh.

Purely a joke.

The joke was that Dan said, "Kiss your male friend. We do that all the time," and it was a joke. They were talking about queerbaiting initially, then Phil brought up the concept of kissing, which was the perfect statement to bounce off of.

They are comedians. Really, it was a joke.

Of course, it doesn't escape Dan that this was a new development, talking about kissing each other so casually. As he smirked and joined in on Phil's joke, Dan felt a little flutter of happiness in his chest. At this point, it had been half a year since they revealed to the world that they were in love and have been for the past sixteen years, but the glee at being able to casually talk about things they have never been able to kept surprising him. Sharing a bed, serving each other coffee lovingly, thoughts on marriage—things they've never been able to discuss and joke about before.

The topic of kissing felt like another creak open in the door, something they never wanted to open fully, but a little bit was fine, fun even. It was natural to joke about kissing. Because that's what it was, a joke.

So why does Dan still think about it on the tube going home? Why does he think about it when Phil absentmindedly presses a kiss to his cheek hours later? Why does he continue to wonder if it's true that they kiss each other "all the time?" How does someone even begin to measure that?

Even after they go their separate ways in the house, Phil heading to their lounge and Dan sitting in the office, he thinks about it.

"All the time," he claimed. It makes more sense to measure by count rather than frequency, doesn't it? If he were to get pedantic, it would probably interrupt the intimacy inherent in a kiss. What, is he going to pull out a stopwatch and click counter when he gives Phil a peck? Okay, he needs to stop thinking about this.

He tries to distract his mind, booting up his game. Only one of his guild members is there, but he appears to be busy grinding for treasure. Dan leaves him to it after the customary greetings, heading to the marketplace. He recalls wanting to look for something rare last time, but he can't remember what it was, wandering around and pausing to try to recall.

Was it a sword? No, a potion maybe? How many times does the potionmaker kiss their partner in a day? He really tries to concentrate, but after the third time he gets kicked due to inactivity, he decides to give up.

Sighing, he picks up his phone and opens Reddit. He checks his usual subreddits first, but nothing interesting is there since his morning scroll.

Then, he clicks on the search bar. His fingers are typing before he realizes what's happening. He has already asked the search bar how many times people kiss their partners usually.

A few results show up. The first one is from the classic r/AskReddit and is titled "How often do you kiss your partner in a day?"

Dan scrolls. Most of the replies say something like, "One to five" and there are several joking about not having a partner. He gets absorbed in them, scrolling story after story from the anonymous people in his phone. Most of them were cute, a lot were funny, and a good amount were self-deprecating.

Time seems to pass but Dan pays it no mind, focused on figuring this out. He knows he gets a bit intense sometimes when he finds something to fixate on, but if it's not harming anyone, what's wrong with that?

When Phil pokes his head in the room to ask about dinner, Dan has a paper in front of him and a bunch of bullet points illegibly scribbled on it.

He yelps as the door opens, Phil giving him a quizzical look as he watches Dan flip the paper over, as if caught hiding something. It says a lot that he doesn't question the behavior, trusting that Dan will tell him eventually.

"…Okay." Phil says, "Food?"

When Dan mentions their favorite Korean place, the weird moment is forgotten. For now.

Research project: count how many times we kiss

Research period: 24 hours

Research goal: prove or disprove the statement "We kiss all the time"

Researcher: dan howell

Parameters:

1. The researcher should not force himself to kiss his partner for the research project. Inversely, the researcher should not stop himself from kissing his partner naturally

A couple of hours later, they're finishing their dinner and Dan sighs dreamily as he swallows the last of his spicy noodles. They're sat on the couch, a random Nintendo soundtrack on the TV setting the scene. It's a common scene in the house.

"God, that was so good," He says, drinking big gulps from his glass of iced Ribena. "The perfect amount of spice and the noodles were not too chewy, just the perfect texture. Life is worth living."

"Your lips are so red!" Phil giggles beside him, half his body taking over the couch, legs stretched out, as he slowly finishes his own meal.

Dan rolls his eyes at him. "Yeah, it was spicy."

Ever the messy eater, Phil has a spot of sauce on his cheek. It catches Dan's attention and he is so delightfully endeared that he can't stop looking away as Phil happily chomps at the last of his chicken.

Happy to just look at his partner, Dan settles on the arm of the couch after putting his bowl away. Phil is wearing a loose shirt, one of many that he insists on keeping despite it almost falling apart every laundry day. His collarbone juts out as he fiddles with his chopsticks and Dan just sits back and sips his drink.

When Phil puts down his own glass and bowl on the coffee table, he turns to Dan, smiling in a way that he knows he has just been watching him the past few minutes.

"Done?"

"Mmm." Phil answers, knowing that Dan would understand.

"You have sauce on your face." Dan points out.

"What?" Phil wipes at his cheek, completely missing it. "Did I get it?"

"Not even a little bit." Dan laughs, scooting closer.

He brings his hand to Phil's face, gently cradling his jaw and swiping it away with his thumb. Their faces are close now and Dan can feel Phil's breath on his skin. Phil blinks his eyes exaggeratedly at him and smiles when Dan lets out a snort. Dan feels his heart beat louder with how much he loves this goofball.

"Are my lips still red?"

"Hmm," Phil places his finger on his chin, squinting at him. "Maybe I need a closer look."

Dan tilts his head up, placing his hands on Phil's bent knees to stabilize himself. "What do you think?"

Phil laughs, bright and airy. "Doctor's opinion, I think I need to perform a physical examination."

"You're a doctor now, are you?"

"Yep! Do I have your consent to do my examination?"

Obviously just a ploy to make out, but Dan is more than happy to play his part.

"Okay, examine away."

Phil leans in, eyes going to Dan's lips, almost crosseyed with how close they are. For a moment, Dan wonders if he misread the situation, but then Phil is pressing their lips together. Dan counts one in his head as he pulls away, then hesitates as he watches Phil's eyelids flutter centimeters away from his face, his pink lips still in a pucker. He shouldn't stop himself, he already decided in the rules.

Dan leans forward, kisses him again, pulls away, then leans in again. Somehow and without discussing it, they collectively decide that this is a turn-based game and the only action you can take in a turn is to kiss. They spend the next few minutes taking turns leaning back while the other leans forward, catching each other's lips.

He counts thirteen before they dissolve into giggles, unable to continue, interrupted by their laughter.

"Perfect health!"

2. A kiss counts as one upon the separation of lips. Therefore, a kiss on any body part that is not the lips can be noted but not added to the main tally.

Once he starts to pay close attention, Dan notices things.

It seems that Phil likes to give him a kiss on his right dimple when he does something for him. Dan probably would not have noticed this if he wasn't doing his research project. He recalls receiving an appreciative peck when he handed Phil his coffee in the morning. He doesn't count it, of course, since it doesn't fall under the strict requirements he set. Still, good to note.

He notices it again in the evening when Phil enters the bathroom as he is brushing his teeth and he wordlessly hands the toothpaste to him. Phil barely reacts, but does give him a peck on the cheek before squeezing some on his toothbrush. As if it's second nature.

He notes it again as they settle in bed and Phil opens up a book while Dan starts his Instagram reel scroll. Dan fluffs up his partner's pillow, patting it for optimal comfort, and Phil smiles and kisses him on the cheek as he leans back on the Dan-made bespoke comfort at his side of the bed. As Phil reads his book, Dan wonders if Phil is even aware of that habit.

"Hey," Dan says.

"Wait, she's about to meet her estranged mother."

Dan chuckles. "Okay, nevermind. It wasn't important."

"Just wait! Give me a minute to get through this chapter."

Dan leaves him be and scrolls through a few reels, none of them really deserving a like. Is the Reel economy going down? Is there going to be an Instagram Reel Recession soon? He keeps scrolling, more out of habit than of any real interest in the content. Maybe he should get back to reading. Before he starts to seriously reconsider his bedtime routine, Phil softly closes his book and turns to him. Dan takes Phil's glasses off for him, reaching over to set both the glasses and the book aside.

When he settles back down, Phil kisses him on the cheek, right at his dimple. "Hey. What were you saying?"

Dan feels a flutter in his chest at the gesture, despite it all. "Just wondering if you knew you did that."

"Did what?"

"Like. Kiss me on my dimple when you're…grateful? Or as thanks?"

"Oh." Phil flushes a little, a thoughtful look on his face. "I do? Really?"

Dan smiles. "Yeah, earlier too when I handed you your toothbrush. And when I fixed your pillow."

"Oh," Phil repeats. "Do you…? Is it weird?"

Dan watches him fiddle with his own fingers on top of the blanket. He seems conscious about it, which Dan needs to fix immediately.

"No!" It's Dan's turn to flush. "Uh. I kind of…like it."

Phil beams at him, delighted at the pure concept of making his partner happy. "Yeah?"

"We don't have to make it a whole…thing. I just wanted to know if you knew. Transparency and all."

Phil shifts and brings his face close to Dan's cheek, not touching. "Okay."

Dan has to really work to look at him, so close to his face that he needs to strain his eyes sideward. Phil looks cozy, hair messy quiff, and smile relaxed.

"You know, that was nice of me to tell you. Feels like it deserves a little thanks."

Phil laughs softly, the sound really close to his ear. He presses his lips to Dan's cheek, his hand moving to his chest. Dan turns and kisses him for real, his phone falling into the sheets somewhere. They are too comfortable and sleepy to really get into it, but Phil presses a last kiss to the side of his head before rolling away and closing his eyes, already on his way to dream world.

Dan thinks he needs to modify some rules, because he counted at least eleven just then.

2. A kiss counts as one upon the separation of lips. Therefore, a kiss on any body part that is not the lips should be noted but not added to the main tally. Kisses on any body part count and contribute to the tally, as long as lips are involved.

3. Both parties need to be aware of the kiss. For example, a kiss while the other is asleep does not contribute towards the tally.

Like usual, Dan wakes up first. He turns to his right, finding Phil in a tangle of his own arms. His left arm is under his head, pressed into the pillow, and his right is somehow twisted in the sheets. Dan doesn't know how long he's been in that position, but he knows from personal experience that Phil would be really annoying about it if he woke up with cramped arms.

Dan starts with his right hand, pulling on the sheets to free his poor arm, Phil letting out a soft sigh as he continues snoozing. Then, Dan tries to reach over the pillow to retrieve his left arm, but Phil groans and moves his head, blindly waving his now free arm and almost smacking Dan in the face.

"Phil, you're hurting your arm," he whispers to a sleeping Phil. "I'm helping you."

As if Phil is really listening, he moves his body so Dan can easily take his arm and set it safely between them. Now, Phil is on his side, his arms safe from cramp risks. Dan sits back and admires his work, mentally patting himself on the back for being a thoughtful partner.

"Erghh…" Phil murmurs nonsensically in his sleep.

"You're good, twat. Just had to protect myself from stinky baby appearance." Dan whispers to him again.

When Phil kicks a foot out, he worries that he maybe woke him up, but his eyes are still closed.

"Mmm...Dan…" Phil mutters, pauses, then lets out a loud snore.

Definitely asleep then. His hair is a blonde mess as he snores softly, his cheek smooshed against the pillow, indents from the folds of the blanket on his arms. His eyebrows are relaxed, face smooth with sleep. He looks peaceful and Dan feels his heart swell as he takes in the sight of Phil, free of worries and stress, floating in a strange dreamspace somewhere.

Unable to do nothing about it, he leans in and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. Phil hums in his sleep, but shows no other sign of consciousness, so he pulls the blankets over his body and gets up to make coffee.

While he waits for the pot to finish brewing, he rethinks the forehead kiss. Surely, that counts.

3. Both parties need to be aware of the kiss. For example, a kiss while the other is asleep does not contribute towards the tally.

They do the Wordle together, just like every morning.

It is another part of their routine that Dan cherishes, a small cozy thing they do together as they begin their day. Phil's coffee is already half-empty in the bedside table. They sit side by side, close enough to feel each other's warmth in the cool morning.

Dan gets the Wordle in three and hooks his chin over Phil's shoulder to watch him. They're not allowed to help each other, so he tries not to cringe as Phil plays "CLEAT" and gets nothing but gray.

"The fuck is this word?" Phil complains.

Dan hums, trying not to give it away. He listens as Phil feels out some words, saying them out loud. A cluster of freckles at Phil's arm grabs Dan's attention, and he takes some time tracing it with his eyes. It kind of looks like a heart, if you tilt your head to the side. Has he really never noticed that before?

He watches as Phil types in "GRAIN" but doesn't press enter. "Is this good?"

Dan mock-gasps. "Phil Lester, are you trying to cheat?"

Phil's shoulder shakes as he huffs, bringing Dan's head along for the ride. "I feel like this is some French borrowed word or something. So…Grain yes or no?"

Dan hides his grin behind Phil's shoulder, nosing at the skin there. Phil smells floral, one of three body washes he has been favoring lately. He likes to choose a few and cycle through them. The flowery smell blends well with Phil's natural scent.

"Daaan, don't ignore me!" Phil complains.

"I'm not going to help you cheat!"

Phil reasons, "It's not cheating cheating…"

It's the exact type of bullshit justification he expects from Phil who hates to lose and loves loopholes. Dan doesn't want to spoil the game, but he is kind of getting impatient.

Phil erases "GRAIN" and types "CRISP," pausing again. "What about this?"

Well, what the hell. He presses a kiss to the back of Phil's shoulder, then another, then another. It's not cheating cheating…

"Ooh, three letters," Phil says because of course he understands immediately.

He gets it (PRIVY) in the next one and Dan swears he would have gotten it by himself anyway and his tally of nine kisses had nothing to do with it. Phil laughs in delight and Dan finds he doesn't really care about fairness as long as Phil is happy.

The next few hours are uneventful. There's a lot of work that needs to be done so he and Phil go through the first pass of edits from their editor. It takes them an hour and a half to get to a place where they're happy with the pace, and then they send off their comments.

"Ugh, finally," Phil says. "That took forever."

Dan stands up and starts tidying the mess of notes and pens, somehow scattered all over the desk. Phil saves their documents and goes to turn off the desktop.

When Dan is happy with the arrangement of the pens, by color of course because he's not a monster, he picks them up to show Phil.

At the exact moment, Phil raises his hand and inadvertently slaps Dan's hand, the pens seemingly falling in the air in slow motion. They clatter on the floor noisily and Phil gasps.

"Shit, sorry!" Phil says, reaching to hold the hand he slapped. "Did I hurt you?"

Dan pulls his hand away, feeling petulant. "No, but I worked hard on those pens!"

"I'll pick them up and fix them," Phil offers, crouching to pick them up.

"No, you always do it wrong!" Dan whines and even to himself, it sounds childish. "Those were arranged nicely!"

Phil gives him an annoyed look, standing up with the pens in his hands. Dan mourns how beautiful they looked all lined up not even a minute ago.

"What do you want me to do, I already said sorry!"

"Whatever. I'll fix them."

Phil pouts at him, matching the energy he receives. "I'm sorry."

Dan grabs the pens from his hand and places them on the desk, dividing them and starting to organize them by color again. He doesn't say anything more.

"Dan, you can't just ignore me!"

He purposefully goes slowly, pausing before putting a red and orange pen next to each other. Phil steps into his space, his front pressing into Dan's right arm, the one not busy with his task.

"Dan."

Nothing.

"Dan…"

Dan gives him a side eye before turning back to the blues. Phil sighs and goes quiet as he finishes his organization. When he finishes lining them all up again, Phil suddenly grabs his hand, the one he slapped earlier. Dan doesn't have enough time to react as Phil brings his hand to his lips and presses a soft kiss to it.

"Sorry," Phil says. "Don't be mad anymore."

Dan feels his ears turn red, despite it all. The fight leaves him instantly, placated by the act. He turns to look at Phil holding his hand, putting on a guilty face with a pout and big sad eyes.

He's a weak, weak man. "…It's fine. I wasn't really, like, angry."

"No?" Phil asks, his face brightening.

"I was just being annoying."

Phil smiles, running his thumb over Dan's hand. "Just wanted to be the stinky baby for once?"

Dan's entire face turns red. "Shut up! Just say sorry and move on!"

Phil kisses the back of his hand again before giving it back to him. "Stinky."

Dan adds both to the count.

Throughout the day, Dan keeps tallying.

Maybe they do kiss all the time, he realizes. Sometimes just as a greeting, sometimes just as something to do, sometimes a way to distract the other. Dan doesn't miss that Phil suddenly wants to sit close to kiss his neck when Dan puts some distance between their characters in Mario Kart. Dan notices he can't stop himself from occasionally wrapping his arm around Phil's waist and pressing a few kisses to the top of his head. Sue him, his boyfriend is cute. What, is he supposed to not be appreciative of that?

They move around each other like usual, entering rooms to drop a phone the other forgot in another room or to provide a snack when Phil deems it too long without feeding him, and Dan pays attention in a way he never has before. With these casual favors they do for each other, a little kiss comes with and sometimes more than a little.

An hour before his decided-upon research period ends, he finds himself sitting in the couch, trying to decide if 59 is a lot of kisses for a 24-hour time period. He almost opens Reddit again when he hears the thud of footsteps coming from upstairs where Phil was snacking.

"What's up?" Dan asks, trying to sound like someone who has not spent the last 23 hours conducting a kiss-centered research project.

Phil plops down beside him, leaning his head on his shoulder. "Got lonely."

Dan laughs, despite the fact that he would have texted Phil to hang out if he didn't appear in the next fifteen minutes. "I saw you probably thirty minutes ago."

His voice takes on a whiny tone. "Still! I missed you."

"We are way too codependent," Dan says, as he turns to wrap his arms around Phil, pulling him closer.

Phil settles, already half on his lap, and smiles at him. Dan traces the smile lines beside his eyes with his finger and Phil shuts his eyes, leaning into the touch. Phil's skin is warm and he gently cups his cheek, feeling the softness in his palm. He strokes back and forth with his thumb, the skin smooth to the touch. He applies the softest of pressures, making sure he is handling him as gentle as he deserves.

"You're so pretty, what the fuck," Dan says, voice too soft for the expletive.

Phil giggles, opening his eyes, and Dan finds himself enraptured by them, not for the first time. The afternoon sunlight streaming through the large windows brings more yellow and green to his irises, a fact Dan considers himself lucky to have learned through the years of spending countless days in the sun with his soulmate.

"No, you," Phil says, leaving no room to argue as he covers Dan's mouth with his own.

They kiss languidly, Phil snaking his hands down to Dan's waist, pushing up his shirt and grabbing the skin there as if settling in. Dan keeps his hand on the side of his face, running up to his hair and down to his jaw, fingers tracing the muscle and bone structure underneath. He loses himself in the feeling of Phil's lips against his, their tongues meeting as they open themselves up for the other. Dan remembers to count, of course. He is stubbornly committed to this idea.

He doesn't even realize he's whispering until Phil pulls away and says, "What's 63?"

"Huh?" Dan's eyes flutter open, eyes zeroing in on Phil's spit-slick lips.

"You said 63, 64 just now." Phil states, voice neutral but curious.

"Oh! No, nothing, just numbers. You know how it is." Dan starts to panic and when he panics, he starts talking. "Just normal things, sometimes I think of numbers for no reason. Or, they're random. Yeah, random numbers in my mind sometimes."

Phil squints at him and Dan knows he won't be able to get away with this any longer. Dan feels himself start sweating, despite the fact that the air conditioning was on. Is there still a way he can get out of this?

"Are you counting how long we were making out?"

Shit. He turns his head away, embarrassment climbing at being found out.

Phil gasps. "Wait, you were? Why?"

"No, not that!" Dan says. "I was counting, but not…not duration. Fuck, you're gonna make fun of me forever."

"What were you counting, then?" Phil says, not even bothering to refute the last statement.

Dan sighs. "I was testing out something we joked about in the podcast."

Phil brings a hand to his jaw and turns his head so their eyes meet. "Which one?"

"The one where…you talked about kissing not in a gay way. And I said we do that all the time…I just wanted to know if we really did! I couldn't stop thinking about it!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Phil says, placing both hands on Dan's shoulders. "You were counting how many times we kissed today? We have kissed sixty-four times today!?"

Dan groans. "Well, kind of. I started counting yesterday, so I could measure over twenty-four hours. Because, science."

"Because science," Phil echoes, thoughtful. "Sixty-four is a lot. That is so much. Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Dan protests. "What, you think I can't count?"

"Maybe! Sixty?"

"Mate, I don't know what to tell you. We have kissed sixty-four times since yesterday 4 PM."

Phil is still half-sitting on his lap at this point and he leans back, an amused look on his face. He doesn't seem bothered by this at all, maybe even tickled by the idea.

"Wait, when do the twenty-four hours end?"

Dan reaches over to the table to tap his phone. "Like, twenty-five minutes from now."

"Hmmm…" Phil brings a finger to his chin, almost a clone of his Here's The Thing segment pose.

Dan knows that face. "What idea are you cooking right now? Can you just let me die of embarrassment and leave it at 64?"

"No, I don't think it's enough."

"Huh?"

Phil quickly presses their lips together. "That's 65, right?"

"Wha—Phiw!" Dan says as Phil cuts him off by kissing him again. "What are you—"

"I think it would be really funny if we reach 100." Phil says, giggling.

Dan is stunned at the suggestion, expecting to be razzed and teased for his silly project, but maybe he underestimated Phil. Phil who has always met Dan where he is, who waited patiently for Dan to be ready to talk about their relationship, who loves his silly ideas and cherishes his silliest facial expression. Phil always meets him right where he's at.

"Oh, what the hell." Dan says, kissing the love of his life for the 67th time that day.

And again and again and again.

He lets Phil hold his face and kiss all over, from his forehead to each brow to each eyelid, down his cheek, back up to his nose, using it as a bridge to the other cheek, before moving down to flutter kisses to his jaw. Dan makes him turn around and take off his shirt so he can trace the freckles and moles on his back with his lips. Phil pulls at his arm, pressing reverent kisses to his bicep, appreciative of his time at the gym.

At one point, Phil makes him sit still as he presses a reverent kiss to each finger, holding eye contact. And in between, their mouths meet, smiles making them messy and just…fun.

Dan fakes him out with a raspberry fart on his chest and they laugh into each other's mouths. Phil does a few butterfly kisses until Dan, laughing, tells him about his requirements for kisses to count. For a few minutes, they meet in the middle and audibly say, "MWAH" as their lips meet.

Dan loses count a few times, so he plays it safe and tallies conservatively, making it very likely that the margin of error grows larger the longer they sit there, kissing each other silly.

When they reach 100, Dan lets him know and they laugh it out, lips pink and swollen from kissing too much. Everything's always so fun when it's the two of them and Dan wonders why he didn't think to get a research partner way sooner.

"Hey," Phil says when they catch their breath, eyes full of mirth. "None of those were gay, by the way. We kiss each other all the time, but not in a gay way."

"You're the most annoying person I know." Dan claims, burying his red face in Phil's neck.

"Love you too, silly."

Research results:

The researcher found that they do kiss each other all the time, validating the statement made at the Hard Launch podcast episode.

Final count: 129 over 24 hours

mwamwamwamwamwamwamwa

"Phil Lester, did you write mwamwa on my fucking—"