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Eddie looks over his shoulder. Checking as he drives. He does it automatically now. Four times a minute, before every turn and after. The turns are easy, normal. The other times he checks. Two cars behind him, one black, one red. Next turn. One car. Blue. Good. Okay, good.
It happens every stop he takes. Every time he talks to someone. Which is, surprisingly often.
He knows it’s wrong. He knows that there is something wrong. Because he feels like shit and every second he watches if there is someone he recognises. It gets worse when Buck is in the car with him. Or Chris. He hides it. He always does. He has to. Buck had issues, because he was the one that was kidnapped. Eddie was just collateral damage. He is fine. He’s fine. Not fine but fine. He’s just vigilant.
Buck watches Eddie. He always does. He can't help it. There’s something about him, always has been but since Theo there is something about him that makes Buck's heart stutter happily. Eddie smiles at Theo like he’s salvation in the world. Like for a second he can let go and laugh.
Last night he caught Eddie laughing, telling Theo all about his dance lessons. They’d just watched a movie where a little kid danced around and Theo wanted to dance. He's watched from the doorway as Eddie danced with Theo. Showing him a couple moves, encouraging him without a hint of shame, or nerves. He was fucking gorgeous like that.
So yeah. Buck watches. He always watches. And Eddie was so loose and free. Until they got into the car. The first months he chalked it up to being nervous. But Eddie had driven them out of New Mexico without hesitation. Then night had come and Eddie had ushered them into a bed because Buck’s body must ache and he had a headache and so they slept until the sun was back up.
Eddie doesn't drive at night. That’s the first thing Buck notices. He doesn't drive at night. And when he drives during the day his fingers are wrapped tightly around the wheel. He's more relaxed when Buck drives. Shoulder low, that furrow gone. Buck chalked it up to his hate for LA traffic.
Then he notices the looks. The quick flick of his eyes to the back mirror. Buck counted it once. In one trip to the groceries Store, which was only ten minutes, Eddie checked the back mirror thirty times. They only took one left.
Everyone had been worried about him. Even now sometimes Hen checks in and asks if he’s still going to his meetings. He does. And he tells Hen that and Hen always says that he can always talk to her.
But no one tells Eddie that. No one says that he can tell them if he doesn't feel okay. The one time Buck asked Eddie waved his hand, saying he was fine.
He doesn't follow Eddie often. They shared their find my friend years ago, and sometimes Buck likes checking up. Just likes to see where Eddie is. See him home and know he can barge into it without shame. He doesn't do that often anymore because of Theo, but there's always a little flutter in his stomach as Eddie drives the familiar road down to his home. Knowing that he's coming over. No doubt eager to listen to Theo chatter or be his new favourite person. Buck isn't even jealous like he expected to be, because Eddie is Buck’s favourite person too and it's fucking adorable the way Theo lights up when Eddie walks through the door. Especially when Chris is there because to Theo Chris is the ultimate cool guy.
He does it now. Because Eddie was coming over ten minutes ago and he wasn't here. His little icon is moving. Has been moving for five minutes and Buck cannot make sense of what he is doing. One second he takes a turn towards Buck’s place and then he takes another that moves him away. It's like he’s zigzagging. The first time he saw it he thought there might be an accident there and Eddie just moved around it. But then he did it again and again. He could have been here five minutes ago but he was still five minutes away now.
Buck calls him, “hey man,” he says cheerily.
“Hey, sorry, I know I'm late. I just left like five minutes ago, I'll be there soon, promise. Tell Theo I’m sorry,” Eddie adds the last part with a pouty voice.
It makes Buck almost forget that Eddie was definitely already driving ten minutes ago. What? “No worries, man, he’s engrossed into the Lego blocks right now.”
“Good, good. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
“See you then, I'll order us some food, yeah?”
“Sounds good,” Eddie says, his voice distracted. “See you soon.”
It takes ten more minutes before Eddie gets there. Buck doesn't mention it because Theo runs up to Eddie at full speed and all tension drains out of him then and there. He catches Theo with ease, hiking him up to his waist, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Buck melts at the sight, their little laughs and the way Eddie grins at Buck.
It’s late at night, when their food is finished, Theo is passed out in his little bed down the hall that he broaches the subject.
“You were pretty late,” he says, “usually you’re here early,” he adds gently.
Eddie shrugs, taking a swig from his beer. “Just left a little late that’s all.”
“Don't do that,” Buck whispers.
“Do what? Leave late, sorry I had to take a shit, Buck,” Eddie drawls.
“Lie.”
Eddie freezes in place. “What are you talking about.”
“We shared our find my friend years ago, man,” he says softly, “you think I didn't check how far you were the first time Theo asked where you were?”
“So?”
“I checked. I saw you were five minutes away, fifteen minutes before you got here, you kept doing weird turns.”
Eddie is quiet, his eyes turned outside. “Had to be sure.”
“Sure about what, man,” Buck asks, earnestly.
“Sure that there was no one behind me. Following me again.”
“What? Someone's been following you?”
“No,” Eddie says firmly, “I checked there is no one following me. Not going to let that happen again.”
Buck's breath hitches. “Oh.” shit. “Eddie-”
“I’m fine,” Eddie says firmly. “Just making sure.”
“Eddie, you took fifteen minutes for a five minute drive.”
“To be sure.”
“Eddie,” Buck turns to him fully, “how long have you been doing that?”
Eddie tenses his jaw, he does not look at Buck. “Since then.”
“Eds, what happened was not your fault.” Eddie's tense jaw tells him he does not agree with that. “You couldn't have known that someone would see me and think they saw their brain dead son. You couldn't even see someone following you.”
“Exactly!” Eddie cries out, “if I’d seen it nothing would have happened. You would have been fine you wouldn't have nearly died. You wouldn't have tried to sacrifice yourself so I could go home to Chris. You have Theo now! I need to make sure that you're safe, that you don't get followed again.”
“You don't drive at night,” Buck breathes out low, understanding, “and you take winding roads so no one follows you home.”
“It’s fine.”
“Eddie-”
“I’m fine.”
Buck hesitates before he pulls Eddie’s beer out of his hands, he grabs Eddie's hands. “We’re safe. You and me. We’re safe. You can relax.”
“But-”
Jesus. Buck shuffles closer. “Eddie, it wasn't your fault.”
“But I should have known. They were following me. If I had known then no one would have been hurt. We could have been safe, you wouldn't have nearly died.”
“Eddie,” Buck grabs his face, pressing their foreheads together, “we’re safe.”
There’s a hitch in his breath, “I didn't keep you safe. You are out there because of me and if you realise how bad this was- if you- you'd realise I wasn't worth it. I didn't keep you safe and now-”
“You did, you did,” Buck whispers, eyes closed. “You saved me Eddie. I would never have gotten out of there without you. You sat by my side as I went through withdrawal. You’ve been here every day you have free and you are here for me and Theo. But none of that means you can't need me, too. We’re here for each other.”
Eddie's fingers grab his chest, “I just- need to know you’re safe. That you’re okay. That you get home. I don't care if I have to drive around.”
“It’s not sustainable, Eddie,” Buck whispers. Eddie’s breath hitches again. “You drive around for longer then it would have taken to come here. When there is no one that’s following you. That wants to get to either of us. But I need you to know, Eddie,” Buck says, grabbing his neck, “you are not at fault. You didn't cause this. You didn't lure them to us. Even if you had done that they would have found a way. None of that was your fault.”
“Feels like it,” Eddie exhales, “you were ready to give up to save me and Chris,” he whispers, like a confession. Buck doesn't remember telling him that. Maybe he mumbled it when he was asleep. He knows he sleep talks. “You can't do that.”
“No,” Buck whispers, “I can't, but I had to try. I didn't have Theo yet. I can't make a promise like that anymore because there's a boy dependent on me.”
“Exactly,” Eddie says firmly.
Buck shakes his head, their foreheads still pressed close together. “Eddie, you can ask for help. There is no reason you cannot. I know that I am a bad example, but you’re allowed to ask for help. You don't have to be strong, you don't have to keep us safe, Eds. You don't have to look for me anymore.”
Eddie's body slumps into him, his breath hitching and his face slips into Buck’s neck. God. Buck holds him close. “You and me,” Buck whispers, “we got each others backs, it’s my turn to hold you up.”
“I’m just so- so scared I will lose you again. That I will wake up and you’re gone. That no one will look with me, that no one will look for you.”
“You don’t have to,” Buck whispers, dragging him close. “I’m right here.”
“I’m so tired, Buck,” Eddie whispers. And Buck almost cried at the exhaustion in his voice. “So tired of waking up and wondering. Of looking over my shoulders every moment.”
“You don't have to anymore,” Buck whispers, “come on, Eds, let's put our stuff away and go to sleep, yeah?”
“I can't sleep,” Eddie whispers, looking up at him with those brown watery eyes. Buck thinks of their last shift, Eddie's head on his shoulder, softly snoring away. Ravi even took a picture because Eddie's fingers had been on the inside of his wrist and Ravi knows things he should not know. Like how much Buck loves Eddie.
“We’ll figure it out, bud,” Buck whispers “my turn to have your back, remember. Just gotta make sure the four year old doesn't drink beer because we forgot to put it away.”
Eddie laughs wetly, he looks so small, eyes slipping back outside almost on instinct. He pulls his eyes back. Buck gathers the beer bottles, drains what's left and puts them in the child safe cupboard.
Buck comes back into the living room to find Eddie still sitting on the couch, arms around his waist. Looking lost. How has Buck not noticed? How has he been thinking that Eddie was fine?
He stands before him, before gently extending his hand. Eddie looks at it and up at him, before taking it.
The only time he’s done this before was with a partner. A lover. Someone he was taking to bed. Likely to make love to. That isn't this. He still gently leads Eddie down the hall. A quick stop checking into the toddler of the house. He’s passed out on his stomach, one foot hanging from his bed free from the blanket. Buck loves him so fucking much.
The bedroom is dark, but Buck pulls Eddie to the left side, turning the light on. “Let me get you some shorts to wear,” he says softly.
“Buck-”
“Just let me,” Buck whispers, looking at him. “Let me help you, please.” Eddie nods, and sits down by the bed, dragging of his shirt. Buck doesn't ogle him. Just pulls his own stuff out and a pair of shorts and shirt for Eddie.
“I gotta-” he ruffles his hair. Eddie laughs quietly, nodding. Buck smiles back, racing through his routine. The gentle detangle and some leave-in conditioner. Just what he needs. He washes his face and does his evening hydrator.
“Your pillows are really soft,” Eddie breathes out quietly when Buck comes inside. He is lying like a corpse. Hands on his stomach, above the blanket, fully straight. Just stiff as a board. God.
“Satin pillowcase, for the curls.”
“Of course they are.”
Buck huffs, grinning a little as he crawls under the covers. Eddie still stays in his dead man’s impression.
Buck doesn't pull him in. He has to come himself, but he curls on his side and Eddie's head turns to him. “We’re both safe,” Buck murmurs softly, he reaches out one hand, touching Eddie's arm. Eddie's face crumples again, and he practically throws himself at him. Buck holds him. Turning off the light. They lie like that, Eddie sniffling quietly.
“I don't want to be scared anymore,” he whispers, “I thought I was done looking for- for enemies everywhere.”
“You can be done, you are done,” Buck whispers. “But Eds-”
“I know,” he whispers, “Frank.” He says grumpily. Buck laughs. “I just– I didn't think it got this bad.”
“I didn't think anything had affected you at all.” Buck whispers back, “but you deserve to be taken care of too, eds. You don't have to be strong anymore. You and me, we’re doing it together. From now on I’m driving, yeah? You can check if that's what you need but I’m driving.”
“Okay,” Eddie exhales. His muscles relax. “Thank you.”
“Always,” Buck whispers into his hair. “I’ve got your back, like you have mine.” He wants to say I love you, but he can't and Eddie doesn't need that now. Tomorrow they are going to have a toddler jumping on the bed, and badgering them for pancakes or something and Eddie will forget anything but him. And Buck will make him call Frank and get the help he clearly needs. Buck squeezes him tightly. Eddie gives a content sigh and shuffles a little to lie down again. Properly. He sinks into the bed. They fall asleep like that. Together.