Chapter Text
Chris: Last time on Total Drama Action... It was every dude and dudette for themselves, as the teams were busted up. But that didn't stop Leshawna from trying to forge a secret alliance with Duncan and Harold.
Harold: There are enough rare tress-killing yellow 1855's in the world to ever make me work with him.
Duncan: You really are such a dork.
Chris: Courtney wowed everybody with her fancy footwork during the first spy challenge. Especially Duncan.
Duncan: [howls]
Chris: The cast made it out of a fake exploding building, but failed to defuse some serious stink bombs, forcing them to de-stink in tomato juice baths. [sighs contently] I love my job. In the end, Courtney and Lindsay got the fabulous reward - a trip to the local stinky cheese factory!
Lindsay: Oh, I hope there's a cracker factory next door. I love cheese with crackers!
Chris: Will Leshawna's alliance with Duncan and Harold hold? Will Duncan win Courtney back? All this on today's episode of... Total. Drama. Action!
[ Theme song ]
Duncan: Hey, Harold. What's that in your pocket?
Harold: Huh? Probably my- aw, burrito? Sick! Quit picking on me!
Duncan: I wasn't picking on you, I was picking you up something for later. A healthy diet is critical for a growing wimp. You making eyes at me, muchacho?
Harold: Aw, come on!
Justin: Cut it out, you guys. We need to start sticking together?
Duncan: Ha! Kinda like Harold's butt cheeks. You know, with the beans and the sticking?
Justin: Dude, there are four girls and only three of us. We're outnumbered. With Courtney back, it won't be long until they figure it out.
Harold: If they haven't already. The girls are pretty sharp. [lick]
cut to the girl's side.
Lindsay: Ugh. You stink.
[spraying]
Courtney: You stink like feet!
Leshawna: [nose plugged] You kidding me? You're both rank!
Beth: [nose plugged] Who knew a tour of a cheese factory could make you smell so bad?
Lindsay: It's like we somehow brought it home with us. Gouda, anyone?
Cut back to the boy's side.
Justin: I'm telling ya, if we don't boot one of them, it'll be one of us next.
Duncan: [spits] I hear ya. Chicks are cutthroat.
Chris: The views of the contestants of Total Drama Action do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this network or parent company. They may, but not necessarily. [chuckles]
Leshawna: Mm-mm! Girl, this gouda is amazing!
Beth: Good thing I had crackers!
Duncan: So what do you wanna do?
Justin: About the girls? We need a plan.
Duncan: Since when did you start thinking so much?
Justin: A near-death experience can change a man, Duncan. Once you've lost everything, there's nothing left to lose. Except...
Harold, Duncan,and Justin: The million dollars...
Chef: [screams like a girl]
Courtney: Let go of me!
Harold: Oh, where are we?
Leshawna: And why is Chef in a nightie?
[heroic music]
Chris and Chef: [scream] Oof!
Chris: I knew that bungee wouldn't hold! That's what happens when production cheaps out! And now my hair's all messed up!
Courtney: Uh, is anyone going to tell us what the heck is going on here?
Chris: When. I. Feel. Like. It. And now... I feel like it. Today's challenges are inspired by the superhero flick.
Leshawna: Today's challenges? Nuh-uh. We just woke up. I haven't even brushed my teeth yet.
Beth: Or had breakfast!
Duncan: I'm going back to bed.
Chris: Evil never sleeps and neither will you. Besides, superheroes don't do the things of mere mortals. They have screaming ladies to rescue.
Harold: Actually, many superheroes are mere mortals. My favorite, the Incredible Owl Man, catches thieves just like mice. But come morning, he puts his pants on one leg at a time. Just like the rest of us.
Chef: Speak for yourself, boy.
Chris: How would you like it if Owl Man scratched your eyes out with his talons? I didn't think so. Now, shut it! There are three things intrinsic to all superhero movies. One, superheroes have superpowers. Two, superheroes save people. And my personal favorite, three, superheroes wear tights. Which means you will all be wearing... [laughs] Teensie tiny tights.
Duncan, Beth,And Harold: [complaining]
Chris: Why are you all in your PJ's? Get dressed and meet me back on set in superhero speed, which means you should already be back here! [chuckles] And make sure to wear something that goes with brightly huge spandex!
Harold: Thanks for that burrito, Duncan. Now I've got breakfast. [confessional] Beans have a lot of protein. And they're a major source of soluble fiber. Plus, they make you fart. [farts] [laughs] I like beans.
Courtney: Maybe you could use that stench as your superpower, Gorgonzola Girl.
Leshawna: I wouldn't talk, Aged Cheddar Chick.
Courtney: [confessional] I have had it with Leshawna! Aged Cheddar Chick? If I were a cheese, I'd be Caciocavallo Podolico, a rare cheese from Italy or Lancashire. Not aged cheddar.
Chris: For your first challenge, each of you will create your own superhero identity.
Harold: All right!
Chris: You'll make your own superhero costumes using nothing but your fertile imaginations and tons of spandex.
[backup beep]
Chris: And some other junk. You'll be judged on originality and styled costume, how rocking your superpower is, and how cool your superhero name is. Top score wins an advantage in the next round. Chef will, of course, play the supervillain, which, let's face it, won't be much of a stretch.
[80's hero sting]
Chris: Meet Pythonicus and his sidekick kitty, Dander Boy. They will sabotage you at every turn.
[cat meows]
Chris: Any questions? No? Perfect. And... action!
Courtney: That one's mine!
Lindsay: I've got it! [confessional] Forget superpowers, Courtney's on a super powertrip. [real time] Aw, ugh! Ow.
[80's hero music]
[scratching]
[multiple transitions]
[electrical current]
[calming music]
Chris: Now wearing a superhero costume of her own design, our first supermodel!
[music stops]
Chris: [sighs] State your name and superpower.
Beth: Lumber Woman?
Chris: You're a superhero. Act like one.
Beth: I am Lumber Woman! And I can talk to plants!
Chris: You're serious? What do you talk about? The best brand of fertilizer? That's worth a whole three points. I guess not so great minds think alike.
Justin: I am Timber Man! Ha ha. And my superpower is...
Chris: Seriously? Wood chips?
Justin: Oh, and I can float. And make fire as long as I've got matches. And I don't get too close to the flame. Ouch.
Chris: Lame! Two points. Next!
Harold: I'm Captain Alberta! And I can swirl up a hot Chinook wind! [chomps] [burps] [farts] That's a spicy burrito.
Chef: [gags and coughs] It burns!
Chris: Impressive. Gross, but impressive. Now that Owen's gone, someone's gotta carry the fiery torch. And extra points for keeping it Canadian. Seven points for Captain Alberta!
Harold: All right!
Chris: Where are your tights?
Duncan: I don't do spandex. I'm the All-Seeing Eye, and I've got psychic powers. I can see into the future.
Harold: Ha, yeah right.
Duncan: Harold is about to experience a painful life lesson.
Harold: Ow!
Chris: Even I saw that coming. Two points.
Courtney: I'm the human cricket!
Chris: [laughs] And what are you gonna do? Chirp us into submission?
Courtney: Actually….
[loud scraping noise]
[cat yowls]
Chris: Gah! O-Okay, okay! Stop it! Ugh! Okay. Okay. That's a pretty effective superpower. Eight points. Finally, we're getting somewhere.
Courtney: Yes!
Chris: Next!
Leshawna: I'm Super Aqua Chick.
Chris: And what's your superpower?
[splash]
Chris: Fair enough. Seven points.
Lindsay: I'm Wonder Woman!
Courtney: Wonder Woman already exists! And she doesn't even look like that!
Chris: Not so fast! I'm liking the costume. What's your superpower?
Lindsay: Duh. I wonder a lot. Oh, and I have an invisible jet right here. Or did I leave it over there?
Chris: You win! I loved Wonder Woman as a kid. Ten points!
Courtney: What?! What about originality? Wonder Woman's already a superhero!
Chris: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this your show? Oh. No. No, it's my show. Which means, I make the rules.
Courtney: Actually, I think my lawyers make the rules.
Chris: Possibly, but I'm still the judge of the contest. And I deem Lindsay the winner, which means she gets an advantage in the next challenge.
Lindsay: Yay!
Courtney: You may have won the first round, but we'll see who comes out on top!
Lindsay: [gasps] Courtney just stepped on my invisible jet!
Chris: Courtney! Minus two points for stepping on Lindsay's jet!
Courtney: [scoffs] But...
Harold: Can I have a ride?
Lindsay: Sure! Who wants a ride in my invisible jet?
Duncan, Harold, Justin, Chef,And Chris: I do!
Chris: Man, I love this gig.
Chris: For your second challenge, we will be testing your super prowess.
Beth: [confessional] I don't think Chris gets that our superpowers are fake. I mean, I can't really talk to plants. Hi, what's your name?
Chris: You'll have to leap over a building in a single bound using this trampoline from the set of the movie, "Trampoline Thunder 2"! Awesome flick. You'll be judged on how far and how high you jump. And please, properly time your landing, as we wouldn't want you to land anywhere other than on this soft, cushy mattress.
[cat yowls]
Chris: Our first and foremost priority at Total Drama Action is your safety and well-being. [laughs] Next, you'll have to save a woman falling from a building. The woman will be played by a sack of potatoes in a dress, which will be a real catch for you guys.
Duncan: [confessional] Like Chris is one to talk. He probably had dinner with that thing last night.
[wine pours]
Chris: And finally, you'll walk across a power line during a meteor shower.
[water rushes]
Chris: The person to finish the course with the best time wins... invincibility! Lindsay, you're up first. Ten seconds will be shaved off your time for winning the first round.
Lindsay: Yay! [laughs]
Courtney: [confessional] Lindsay may have won the first round, but I have the law firm of Fleckman, Cohen, and Strauss behind me. They'll make sure I win the million. Ugh! What is with all these out-of-office messages?
Chris: And... action!
Lindsay: [grunts] This mattress is so nasty!
Chris: Aw, really? I'm sorry.
Lindsay: Ow! Woopsie. Sorry, lady.
Chris: Looks like it's gonna be real mashed potatoes tonight, eh Chef? None of that powdered stuff.
Courtney: Not such a Wonder Woman now, huh?
Chris: You've got issues.
[boing boing]
Lindsay: Ugh! Ah!
Chris: Looks like you didn't make it!
Lindsay: [confessional] What's with those mattresses? [nervously] Oh. Hello.
Chris: Harold, you're up!
Duncan: [laughs] What, what are you gonna do? Use that Chinook wind to get a little more hang time?
Harold: As a matter of fact, that's right! Eat my prairie dust! I call upon the great thermal winds of the mighty Chinook! [laughs] To the rescue!
Chef: [laughs]
Harold: There you go, ma'am! All in a day's work for Captain Alberta!
Chris: Hurry it up, Captain! You're on the clock!
Leshawna: [confessional] I'm not sure if it was the heat or Harold's burrito breeze, but seeing that boy as Captain Alberta made me feel a little light-headed. Whoo!
Chris: Come on, Pythonicus!
Duncan: [grunts]
Chris and Duncan: Ow.
Harold: Yes!
Chris: Never thought I'd say this, but nice work, Captain Alberta. Made good time, too. Thirty-six seconds. Could've uh... done without the change of weather patterns, though.
Harold: Top that, All-Seeing Jerk.
Duncan: You may have forgotten that my real superpower is being able to cream dorks like you.
Harold: Sounds familiar. [confessional] I'm giving Duncan a false sense of security. I'm just waiting for the right moment to strike. Huh-dah!
Chris: Next!
[crack]
[sproing]
[sproing]
[various boings]
[electrical zap]
[sizzle]
Chris: While Captain Alberta did a surprisingly good job, even incorporating his, ahem, superpower, the winner of the second challenge and invincibility is... The Human Cricket! With thirty seconds.
Courtney: Yes!
[loud scraping]
Chris: Don't make me change my mind, Courtney! You guys may be superheroes, but you smell super gross. Time to hit the showers [nose plugged] and decide who's gonna get kicked to the curb.
Harold: I got robbed on that challenge!
Duncan: Whatever. The girls are kicking our butts. Who are we gonna boot?
Justin: The biggest threat - Courtney.
Duncan: Dude, she's got invincibility, which I say leaves... Leshawna.
Harold: There is no way I'm voting off Leshawna. We're supposed to have an alliance with her. Duncan, we should vote you off for treason!
Duncan: Pals before gals, Harold? We're outnumbered. And if you don't do what I say, I'll tell Leshawna you pick your nose in your sleep.
Harold: You have circumstantial evidence at best.
Lindsay: Huh, I wish we could vote off Courtney.
Leshawna: Girl's got game, that's for sure.
Beth: I say we vote off Duncan. He's super strong, and as much as Courtney would hate to admit it, it probably would kill her.
Leshawna: Kill two jerks with one stone. I like it. But there's only three of us, we can't do it on our own.
Beth: Leave it to me.
Leshawna: [sighs] I really hope that girl's not gonna talk to the plants.
Duncan: [whistles] I need your help.
Courtney: And why would I help you?
Duncan: 'Cause you won't have invincibility forever, and I'm thinking it's just a matter of time before the girls give you the heave ho. You've gotta convince Harold to vote off Leshawna. Captain Alberta just won't listen to reason.
Courtney: You mean your fists?
Duncan: That too. Are you in?
Beth(whispering):Psst! Harold! We have to get rid of Duncan!
Harold(whispering):Tell me something I don't know.
Beth(whispering):My boyfriend Brady has two dogs named Steve.
Harold(whispering):Really?
Beth(whispering):There's four of us. Vote for him, and he's gone.
Courtney: Psst! Harold, I need to talk to you.
Harold: Me? [confessional] I knew Courtney would come around. Eventually.
Courtney: You're the only person who can be reasoned with. The girls are gonna pick the guys off one by one, and you're the first to go.
Harold: Why are you telling me this?
Courtney: Seeing you today, I think I could take you with me to the final four. But we have to take down the biggest threat. And I don't mean Duncan. Or Beth. Or Justin. Or Lindsay.
Harold: You don't mean Leshawna?! I won't!
Courtney: You think you can trust her? After everything she's done? It's up to you, Captain Alberta. It's either her or you.
[Gilded Chris theme]
Chris: And now... we vote.
[devices beeping]
Chris: And... the Gilded Chris goes to... Courtney. And... Justin. Beth and Harold. And we're down to the final three. Lindsay.
Lindsay: Oh, yeah!
Chris: And finally...
[Tension filled the room]
LeShawna crossed her fingers and Duncan looked scared shaking a bit..
Chris: LeShawna!
Courtney and Justin: [gasp] Duncan?
Duncan: You guys voted for me?
Harold: That's what you get for being a big jerk to me! I would never betray LeShawna like you and Courtney told me to do!
Duncan: Maybe we couldn't break you two off! but I'll make sure I break your face! [Duncan charged towards Harold]
Harold: [He did karate motions] I guess your all seeing eye shtick didn't forsee your own defeat Mr no brains!
Chef: [Grabbed Duncan and threw him into the Lame-o-sine]
Duncan: I'll get you one day Harold! You'll see!
Harold: [Gulps and LeShawna pats his back]
LeShawna: Thanks for voting him sugar
Harold: I guess I should've seen that coming..
Chris: I guess he should've seen that coming. And you should see what's coming next time on Total. Drama. Action!
[credits]