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“Well y'know, after Robby gets back I might go back home.” Dennis said, taking another quick bite of his sandwich. Brendon turned slowly to look at him, looking shocked as he analyzed Dennis for a minute or two.
“Home? Like home as in Nebraska? With Papa ‘Darry’?” He asked, words coming out slow like he was tasting them on his tongue.
“Yeah, just as soon as Robby gets settled, back into his groove y'know?” He mumbled, Park had probably gotten his meaning in some way. He had heard his ‘tragic backstory’ before, likely clocking his reason behind it as soon as he uttered the words.
“What are you gonna tell everyone? They would know if you go-” he cringed, face curling up like he had bitten into something sour. “Missing, there is no way in hell they wouldn't.” He finished, finding the words as soon as they came to mind.
“I will tell them I got transferred somewhere closer to home, in my small rural town? No Wi-Fi so the MIA thing works out.” He leaned back into his chair, dropping the sandwich into the tray as he put his hands on his neck, cupping the skin like his attending would when he was guiding him.
“I’ll just be another face in a crowd, they won't remember me by the time the truth comes out.” He muttered under his breath, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Dennis was trying to ignore the feeling of Brendon's eyes on him and the guilt he felt for forcing this much knowledge onto him in the first place.
“That's not true and you know it.” Brendon growled, slamming his hands against the table, the loud screech of a chair on tile making Dennis’s head spin with pain. Dennis looked back, looking at the shadows covering his friends face.
“Then what else am I supposed to do Wrathy? Cause it's a lot bleaker from down here I’ll telling you that.” he laughed, bitter and distant. A snarl engraving itself onto his features as he looked at his friends growing anger. Dennis was disgusted, disgusted by his friends concern after everything that had happened between them and acting like he deserved any right to care, and disgust at himself for being the corpse of the good person he once was, desecrating the memories he had of his colleagues, and the people he had saved.
“Enjoy your life here! You ran away for a reason! That reason is why your not going back! You got so much here man!” Park yelled, Pointer finger jabbing into his chest, pressure against his ribs. Dennis only scoffed, crossing his arms.
“For what? Take the place of someone who actually deserves to be here?” he asked, eyebrow raised. “So many people who can help people can have my spot and actually make use of it!” he gestured to the room outside and the distant noise of the ever moving Er.
“I'm trying, I've been trying but i’m-” Dennis stopped when the words couldn't leave his throat, choosing to stay there, he swallowed trying to find the strength to say it. “I'm not good enough, I can't be good enough no matter how hard I try because-” he paused at Brendon's look of sadness, the emotion being so openly spotted on the man didn't quell the anxiety rushing through his bloodstream like poison. “I'm broken.” he mumbled, looking away, his sharp nails coming up to scratch the skin of his arm, trying to see if he was dreaming, trying to see if he was real.
“You lead the Er Cody, you're really good at it too! Your ducks look up to you and so does everyone else!” Park yelled, the noise outside the storage room made him feel comfortable enough to shout, that or he just didn't care who heard as long as he got his point across.
“They shouldn't! They should look up to Robby or Abbot, not me!” Dennis cried, hands running through soft curls in an attempt of soothing himself. “I'm not a good mentor, I'm not a good friend and yeah things have been going good but it will end soon. It's better just to leave before I fuck it up.” He whispered, tears rolling down his face and dripping onto his scrubs.
“Is this really what you want Dennis?” Brendon asked, his voice low and reluctant. Like he didn't want to ask the question but wanted to know the answer. Dennis sighed, deep and heavy, a slight tremor in his voice from a half muffled sob.
“Is it about what I want? Or is it about what I have to do to keep the machine going?” He smiled, the pitt was a man eating machine. It chewed you up and spat you out by taking all that you had, it had certainly took all Dennis did. The others were strong enough to cope with it, roll with the motions but him? Dennis was already born sinful, the Pitt could probably sense it as soon as he got their, making him become the bad omen, the bringer of death.
“It doesn't need your blood either.” Park said, putting his hand on Dennis’s shoulder. “Aren't you terrified of what he will do if you leave to go there?” Dennis tried to hide the flinch he gave at the mention of his father, the reason he had left broken bow in the first place. He turned away, facing the door.
“Of course I am! But I need to.” Dennis explained, not really knowing how to string together the words properly. The silence after the comment was loud, it almost made his ears hurt.
“..okay.” Brendon sounded resigned, like he didn't know what else to do. The relief and pain in Dennis' chest revved like a lawnmower, mixing together like a cocktail. Dennis spun around to stare at him, the man seemed sad, remorseful even. Eyes glassy like he was holding back tears.
“Okay?” he asked, surprised the other man would just accept it with less joy than he had thought he would.
“What do you think I would say Cody? We're at work on lunch break hiding in a storage room and you dropped the bombshell equivalent of a nuke on my house!” Brendon hissed, eyes narrowing as a tear spilled from his eye and flowed down his cheek.
“I thought you would be happier..” Dennis mumbled, looking at the normally stoic man try to hide the shaking of his hands by crossing his arms, but Dennis saw, and now he couldn't unsee it. The image overlapping with Trinity's hurt, her anger.
“For what? You think I'm jumping for joy at the images of what you returning ‘home’ looks like?” The man scoffed, sniffling softly but other than that making no noise.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you.” Dennis apologized tapping the knuckles of his left hand against his arm.
“I'm glad you did.” Park gave him a sad smile. “Even though it sucks I would be less confused than if I heard it from the grapevine. May even have driven down there too late to save you or something.” Brendon explained. Dennis bit his lip, looking away from the other man and instead looking towards the cleaning supplies.