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“So,” Madalena sys, looking around the DEL’s castle. “I love your style. Who’s your interior decorator?”
The DEL, clad in a dark cape and the hood still up, points with a gloved hand. “That’s Steve,” a deep voice says, pointing at the red stain on the stone wall. “And Maggie is responsible for this piece.”
Madalena nods, impressed at the bone chandelier. “I must say, your high supreme evil ness, you’ve got this evil lair thing down to an art.”
The DEL turns to her. “I am so glad you said that, my dear Madalena. It’s rare to find a woman who shares my tastes.” The DEL raises both hands to push the hood back, revealing a man with a pale face, bright blue eyes and shoulder length black hair. He smirks at her meaningfully.
Madalena frowns. “I’m sorry, I know there’s this swell of expectant music as if this is some amazing reveal, but quite frankly, I’ve never met you before.”
The DEL nods. “No, I suppose not. Sorry, it’s tricky to keep track of timelines these days.” He removes his gloves, revealing that the index finger of his right hand ends in a long, sharp nail. “The name’s Baal.”
“Well, I’m sure we’ll certainly have a ball together!” Madalena says, smiling happily. “Right, what are we covering first? Is it how to set things on fire with magic? Because I have a list of people I’d quite like to set on fire.”
Baal nods slowly. “My, my, Madalena, you have an impressively vengeful spirit.” He offers her his arm. “I think we shall get along just fine. But before we set anyone or anything on fire, I’m afraid we need to hit the books first. Or at least, hit a book.”
“Ugh,” Madalena replies, hooking her arm with Baal’s. “But I suppose you are the DEL and the high master of the D’DEW. If you say I have to get the theory first, you probably know best.” She can wait a little while before setting anyone on fire.
Baal smiles. “Oh, the Necronomicon ex Mortis is a very practical guide to the world of evil, Madalena, don’t worry about that.” He takes a gleaming gold gup filled with red liquid from the table, and passes it to her before taking one of his own.
Madalena smiles as she clinks her cup against Baal, but hesitates before bringing it to her lips. “Is this the blood of the people you sacrificed in order to amass more power?” She takes a sip. “It’s rather nice.”
“It’s wine,” Baal replies, taken aback, “the terrain and climate here are excellent for growing grapes, Madalena, I – I’m impressed. You know, once we get the Necronomicon ex Mortis we will sacrifice a few people, why not?“
“Can’t wait!” Madalena says, taking another sip. This D’DEW business was more like it. Galavant, Isabella, Richard and everyone else would rue the day they messed with her. No one would ever make her surrender or do anything she didn’t want to do ever again.
*
“What the hell is going on?” Kelly shouts, clutching the Necronomicon ex Mortis to her chest. “Ash?”
There’s a blue vortex growing around them, and Pablo is clinging to her, arms wrapped around her.
“Don’t worry, we’re just gonna end up in Medieval Times,” Ash replies, looking far too calm as a strong wind blows around them.
“The restaurant?” Pablo squeaks.
“No! Actual medieval times! Knights, castles, damsels… oh, the damsels…” Ash sighs happily.
“This isn’t a time vortex,” Ruby says, staring into the growing vortex, one arm up to shield her eyes from the bright light. “It isn’t right. This vortex is gonna lead us to an alternate dimension.”
Kelly tries to resist the pull from the vortex, the wind blowing her closer. “Okay, well, who opened this vortex?”
Ruby sighs, and Kelly already knows the next word that’s gonna come out of her mouth. “Baal.”
“We’re not gonna go anywhere nice, are we?” Pablo says, locking eyes with Kelly as they’re dragged closer and closer.
“Not nice for us, no,” she replies. Part of her is kinda curious to see what sick, twisted dimension they’re gonna end up in.
It’s not like things can get worse for her, right?
*
Once they’ve been hurtled through the vortex and once Kelly is finished throwing up – still clutching the book tight to her chest – she opens her eyes, and okay, this does not look like the sick and twisted dimension they thought they’d end up.
There’s a blue sky, there’re birds singing in the trees, and the forest around them looks… friendly.
“What the fuck?” Kelly mutters, taking a few stumbling steps down the forest path.
Ruby is on her knees, but from the way she is running her fingers over the forest floor it has less to do with nausea and more with figuring out where or when they are. “Hoof prints,” she says, looking up. “And cart tracks.”
“So, medieval times?” Ash asks, sounding hopeful. “Damsels?”
“Possibly,” Ruby admits begrudgingly. “The tracks are headed that way. C’mon.”
*
They walk for a long time, passing a bar that Kelly thinks is named The Enchanted Forest, which can’t be right, right?
Ash is loudly disappointed that they’re passing by. “But it’s happy hour!” he yells, even as Ruby keeps walking.
“It won’t be happy hour for long if Baal gets his way!” she shouts back.
“If Baal wants the book, why did he bring us somewhere that’s nice?” Pablo asks, while Ruby and Ash keep arguing ahead of them.
“I don’t know,” Kelly says. “I keep expecting Deadites to pop up behind every tree, but everything also feels really safe, you know?”
Pablo nods at that. “Yeah, I haven’t felt this safe since my mom used to tuck me in at night after reading me at a bed-time story. Like nothing could ever hurt me.”
“Exactly,” Kelly replies, glad Pablo is able to put the feeling into words. It’s more than simply feeling safe; it’s feeling like nothing could ever harm anyone or anything here, like nothing truly bad or truly evil could ever happen in a place like this. “It’s weird.”
“Well, I like it,” Pablo says, a little defensive. “I don’t know about you, but I like not having to fight for my life for a change.”
Kelly doesn’t have the heart to tell him not to get used to it.
*
They don’t meet any other travelers, and they come across a fork in the road. The names on the signpost sound like they’re straight out of a fairy tale, but there’s only one sign Kelly is paying attention to.
“Dark Evil Lord’s Castle,” she reads out. “Of course.”
“That’s got to be where Baal is hiding,” Ruby says, already heading in that direction.
“Hey, how about we don’t go there?” Pablo suggests, gesturing at the signs, “how about we just go anywhere else?”
“Like back to that bar we passed,” Ash adds. “I bet the ladies around would love a little sugar.” He grins and waggles his eyebrows.
Kelly exchanges an annoyed look with Ruby. “We have to, don’t we?”
“I don’t like this any more than you,” Ruby replies, sorrow in her eyes. “But we need to end Baal once and for all. It’s the only way.”
“Fine.” Kelly goes down the path leading to the Dark Evil Lord’s Castle. She has only taken a few steps before she can feel the atmosphere change around her. It’s colder. Darker.
Less safe.
Ruby walks by her side, and Kelly doesn’t have to look back to know that Pablo and Ash are following them, albeit it reluctantly and with lots of complaints.
*
“Now that,” Pablo says, sounding impressed, “is an evil castle.”
“I’ll say,” Ash says, scrunching up his eyes as he looks at the gargoyles glaring down at them. “Hey, did that one just blink?”
Ruby only hesitates for a split-second before using the door knocker. “Most likely.”
Dark clouds have been gathering in the sky, even though it should be the early afternoon.
“I hate this,” Kelly mutters, hiding the Necronomicon ex Mortis under her jacket. It’s useless, Baal will know she’s hiding it, but it’s better than just handing it over to him, right?
“I did say we could’ve gone anywhere else,” Pablo grumbles.
“We’d never have escaped Baal,” Kelly replies. Maybe by coming to him, they’ll still have the element of surprise.
Kelly tries to tell herself that that will help when dealing with someone – something – like Baal.
The doors open with an ominous creak, and the four of them walk in. Ash has the chainsaw in front of him, and Kelly is awkwardly holding her shotgun while trying to keep her jacket over the Necronomicon.
Ruby is in the lead, also with her gun out. “Come out, come out, wherever you are…”
But Baal, of course, is waiting in the massive ballroom at the other end of the hallway, watching them as they approach. He looks different, wearing a dark, shimmering robe with golden patterns that make Kelly dizzy when she tries to follow them with her eyes.
She focuses instead on the woman by his side, who is wearing a beautiful gown the colour of blood, her dark hair braided back.
The woman’s eyes are dark and she’s smiling as Ruby and the others enter. She whispers something to Baal, and he nods, which brings an evil smirk to her lips.
Baal steps forward, looking smug as always. “I must thank you for being so kind as to bring the Necronomicon ex Mortis to me.” He spreads his arms. “Saves me the bother of sending for you.”
The doors behind them fall shut, and Kelly feels Pablo grab her arm. They’re trapped in the ballroom with Baal – does that make it a Baal-room? – and whatever crazy witch he’s hooked up with. “We’re not giving you squat,” Kelly replies.
Ash revs the chainsaw, and Kelly thinks that that should not be a reassuring sound. “Come get it, tough guy.”
“Oh, but you are,” Baal says, looking at Kelly. “You will give me the book, or you will face unspeakable horrors.”
“I’ll take my chances,” Kelly replies, chin up, gun pointed at Baal. She’s not going down without a fight.
There are shadows around them, and from the alcoves come faint whispers and susurrations, things moving in the dark, preparing to grab them.
Kelly’s heart is pounding, and she promises herself she’ll get at least one shot in. Shoot first, think never.
“Baal, did you really think I would come to you unprepared?” Ruby asks, and she’s starting to grin. “Did you really think I would just have them bring the book without a plan to defeat you?”
Kelly’s eyes are darting from Ruby to Baal back to Ruby, and she’s not sure about the crazed look in Ruby’s eyes. Ruby hasn’t mentioned a plan on their trip, so either she’s full of shit or she’s gonna do something she wouldn’t want them to know about beforehand.
That can’t be good.
“You need me, Baal,” Ruby continues, “you haven’t got anyone to help you here.”
Baal laughs, moving towards her to stroke her cheek, the nail of his index finger drawing blood. “Oh, my dear Ruby, did you think you were irreplaceable? I have found someone new. Someone better.” He turns, walking back to the woman in the blood-red robe. “Ruby, may I introduce you to someone even more blood-thirsty than you? Meet Madalena.” He takes her hand, kissing it before gesturing at her.
Madalena curtseys. “Good evening, welcome to our evil lair.” She’s grinning, jumping up and down a little in excitement. “Are you gonna kill ‘em now?”
“In a moment, my sweet,” he tells her, smiling fondly. “Lesson one of the D’DEW, always take the time to gloat. It makes victory all the sweeter.”
“The D’what?” Pablo mutters, as confused as Kelly feels.
“Now, Ruby, you may think that you are the only one worthy to bring my spawn into this world, but Madalena here is far more suitable to stand by my side as I bring in a new age.” Baal wraps an arm around Madalena. “A new age, in a wonderful new world, where my spawn with bring terror that these lands have never seen before.”
“Hang on,” Madalena says, stepping away from him. “Wait a minute here.”
“What?” Baal asks, his arm still in the air. He glances at Ruby, then quickly clasps his arms behind his back. “What is it?”
“I have to bring your spawn into the world?” Madalena asks, glaring at him. “I have to stand by your side?”
“Of course,” Baal says, laughing as he shrugs at Ruby. “I didn’t bring any of ‘em with me as I came here, so you’re gonna be pretty busy for a while, but I’m sure you’ll manage.”
Madalena’s glare intensifies, and she inhales sharply. “I am not some broodmare! I came here because I want to be powerful and evil and rule this wretched world and make people bow before me and fear me and wear pretty dresses! If I wanted to get knocked up I would’ve stayed with Gareth!” she yells.
Kelly has no idea who Gareth is, but she can definitely appreciate Madalena’s sentiment.
Well, bits of it.
Definitely not the evil bit.
Maybe a little of the ‘make people bow before me’ bit.
“Madalena, I was only –”
There is a loud slap, Madalena’s bare hand on Baal’s cheek. “I am done with you,” she hisses. She turns and strides away, only to pause next to Ruby. “You said you had a plan to defeat him, I suggest you get to it.”
She opens the doors that fell shut only moments ago, and strides out, muttering under her breath.
“Hands up if you saw that one coming,” Kelly says, and no one raises their hands. “Ruby, what do we do now?”
Ruby is looking stunned herself. “You came here without any spawn?” she asks, laughing in disbelief as she steps closer to Baal. “None?”
He’s still rubbing the cheek Madalena slapped. “Do you have any idea how much energy it took me to get here?”
“So that’s a no, then,” Ruby says. With a smile, she raises her gun and shoots him point-blank.
There’s a splorch as Baal’s head explodes, blood splattering everywhere, and bits of brain and skull land on Kelly’s jacket.
The only thought in Kelly’s mind is where the hell she’s gonna get dry-cleaning in this weird new world they’ve landed in.
*
Ash has found the wine cellar, and has declared that it’s better than Jacksonville, and also that he’s king of the wine cellar. Pablo has joined him, and they’re singing drunkenly.
She’s pretty sure Ash has just proposed a toast to Eli, and Pablo bursts out into tears, so she grabs two bottles, hides them under her jacket and runs back up the stairs.
Madalena is leaning against the wall, a cup of wine in her hand as she’s looking at Ruby. “I do like your hair,” she says. “Even the pink. I thought pink hair could make anyone look sweet, but not you. You look…”
“Bad-ass?” Kelly suggests, holding up the bottles triumphantly.
“Bad-ass,” Madalena repeats, sipping from her cup. “Is that a good thing?”
Kelly grins, passing the bottle to Ruby, who uses one of the broadswords to cut the top off. “Being a bad-ass is an awesome thing.”
Madelena holds out her cup, and Ruby re-fills it. “Then I think I’d like to give that a go instead. Ugh, can you believe Baal only wanted me for my child-bearing hips?” She sighs as she gulps down the entire cup, then holds it out for Ruby for another re-fill. “I thought I had finally found someone who would let me be the evil, all-powerful queen I’ve always wanted to be without making everything about him!”
“Here’s a tip,” Ruby says, filling her own cup with wine as well. “If you wanna be an evil and all-powerful queen, you gotta make that happen yourself. Without a man to slow you down.”
Madalena laughs, wine spilling over the edge of her cup. “Good point! Men do just slow me down.” She smiles at Ruby. “I like you, with your bad-ass hair. Am I saying it right?”
“You are,” Kelly says, and she gets a sinking feeling as Ruby and Madalena continue their talk of being evil and all-powerful. She supposes it was too much to ask that Ruby stopped being evil just because she was helping them out.
Ah well, they’ve defeated Baal, what’s the worst that could happen? She still has the book, safe and sound underneath her jacket.
She pats herself down, frowning as she can’t feel the ridges of the book.
She puts her own cup of wine down on the ground, then pats herself down again. Dammit, she had that damn book just a minute ago when she went into the cellar to grab two bottles of wine.
Which she hid under her jacket.
“Oh no.” She must’ve dropped the book in the wine cellar.
She runs back down the stairs, hoping that Ash and Pablo haven’t found the book yet. “Hey guys,” she yells, “did you –” She stops on the final step, her eyes wide as Pablo and Ash are on their knees with the book open in front of them.
“Hey Kelly!” Pablo says, swaying as he waves at her. “We’re gonna bring back Eli!”
“No, Pablo, you can’t, we’ve just ended this!” Kelly says, rushing forward. “Let him rest in peace!”
“Klaatu barada nik-mfgh! Kelly!” Ash splutters.
Kelly’s panting as she’s lying on top of Ash. He didn’t finish the spell, so they’re fine, right?
Right?