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Mar knows what's coming when he starts to lose control of himself.
Those quick, sharp, inhales.
The squeezing in his chest.
The difficulty to draw breath and no way to make it stop.
His hart skips a beat.
Then, it speeds up.
Once.
Twice.
Faster still.
He squeezes his wrist with his right hand. Putting enough pressure to make it hurt. It's the only way he's able to focus on his own body.
It's not enough.
He moves his hands to his thighs, rubbing back and forth, back and forth, anything to keep himself present.
His breathing speeds up.
He doesn't know what to do with himself.
Mar grabs at his chest, needing to feel it under his palm.
Too fast.
He can't control it. Can't breathe.
His fingers curl into the fabric of his pants, gripping roughly.
Too much.
Everything is too much.
"It's fine. You're fine. Everything is fine."
"Fuck, no, you're not fine."
"No Mar, yes you are, this has happened before, it's nothing new."
His palm digs into his leg.
"Stop."
He tries to take a breath, anything that might help.
A broken sound escapes him instead.
Mar covers his mouth with the zip up he's wearing.
"No."
"Fuck."
"No, no, no."
He squeezes his eyes shut.
"…Please."
He doesn't want to cry. All he wants is for his body to stop.
No one can see him like this. No one can see him like this.
"What if Ace—"
"Ace."
The thought makes his chest tighten even more.
"Get it together."
He can't.
His heart picks up and each breath gets impossibly faster.
His vision clouds as tears start to well in his eyes.
Mar curls into a small ball as he begins to cry.
The sobs rack his body, each tear leaving him more exhausted than the last.
He presses his face into his sleeve, desperately trying to muffle the sound.
He needs to be quiet.
He doesn't want Ace to hear.
No one can hear.
He hates this. Hates himself for this. Hates that he can't make it stop.
He doesn't know how long he stays like that. Seconds, minutes, it doesn't matter. He was too far inside his own swirling mind.
"Mar?"
"No."
No, Ace can't see him like this. He needs to look fine. He is fine.
"Weak."
"Weak."
"Weak."
The thoughts make his head swim faster.
He tries to quiet himself, tries to swallow the sobs before Ace can hear them.
"Mar?"
There is something different in his voice now.
Mar tries to answer.
He can't.
His lips part but all that comes out is another broken gasp.
Silence.
He sees Ace's body fill the doorframe.
"Mar…I'm here."
Mar shakes his head even though Ace probably can't see it.
Ace doesn't come rushing in, doesn't ask for an explanation., and somehow, that makes Mar cry harder.
He chokes on another sob.
Ace takes a careful step closer.
"Are you having a panic attack?"
Mar nods. Barely.
Ace crouches down several feet away, sitting in a crisscross position.
Mar looks up at him through watery eyes.
Ace asks no questions, there's no judgment and no look of confusion on his face.
"I—"
His voice breaks.
"I can't stop. I can't stop."
"You don't have to stop."
"I'm trying. I'm fucking trying."
The pure desperation in his voice makes Ace's expression shift.
"I know Mar."
Mar shakes his head violently.
"I can't breathe."
"You don't have to make yourself breathe normally if your body isn't ready for it."
Mar stares at him.
"Just stay with me," Ace asks gently.
Mar's face crumbles.
"I don't know how."
Ace slowly extends his hand towards him.
"Can I touch you?"
Mar hesitates.
He shakes his head before changing his mind and nodding.
"Yes?" Ace asks for clarification.
Mar nods again.
Ace shuffles closer before reaching out and taking Mar's hand in his.
His best friends fingers immediately lock around his. It's like he's afraid Ace might disappear.
"That's it. I'm here."
Mar's breathing remains ragged.
"I'm here."
Another sob.
"You're not alone."
"Can you look at me Mar?"
He can't.
He's too embarrassed, too scared. He doesn't want Ace to see him. Not when he's crying, when his hands are shaking. Not when he's so obviously falling apart.
"Alright that's okay. But I want you to know I'm right here, I'm staying."
"Staying?"
Ace is still here. Still holding his hand. Still looking at him like he's Mar.
"Why can't I be like everyone else?" Mar asks, the noise catching in his throat.
Ace's expression softens.
"You are Mar."
"No," he chokes out. "No one else I know is like this. I can't even control my own fucking body."
"You don't have to."
"I should."
Ace squeezes his hand, and he waits before saying anything further.
"You don't have to hold yourself together for my sake."
Mar's eyes well with tears again.
"I hate this."
"I know."
"I hate when this happens."
"I know."
"I hate that you have to see it."
Ace's thumb slowly brushes across his knuckles.
"I don't."
Mar looks at him, eyes shining with tears.
"I don't hate seeing you. I hate that you're hurting."
Something inside Mar crumbles. He falls forward before he can stop himself.
Ace catches him immediately.
Mar buries his head onto Ace's shoulder, hands gripping the back of his shirt.
"I've got you."
Mar sobs against him.
"I've got you."
Ace wraps his hands around him and Mar's breathing stutters.
"You don't have to be okay yet."
Mar lets out another shaky breath.
"You don't have to pretend."
He clings tighter.
"Just stay," Mar whispers quietly.
Ace rubs his back slowly.
"You're here."
"You're safe…and I'm not going anywhere."
The panic doesn't disappear. Not immediately.
Mar's hands still tremble. His cheeks remain damp with tears, and his face is buzzing with the tingling sensation he always gets after a panic attack like this.
But Ace stays.
Every broken breath. Every sob. Every moment Mar is convinced he can't take another second.
Eventually though, his body slowly begins to listen.
His breaths stretch farther apart. The buzzing starts to slow down and nullify. His grip on Ace's shirt loosens, but he's still not ready to move.
He's exhausted, humiliated.
Ace presses his cheek to the top of Mar's head and holds him.
The air in the room eventually begins to settle around them.
Mar doesn't move away from Ace. He stays tucked in against his chest.
Ace's hands continue to move around his back. Up, down, up, down.
Mar swallows before speaking softly.
"I'm sorry."
Ace's hand pauses.
"Why would you be sorry?"
"…I— I hate that you had to see me like that."
He turns his face away as his eyes begin to sting.
"I couldn't breathe…I couldn't stop crying."
"You were trying."
Ace reaches up and gently turns Mar's face back to him before reaching up and rubbing the stray tears away.
"I didn't want you to see me," Mar says softly.
"I know," Ace replies, voice also barely a whisper.
"But I'm still here."
"Why," Mar asks.
"Because you're important to me. I need you."
"You do?"
Ace gives him a small smile. "Yeah, probably more than you realize."
Mar's chest aches.
"Can we stay like this for a while?"
"Of course, but how about we move to the bed? That's more comfortable for both of us."
Mar nods before saying, "I don't really think I can stand right now though."
Ace laughs softly. "That's alright, not a problem."
He gently scoops Mar off the floor and carries him to the bed.
"You're clinging to me like a koala," Ace says.
"I need to feel you," Mar replies softly.
They curl up on the bed together. Mar's breath has finally slowed down and Ace continues to rub his back.
"I'm always here alright? Whenever you need me."
"Okay," is all Mar can manage to say before exhaustion takes over.