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Remus tried to keep his ogling to a minimum, but fuck. When Regulus walked into their shared compartment behind Sirius, he just about had a heart attack. Regulus was wearing a skirt. Regulus was wearing a skirt.
For as long as Remus had known him, Regulus Black had never worn a skirt. Would never wear a skirt. Resented skirts. Resented anything that made him feel like a girl. Because he wasn’t a girl. He made that clear when he chopped off all his hair in second year, hexed anyone who still called him “she” in third year, and started taking the affirming puberty potion in fourth year. Regulus was not a girl. But lately, as he grew into himself more, it seemed Regulus had begun to realize that perhaps he could still enjoy pretty things and it wouldn’t make him any less of a boy.
Come fifth year, he let his hair grow long again, flowing in dark loose curls that brushed the top of his broad shoulders. It made Remus’s heart squirm every time Regulus tucked a loose curl behind his ears, showing off the various piercings that decorated them. He slipped into the new look easily, adorning his uniform with platinum chains that matched the many rings and bracelets he liked to wear, complemented by perfectly manicured black nails. The day that Regulus strutted into the Great Hall wearing black eyeliner smudged around his piercing grey eyes, Remus thought he was going to lose his mind right then and there.
Now, as the two brothers slid into the seat across from him, he felt his sanity quickly slipping away. He shyly looked Regulus up and down, swallowing the lump in his throat. Regulus’s white dress shirt laid neatly buttoned over his flat chest, green slytherin tie secured elegantly around the collar. The illusion of tidiness and refinement was brief, however, crudely disrupted by the blunt cut—no doubt from a pair of sheers—that cropped the bottom of the shirt so it fell just above his belly button. Remus’s eyes stuttered over the taught skin of Regulus’s abdomen that peaked through, following the soft trail of hair down to the plaid grey skirt that wrapped snugly around his slight curves. A thick studded belt adorned with chains lay crooked around his hips, its only purpose to accentuate the area, which it did quite successfully if Remus had anything to say about it. As his eyes continued to drift lower, he felt his breath catch in his chest. The flared pleats of his skirt rode up his thighs when he sat down, leaving an expanse of pale slender thighs, hugged tight by sheer lacy stockings that fed into thick knit socks and platform boots. Despite the sheer size of the heel, he knew without even having to stand that he'd still tower over him.
His mind began to drift at the notion, imagining himself easily scooping up Regulus and plopping him on the top ledge of the train seats, spreading his legs and—
“REMUS!”
Remus jumped, the ringing in his ears quickly dissipating.
“Moony, I swear to god if you keep drooling over my baby brother like that—I don’t care if you’re my best friend—I will put you in a muzzle, wolfie,” Sirius deadpanned.
Remus blanched, knowing better than to assume Sirius to be exaggerating his words.
“Reg, I told you not to wear that stupid skirt on the train,” Sirius grumbled.
Regulus glared at him, but the fierce blush creeping across his cheeks gave him away. Sirius quickly scrambled, backpedaling.
“No—I mean—not stupid! It’s not stupid, you look great, Reg. You know I fully support you exploring your, er, gender or whatever, but seriously baby bro,” Sirius swatted at James who had apparently been doing no better than Remus at keeping his cool. “I’m not going to have any friends by the time we get back to school because I will have murdered them all.”
Sirius swept his gaze pointedly across the compartment at each of his friends.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” Peter shrugged, raising his hands defensively. “You know I’m not into that sort of thing. I think it’s a cool outfit, Regulus. Very punk, my sister and her boyfriend are really into that right now.”
“How is Pete the only reasonable one here?” Sirius exclaimed. “Thank you, Petey! For not ogling my baby brother. I still don’t understand the whole not feeling horny for people thing—”
“Sirius!” Regulus hissed, smacking him on the chest.
“—but I respect you now more than ever for it,” he concluded, slouching grumpily in his seat.
Remus focused his gaze resolutely in his lap as Sirius let out an exasperated sigh.
Silence permeated the air in the compartment, awkward to everyone except Sirius who seemed to finally be content—until James turned to Regulus, opening his mouth to speak.
“I don’t think so!” Sirius shouted, jolting out of his seat and wedging himself between the two of them.
Remus tried to suppress a snicker.
“You need to chill the fuck out,” Regulus fumed.
“How did I end up being friends with a bunch of tarts?” Sirius grumbled.
Regulus snorted derisively, “Gee, I fucking wonder.”
“You shut your bitch mouth!”
Remus feigned a yawn as he stretched out his long legs across from him and dropped them into Sirius’s lap, sensing another Black Brother fight coming on. He had a way of calming Sirius without words. Deep talk with Sirius was James’s thing, this was Remus’s. Though, this instance was more out of self preservation than being a good friend. His restraint around Regulus had been thinning slowly over the years. He figured seeing Regulus go feral on his brother in a skirt would undoubtedly be the straw that broke the werewolf’s back.
Regulus smirked and slumped in his seat, making himself more comfortable for the train ride. Remus unconsciously followed the motion with his eyes, instantly regretting it as he watched Regulus let his knees fall open, one resting against the wall and the other pressed to Sirius’s leg. His skirt rode up just enough to give Remus a peak at the black boxer briefs he had on underneath.
He inhaled deeply, trying not to react, and immediately dropped his gaze to the floor. However, this proved to be counterintuitive when he noticed the way Reg’s heels were hovering over the ground. He coughed suddenly, trying to suppress the less than flattering half choke half gasp that rose in his throat.
“Alright there, Rem?” Regulus asked casually.
He nodded as a deep blush crawled up his neck.
“So,” he cleared his throat, searching for a joke he could hide his feelings under. “Still not the year your feet reach the ground, huh bud? Seventh year is gonna be your year, I’m sure of it! I can feel it in my bones.”
Sirius snorted in amusement, while Peter and James snickered along.
“Thanks for the input, Grandpa. What else are those bones telling you? Is it gonna rain?” Regulus shot back.
“As a matter of fact,” Remus attested, holding his arm up to his ear as if he were listening intently. “It is!”
That earned him groans all around, except for Regulus who pursed his lips in a slight smile and glanced up at him with laughing eyes.
“Achy then today?” he asked knowingly.
Remus grimaced and nodded his head.
“Yeah, well, you know how it goes,” he replied, patting his arm crutches.
He flinched at the loud clang his rings made against them, the noise irritating his headache.
“Does anything help?” Regulus’s eyes softened.
Remus quickly swallowed the flutter in his chest.
“Deep pressure, usually. Laying face down on a hard floor feels excellent, but I figured that would be frowned upon here,” he tried to joke.
Regulus laughed despite the shaky delivery and tilted his head in consideration.
“So if I were to, oh I don’t know,” he stood up and bumped his thigh against Remus’s ankle so he’d move his legs. “Sit on your lap? Would that be helpful?”
“Oh, I don’t—I mean in theory—but I,” he sputtered, his brain still trying to catch up to the question.
Before he could make a bigger fool out himself, Regulus plopped down on Remus’s lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and wiggling around until he was comfortable.
“There! How’s that?” Regulus asked innocently.
“Jesus, Regulus!” Sirius groaned, digging his palms into his eyes.
“What?! I’m helping!”
And he was. The pain that had been weighing on him like static buzzing through his heavy limbs dissipated immediately. His eyes fluttered shut in relief and he let out a long breath as his lungs fully opened up for the first time in days. When he opened them again, everyone was staring at him.
“Right then,” James announced, slapping his hands on his knees. “Regulus stays put.”
“Yeah, wow. I hadn’t even realized how pale you were before. You look a lot better.” Peter assessed.
Sirius merely shrugged, but his scowl had softened considerably.
“Alright,” he huffed eventually, unable to hide his smile after seeing Remus brighten back up so quickly. “But you’re on thin fucking ice, Reg!”
“Fine, we can all take turns sitting on Moony if you’re gonna be all butthurt about it. But I get to first, since it was my idea!” Regulus declared, a saccharine smile playing at his lips, clearly enjoying himself.
Which led Remus to his new problem. Now that his pain was more manageable, his body was decidedly leaning into more pleasurable sensations. He cursed his pubescent body that even in illness wouldn’t forget its biological drives, trying to keep his hips as rigid as possible, but still, there was no way Regulus didn’t feel it.
But, other than the occasional unfortunately placed wiggle, Regulus acted like he didn’t even notice. Remus managed to fall naturally into the group’s conversation about their summers and was able to focus enough for some of his blood to return to his brain. But every time he started to relax, Regulus would shift his hips just enough to get Remus flustered all over again.
And so this continued as the train made its trek up to the castle.
After awhile, Remus felt a surge of relief as his body gave him an out to the torture.
“Hey, Reg, my leg’s going numb,” he murmured softly, trying to stretch the hip that was taking the brunt of the weight.
“Oh! Sorry I—”
“No, no, you’re fine! Let me just…”
He placed his hands on Regulus’s hips, intently ignoring the warmth that spread beneath his fingers, and lifted him slightly, placing him gently back down over his thigh.
“There, better,” he sighed contently, relieved of both the numbness and the friction.
Regulus turned pink to his ears.
“Reggie, darling,” Sirius tutted in mock concern. “Are you catching a fever? You look awfully red.”
“Yeah, Regulus, you look just like Sirius did that time I walked in on him sniffing James’s shirt,” Peter nodded thoughtfully.
“I’m gonna kill you, rat! I told you—I was just checking if it was clean! I…I thought it was mine!”
“Oh so you usually leave your dirty clothes on James’s bed?” Peter drawled.
“Well don’t say it like that!”
They continued to argue, James gaping at Sirius with wide eyes then turning to look at Peter on his rebuttal, back and forth following their verbal tennis match.
Remus tuned them out and turned his attention to Regulus, looking down for a moment before forcing himself to hold his gaze, suddenly very aware of how close they were.
“Hey,” he whispered shyly.
“Hey,” Regulus grinned. “How’s the pain?”
Remus shrugged, “Not the worst. A lot better thanks to you.”
“Always happy to help. Anything else bugging you today?”
“Head hurts.”
Regulus frowned, then raised his hands tentatively before weaving them carefully through Remus’s curls.
“Does this help?” Regulus asked earnestly.
He began gently massaging Remus’s head, fingers working the muscles at the base, pulling up on it slightly, thumbs digging into his temples. His headache immediately evaporated as the blood rushed back up to his brain, his thoughts becoming clearer and his head feeling much lighter. He let his eyes fall shut as he melted into the massage, convinced he could easily fall asleep right here if he let himself. It would probably be his first good bout of sleep in days.
“I hope this helps, I was reading up on different massage techniques for chronic pain,” Regulus admitted softly.
Remus’s eyes flew open, his heart stuttering.
“You were?” he breathed.
A shout abruptly brought him out of his haze, the rest of the world around Regulus popping into existence once again.
“Oi, should we get you two a room?” James chirped.
“Alright that’s it! My turn sitting on the Moony,” Sirius declared, standing up and heaving Regulus off by the armpits, then tossing him onto the seat next to James.
Regulus huffed loudly in offense but Sirius just happily plopped himself into Remus’s lap, nuzzling against his neck.
“Mmm yay, Moony time! Moooonyyy, I missed you,” Sirius cooed, throwing his arms around Remus’s neck and kicking his feet up.
Regulus shot daggers at Sirius, surely planning his painful demise, then looked up at Remus with an apologetic smile and glinting eyes that promised the continuation of their conversation.
Well, at least Sirius was heavier than Regulus. He sank into the comfort of the deep pressure and finally let himself drift to sleep.
The first full moon of the new school year landed on the Saturday after their arrival, giving Remus only a few days to get settled in. Peter, James, and Sirius all helped him to unpack his trunk and set up his section of the dormitory so he could rest through a particularly bad migraine.
Remus peaked through his cocoon of blankets at the sound of his bed curtains rustling, the only noise to break through his silencing charm. He blinked through the darkness as he saw a head of dark curls slip through the curtains.
“Pads?” he groaned, his voice coming out gravelly.
“Not quite,” a soft whisper replied.
“Reggie,” Remus grinned warmly, attempting to sit up despite the loud protests shooting through his skull.
“Shh, it’s okay, you don’t gotta get up,” Regulus gently placed a hand on his shoulder, easing him back down as he climbed onto the bed. “Yeah, it’s me. Is that okay?”
“Of course, more than okay,” he murmured happily.
He was always much more transparent when he was in pain, not having the energy to bother with a mask. Sirius always called him a big softy when he was like this.
“How are you feeling?” Regulus asked in a low voice, laying his head on the pillow next to Remus.
“Like shit.”
“That… sounds about right. Kind of a dumb question, huh?”
“Not at all.” Remus smiled as he let his eyes drift back shut.
He could hear Regulus shift next to him before tentatively lowering his hand over Remus’s eyes, slowly stroking over his brow bone. The muscles around his eyes immediately relaxed as Regulus continued to rub his head.
“You’re so good to me,” Remus mumbled.
“You deserve it.”
Chills washed over his body as Regulus caressed his cheek lightly, then pressed a kiss to his forehead, his lips soft and warm.
Remus smiled and rolled on his side—the most movement he had done in hours—and lifted his duvet enough for Regulus to slide in next to him. He looked like an angel in his green checkered pyjama bottoms and grey oversized band tee that he most definitely stole from Sirius. Remus wrapped his arms around him, sighing contentedly as he felt the smaller boy nestle into him, fully engulfed by his limbs.
The muscles around his neck and shoulders that had been painfully locked up all day finally loosened. He felt his lungs begin to expand as he took his first good deep breath of the day. Soon, he was watching his thoughts turn fantastical and dreamlike, the telltale sign that he was drifting off to sleep. He could’ve kissed Regulus for giving him the break from his pain he had been going mad over, but sleep took hold and soon he was slipping into blissful nothingness.
The curtains rustled only once that night when Sirius went to check if Regulus was still in there, but James quietly grabbed him by the hand and pulled him over to his bed, holding the curtain open expectantly. With one more glance and a shrug, Sirius turned around and climbed in.
When he awoke again, the first thing he became aware of was the intense wave of pain that radiated through his entire body, the ache so strong he couldn’t tell where it originated from. Though the room was still pitch black, he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, diving in deep to his severely depleted reserve of energy to focus his mind on nothing but the sensation of his breathing. He felt the familiar pull of heavy nausea deep in his gut and sucked in air like he was starving for it, chanting like a mantra don’t puke, don’t puke, don’t puke. It held for about a minute before he felt his world tilt dizzyingly.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
He bolted out of bed, scrambling towards the bathroom with his hands over his mouth. He hit the cold tiled floor hard as he retched into the toilet. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was going to pay for that later, but at the moment he couldn’t bring himself to care. Tears dampened his face while beads of sweat dripped down his spine, his t-shirt sticking to him uncomfortably, but he hardly paid it any mind as he continued to heave painfully, unable to stop the contraction of his muscles. Footsteps padded towards him and he squeezed his eyes shut. He did not want Regulus to see him like this.
“Regulus,” he coughed, his throat burning as he tried weakly to protest.
“It’s okay, I’m right here.”
Regulus curled up beside him on the bathroom floor, rubbing his back. Remus let out a heavy sigh, his mouth watering in that terrible way that was all too familiar to him at this point. He lurched forward, another wave of nausea wiping away any lingering desire for self preservation. But as cool fingers slid across the nape of his neck, gathering up his overgrown hair, Remus had to concede that perhaps letting Regulus into this part of his life wasn’t the worst thing. Eventually the heaving stopped and with Regulus’s help he managed the strength to crawl back into bed.
The full moon weighed on him, his body curling forward as if he carried it on his shoulders. His arms shook as he leaned heavily on his crutches, his pride the only thing keeping him out of a wheelchair. He was just grateful that James had convinced Sirius not to ditch class. He would throw a fit seeing Remus out of bed and wandering the halls, but he felt so restless stuck in bed. On his better days, a walk to the Great Hall was, well, not easy, but doable. Today he only made it as far as the landing of the first staircase outside his dormitory. He peered up at the daunting climb and turned right around. The pain in his joints was something he could ignore, but the full body migraine that slumped through his limbs like dense lead—not so much.
He dragged himself to a nearby alcove, resting against the ledge as he tried to catch his breath. It was stupid of him to think he could’ve made this trek. He knew he’d be paying for this later, and after all that, the only thing he wanted now was to crawl back into bed. He wrenched his eyes shut, his chest aching as he fought to pull in deep gulps of air.
“Remus?” Caught.
“Shit,” he mumbled, cracking open one eye. “Hey, Reg.”
“Whacha doin’?” Regulus asked, rocking on the balls of his feet.
“Being stupid.”
“Ah, of course. Can I join you?”
Remus smiled, his eyes fluttering open enough to take in Regulus’s glow. His chest ached for a completely different reason now, and his breath seemed something fleeting he might never catch.
“Yeah, you can join me.”
Regulus siddled up beside him, hopping up on the ledge.
“Okay, first order of business to prove my stupidity,” Regulus began, kicking his feet, but his confidence wavered as he considered his next words. “Um, so I kind of worked all summer on this thing, and I wanted to show you earlier but it never seemed like the right time and well…”
Remus raised a brow, curiosity moving to the forefront, obscuring the raging discomfort in his body if only slightly.
“Okay I’m just gonna do it,” Regulus huffed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
His brows furrowed in concentration and the sight was so adorable it took everything in Remus not to break the trance and tease him. Instead, he let his gaze float across Regulus’s features, taking in the contrast of dark hair and pale skin, scattered freckles and pink lips, the bump in his nose and—Remus’s gaze lowered considerably—his furry ears?
He slowly reached his hand out towards the small black cat that now sat beside him, occupying the space Regulus once held. He hesitated, as if afraid to startle the animal, but the cat accepted it eagerly, brushing its face against his fingers. He stroked its head and down its back, watching as the cat arched with the movement, its tail brushing his arm approvingly.
“Reg, is that you?” he asked in disbelief. “You’re so small, you look like a kitten.”
In a blink Regulus was back to his usual self. Remus blushed, drawing his hand away from Regulus’s back.
“I’m not that small,” Regulus frowned. “I’m still bigger than Peter when he transforms, and he keeps up with you just fine.”
“Wait,” Remus’s eyes widened. “Is that why you did this?”
Regulus chewed on his nail before pulling it out of his mouth quickly, smoothing his thumb over the chipped polish. He shrugged.
“I know you and the guys have your group and all, and I’ve just been butting in,” Remus opened his mouth to dispute this, but Regulus plowed on. “It’s just, Sirius told me all about your nights together during the full moon, and how much it’s helped you, and well,” he shrugged, rubbing his arm, “I wanted to be there for you, too.”
Remus blinked rapidly, his mind racing in a million directions. Regulus wrapped his arms protectively around himself and stared at his shoes.
“I’m sorry, this was really stupid, I shouldn’t be trying to intrude.”
“No, no, that’s not it, I think it’s really sweet,” Remus sputtered. “I just… I don’t know, things get really intense and—”
“I’m not as fragile as you guys think,” Regulus scowled.
“No, of course not! I don’t think you’re—” he huffed, fumbling for words. “It’s just different, you know, between those guys and you.”
Regulus’s face hardened but not before Remus could catch the glimpse of gut wrenching hurt that filled his eyes.
“Got it.”
“No, no! Not like that, I swear I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck, I’m messing this up.”
He buried his face in his hands, trying to collect his thoughts. When he pulled them away, Regulus was tugging uncomfortably at his skirt.
“What’s so different between me and the rest of the guys?”
Remus blew out a long breath. “I’m not in love with the rest of the guys.”
Regulus scoffed.
“Well I sure hope not. You know Pete doesn’t swing that way—or any way—and Sirius and James are practically engaged even if they don’t know it yet so,” Regulus trailed off, the words finally catching up to him. “Wait, what?”
Remus waited patiently, even though he was pretty sure he was about to combust.
“Does that mean…?”
“Regulus, please don’t make me say it,” he groaned, shoving his hands in his pockets.
They had been doing this dance around each other for months, and in all that time he still hadn’t been able to muster up the courage to just admit how he felt about him.
“You,” Regulus fiddled with his lip, as if he couldn’t believe the words trying to spill past them. “You love me?”
Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah, yeah I do.”
Regulus blinked, his mouth hanging slightly open before spreading into a wide grin.
“I love you too,” he whispered. “But… but I still don’t understand why you don’t want me there when you transform.”
Remus’s heart fell. The truth was, he did want Regulus there. More than anything. He had thought about it many times before. His friends were amazing and he wouldn’t have survived what he had without them, but in the moments after where he lay naked, cold, and in so much pain, all he wanted was for them to leave him alone.
“When I wake up, after a transformation,” he began quietly, “it’s not a pretty sight. I’m covered in dirt and blood and bruises and gashes and… and I’m naked. It’s humiliating.”
He held his breath, waiting for Regulus’s response. For a long time he didn’t say anything, just leaned his head against Remus’s shoulder, and somehow that was enough.
“Well,” Regulus spoke up, dispelling the silence between them. “You don’t have to decide now, and it doesn’t have to be this full moon. I’ll be here. I want to support you however I can. But Remus,” he caught his gaze, silvery eyes as vibrant as the moon. “I have never once thought less of you for the things you go through, and that’s not going to change, no matter how bad it gets. So just think about it, okay?”
Remus drew in a deep breath, already feeling in his body that he was going to concede, and that terrified him.
“Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll think about it.”
*
*
*
Remus woke pressed against the dilapidated hardwood of the Shrieking Shack, a warm blanket draped over him. His body ached deeply but he didn’t feel any new wounds. Silver linings. He blinked his eyes open slowly, grimacing against the morning light that sent daggers stabbing into his temples. When his vision cleared, he saw Regulus laying beside him, sunshine scattered across his face, a soft smile painting his lips in vibrant hues of yellow and orange.
“Regulus,” he croaked, his throat parched.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m right here.”