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Dear Fergus,
10 - You have terrible grammar (Fat lot private education did)
9 - You're needy ( Clingier than a fucking koala)
8 - You can't handle any social interaction (the fact you became an MP astounds me , your public speaking skills make me want to be swallowed by the ground)
7 - You're a posh twat (Genuinely, it's astonishing you aren't a Tory)
6 - Your taste in music is abysmal (every song is either lesbian or a depressed teenage girl’s cry for help. Why? Lighten up a bit, for Christ's sake)
5 - It's stupidly easy to wind you up (Everyone in DoSAC sucks, but I'm surprised you haven't exploded due to the sheer amount of anger you exude every day)
4 - You have no life skills ( Seriously, you're a terrible cook and suck at housework. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know how to use a dishwasher)
3 - You get jealous easily ( Please, there is no need to be suspicious of every single person I talk to. Just because I swing both ways doesn't mean I fuck everyone I meet)
2 - You're fucking repressed (The internalised homophobia goes deep. It's the 21st century, and we're in London. Nobody should care, and if they do that's their problem, not yours)
1 - I love you, you absolute twat. More than anything in the world.
Love, Adam