Work Text:
I’ve found that one of the most interesting things about recovering from coma induced amnesia is the fact that every small thing I learn about myself feels like a major discovery. I find that I prefer the chicken flavored ramen over the beef flavor? Cool! I have a collection of t-shirts with science puns on them? Good to know I’ve got a sense of humor! I stumble upon vague memories of going to sci-fi conventions as a teenager? Wow I must’ve been a nerdy loser!
Anyway, now that me and Rocky are on our way back to Erid, I’ve pretty much regained a lot of the major memories. There are still definitely gaps, especially as I think back to my childhood, but I’ve got most of the important stuff at least. Now, anytime I end up remembering something, there’s a good chance it’s probably some smaller detail about my life from before the Hail Mary project. Still! It’s always nice to learn new things about myself. Maybe one of these days I’ll start feeling like a whole person again!
It’s also during this time that Rocky and I really got into the nitty gritty of learning about each other’s species. We tried our best to cover as much as possible with the time we had (not like we were stripped for time, considering the trip to Erid would take roughly 3-4 years). Regardless, we covered everything from biology, to cultural and societal norms, to entertainment and by golly was it a blast! When you ignore the fact that I’m currently stuck on a spaceship travelling towards an alien planet with the very real possibility of starvation hanging over my head, I’m having a great time! Getting to learn about an alien species from one of said aliens is basically a dream come true for an astro-molecular biologist such as myself, and it helps that Rocky is just as eager to both teach me and learn about humanity too!
It’s during one of these knowledge exchanges where Rocky asks me a question that catches me off guard.
“What human mating rituals like, question?”
Now, admittedly, this is a subject that is both obviously something an alien species would be curious about, and also a topic I’ve done my absolute darndest to avoid. During our biology discussions, we explained what reproduction looks like for our respective species (where I focused on being as objective and scientific as possible), but other than that we haven’t really talked about mating to any degree other than when Rocky first brought up Adrian. Not that I’m complaining. Even explaining sex in completely scientific terms had made me feel vaguely uncomfortable in a way I can’t really articulate. It just sort of feels like I’m trying to explain something that I’m not fully qualified for (despite the fact I have a literal DOCTORATE in biology). So yeah, I tried to stay away from that subject as much as possible from then on.
“Grace okay, question?”
I realize I must’ve zoned out (again) and try to expertly come up with a response.
“Uhh… well… what do you want to know? I know I’ve already explained how sex works so…” Nailed it Grace, gold star for you.
Rocky seemed to think for a moment.
“How do humans choose mates? Also how do humans attract potential mates?”
Ah. So this is something I DEFINITELY do not feel qualified to explain. Should I go based on what I remember other people told me? Popular media maybe? Or just general societal expectations? I guess Rocky could tell I was struggling to come up with an answer, cause he tried to give me something to work off of.
“Grace mention past mate. What did Grace like about, question?”
Oh right. Linda. I’ll be honest I had completely forgotten I had brought her up to Rocky. It’s funny. Y’know how I said about even remembering small things will feel like big wins? Well, you would think that remembering something like, say, an ex, would feel like an even bigger deal, however that turned out to not be the case for me. When I had randomly remembered her one day not long after Rocky first showed up, I had felt absolutely nothing. Complete and utter indifference. As time went on, and I regained more and more memories of our time together, the main feeling that stuck with me was mild annoyance at how much of a hoarder she was and how much crap she kept in our apartment. That’s not to say I didn’t have positive memories of her as well. I remember going on study dates to the library, and binging movies on the couch until 4 am while eating chinese takeout. But mostly, I just remember feeling smothered and that I was forcing myself to play the role of “boyfriend.” Memories of being told to “quit focusing on work so much” “let’s spend some time together” and of course “get your head out of the clouds.” My least favorite has got to be the first and only time I had ever tried to have sex, and boy, do I still feel bad about it. I had tried I really did, but all I remember was one second she was on top of me attempting to take my pants off, and the next I was rushing to the bathroom, where I proceeded to vomit into the toilet and then have a panic attack. Definitely a mood killer for sure. I’m pretty sure she took the whole incident as an over the top way of calling her ugly. She ended up leaving a month or so later, not that I can blame her. Looking back, I definitely wasn’t the best boyfriend, and the breakup had felt like a weight off my shoulders more than anything else. But hey! Last I heard she was happy with Mark, so at least things worked out for her in the end. As for me, well, if nothing else I’ve got Rocky. Speaking of which, he’s still waiting patiently for an answer to his question.
“Well,” I start. “Typically humans look for a wide variety of traits when looking for a mate. Things like physical appearance, intelligence, sense of humor, and a bunch of other characteristics. Honestly it differs from person to person, everyone has different preferences. As for courting, well, humans call it dating, and it basically consists of two humans doing some sort of activity together in an attempt to get to know one another and see if they’d want to pursue being mates.” I really hoped that was a good enough answer.
“Interesting. Grace do this with past mate question?”
I sighed, gotta love the guy's incessant curiosity if nothing else.
“Um yeah I guess. We definitely went on a few dates,” I say, thinking back to both the fun dates filled with interesting conversation, and the amount of times she bugged me for not planning dates nearly enough to her liking.
“Rocky I… I don’t think I’m the right person to explain this to you,” I confess.
“Why not question?”
“I’m not- I don’t think I’ve ever actually experienced what I was supposed to experience with Linda.”
“How so? Grace love Linda question?”
I falter at that. I had loved Linda, just not in the way I was supposed to. We had been great friends before she asked me out. Best study buddy I ever had. I had agreed to go out with her mostly because I figured a romantic relationship wouldn’t look too different from the friendship we already had, and because I really didn’t want a rejection to ruin said friendship. The worst part was that that happened anyway when we broke up. I remember that while I may not have mourned the relationship, I had definitely missed the friendship I lost in the process. So yes, I had loved, but I had never been in love with her, or anybody, for that matter.
“Yes, but not the right way,” I responded to Rocky’s question. Rocky then tilted his carapace in a movement I’ve come to realize is confusion. I attempt to clarify.
“I loved her like a friend, not like a mate.”
“This bad question?”
“On earth, yeah. Finding a mate is supposed to be your main goal in life, and if you don’t people tend to judge you for it. Friends are supposed to come second to romance” I think back to what Stratt had said before sentencing me to space: You don’t even have a dog. I had never sought out a romantic relationship on my own, and got forced onto a supposed suicide mission because of it. It’s not fair. I had loved my life on earth. I had loved my job, and my students, and friendly dinners with Marissa. But I had all that taken away from me just because I didn’t want to have a partner. It’s at this moment I recognize there are tears on my face. Gosh forbid I not cry at every given moment it seems.
“Grace want mate question?”
“No,” I sniffle, while wiping tears from my eyes. “I never did. I just didn’t want to lose Linda’s friendship and couldn’t see any other way around it than agreeing to date. I just wish people hadn’t looked down on me like some sad pathetic creature for not wanting a mate.”
“Earth stupid, statement. Eridian value mate and friendship equal. No one over other. Some Eridian never mate and it normal. Still have friends and strong social bonds.”
“Really?” I say, genuinely surprised. The idea of a culture equally valuing both romantic and platonic relationships sounded, frankly, freaking amazing. The idea of not having to worry about being sidelined when a friend gets into a relationship sounded amazing.
“Yes. Example. Rocky love Adrian mate but also love friend Grace same amount. Different love, same important. Grace… love Rocky, question?
I’m fully sobbing now, except now it’s tears of joy and emotional overwhelm. I can’t even begin to properly convey how much I love Rocky, so I just lunge over and hug his xenonite ball with full force.
“Grace love rocky, statement!”