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Leo heard the door open, and immediately wished he wouldn’t have told them to come in. He had already been yelled at by April, Donnie, and basically dad as well, he didn’t need another round. Or for Mikey to join in, which would be worse.
“Leo, are you okay?” Oh.
This was definitely the worst person to come in here right now. Leo wanted to sob and apologize, but also felt embarrassed to do so.
He was facing away from the door, curled up on his bed the farthest he could get from it. “Yeah.” But you aren’t. There was silence.
Please walk away, please walk away, please—
“I could… stay, if you really need me too.” No! Double no!
“No, it’s okay, you can go.” Raph could be surprisingly light on his feet, so the heavy way he walked was definitely purposeful, so Leo wouldn’t be surprised by the weight on the other side of his bed.
Leo still refused to look.
“Leo, really.” Raph’s voice was soft. “If you want me to, I’ll stay.”
And that’s just the thing, wasn’t it? Leo didn't need Raph to stay, he just wanted him too. Raph didn’t want or need to stay with him, and Leo had made him feel guilty over it.
Bad brother, bad, bad, bad, BAD—
“Please, talk to me, Leo.” The slider just shrugged. “I want you to be happy, Leo, I don’t want to be away if you need me.”
Raph put his arm around him, gently sliding near the slider. Leo finally looked up at him. “Don’t go, please.” He whispered. “Don’t leave me.”
And Raph nodded. “Raph won’t.”
It didn’t reassure Leo, though, as Raph’s face… he looked crestfallen. Disappointed and heartbroken.
“Let him spread his wings, Blue.” Dad’s words from inside the main room cut through the other voices in his head. “He needs freedom as well.”
No.
“No.”
Leo pulled away from his brother’s embrace. “No?”
“No! It’s…you…you need—ugh!” Leo took a deep, shaky breath. “I want you here.” Raph nodded. “But I don’t need you, not like you need the space. Freedom.”
Leo’s words—shouts—from earlier swirled in his head.
“You don’t see how we need you here!”
“You can’t just leave after everything we’ve been through!”
“So, what, you’re going to abandon us? For a cheap thrill with a team you like better?”
“You’re so selfish.”
Leo was the selfish one. Raph needed his own life as well. He needed independence and time away as a freshly-turned-eighteen year old. It was two months away on a mission with friends of his, and then he’d be back.
He’d be with Piebald, too, and Leo trusted her to get him out of trouble if they did find any. Though Raph was competent. Raph was capable of being on his own.
Was Leo, though?
“I want you here, Raph-a-doodle, I do, but you can’t stay right now. You need space. Away from us.” It hurt to say, but the spark of hope in Raph’s eyes was worth it, as crushing as it felt. “You can’t just dedicate your life solely to your siblings, there are other things too.” He was crying now, had been for quite a bit, he realized. Raph had started crying too.
“Raph don’t want to hurt you, Leo. Raph don’t want you to feel alone.”
“I’m not alone.” Leo buried his head into Raph’s shoulder. “We never are.” They waited like that for a few seconds before Raph spoke up.
“You know our mind link will have to get shut off, right? You can’t contact me by mind melding or track my location.”
“What about Donnie?”
“All trackers will be disabled whether or not he does it—it’s protocol.”
“Oh. So there will be no way to reach you?”
The snapper shook his head “None.” They were silent for a few more seconds before Raph spoke again. “Raph’ll give you some tips on how to hold down the fort—modified of course… accounting for your height.”
“Oh, frick you.” Leo chuckled through tears.
“The most important thing, though, is…” He trailed off, turning away for a second. “Raph don’t want to abandon you, Leo.” Raph met his blue brother’s eyes.
“You aren’t.”
“Raph ain’t selfish, Leo.” Raph said again, this time there was bitterness and desperation in the words.
“I know, and I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I gave up… so much, Leo.”
“I… I know.”
“Do you, though?” And Leo… Leo didn’t. “You give up so much too, and beat yourself up over it, so the most important thing is…” He put his hand on Leo’s chest and smiled at him. “Be kind to yourself, since I won’t be here to be kind to you.”
And Leo nodded, the words “I will” at the tip of his tongue, but…
“I’ll try.”
“That’s good enough, Leo. Raph’ll miss you.” Leo didn’t say anything back, buried in Raph’s chest and arms, but he’d miss Raph too.
But Raph wasn’t his to hide away from the world. He wasn’t theirs to use as a personal coat rack and climbing gym forever.
He would come back, though, and he would feel better.