Work Text:
The Academy required all students to take a technical elective course in their second year. Jaehyun told Doyoung that he had chosen the knitting course and, as a joke, "I will knit something special for you to wear."
That had been three months ago. As Doyoung walked back to his dorm on this cold and windy night, he remembered the way Jaehyun had said it, and he decided that it was indeed a joke - a joke that had been at his expense. Since Jaehyun had started that knitting class he had been working on it so diligently (or so he said) that he had no time to see or talk to Doyoung. He now suspected that Jaehyun had grown tired of his company and was using the knitting course as an excuse for them not to see each other anymore.
The dorm officer was waiting at the front desk when Doyoung arrived. Doyoung had meant to walk past him, but he was called back.
"Doyoung! I never received your curfew waiver application for Christmas Eve."
The officer had a smug smile on his face. Ever since first year he had disliked Doyoung, and he was only saying this to embarrass him. It should have been obvious that he was staying in for Christmas Eve.
"I've decided not to go out. I have to write a letter to my parents."
He turned his back and walked quickly, but he could feel the gaze of the officer follow him all the way up the stairs. When at last he had locked himself in his room, he was free to wrap himself up in his misery.
He was both saddened and humiliated by the fact that he had no date for Christmas Eve. No Jaehyun! Were they even dating still? Had Jaehyun slipped through his fingers without him noticing?
Although what he said had been true - he had originally intended to write to his parents - he didn't get much further than taking out his pens. He crawled to the window and lifted it open with both hands. The sudden blast of cold air was like a slap in the face.
He could see the windows of the dorm block across the courtyard. Some of them had lights on, but most of them were off, since most students would be out, taking advantage of the Academy's offer of a free night on Christmas Eve. Doyoung wondered if Jaehyun had gone out too. With someone else? The thought made him sick.
He closed the window again and fell down on the mattress. He tried not to think of Jaehyun, but what else was there for him to think of?
One year ago he had first met Jaehyun and taken to him as a mentor. He had been impressed by Jaehyun's quiet intelligence, how he was mature beyond his years. Even though he was younger, Doyoung started to see him as an equal. And they were similar in many ways - both studious and bright, ambitious and diligent. For Doyoung it was like looking into a mirror (and seeing a reflection that was much more handsome).
In the spring of that year they had started dating. A second year student dating a first year student was something of a tradition at the Academy; a rite of passage for students. The relationships weren't meant to last for long, but it was a way for the first year student to be initiated into the student body, and for the second year student to gain some status. To Doyoung, the tradition had made little sense in his first year (and no older students had approached him anyway) but after meeting Jaehyun he saw some value in it. The value was not in gaining status however, but in gaining a companion that he could always look forward to meeting.
That spring, when they had walked through the Academy gardens and held hands on the bridge, Doyoung had wondered if he was actually in love. They had looked over the edge into the stream where the golden carp swam beneath and Doyoung felt his own heart flip back and forth like a fish on dry land. He never said anything to Jaehyun, because he was afraid of being too forward. And now he was grateful he hadn't - it protected his dignity from this inevitable rejection.
He pressed his face into the pillow and groaned. At what point had Jaehyun stopped liking him? They had been seeing each other almost every day, having late night conversations and going on walks together on the weekends. But then Jaehyun had stopped coming over at night. He had to cancel their meetings because he had more important things to do; first studying, then knitting. Doyoung racked his mind, but he couldn't bring it back to anything he had done.
Doyoung was interrupted by a knock at the door. Embarrassed to be seen sulking like this, he jumped up and wiped his face with a tissue. Taeil, an older student, poked his head through the door.
"I was collecting my mail downstairs and I saw you had a parcel, so I brought it up for you."
"Ah. Thanks."
Doyoung glanced at the label on the parcel and recognised Jaehyun's handwriting. He hoped that Taeil wouldn't stay to nose into its contents, but fortunately he had other things to do so he didn't stay for long.
As soon as he was alone, Doyoung unwrapped the parcel. Sitting on top was a piece of card with a single line written on it:
"The gift I made for you with my hands."
It was the sweater that Jaehyun had been knitting. Doyoung held it up to see it in full and he stared at it with a heavy feeling in his gut. The sweater was ugly, clearly knitted by an amateur, and the colours were mismatched and strange. His embarrassment returned to him. He could never wear something like this. Had Jaehyun only sent it to make fun of him? He dropped the sweater on the floor in a heap, and returned to his bed. Curling himself into a ball, he fell asleep.
Doyoung's sleep was shallow and disturbed. He woke an hour later, feeling hot and bothered and surprised that he was still wearing all of his clothes. He had been dreaming about standing at the top of the stairs at the grand hall, and Jaehyun running up the stairs to meet him. He put his arms out but Jaehyun never seemed to get any closer.
He started to take off his clothes. Even though it was cold outside Doyoung found it hard to sleep with so many things on. He looked for the big t-shirt he usually wore to bed, but before he found it he picked up the sweater again. He rubbed his face into it. It smelled a little bit like Jaehyun. He pulled it over his head.
The wool was scratchy against his naked skin, but the scent of Jaehyun and the memory of Jaehyun's hands seemed to fulfil his lonely aching. This might be as close as Jaehyun would ever come to touching him intimately.
He returned to bed and fell asleep, this time soundly.
* * *
"Is Doyoung in tonight?"
The student officer looked up at Jaehyun with lazy eyes, his face resting against his fist.
"He said he was busy."
"Oh. Okay. Thank you."
Jaehyun left the dorm building and waited on the pavement in the cold. He rubbed his gloves together, but the cold was unshakable. He knew he should probably go back to his own room, but he couldn't bear the thought of letting Christmas Eve go past without seeing Doyoung. He had hoped that his gift would have said everything he wanted to say, but after sending it Jaehyun became paranoid that Doyoung would not understand what it really meant.
He'd bought the first ball of wool from an old lady with a cart in the mall. She had told him that it was enchanted and it would bring good fortune to the wearer, and Jaehyun had paid double price for it, even though he knew it was probably rubbish. But he had to make his sweater special somehow - to prove himself to Doyoung. Unfortunately it took a while for him to get the hang of knitting, a few of his early attempts became unravelled and he had to start again. He knitted other pieces for his class, and kept the sweater as a side project. The more he worked on it, the more desperate he became. He could sense that he and Doyoung were already drifting apart, so whatever he did, he had to do it quick.
He ran out of wool before the sweater was finished. When he returned to the mall the old lady and the cart were gone, so he had to buy ordinary wool, and the colours did not exactly match. By this stage he had become determined to finish the project by Christmas.
When he packed the sweater in the parcel, he considered writing a letter to go with it - a long love confession, but he couldn't bring himself to find the words. He hoped that the gift would be enough. Panicking at the last minute, he added a note: the gift I made for you with my hands.
Now he worried that Doyoung would be offended by receiving such a crappy present. If only Doyoung had seen how hard I had worked on it, then he would understand how much I love him!
The student officer was going home. He walked past Jaehyun, then paused and turned around.
"You're still here?" he asked.
Jaehyun didn't reply.
"Aren't you getting a bit old for him? You're a second year student now, right? You should have broken up with him already."
Jaehyun watched him walk off. He had thought that too. It was normal for second year students to date first year students, but to go any further than that was weird. Part of the reason he had been frightened to meet Doyoung lately was that he was expecting Doyoung to confirm this in words.
Jaehyun waited a little longer until another student came to the dorm, and he followed them inside. It was almost midnight and if Doyoung wasn't busy, then he would probably be asleep. Either way, Jaehyun was desperate to see him. He walked up the stairs, the familiar path to Doyoung's room.
When he gently pushed open the door he couldn't believe his luck. Doyoung was curled up on his bed, asleep, and wearing the sweater. Jaehyun felt his own cheeks become hot. The sweater looked a bit silly, but the sight as a whole was so charming.
He came over to pull the covers higher on Doyoung and noticed that he was wearing nothing else beneath. That was slightly embarrassing, but also pleasing to him. A part of him wanted to shake Doyoung awake to talk to him and explain everything, but he knew he couldn't bring himself to wake him when he was sleeping so soundly. He would speak to him in the morning. With that comforting thought, he made a small space at Doyoung's side, and climbed into the bed beside him.
* * *
Doyoung and Jaehyun had once lain down beside each other on the lawns behind the library. They had watched the sky turn from orange to grey, and then when it was dark, Jaehyun had rolled over and kissed his ear. Doyoung had quickly scrambled to his feet and complained that he had to get back to the dorm before the officer scolded him for breaking curfew. Since that incident Jaehyun had never tried to kiss him again, and Doyoung often wondered if he had acted too hastily.
On Christmas morning Doyoung was dreaming about Jaehyun kissing him, so when he woke up with Jaehyun's arms around him, it didn't feel so weird. When at last Doyoung had woken up completely, he wondered if the sweater had somehow conjured Jaehyun from air. He smiled, feeling both bewildered and impressed, and watched as Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes.
Their eyes mirrored each other's contentment, so there was no need for words.
At last Jaehyun brushed his hand against the hem of the sweater. "I thought you would be too embarrassed to wear it."
With Doyoung's permission, he slipped his hand beneath the sweater and touched the bare skin of Doyoung's chest. Doyoung's heart was flipping like the carp in the garden pond as Jaehyun kissed him. He thought about how embarrassed he would be if he did wear the sweater to classes that day, if someone passed by their room, or if the officer came in and saw them now, half naked and kissing.
He thought about it a lot, but then he realised he wouldn't be embarrassed at all.