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Behind Blue Eyes.
(I don’t own these characters. I’m just playing with them for a little while as they’re my favourites and writing about them is getting me through breast cancer treatment. Please don’t sue me!)
In memory of Sam. For Laura x
~~~~~
It had been a long night and Alan Grant yawned as he ploughed through the papers in front of him that needed grading. He was taking the opportunity of having an untold number of ‘unoccupied’ hours to catch up on work while his wife was in one of the rooms adjacent to where he was sitting, supporting her daughter as she gave birth. Ellie had told him when she got the call that Amy was in labour and on her way to the hospital, that he could stay home if he wanted to. Amy had wanted her mom to be her birthing partner and Ellie didn’t know how long it would be until the little one made its way into the world, and babies - particularly first babies - could take a while to arrive. There had been no doubt in his mind that he was going to that hospital with her however. He wanted to be there for Ellie - and Amy - if he was needed, no matter how long things took. He’d picked up the pile of unmarked papers that sat on his desk and tucked them into his satchel and had then taken his wife’s hand and tucked that into his own. He’d given it a gentle squeeze before bringing her knuckles to his lips for a tender kiss.
“I’m comin’ with you.” He had told her just the same as he had before they had kissed on the airstrip after the hell that was Biosyn. The first kiss of what had now been many and of what he hoped would be many, many more. “I’ve got plenty of grading I can do. Besides…you might need me.”
“I’ll always need you honey.” She’d answered with a smile. She’d cupped his cheek with her palm and used her thumb to trace circles on the lined skin of the man who she loved so very much.
“Good.” He’d replied, kissing the top of her head before leading her out to their car.
It had now been going on nine hours since that exchange and there had been no sign of baby Degler yet. Ellie had periodically popped out of Amys hospital room to keep him updated, to ask him to do a coffee or snack run or to just to be wrapped in the embrace of the man that she loved, but he could tell that she was exhausted and was struggling with seeing Amy in pain. He wished that there was more that he could do to help, particularly knowing how scared Amy had been about bringing her child into the world as a single parent after its father had decided quite late on in the pregnancy that fatherhood wasn’t for him after all.
Alan rubbed his hands over his face and settled back into his seat, resting his head against the wall as he decided that it wouldn’t hurt to close his eyes until he was next needed. His head was swimming from all of the grading that he had done. A few minutes of shut eye wouldn’t hurt. He had almost drifted off when he heard a familiar voice saying his name and the creak of a chair being sat on. He opened his tired eyes to see Amy’s dad and Ellie’s ex husband Mark Degler sat opposite him.
“How’s it going?” Mark asked the older man, looking around the waiting room for Ellie.
“I called you eight and a half hours ago and there’s no baby yet. Pretty slowly I’d say.” Alan replied with a yawn.
Mark nodded.
“When Ellie was in labour with Charlie it took over twelve hours.” Mark pointed out.
“Then we’re definitely going to need more coffee.” Alan said, looking at the well put together younger man sat in front of him and feeling more than a little ancient. “Took you a while to get here…” Alan started, shifting uncomfortably in his chair after what had already been a long period of sitting.
“It was the middle of the night when you called.” Mark replied defensively, unable to bring his eyes to meet Alan’s striking blue ones.
“You answered, but you still didn’t come until now…”
Mark looked at the floor. “I have a big meeting today. I needed to prepare.”
“You could have done that here?” Alan offered.
Mark shook his head. “At a hospital? I don’t think so.”
“She’s your kid, having one of her own. She’s scared.”
“She has her mother.”
“That’s not the point!” Alan argued, feeling more than a little bit frustrated with the man sat in front of him who seemed to have an answer for everything.
“So. Has everything been okay?” Mark asked.
Alan nodded and sighed.
“Well then.” Mark shrugged nonchalantly which irritated Alan even further. The older man closed his eyes, once again settling back against the wall. He didn’t want to argue. He didn’t want to give Mark the satisfaction of him losing his temper when something so important was happening for their family. “I guess you’ve been sat here for the last nine hours. Alan Grant, ever the perfect husband and stepfather…” he then commented.
Alan bristled. “I’m nowhere close to perfect. I’ve never said that I am. But yeah, I have been here because they needed someone. I wasn’t going to leave them on their own.” He argued, raising his voice unintentionally as his anger built.
“Ellie would have been fine. You know how tough she is.”
“I know how tough she sometimes pretends she is. There’s a difference between the two. She didn’t need to do this alone and I didn’t want her to, so here I am and here I’ve been, for all of them in that room.”
“That’s my daughter in there.” Mark told Alan stiffly. “Not yours.”
“Then do better.” Alan replied loudly. He noticed the other people in the waiting room watching the pair of them intently and raised his hands in resignation. “Sorry.” He mumbled to the people around him, hating being the centre of attention at the best of times but hating being the centre of attention because Ellie’s ex was feeling confrontational even more. He closed his eyes again, hoping to sit in peace until Ellie needed him, or until the baby was born, but he could feel Marks gaze burning him.
He sighed and looked up at the man sat opposite and noticed that Mark was now looking at the wedding band that he proudly wore on his ring finger. It was a simple gold ring that meant more to him than anyone could ever know. He twisted the ring where it sat, a smile forming on his lips as he remembered his wedding day and his beautiful bride…a day that before Biosyn he had never dared to dream would happen, especially with a woman as intelligent, passionate and beautiful as Ellie. It had been the happiest and most emotional day of his life, where he finally got to marry his soulmate after years of pining for her like a lovesick teenager when they had been apart. It was a day that should have happened over thirty years ago. Oh what he’d tell his younger self now if he had the chance. He would never have let her get away in the first place.
“It was always going to be you.” Mark then told Alan quietly, resting his forearms on his knees. He sighed as the fight visibly went out of him. For a little while at least.
“I’m sorry?”
“Who she ended up with. It was always going to be you.”
Alan shook his head. “I don’t know about that…”
“I do. I always did. We had some good times. We had the kids, but there were always three of us in our marriage even if you didn’t know it.”
Alan blushed.
“There was only ever one man for Ellie Sattler and it was never going to be me. That’s all I’m saying. She tried. She did. But you have always been ‘it’ for her. I couldn’t come close to meaning to her what you always have.”
“It almost wasn’t going to be me either…” Alan responded, thinking back to the many years that he and Ellie had spent apart even after her marriage to Mark had come to its natural conclusion because she thought he was happy living the life of a single, work driven palaeontologist rather than wanting to hear from her, while he was too much of a coward to contact the woman he still loved due to hardly being able to bear knowing that she was living her life alongside another man who wasn’t him.
“Of course it was.” Mark scoffed, crossing his arms. “You were always going to find your way back to each other. When the kids told me that you’d proposed and Ellie had said yes I wasn’t the least bit surprised. I was happy for you both.”
“Oh, really?” Alan asked curiously. This was an unusual statement coming from Mark.
“Really. You being together…married finally…meant nobody else could get hurt by either of you when they got caught up in whatever it is that you’ve had since you first met.”
“Are you finished?” Alan answered, now incredulous. “All you’ve done since you got here is be confrontational with me and disrespectful to my wife.”
“She was my wife first!” Mark responded angrily.
“Yeah well she shouldn’t have been!” Alan shouted, despite trying his hardest to stay calm. “But that’s water under the bridge now. That was my mistake.”
“And haven’t I paid for it.” Mark replied sarcastically.
“You have two amazing kids with her. One of whom is just behind that door bringing your Grandchild into the world. So maybe you should stop shouting, calm down and wait.” Alan snapped. He was too tired for this.
The pair were interrupted by the sound of a throat being cleared not far away from them. Ellie stood there with her arms crossed, her hair sticking out haphazardly in every direction, and her usually calm blue eyes full of emotion and glaring at Mark. Alan thought that she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and…she was his.
“I thought you’d like you to know you have a granddaughter.” She told Mark sharply. “I could tell that you were finally here when I heard you shouting at Alan.”
She walked over to her husband and buried her face in the soft wool of his jumper. She yawned and Alan rubbed her back tenderly.
“It’s a girl?” He whispered with a smile into Ellie’s hair. “You thought it was.”
“Oh Alan she’s beautiful.” Ellie told him, standing up on her tiptoes for a kiss and then taking his hand in her own. “Amy would like you both to meet her…If you can control your mouth.” She snapped at Mark.
“El, I’m not completely innocent here…” Alan admitted as he gave her hand a squeeze.
“We’ll talk about it later.” She told him, not unkindly and led him and Mark over to the door of Amy’s room. “Let me just check she’s ready for you.” Ellie told the two men, letting go of Alan’s hand and entering the room. She shut the door behind her and Alan could hear the two women talking softly and the shrill sound of a newborn crying. A few minutes later Ellie opened the door a crack and peeped through it, holding out her hand to Alan who immediately took it much to the chagrin of Mark, and let her pull him gently into the room.
“Would you look at that. My baby girl with her own baby girl.” Mark said softly as he walked through the door, making his way over to Amy and giving her a kiss on the top of the hair so much like her mother’s. “Congratulations sweetheart.” He told his daughter, stroking the baby’s soft cheek with one of his fingers.
“Thanks Dad. Alan, you wanna see? She won’t bite.” Amy told him with a smile as he held back a little way from the bed - Ellie standing with her head resting on his shoulder and a hand still entwined with his.
“You mean she doesn’t bite yet.” He teased, smiling a warm smile at his stepdaughter. He let Ellie lead him closer and couldn’t help but grin as the little girl opened her teary newborn eyes just a little at the sound of his voice. “She’s very much a Sattler.” He commented, marvelling at just how small her tiny fingers were and just how much of Ellie he could see in her tiny features.
“I can see some Degler in there too.” Mark told them snippily, becoming distracted as his phone beeped in his pocket.
Alan watched as Mark pulled out the phone and read a message on the screen, his heart thumping in his chest in frustration when Mark turned away from his daughter and Grandaughter and started walking towards the hospital rooms door without even acknowledging his leaving.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Alan challenged, letting go of Ellie’s hand and walking over to the younger man.
“I already told you. I have an important meeting…”
“So important that you can’t even stay a few minutes to see your first Grandchild or even say goodbye? Amy’s just had a baby. You should be celebrating that…”
“I’m sorry. I know. But I really have to go.” Mark turned to his daughter. To his credit he did actually look sad, Alan thought.
“Alan it’s fine.” Amy told him and he could hear the sadness in her voice.
He turned to Ellie who looked heartbroken for her daughter at her father’s lack of consideration.
“No. It’s not.” He responded, hurting on behalf of the women in his life. “She’s your daughter Mark. This is a huge thing. A wonderful thing. You’ve been here less than half an hour…”
“And I’ll make it up to them. I will. I’m sorry sweetheart. I’ll stop by and see you both soon. I promise.”
Mark pushed Alan out of his way and left the room quickly. Ellies face went red with rage as she hurried over to her husband who had knocked over a trolley of medical equipment by stumbling into it.
“Oh my God. Honey, are you okay?” She asked him.
“I’m fine.” He reassured her, immediately crouching down to help the medical staff pick up the items that were now littering the floor.
“He’s not going to be…” she told her husband and daughter angrily. She grabbed hold of the door handle.
“El. Darlin’…” Alan stood up and placed a steadying hand on each of her arms. He rubbed his palms up and down them gently as he tried to soothe her mood.
Ellie shook her head. “He doesn’t get to hurt her feelings, physically hurt you and then just walk away.” She told Alan before angrily storming out of the room. A few seconds later she quickly popped her head back through the door “I love you all.” She then told them with a warm smile before leaving the three of them and the hospital staff who had been pretending not to watch the drama behind.
“She’s gonna rip him a new one.” One of the nurses said to Alan, nudging him on the arm good naturedly as she walked past him.
He smiled proudly. “That she is.” He replied, walking over to the bed and sitting on the edge beside Amy and her little girl. “You okay?” He asked her, finding her free hand and giving it a squeeze.
“You’d think I’d be used to it.” Amy replied with a sigh, holding her daughter close and stroking her cheek.
Alan looked at the little girl and once again smiled as he thought of how perfect she was.
“She’s beautiful kiddo. You did so good.”
Amy smiled.
“I couldn’t have done it without mom. She was a powerhouse.”
“Isn’t she always?” Alan replied fondly.
“Dad didn’t like that about her.” Amy admitted sadly. “He always wanted her to be less than she was.”
“Yeah, well no offence but your dad’s a bit of a jackass.”
Amy nodded. “That he is.” She agreed, looking at the hospital rooms door as if she was still willing her father to come back.
“Do you have a name?” Alan asked, trying to take his stepdaughters mind off her dad’s failings.
“I wanted to name her for mom but she’s not an Ellen. I’d like Ellie to be her nickname though so I was thinking Elodie. Elodie Rose Degler.”
Alan nodded. “That’s a beautiful name. Does your mom know yet?”
Amy shook her head. “I was going to tell you all together but Dad sort of ruined it.”
“It’ll be all the more special when you do tell her then.” Alan replied, unable to take his eyes off the baby. Even after all these years he still couldn’t help but wonder what a child would have looked like that was part of him and part of Ellie. Would he have been a good father to a child of his own?
“So. You wanna hold your granddaughter?” Amy asked him, noticing how intensely he was looking at the little girl cradled in her arms.
“It doesn’t feel real. That I’m a Grandparent. I’m just your stepfather. I’m not blood…”
Amy shrugged.
“Blood doesn’t make a family Alan. Do you know, you made mom and I cry earlier?”
Alan’s heart leapt into his throat. He couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting them, particularly on a day when Amy had been so vulnerable.
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to.” He told the young woman sadly.
“Not in a bad way. Not for a bad reason. We heard you talking to Dad. Telling him to be better, sticking up for mom…it meant a lot. To both of us…and to her…” Amy told him as she looked at her daughter. “Knowing she has you in her corner…that mom and I do too and Charlie…you’re a wonderful stepdad Alan. You’re going to be a wonderful…”
“Grandpa…” he offered.
Amy nodded. “Grandpa.” She repeated. “So are you gonna hold her or what?” She asked him with a smile.
Alan wriggled uncomfortably. “You know, to this day I’ve never held a baby.” He admitted with a blush. “I’m scared I might break her.”
“You handle delicate fossils all the time. You can definitely handle a baby. I’d never held a baby until today either...” Amy admitted.
“Really?” Alan asked, surprised.
Amy shrugged. “It’s not that bad…” she told him, gently placing Elodie into his arms. “Just support her head…” she instructed. “There you go.”
“Well hi there.” Alan said quietly to the little bundle in his arms, his heart filling with love for the little girl that looked so much like his wife. “It’s Grandpa. Yes it is. Hi there little Ellie…Hi…”
The little girl screwed up her face as if she was going to cry. Alan wanted nothing more in the world than to make everything okay for her. He carefully got up from where he was sitting and rocked her gently in his arms. “Oh no don’t do that. Grandpas got you.” He told her softly, smiling as the baby settled.
“You’re good with her.” Amy told him tiredly, settling back against her pillows.
“I’m sure it’s a fluke.” He quipped, humming a soft tune as he cradled the newborn in his arms. He ran his thumb over her tiny hand, grinning as she took hold of it in her little fist and squeezed it tight. “Have you got hold of Grandpa?” He said to the baby softly. “That’s some grip. Hey Amy…” he called out quietly. When he turned he noticed that the new mom had fallen asleep.
For a moment he contemplated putting the baby back in the crib beside her mother’s bed so that she could get some rest too, but he found himself unable to put her down. Instead he walked over to the rooms large window, making mundane observations about life carrying on outside as the little girl drifted off in his strong arms.
“You know this isn’t so bad.” He remarked to nobody in particular as he brought his lips to the soft skin of her forehead and planted a tender kiss there. “Not bad at all.” He whispered with a smile.
“You wait until you have to change a diaper. You won’t be saying that then.”
Alan turned to see that Ellie had re-entered the room. He could see that she’d been crying and his heart dropped into his stomach. She walked over to his side and rested her head once again against his shoulder as they both looked at the tiny and perfect human being that he held protectively against his chest. She smiled at him warmly and stroked her Grandaughters soft cheek with her finger.
“Any luck?” He asked her, already knowing deep down what the answer would be.
Ellie shook her head. “I’m not sure he cares enough to stay. Not really. I tried, but…”
“I’m sorry El.” Alan told her and he meant it.
“I just feel so bad for Amy, and for her.” She told him as she looked at the baby. “To have someone who can’t even miss a little bit of work to be here for them…”
“It’s his loss. Not theirs.” Alan reassured her.
She nodded.
“You wanna hold her?” He offered, tenderly tucking the hat that the baby was wearing back over her tiny ears when it had come loose.
Ellie shook her head.
“I like watching you with her.” She admitted, putting an arm around his waist. “Holding a baby suits you. Being Grandpa suits you too.”
“I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that title El.” He admitted sadly.
Ellie put a hand on the small of his back and led him over to a couple of chairs on which they sat.
“How can you even think that?” She asked him surprised.
He found himself unable to meet her gaze. “Marks Amy’s dad. I’m not. He’s this one’s actual Grandpa whether he makes the effort or whether he doesn’t. I’m not anything. Not really. I’m…”
“Around a damn sight more than he is.”
Ellie finished and he could see a tear roll down her cheek because of his words. “Alan, you’re my husband. You’re the man that I love. That I love more than anything in the world. You sat out there today and defended a young woman and her child who aren’t biologically related to you, to a man who seems unable to undertake any kind of parental care anymore. You are more than deserving of the title of Grandpa. Look at her. Look at how safe she feels with you.”
Alan leaned over and kissed his wife tenderly on the lips. “I’m so sorry we didn’t get to do this El…” he told her as he marvelled at Elodie’s button nose and rosebud lips.
Ellie cupped his cheek with her palm.
“So am I. But you have to stop thinking about the things that we missed out on. Look at what we have now…”
“But I was such a coward…” He said sadly, with more than a little anger colouring his voice.
“And yet here we are. Together, married…and you’re holding a baby. Who woulda thought?” She teased.
He smiled his bearded but dimpled smile. It still made her go weak at the knees.
“I was just so scared by the idea of this. Back then. It all seems so silly now.”
“I know. It’s okay.” Ellie soothed, smiling as he automatically started rocking the little girl when she started to grumble. “She’s probably hungry.” Ellie commented, putting a knuckle in front of Elodie’s lips which the little girl tried to suckle on.
“I’d say so.” Alan replied with a chuckle, handing the little girl over to Ellie, his heart melting as he watched her coo over the infant. “I love you so much Ellie. I just wanted you to know that. I love you, the kids, baby Ellie here, our home…You have made this old man so happy.”
“Baby Ellie?” Ellie gasped and Alan winced, feeling guilty that he’d ruined the surprise.
“Elodie. Ellie for short. After you mom.” Came a sleepy voice from behind them. Amy held her arms out for her daughter who was now crying for milk. She smiled at Alan, letting him know that he was forgiven.
Ellie walked over to her daughter and handed her the little girl who immediately rooted around for milk and was quickly obliged by her mother.
“She really was hungry.” Alan murmured into a tearful Ellie’s hair as he took her into his arms and held her tightly. “Definitely a Sattler.” He teased, earning an elbow in the ribs from his yawning wife. “I think I’m gonna get mom home for some sleep.” Alan told Amy as Ellie wobbled a little on tired legs.
The young woman nodded, smiling as her mother walked over and kissed both her and the baby on the top of their heads.
“I so want to stay but I think thats probably a good idea.” Ellie admitted, stroking her namesakes cheek with her fingertip.
“We’ll be back in a few hours okay kiddo?” Alan told the young woman, following Ellie’s example and kissing the new mother and her daughter on the top of their heads. “And if you like, you and Elodie can come and stay with us while you settle into motherhood. For as long as you need.” He told his stepdaughter. “We have the crib and everything at home ready anyway.”
He looked at his wife who tearfully and gratefully nodded.
“I’d like that.” Amy told him.
“So would we sweetheart.” Ellie replied sincerely. “We’ll leave you to rest for a while okay?”
Amy nodded, watching as Alan automatically held out his hand to seek for Ellie’s which she then quickly took in her own. The pair walked over to the door.
“Alan?” Amy called out from her hospital bed.
He turned around to look at the young woman, his wife’s gaze following his.
“Mmm?”
“We love you too.” Amy told him honestly, smiling at him warmly.
“We certainly do.” Ellie agreed, grinning at her husband as he blushed a deep red. “So very much.” She added as she stood on her tiptoes, threaded her fingers through his hair and kissed him hard, hoping with all of her being that he never had to doubt that for the rest of their days.
The End.