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John still wasn't sure of why this was all happening, in any logical standards, it never should have. He struggled with anxiety and depression, just like his boyfriend knew from the very first date. But something in the way he was acting was killing Laurens, and that something was Alex giving a sarcastic response of, "Thanks for telling me about how you don't trust me." He didn't expect that kind of response from him opening up.
He'd had an anxiety attack the night beforehand, and although he went to Alex last time, something in his mind whispered, "Don't bother him, he'll just think you're trying to stress him out more and leave." So he didn't, he went to Lafayette, his closest friend and roommate to Alexander. After a day of on and off panicking, something that'd brought out every single doubt he had about himself, he'd finally been calmed by the Frenchman. He'd apologized many times and would apologize more for taking his time. But the first thing he did after snapping out of his anxiety was text Alexander.
He'd told Laf that he couldn't tell Alexander the night before, but John knew he deserved to know. He was so close to John that he should have known right away, John was a bit confused on how his own anxiety worked. But Alexander's response had sent him right back into the void of it. He'd fallen on the stairs while trying to think about what to say, he'd made such a huge mistake. He texted him with so many apologies, so many explanations he tried to give of how it wasn't him, it was the demons inside. But he didn't even look at them.
John stumbled to the bed, trying to understand what was going on. His chest was pounding and the sun was going down. But the thoughts in his head weren't stopping with the light, no, they were growing with every second of silence that they needed to fill. "Made another mistake, such an idiot for talking too much. He hates you, and you hurt him so much with just your words. How could anyone love someone like you, you can't say the right things to save your relationship." John's head was filled with those voices, they sounded like his, but they weren't the same. Some had the volume of Herc, some had the spacing of Laf's speaking, some carried the tones of Jefferson. It felt like every single friend and person in his life was telling him this, all at the same time.
The insults, the hateful words, which John realized probably held the truth, continued in his head. He needed to escape, he needed something, anything to stop this growing feeling of tightness in his chest and shoulders. He turned on the music on his phone as quickly as he could. He didn't know how long he was lying on the bed, just trying to breathe and get his body to go back to normal. But Laf had texted him a little(had he texted Laf in his anxiousness?) and there was even a text from Alexander.
"Sorry." John read to himself and his chest clenched as he read it with his name on the contact. It shouldn't have hurt him to see it, but he didn't think Alex should be the one apologizing. He was the one who made the mistake of not telling Alex. He couldn't stop apologizing to him, but he couldn't tell Alex as they were still talking, settling it out and getting back to normal. John couldn't tell Alex that he was in the middle of another attack that had been caused by him. He clenched his fingers in and out in between typing to Alex, he wanted to grip onto something, anything. The voices only whispered in his thoughts now, they weren't as obvious as before, he wasn't shaking. But they were still there with the tightness in his chest, they were still choking him.
John felt numb now, the voices were still there and holding him back. But now he didn't seem to care as much, the tightness kept to his shoulders as he felt his heart beating against his chest. He just sat there on the bed, avoiding his responsibilities and trying to avoid telling Alexander. He didn't need another pain on his chest outside of John's incident. The music flowed through the room with the ticking clock, the sun had gone down and left him in darkness, John couldn't bring himself to care. Laf had mentioned something about giving it time, that sounded fine with John. His chest hurt, but that was fine. Everything was fine as is for right now.