Chapter Text
Please,
All I did was dream of you.
Swimming in my mind again,
Wanting to waste time again.
We were in a flower field. Soft purpleish-blues and whites scattered across the ground. The sky was blue. It was just me, and him. Finally just me and him. The plants were gorgeous. I still couldn't look away from him.
Ease,
Always so easy with you.
I don't have to think,
Pour another drink.
And he was next to me. Laying on the field. We laughed. And I don't even think as I lay my head on his chest, smiling and laughing and completely in bliss. He was here. He was safe. He didn't leave. I was happy.
And I want it all the time,
While I'm yours and you are mine,
Goin’ steady till we lie,
High at sunrise.
I never wanted to leave. In this world, he was mine. In another universe, we were together. But something changes in his eyes as we go quiet, a comfortable silence changing to something else as he watches me. And then I look into his eyes.
All I wanted was to see
Everything you see in me,
Everything I wanna be,
High at sunrise.
That's not his eyes. And fear flashes through me. His eyes were a mesmerizing, dazzling gold. The eyes I was staring at seemed to become more red with each heartbeat. And I'm counting my breaths, One, Two, Three, Four–
Stay,
Stay or just leave me be,
Stay or just leave me be,
Stay or just leave me be.
And they move. And everything does with it. I'm not on their chest. We're not in a field. This is my house. Aloo is here. I'm on my own two feet. I'm staring at a face I didn't want to see. I'm not watching Superfish anymore. I'm alone with him.
Nightmares always feel like this,
They swallow me,
But I let go.
Some impossible red flame is engulfing me. I have his core. I know this can't truly happen. But it burns all the same, it hurts all the same. I look at Aloo, scared, meowing, and know for sure: This time he's not coming to save me.
Doesn't feel like I can breathe,
They follow me,
But I let go,
Yeah I let go.
I wake up gasping, I'm scared I can't breathe. For a second, I believe I'm dead. For a moment, I wonder if there's an afterlife I'm going to. I wonder if I'm not good enough to be let in because I'm gay. And I cough. I'm alive. And I feel something coming up my throat and I rush to the bathroom because I don't want to throw up in my bed. I gag and spit up a petal. A blue, small petal. And I'm confused. And I don't understand what's happening but I see it's stained with a little streak of blood and I'm scared again. I'm still shaking and I feel myself start to cry. I hear someone behind me and yelp. Arun is at work. I'm still on edge from the werewolf intruder. I reach for the nearest object– a ceramic container with me and Arun’s toothbrush, and look at whoever is here. My shoulders drop when I see it’s just Superfish. I wish he'd leave immediately. I'm crying, shaking, holding a bloodied blue petal, and very clearly breaking down. And his cocky attitude seems to fade a little. I can't tell through my tears. And I don't know what he's saying or what I'm saying and I feel like I'm looking through life through a glass wall. Separated from everyone else. I think I hear myself say “Go away, just– come back later.” but I'm not quite confident. I just want to cry for a little while, just want to go back to sleep without being plagued with thoughts of him. Because I know he's not staying.
I think I'm feeling a hand on my shoulder but it doesn't last. I think I moved away, and I blink back tears and try to see him. He looks like he's concerned. He didn't exactly drop that ego though. There was just careful worry laced over the mask, something that would easily be ripped off at the slightest of winds— at the smallest sign I'm fine. But I'm not fine. I'm broken. I'm useless. I'm in another situation where I'm making his life harder and I wonder why he didn't just kill me from the start and take the core from me. I look at the petal in my hands and I feel like everything is spinning and I just lean against the wall because I don't trust my own two feet. I don't trust anything. I don't know how, but I end up on the ground and he's crouching in front of me and he won't fucking leave. I can't even respond because I'm pathetically crying on the bathroom floor over a nightmare. How weak he must think of me right now. But yet I see the blurry figure move towards my side silently, and something entering the open bathroom door meowing— Aloo.
I let her climb into my lap. I bury my face in her fur and wrap my arms around her tiny, fluffy body. She stayed. just like Superfish. I think I fall asleep like this, crying slowly fading because I was too fucking tired.
And I want it all the time,
While I'm yours and you are mine.
Goin’ steady till we lie,
High at sunrise.
And he's next to me again. My head is on his lap and I swear I feel gentle hands combing through my hair oh so gently. We're on my bed. Not talking. Just there, co-existing and soaking up each other's presence. His eyes are actually his.
All I wanted was to see,
Everything you see in me,
Everything I wanna be,
High at sunrise.
I look over his face, taking in every detail and wondering how someone can look so unfairly perfect without trying. I wonder how I'd ever deserve someone like him. And I hear his voice whisper something: “Love you, Deej,”
Stay,
Stay or just leave,
Stay or just leave me be,
Stay or just leave me be.
And his face is becoming bittersweet. “I have to leave, though.” I try to reach out, to grab him before he gets up, but he's a witch. I'm no match to that. “I have to leave because I love you, and I love you too much to let you die from this world I can't escape.”
Stay,
Like the summer breeze.
Don't go,
Don't go.
And he walks closer for a moment, and presses a kiss to my lips before he's gone. No longer standing in the spot he was before. And I cry. I cry because I can't have him. The one person I wanted. Needed. I can't hold him or kiss him one last time.
And I wake up again, though I don't want to. I want to dream. I want to stay dreaming about a world where he'd love me back, even if he can't stay. I'd rather have been loved once than never been loved at all. Even if that love can't stay forever. And I feel Aloo. And I feel something in my hair. And it doesn't feel like I'm on the floor. I open my eyes. I see a cat on my chest, and a familiar teal-haired witch over me, golden eyes peering down at me. My head was on his lap, his hands threading through my hair. “DJ?” he asks, and I'm too surprised with this position to reply. I mumble “Huh?” in confusion, as I look around and try to figure out if this is real or just another nightmare. And he says “Are you okay?” and then I freeze because I realize I'm literally laying on him, my cat on my chest, with his hand in my hair. Exactly like my nightmare/dream. And I mumble “Whad’re you doin’?” sleepily, and I can tell I sound just as exhausted as I feel. I hear him say “Why were you crying?" in response. I hesitate, I feel embarrassed and ashamed over my panic over something stupid. I sheepishly mumble "..nightmare.” so quiet I barely hear my own voice. Of course he hears it. He just nods and continues playing with my hair. I think he might just look nervous. I repeat my question, more coherently this time, “What're you doing?" This time he actually answers, "Braiding your hair.” I hope he can't tell if I'm blushing because of my darker skin. I hum in response because I don't trust my voice too well right now. I hope that he doesn't recreate the dream. I let him braid my hair, closing my eyes.
Of course I have to ruin the moment of peace. Because I start coughing again, and suddenly I'm spitting out another blue flower petal. Another tiny streak of pink through it. And Superfish looks alarmed. “Why are you coughing up forget-me-nots?” “Why do you know the exact flower I'm coughing up? And why am I?? I don't know??” I reply, and I look at his face and know something is really wrong. He says “Okay, okay, uhmm.." like he's trying to figure out what to do.
“This is random, and you're gonna need to answer my questions! Have you been having a dry cough recently?”
“Kinda?”
“Have you got a crush on someone right now?”
“What?”
“Answer the question!”
“I–um–yes I guess?”
“Well fuck.”
“Should I be scared?”
“Extremely.”
“Great.”
I look at him. He looked kinda disappointed, or maybe scared. He was speaking a little faster and even though he finished the braid, he was still fidgeting with my hair. “Who do you like?" he asks. I reply with, "Wha– I'm not telling you that–!” and he says," You don't exactly have a choice. The core’s giving you a witch’s sickness. Hanahaki. You get it from loving someone who doesn't love you back. So either you need to get over them or win them over. And I need to help with that so you don't die from choking on a whole flower.” He says, his usual mask on. I can still see a tiny hint of fear in his eyes. I reply, "I'll get over it on my own. It's fine.” and glance away, anywhere but his face. He pushes my chin to face him again with one finger, and I feel my heart quickening. "Tell me or I'll figure it out myself.” and I try to get up but he grabs me and says "No. For your own good, you're either telling me or I pull it straight out of your brain.”
And I say, "You don't get to force me to tell you that.” He waits. Just forces me to stay put to see if I'll budge. If I'll tell him. And I'm so fucking lost on what I can do. I see his hand raise with that greenish-teal and white color. I realize that he wasn't bluffing. Time seems to freeze for a second. My brain screams RUN. And for a moment I'm too frozen to do that. But within a second I try and push myself up again in a panic, as I feel like something's just digging through my memories and feelings. I feel fear rise in my throat like vomit and I try to wiggle my way out of his grip. I fail. I think for a moment that I'd rather die than go through this embarrassment, and I need to leave before I see his face. Then I remember I'm pretty sure he's literally hearing this. So I just shut up my thoughts as best as I could, other than the fact I was already freaking out. I hope he doesn't see those nightmares. Hope he doesn't see how pathetic I am. And I try to shut up those hopes because again, I'm pretty sure he's hearing these thoughts. I wait till the teal disappears slowly and watch his face, he's simply frozen in place. An expression I can't read is taking place over the mask. I think his cheeks are a little pink. It's odd to see him not act cocky. I'm frozen for a moment too. I snap out of it quicker. I push myself up before he can push me off, like I know he will. And I don't want to see the disgust I'm sure his face will hold so I hide in the bathroom, lock the door, and force myself to breathe in, and out.
In, hold, out.
One
In, hold, out.
Two
In, hold, out.
Three
I keep going till I lose count. I hear paws outside the bathroom door and open it a crack because I know Aloo can calm me down faster. I'm shaking. I close it right back the second she's on my lap, locking it and petting her. I feel like I'm gonna vomit. Is that another petal or nerves? I think it's both. Either way, I'm coughing something out again.
It's blue.
It's a new reminder that ironically, the forget-me-not petal won't work. I'm gonna forget him. He's gonna forget me. He's gonna wipe my memories the second this is done. That makes me feel sicker. I try to keep breathing anyway.
In, hold, out.
I start a new count. One.
In, hold, out.
I feel sicker. Two.
In, hold, out.
I imagine the disgust on his face. Three.
In, hold, out.
I shut the thought out. Four.
In, hold, out.
Aloo is purring while I pet her. Five.
I wait till I'm calm to step outside the bathroom, yet I'm nervous, hands still shaking a little, and I walk back into my bedroom. Part of me hopes he's still there. The other hopes he's gone and he never talks to me again so I can maybe die without reliving this shame. I see him on his phone, with a Google open. He doesn't notice me immediately, and I see what he's searching up: ‘Hypothetically, how do I tell someone I like them if I just saw their nightmares.’
I die inside a little before I actually process that first half. He likes someone else. I'm frozen while he looks nervous, guilty, and he's fidgeting with his front bangs. And he still hasn't noticed me. And he's looking up ‘How do I calm down someone panicking?’ and I still don't move or breathe. And he shifts. He's reading a guide from an organization dedicated to mental health, and then he sees me and nearly throws his phone face down. He yelps. “Oh-Uhm-Hi! Howlonghaveyoubeenstandingthere?” He speaks so fast it sounds like one word. And I walk closer to pick up his phone. I step away when he tries to reach for it and I look at what he's been googling. ‘How to tell if I have a crush’, ‘What's gay’, one of those stupid ‘Are you gay?’ tests, ‘What to do if you have a crush’, ‘Hypothetically, how do I tell someone I like them if I just saw their nightmares’, and ‘How do I calm down someone panicking?’ and I laugh slightly. “You took an ‘Are you gay test’?” I say, looking at his embarrassed face. I give him his phone back. He's pouting. I push away the thought that he looks adorable. I remind myself he doesn't like me.
I lean against the wall because I'm sure he's secretly disgusted. I don't let that show. I glance at my desk. I still had a textbook open from studying. I try to recall facts from the class, because I have a test soon. I can't focus because I'm scared he'll react poorly. And after a few moments of silence he speaks quietly, “You've been getting nightmares?” and I tense slightly. “.. you saw?” and I wish I could wither away into the shadows and return to the world when he forgets. He nods. And he says “.. I'm sorry." and I tense because I get the feeling he's about to leave. And he pauses for too long before he continues “.. I thought you didn't care.” I don't know what he means by that. “What?" and then he elaborates. “.. I thought you'd want me to leave.” and I pause. My eyes are wide. “Why would I want you to leave?" I ask incredulously. And he says “I'm bringing Toppleprey, I'm bringing Obscaria, and danger— why would you want me to stay?” and he looks insecure for a second. Superfish never looks like that. All I can say is, lYou're my friend. I don't care about the danger or Obscaria or Toppleprey.” because I can't say ‘I love you.’ I can never. "I don't want you to go. I never did.”
He's gonna reply, but I'm coughing again and there's another blue forget-me-not petal and it has pink streaks of blood and I'm coughing up a second. And he's looking at me, trying to put on that mask but I see some emotion I can't make out anyways. I reached for my water bottle when the coughing fit was over, and I only turn my back for a second when I feel pair of hesitant arms wrap around me from behind and I feel my face and ears turn red. It was obvious even on my darker skin that I was flustered. I say, “Superfish?" quietly, and he doesn't reply. His chin is on my shoulder, and he's just looking at me. I feel his breath ghost my nose. My pulse is quickening and quickening and I think it might jump out of my throat. He's just holding me. And I'm leaning into the contact without realizing I am, and we just stay there like that for a few moments. And then he mumbles “I don't wanna put you in danger. I want you to be safe, with Arun, and your friends, and- I can't let myself hurt you." I'm scared he's about to leave. "Stop.” I say quietly. "I don't care about the risks. I l–” I stop myself before I say the words. "You're my friend. It'll hurt more if you leave than if you stay.”
I turn so I can hug him back, my face buried in his shoulder. “Just please don't go.” I sound pathetic. I don't care. I just want him to stay. And my head feels like it's spinning, intoxicated by his smell of Jasmine but I don't let it show willingly. I tighten my hug without thinking about it and I'm just breathing in and out, my heartrate at dangerous levels. And I feel lips press to the top of my head, and I don't think I'm able to breathe. My brain seems to short circuit. Nothing is coming through or from me. My skull is an empty shell now. And all I can think of to do in response is mumble “Did you just kiss me?" like some confused golden retriever. And I feel him tense and start to try and pull away and apologize and I just hold onto him tighter. “Don't apologize." I cut him off the second the ‘s’ sound leaves his lips that just touched my hair. I can't see his face, I'm still just holding him. He slowly relaxes again and wraps his arms back around me and I think my shoulders dropped a little. I pray he doesn't notice. I'm still bright red. Probably redder. I try and think about what the fuck just happened.
He kissed me. Friends don't normally do that. Do they? My friends don't. I haven't had a hug in a while. Am I making this awkward? I think I made it awkward. God I'm horrible at this. He still hasn't replied.
I shift to look at his face for a moment. He's red— redder than me. “You okay?" I mumble. Friends don't normally blush like hell around each other though, right?? He nods, and says. “Shouldn't I be the one asking if you're okay? You're the one coughing up flowers.” and I mumble, "ugh, if I cough up a flower while I'm trying to speak again I'm gonna lose my shit.” I don't hide my face again, mostly because I like to think that his red face is way too cute to not look at. He laughs. I'm still holding onto him but I see his face– awkward, blushing, trying to act cool, and I think ‘This is my favorite version of him.’ I save that thought for later, when I can scream into a pillow.
Wait, seriously, why's he blushing though?
“Seriously, I hate getting cut off, it's worse when it's my own self cutting myself off." I said, laughing slightly despite myself. He snorts. Pulls back a little. And I miss the warmth and scent of Jasmine but it's whatever. I can cry about it later. I flop back on my bed and he sits next to me. He's talking about the next ingredient. I'm listening, yet I'm also admiring his eyes. I like this version of him more than the dream version. The dream version left. He laughed. He cried. He stayed.
I grabbed my textbook once we had everything planned. Now I'm studying next to him, and he's dozing off. I'm studying algebra. I don't notice he's fallen asleep till there's a weight on my shoulder. I don't move. Or breathe. I just stay there for a minute, not quite sure what to do. I just leave him there, studying till my eyelids feel heavy.
I wake up to the feeling of someone shaking, and Aloo hopping on my bed to lay on his lap. I look over. He seems to be having a nightmare. “Superfish?" I whisper groggily, wanting to sleep but being too worried to. He doesn't stir. I shift, wrapping my arms around him gently. I hug his head to my chest till I hear his breathing even out again. I fall back asleep with my chin on his head, arms holding him firmly, not tightly. I have a dreamless sleep. I've never been more grateful for that.
Someone's tapping me awake. There's two arms around me. I groan tiredly in protest, eyes still shut. But I realize that if two hands are around me, there can't be a third tapping my shoulder. I open my eyes. Arun is standing over me, and I'm still groggy and trying to remember where I am. Superfish is stirring. I glance at the book in my lap, and figure out what led me to this position. I'm simply confused, and I mumble “.. did I fall asleep on you?" tiredly as he wakes up. I look at Arun, who's looking at me knowingly and I wish to die. Superfish, whose eyes are still shut, mumbles “I dunno, what time is it..?”