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I woke up coughing and feeling like something was coming out of my throat. I sat up quickly, rushing to get out of my bed in case I threw up. I was confused about how I was feeling sick when I couldn't catch those stupid human diseases and I wasn't in Obscaria to get sick. (I unfortunately could catch.. witch sicknesses? I don't know how to refer to them.) Nevertheless, I coughed up… flower petals.. once I was in the bathroom. I stared at the two beautiful sea lily petals in my hand, covered in saliva and streaks painted with blood. I was frozen in my panic. I knew what this was. Hanahaki. A disease witches would get no matter where you were. I knew what happened when you got this. I knew what I needed to do, and I felt my stomach twisting and twisting and twisting into little knots. Knots and ribbons of fear. Butterflies floating around, like I was some kid with a crush. I knew I could die if I didn't do what I needed to. I needed to tell DJ I loved him
I needed to tell DJ. If I didn't, I was dead. And I panicked as I felt another petal coming up, and up, and burn my throat as I coughed it out. Racking my brain for every cure there could possibly be, I tried to figure out what to do. I couldn't get surgery to remove the flowers. Humans didn't have it, and the people that could help were witches in Obscaria, the very place I was running from. I couldn't tell DJ. I wouldn't. I'd only just realised my feelings a few days ago. I thought my coughing was because I wasn't drinking enough water (I really wasn't.) If it was early stages, however, I had time. I could maybe confess after I took the core and then wipe his memory if anything. I splashed my face with cold water, taking a silent deep breath and walking out of the bathroom. It was the weekend, and I was supposed to go talk with DJ about the next ingredient. I just started getting ready for the day and prayed nothing happened that he would notice.
Once I was ready, I made my way to his house. I was too lazy to walk, so I may have teleported over. I noticed I was behind him, and he was totally distracted with whatever he was cooking. “Boo," I said, grinning already. He yelped and nearly dropped the pan he was holding. “Wh– You can't just sneak up on people like that!” I said rather loudly. I just laughed. “Says who?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I saw he was about to reply, but I started coughing again.
Another. Lily. Petal.
DJ haltered, looking at me with this concerned face that made me feel so stupid. “Wh– are you okay?" He said, walking closer, looking at the white petal with a singular streak of blood along its end all the way to its tip, obviously confused, concern clear as daylight, seeming like he didn't quite know how to help. I cursed the butterflies that flapped through me, hated how something as simple as care or concern made me so happy to have someone that gave a damn. I put that egotistical act on anyway. After my quick coughing fit was done, I immediately grinned.
“I'm fine, it's like– the witch equivalent of a human cold! Don't worry about me.” I lied right through my teeth, like this wasn't something capable of killing me, like I was okay, like there wasn't flower petals in my throat because of my stupid feelings for liking someone I couldn't have.
And he believed me.
Like I was someone deserving of that trust
Like he should trust me
He didn't question it.
He just muttered “God, your equivalent of a cold is coughing up blood and flower petals?” quietly, raised an eyebrow when I laughed, and then asked “How can I help?” May whatever God or Deity, or if there is none of those, the universe, curse the butterflies that ran through me when he immediately asked how to help. Like his instincts were to help, while mine were to hurt while mine.. weren't. And curse that same person or thing because I couldn't bring down these walls, and I couldn't do anything but keep playing confident. And I lied again, right through my teeth as I said “I don't need anything, I'll be fine." and offered my normal cocky grin.
It's been three days since then. It's getting worse. I've been coughing up more sea lily petals and I'm scared I'll enter the next stage of Hanahaki. DJ seems more worried every day. I feel horrible for making him worry I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want to feel these exhilarating butterflies every time we make skin contact. Right now, I'm in his house, sitting on his couch. He's decided we needed a break after the break in and the ‘cold’ I have. He's playing some horror movie because I told him I liked them. Why does that give me butterflies? I'm only half-paying attention to the TV and praying it's not showing on my face.
There's a jumpscare, and I snap back to reality as he jumps, grabbing onto my arm at the sheer amount of gore showing right now. I ignore the butterflies rising in my stomach. I was raised in Obscaria. This was the norm for me. “You good?" I tease, smirking a little at the boy grabbing my arm for dear life.
“Jesus, how are you so calm?" he asks, and I just reply “You humans are just too easily scared." in return, flicking his forehead. He rolls his eyes, yet he doesn't let go of me. He's still holding onto me like I'm the only safe thing he could be near right now, and dear God or deity or universe help me, I wanted to hold him and make him feel like he was protected. I couldn't. It makes something in my chest tighten, and tighten, till I feel yet another cough and yet another lily petal rise in my throat till it comes out. And like the others, tiny streaks of blood are painted along the middle. It seems like there is more blood on them each time, more red lines along the white, long petals.
I feel another rise, along with the rising feeling I will never be able to have him. Not permanently. Not as a friend, or a lover, or even an enemy. It will have to end soon. I can never have him. The one person I want to stay with. And curse how he immediately puts a hand on my back and asks if I'm okay. I nod, trying to offer my usual smile. I couldn't. Why couldn't I? I'm not even processing his words anymore, just nodding along as I try to collect myself.
And I cough again. And there's another two petals, but there's a yellow one this time. Not a sea lily. A camellia. And I know what those represent. The longing for someone you can't have. And it kills me a little. And DJ is still just trying to help, and I hear the words “Why is it a different flower?” and I don't respond because I'm coughing.
He gets up, quickly getting me water. The horror movie was in the background, nobody paying attention to it anymore.
I drink the water he gives me, and try to force back the metallic taste in my mouth from the blood, and the bitterness in my brain at the realization, and I think about how maybe, in another life, it could be him and I. In a different reality we could be happy, and not have to leave. And I want to weep, and I want to be alone, and I want to hold onto him and never let go. But I want to protect him, and the only way I can is to leave him. And he obviously noticed something was wrong, and I cursed myself this time, and this time I perfectly hear his quiet question of, “Are you okay?” and I can't break down right now because I'm supposed to be the strong one who never fails or crumbles and never stops being confident. Who am I if not that?
And yet I force myself to try and act fine when I clearly am not. “I'm fine, human, I'm the strongest witch of all!” yet I hear my voice crack and I know I can't even act anymore. “It's not really just some.. ‘witch’s version of a cold’, is it?” He says and I know it's not a question, it's a statement with a question mark, and I feel my shoulders drop a little against my will. He looks scared. He looks worried. He looks like he cares. I quietly mumble, “It's not.” and he murmured “What is it?" and I tense. I know that other creatures that escaped my realm passed off as humans. One wrote a novel about Hanahaki. It turned into this whole thing, and I'd discovered people had started writing about it thinking it was fictional. If I tell him, he can search it up and see the meanings of the flowers, see that I love someone, see how pathetic I am. And I don't know what to do in this moment, so I just say “.. Hanahaki.” and pray he doesn't look it up.
And I just watch as he does look it up on his phone, just watch as his eyes widen a little at the cause, at the cure, at what the yellow camellia meant, just watch as for a moment, I swear I see a little bit of.. disappointment flash in his eyes. I wonder what I said wrong this time. And he just puts his phone down. And I'm scared. And I'm suddenly feeling a hesitant pair of arms wrap around my torso in a loose hug, giving me the room to pull away if I wanted. And I feel my body just go limp, hugging him tightly. I don't reply as he quietly asks “Who?" and I don't think I ever will. But then he asks again, “Fish-face, who?” and he tightens his hug and I've never felt this cared for and I doubt I ever will again– “Superfish. Please.” he asks again because I still haven't answered. The food he was cooking before was on a plate in his kitchen, untouched and getting cold. And I just shake my head a little from where my face is hiding in the crook of his neck, tears spilling from my eyes and onto him. “Sorry," is all I mumble, I sound pathetic to my own ears. I feel a finger gently push my tear stained, pathetic face up to look him in the eyes. I'm shaking. He's gentle yet firm all at once. And there are butterflies flapping through my stomach, yet it feels like panic ripped my stomach open and is letting them loose through all my body, and I'm fidgeting with my fingers while my arms loosen from my tight hug.
And I feel his forehead rest atop mine and I stop fidgeting and go wide eyed and he says “Tell me if it's me," in an almost desperate voice. I feel another tear run down my face and I forget how to speak, and I don't think before I kiss him. I only hold myself there for a second before I pull back and remember you're supposed to ask before you kiss someone, and I'm about to apologize but I'm quickly pulled back for another and I don't fight back, just lean in to the gentle, oh so gentle kiss, and I'm still crying quietly. I feel him pull back, and miss the touch already, but he just wipes the tears from my eyes and says “I love you.” quietly. My heart hammers louder against my ribs, and those butterflies are still flapping relentlessly and I think I might have a heart attack. I whisper “I love you.” right back and immediately kiss him again. I try to memorize the gentle press of his lips against mine. I never want to stop.
The movie ended at some point. None of us noticed. I ended up cuddling against him on his lap, my face in his chest, and his hand combing through my hair. I pray I never have to leave. For now, though, I just doze off cuddling him.