Chapter Text
Ohyul is frustrated, in every sense of the word.
The last few hours had been spent looking at the same sheet over and over again, trying his best to rearrange lyrics and make sense of the mess in front of him, to no avail.
It’s 3am, and he knows he should really take care of himself like everyone tells him to, but it’s hard to do when they’re still fairly new to the scene, and only a misstep away from fading into oblivion with the oversaturation of groups these days.
He knows they’re still a standout, all things considered, with their concept, the talent of their members, and Jay Park standing behind them, but still— he does’t want to mess up and let them all down. Not when he had worked this hard for it.
He squints at the lyrics in front of him, vision swimming, and leans back with a sigh.
He really should get some sleep. His inability to function as a leader won’t help anyone in the morning.
But he’s stumped.
It’s not just today— he had been lacking in creative juices for a while now.
Somehow everything that he puts together feels old, tired, already done before in their previous tracks or elsewhere in the world. He knows that it’s impossible to be entirely original, and that there would always be something out there that had been done before, and that it’s all about his own creative spin on things, but that’s just the thing— he doesn’t feel like there’s anything left in him.
He’s run into a creative block.
With a slight sound of frustration, he scrunches up the piece of paper in front of him and slides back his seat, heading over to his bed with a flop. Thankfully the last he had seen of the members was curled up in Ryul’s room playing some kind of game, probably having sensed the waves of frustration radiating off of Ohyul and wanting to steer clear.
Privately, he feels bad— he shouldn’t be someone that the members felt afraid of, particularly since he was supposed to be the glue that tied all of them together and led the team, but sometimes it feels like he holds himself to an impossible standard that’s invisible to all else but him. And maybe Jay Park.
Maybe that’s the reason he had been chosen to be the leader instead of Ryul, who was always the impossibly calm, impenetrable force that the others tended to rely on as a crutch, who always knew what to say to put the members at ease.
Where Ryul was the calm who stood behind him and anchored the team, Ohyul was the storm who drove the ship forward, all intensity and blunt force.
Closing his eyes, he runs a hand through his hair.
He knows he should be more like Ryul, really. He’s frustrated that he can’t do it all.
But the fatigue of the day slowly drags him under and he’s left with nothing but vacant dreams about falling through papers and lyrics.
—
“You okay?”
They’re sitting in the van when the words come, short, simple, not conveyed with any particular emotion or meaning. But Ohyul picks up on the intention all the same.
He turns back, a slight prickling sensation underneath his skin, partly from lack of sleep from the night before, and partly from something else that he can’t quite identify. He looks back at Ryul, who stares back at him with that same, steady gaze as always.
“What?” he asks.
He doesn’t mean to challenge the other.
He really doesn’t.
But the calm look on the other’s face ticks him off, for some reason.
Why would he think that there was anything wrong?
Ryul only stares back at him, giving nothing away by way of his expression.
“Just asking if you were okay. You seemed a bit out of it,” he says simply.
Ohyul’s mouth turns down slightly at the words, the uncomfortable pickling sensation spreading further, and he turns back around before he can say something he doesn’t mean.
He feels unnecessarily exposed, as if all of his shortcomings have been written in explicit marker letters on his face.
Why the fuck was Ryul watching him so closely?
“I’m fine,” he responds back, curtly.
It’s all he can say without letting anything else slip that he might regret. He concentrates on the schedule in front of him for the day, as the van takes them to their next location.
The kids are sound asleep in the back, still not used to waking up at the crack of dawn, and he thanks god that they’re not overly light sleepers.
There’s only so much he can do to protect his reputation and not reinforce that they should be scared by him, or that he’s volatile by any means.
There’s only silence in response, and Ohyul thinks that the other will let it go— Ryul was always perceptive like that, always knowing when to drop battles.
It’s just another thing that annoys him slightly.
“How’ve you been going with that track you were working on yesterday?” Ryul asks after some time, and Ohyul's expression tightens, the uncomfortable, prickling sensation returning.
“Fine,” he responds.
Without even hearing the other’s response, he can already tell that the other is raising his eyebrow.
“Fine, bad,” he sighs.
“I’m fucking stumped. Is that what you want to hear?”
Ryul doesn’t respond back immediately, and Ohyul closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean that,” he says.
“Just hitting a creative block. I’ll revisit it again tomorrow.”
After another moment of silence, Ryul speaks up.
“Maybe I can help?”
It wasn’t unusual for them to work together on the tracks. In fact, it was fairly par for the course that they would all be helping each other out.
But this was supposed to be a personal project for Ohyul— something he had been working alone on for some time, something he had wanted to prove himself with.
Still, he knows that he’s really in no position to refuse, given how stumped he’s been over the last few weeks.
“Sure. Yeah, whatever,” he waves off, without looking back.
It’s delivered in a way that doesn’t promise anything, with the hope that Ryul will let it go too.
Ryul only hums in response.
“I’ll swing by tonight then,” he says.
Ohyul lets out a small huff of laughter, incredulous.
Ever the gentleman.
He doesn’t say anything further.
—
The day goes by in a flash.
They attend a variety show, followed by other show recordings, bones aching after a long day.
Ohyul still isn’t properly used to it, the gruelling schedule, even after all this time. Still, he grits his teeth and does it without complaint.
He should be grateful that he has this opportunity, when not many do— and especially when Jay had invested everything into them.
He can’t afford to lose this.
At the end of the day, he’s so exhausted that he barely remembers crashing into his bed, having forgotten entirely about his conversation with Ryul.
He can feel himself fading in and out of sleep, when he sees the other’s head peaking into his room, saying something inaudible to his tired ears, and he lifts his head with a frown.
“Huh?” he asks, groggily.
“I said I came here to help with that track?” Ryul says, raising an eyebrow.
Furrowing his eyebrows, Ohyul props himself up onto his elbows.
“I can come back,” Ryul says after an awkward pause, but Ohyul merely shakes his head.
“No, come in,” he says, waving the other in.
“Where’re the kids?” Ohyul asks, as he gets up with a stretch.
“They’re playing some game again,” Ryul responds, with a slight quirk of his lips.
The fondness in Ryul’s eyes is not something that Ohyul sees often, only reserved for their members, and it makes Ohyul’s skin buzz slightly.
He’s too used to seeing that calm, stoic expression on the other’s face, as still and unperturbed as a lake.
He wonders what other expressions Ryul keeps hidden underneath.
“Take a seat,” he says shortly, pulling a chair up to his desk and opening up his laptop.
Ryul walks over and takes a seat, without question.
“Are these the lyrics?” he asks, before pulling over the scrunched up piece of paper.
Ohyul looks over at the subject of Ryul’s words, and his face heats in embarrassment slightly at the childish action, before looking down.
“Yeah. You can probably tell I’ve had a rough time with it,” he admits.
Ryul doesn’t say anything in response— only unfurls the piece of paper, and runs over it with his eyes, brow furrowed in concentration.
He’s handsome when he’s like this, in work mode. But then again, he was always handsome no matter what.
It’s something that had always annoyed Ohyul. No matter how much he trained or schooled his expression, the most he ever looked was intense, but still soft in comparison to Ryul.
Ohyul swiftly moves on from the thought before it can go anywhere.
“They’re good. Got promise. But not really inspired, you know?” Ryul says, finally.
They’re exactly Ohyul’s thoughts, so he doesn’t take offence. He had always valued Ryul’s honesty, anyhow.
“I know, but I’m in a slump,” he says.
“Why’s that?” Ryul asks.
“I don’t know, I’m not a fucking psychologist,” Ohyul responds flatly.
Ryul only looks at him thoughtfully.
“Well what were you basing this track on?” he asks.
“Past feelings, experiences, all that. But it’s just starting to feel plain old,” Ohyul sighs, rubbing a hand over his face.
“Maybe you need to concentrate on a new feeling,” Ryul suggests simply.
“It’s not like there’s a mountain of experiences to draw on,” Ohyul responds dryly.
Then he pauses.
“Where do you get your inspiration from?” he asks, squinting slightly.
Ryul considers the words for a moment, before he taps the desk.
“How I currently feel,” he responds.
“And what do you currently feel?” Ohyul asks, with a snort.
“The same things that other people feel. Love, hurt, annoyance,” he responds.
“Love?” Ohyul asks, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m human, you do know that right?” Ryul responds with a shrug.
“What, you’re in love right now?” Ohyul asks.
Ryul only stares back at him carefully, before showing a small quirk of his lips.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
At that, Ohyul lets out a bark of laughter, pushing at his shoulder, albeit with no real force.
“Seriously? Get fucking real,” he says, laughing.
Ryul grins back.
“You’re just messing with me right? Where’d you even find time to meet a girl?” Ohyul asks.
Ryul doesn’t say anything back.
“Is it that childhood friend of yours? Or an ex-girlfriend? Is it a fan?” Ohyul asks, eyes widening.
“Stop that,” Ryul says, rolling his eyes with a smile.
“Hey, we’re groupmates, we’re supposed to tell each other things. Aren’t we supposed to be a team and all that shit?” Ohyul asks.
Ryul only rolls his eyes again.
“You’re clearly too worked up about this,” he responds.
“That’s because this is fucking weird! You, in love?” Ohyul asks, grin widening.
“I have to know who it is. Fuck, maybe you really can help with this track then. You’d actually be able to relate more than I can,” he continues, before leaning closer, picking up his pen.
“Tell me about it,” he says, more a command than a request.
Ryul pauses, before his eyes flit back to Ohyul’s own.
“What about it?”
Ohyul clicks his tongue in impatience.
“Who is it? When’d you meet?” he asks.
Ryul looks off to the side, as if trying to recall the details.
“If you really must know…it was a while back.”
“And you’re still in love? Shit, you’re a real yearner aren’t you? Or did you date, but then you broke up?” Ohyul asks.
Ryul looks back at him with a snort.
“We didn’t date,” he responds.
“Why not? You never pulled a move?” Ohyul asks.
“No.”
At that, Ohyul leans back in his seat, incredulous.
“Why not? I mean, with that face, I don’t know any girl that would’ve rejected you,” he says, running a hand through his hair.
Ryul smiles slightly at that, eyes lingering for a while, before looking away.
“It wasn’t about that,” he responds.
“Then what?”
“I just couldn’t.”
When he doesn’t elaborate further, Ohyul snorts.
“I wouldn’t have pegged you for a coward,” he says.
Ryul only shoots him a look, closer to mild indignance than anything serious, but it’s a ripple nonetheless, in that ordinarily calm surface of his.
“It would’ve ruined both of our careers before they started,” he says.
“You know Jay doesn’t care about shit like that. Or couldn’t you just learn to be sneaky like everyone else?” Ohyul asks.
Ryul purses his lips at that.
“You really would’ve risked all of this for something like that?” he asks.
After a moment of silence, Ohyul gives in.
“…No.”
He would trade any relationship in a heartbeat for what he has now.
“Do you think she would’ve accepted your confession if you had confessed?” Ohyul asks, after a moment.
“Probably not,” Ryul responds back, quietly.
“Why not?”
“They never paid me any mind at the beginning. But now, even as we've gotten closer...they're just plain oblivious, more than anything,” he responds.
Ohyul blinks slightly, feeling a bit strange seeing the look of fondness usually only reserved for their members across the other’s face.
What was happening?
“You must still see her quite often, then?” he asks.
“Hm,” is all Ryul responds with, non-commited.
Ohyul frowns, feeling slightly hurt that he hadn’t heard of this girl before.
“And you’re into the aloof type?” he asks.
“Not so much into it…more than I found it cute when they finally opened up a bit more. Then I found myself watching them all of the time,” Ryul admits.
“What drew you to her to begin with?” Ohyul asks.
“Circumstance. Proximity, and all that. Then I found myself watching every little movement, and I just couldn’t help it,” he responds.
Ohyul’s cheeks warm at that, unable to help but feel embarrassed under the other’s steady gaze.
“Right.”
“And if you were to confess now and she accepted?”
“I don’t think it’d happen.”
“But what if?” Ohyul asks.
There’s a long silence before Ryul answers again.
“I’d give them all of me, every part. I’d hang the moon up for them if they asked,” he responds seriously.
Ohyul blinks for a few moments, before he lets out a breath, putting pen to paper immediately.
“Well that’s something,” he responds.
“What?” Ryul asks with a blink.
“I don’t know, I’m suddenly feeling inspired.”
Ryul watches him, unmoving.
“What would you do next?” Ohyul asks, looking up, pen still between his fingers.
Ryul stares back at him, before his eyes haze over slightly.
“I’m not very good with hypotheticals,” he responds, looking down.
“What a cop-out,” Ohyul barks with laughter.
“Fine, pretend I’m her. Oh Ryul, I’m madly in love with you and I accept your love confession,” he puts his hands together, batting his eyelashes.
Ryul rolls his eyes, pushing him away.
“Don’t do that,” he responds.
“Why not? Am I ruining your image of her? Or wait, do we need to set the scene first?” Ohyul asks, leaning forward.
“Hm,” is all Ryul responds with, as cryptic as ever.
“So, let’s say we just got home from school or work or wherever it is that you usually meet up, and we’re at a cafe. No wait, an internet cafe - that’s a bit more private,” Ohyul corrects himself.
Ryul stares back at him, an imperceptible shift in his expression, almost frozen, but it’s gone as soon as it comes.
“We’ve been here for a few hours now, conversation has been flowing, but it’s getting towards the end of the night,” Ohyul says, building up the scene.
“You’ve suddenly confessed, and lo and behold, she confesses that she’s liked you the whole time too, and was just waiting for you to confess,” he continues.
At that, Ryul’s lips quirk slightly.
“That’d be nice,” he responds lowly.
Ohyul pauses for a moment, before moving on, trying not to think too hard about the strange sensation that simmers beneath his skin.
“What now?” he asks.
Ryul stares at him for a few seconds, placing his cheek in his palm, considering.
Before long, he begins to lean in slightly, raising a hand to brush a loose strand of Ohyul’s hair behind his ear, fingers tangling there for a few seconds.
Ohyul’s eyes can’t help but flutter at the sensation, unable to help the sensitivity that seems to overcome him around that area.
Slowly, Ryul then lowers his palm to the side of Ohyul’s face, gently tilting his face up, eyes softer than he’s ever seen them before.
“You have no idea how long I’ve liked you,” he says quietly.
Ohyul pauses, pulse picking up.
He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.
“I’ve never been good at things like this. But…if you’ll have me, I’ll give my all to you. Every part,” Ryul continues, voice dropping further, eyes fixed on the ones in front of him. At the same time, his knee presses against Ohyul’s own, warm, real.
Ohyul swallows, blinking rapidly.
“What the fuck?” he asks weakly.
After a moment, Ryul smiles, before pulling away, dropping his hand from the side of Ohyul’s face.
“Didn’t you say you wanted me to act it out?” he asks.
Ohyul blinks.
Right. Fuck.
This was all supposed to be an act.
Fuck.
So why was he feeling like this?
He sits back.
“Right. Sorry, that was weird,” he responds.
Ryul’s eyebrows raise at that.
“No, not weird. You were fine. Good. That was good. I just meant…” he says, stumbling over his words.
Truly, what the fuck was wrong with him?
Ryul had just been playing along, thinking about this girl who he’s seemingly been in love with for years. Why the fuck was it affecting Ohyul?
“You okay?” Ryul asks, and somehow it feels like a taunt, a mirror of their conversation in the car, as if Ryul knew something that he didn’t, with those calm, piercing eyes, like they were looking right through him.
“I’m fine,” Ohyul snaps, before pulling himself back in.
This wasn’t Ryul’s fault. It was Ohyul that was spiralling for no reason.
“It’s fine,” he says, more evenly.
“That was helpful. Thanks Ryul,” he says.
He looks down, letting a strange silence wash over them.
Ryul only nods back, studying him carefully.
After another awkward moment of silence, Ryul finally speaks up again.
“All good. Um, do you want to go through what you have down?” he asks.
Somehow, it feels too exposing, even though they’re technically Ryul’s feelings down on paper.
But he doesn’t seem to have any basis to refuse, so he only nods, pushing his piece of paper forward.
Ryul’s knee stays pressed against his own, warm, present.
Ohyul tries not too hard to think about it.
—
“This track is amazing, guys,” Jay says to them the following afternoon, as they’re sat around a desk in the recording studio.
“Really good stuff here, really inspired. You really did most of this yourself, Ohyul?” he asks.
“I had a lot of help from Ryul,” Ohyul responds.
“Not that much,” Ryul interjects, but it’s mostly lost in the excitement of the room.
“The fans are gonna love this for sure. Let’s get this one in the studio next session, once you’ve cleaned it up a bit more. How about you guys take the day off tomorrow? You really deserve it,” Jay grins.
Somehow, it makes Ohyul feel good, like the clouds of his creative block finally parting from the sun. He looks over at Ryul, who only watches him with the same calm expression as always.
Ohyul blinks once, then twice, before turning back to the front.
He doesn't know what to make of the strange feeling in his chest.